Why would God allow this to happen to me?

Psalm 138:8 ensures me that the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me. But I will be the first one to admit when things get rough it's hard for me to remember that. I begin to question my purpose. In fact, I'm in a season of my life where I am unsure of so many things. When I started this blog I said I'd be completely with those that read it. So here's some brutal honesty...

For the past two years I've struggled with depression, pretty much silently- except for my doctor knowing. It wasn't until recently that I began sharing it with close friends. The depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide ran across my mind. It was hard to comprehend the things going on in my life. It was tough to know that I was trying SO HARD to be a part of God's program yet so much bad was happening. I stepped out of so many comfort zones. I became a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud! I began helping on the culinary committee at our church. I became the announcement clerk. 

YET STILL SO MUCH BAD IS COMING MY WAY.

I mean, I would be perfectly fine throughout the day. Smiling and making small talk with others. But when night came and I was all alone in my bed those thoughts would creep in. 

"You're a failure". 
"You're a bad mom."
"You're almost 30 and still single."
"Who would want to marry you anyway".
"You're clothes don't fit, lose weight."
"Still haven't graduated, what's talking so long?"

The list goes on. Sometimes I would start saying my favorite scriptures, other times I would begin to pray (and cry) out loud. However there were those times when the devil would get so loud that my prayer would be for the Lord to take me at that very moment. As shocking as that may be for some of you to read, it's how some depressed people are. We have the ability to hold it together in front of people but it's an act. My depression reminded me of my endo. It's there, no one can see the scars because they're internal BUT THEY ARE REAL. And it hurts. A lot.

I asked the Lord to take away those things and people that were distracting me from Him. Some of the things/people He has taken hurt. Some were unexpected. I felt embarrassed at some of the things. "What would people say?" "What would they think?" Here I am, paying almost $600 ($700, if you count the gas) a month for a car that I don't really like but others think is cool and compliment me for driving. Really? Missing out on things because the car note is outrageous. Not always paying my tithes and offerings because I needed that money for gas. Yeah, it's safe to say that the Lord truly humbled me. What profits a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?

I'm the only one of my friends without a boyfriend or a husband. Lately, I have found myself wondering why. Sometimes I wonder why God hasn't allowed a guy to fall in love with me- and that hurts. I look around, seeing how so many women mistreat the father's of their child(ren) yet that man will remain so faithful to her. I wonder why I am left to raise my son on my own? There's a lot that I can't teach him, so why hasn't God sent me a husband and Avion a father? I'm realizing that I have to process these feelings through the filter of God’s love not through the broken pieces of my heart. When I process things through the broken pieces, often the outcome is, "If God loves me so much, why would He allow this happen to me?" But when I process it through the filter of the absolute assurance of God’s love, the outcome is, "God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen."

Over the past week, I could feel the depression creeping back in. And since I'm being honest, it made me question my purpose once again. Last night I laid in bed praying that the Lord would reveal the purpose for my current season and circumstances. I wanted to know why things were happening to me when I am trying so hard to be on the right path? Pastor A once said "the devil comes after you when you're trying to get out of sin, not when you're living in it. So you have to make sure that you stay clothed in His armor."  Truth is, I wasn't. If I was then there would be nothing that the devil could throw my way and make me feel so depressed and unworthy. There is nothing that I could ever do or say to make the Lord love me any more or any less. 

Last night was rough for me. I was texting a friend, telling I was ready to give up. Although the tears that normally come didn't fall, the feeling of emptiness was there. This morning on my way to work I began to talk to the Lord. The one thing that kept popping into my head was "Have you considered my servant Job?" It's what the Lord asked Satan in Job 1:8. Satan wanted to destroy someone who served God to show that once all the good was removed that person would turn away from the Lord. In Job 2:9 his wife asks him if he's still remaining faithful to the Lord, then she says "Curse God and die." But Job didn't. He held on. In Job 42:12 the Bible says that the Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life. Because he kept his faith, Job was rewarded with more than he had before the devil stepped in. 

When I made it to work a co-worker came into my classroom and gave me a gift. It's a devotional for for women and how to make a battle plan for prayer. I NEEDED THAT. TODAY. AT THAT MOMENT. A student came in and said "Ms. McCurdy, quiz me on my time tables. I can say them in under two minutes." And he did. And I celebrated with him. We jumped up and down and high-fived. If the Lord had taken me either of those times that I asked him then I wouldn't be able to enjoy that moment with my student. I wouldn't have been able to feel like my purpose was being fulfilled. Isaiah 55:8-9, "‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’" This season isn't for me to understand, but instead to walk through with my head held high knowing the the Lord will provide. Because He always does. ALWAYS.

Invisible Pain

What is endometriosis? What about interstitial cystitis? Those are questions I'm often asked when people wonder what's wrong with me. What are they to me? Well...

Its smiles to hide pain.
Its bloating.
Its "how far along are you?"
Its tears.
Its wacky hormones.
Its "these damn pants don't fit."
Its laying in bed.
Its exhaustion.

Its cranberry juice and water.
Its hormone therapy.

Its spice-less food.
Its going to the bathroom constantly.
Its morning pep talks to get out of bed.
Its being out of "spoons" before noon.
Its like walking around in labor.
Its stop-what-your're-doing contraction like pain.
Its "there's a chainsaw in my vagina."
Its middle of the night sweats.
Its being 28 years old having menopause like symptoms.
Its wondering if you'll have children again.
Its unbearable periods that feel like death.
Its like tiny people living on your insides constantly at war.
Its praying for the pain to subside so you can fall asleep.
Its heating-pads and pain pills.
Its walking around like your uterus is about to fall out.

Its the fetal position.
Its nausea. 

Its praying for a cure.
Its UTI after UTI.
Its being poked with needles.
It's biopsy after biopsy.
Its "pee in this cup so I can check your bladder and kidneys."
Its "does it hurt when I push here?"
Its sitting in the shower crying so that others can't see or hear.
Its walking with a limp.
Its stretchy pants and big shirts.

Its life-changing.
Its life-altering.

It's an invisible disease that no one believes unless they are going through it themselves or knows someone who is. It's not a woman being lazy or crazy. She's not "just on her period".  There is no cure. NONE. Hystorectomys aren't the answer. Removing ovaries doesn't solve the problem.

A Letter To My Son

Dear son,

I wish that I could say I know how you feel but the truth is I don't. I don't know how it feels to not have that fatherly bond because I'v been blessed with two of them. I'm a woman, so there is a lot that I can never teach you, like how to stand up and pee (that was a question for Poppa). I can tell you about the birds and the bees but there will be questions that I still cannot answer. I won't know how it feels when you have your first broken heart because of some silly girl. 

But I am your mother. I carried you inside of me for 9 months (eh, more like 8, you decided you were done baking a month early). I felt you live on my inside and now I watch live on my outside. I watched you pee on the side of the toilet cause neither of knew how to aim. I've waited in front of doors so that you would learn to to open them for women. I have given you stern looks when you burp so that you say excuse me afterwards. I've made you sit out on the sidelines of games for not doing your school work, not to embarrass you but to build character.

I'm here. I will always be here. I will laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny or the ones I don't understand. I will be your number one fan, and even when you don't win, you'll always be my MVP. When your heart breaks because of that silly girl I'll be there to make your favorite meal. When you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them (or Google, cause that's what we do best).

His absence is not a bad thing. He is not a bad person. You are not a bad child. The Lord had these plans for each our lives before we were even born. I won't allow you to let this dim your light because of this pain. You are wanted. You are loved. You were born for a reason. For a purpose. You have a destiny that is so much greater than this moment of your life. Cry if you must, that's what my shoulder is for. That's why they made Kleenex. But despite your current circumstances- refuse to sink, my son, refuse to sink!

Allow these insecurities about not knowing him motivate you. Push yourself harder. Push yourself to accomplish goals despite of his absence. You asked me if I thought you could be POTUS, when I said yes- I meant it. Work for that. Mama wants to know what it's like to walk the halls of The White House. Continue to make good grades and excel in sports. He may never make it to a game but I will always be there to cheer you and embarrass you from the sideline. Sometimes we expect things from people that they don't to give. Let his absence go and allow yourself to grow.

Love, 
Mama

Existing.

"To live is the most rarest thing in the world. Most people Just exist." -Oscar Wilde

Existing. 

That's what I've been doing for about a month now. I feel like I'm on auto pilot, existing each day but not really living. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. REALLY MAD. For the past week getting up each morning has been a struggle. I felt like "what's the point?"

I've been afraid. 

I've been stressed.

I've been sad.

I've been pissed.

Honestly, I've felt more defeated than I ever have before. I've never wanted to shout out "Okay, I quit" more than I have over the past few days. Do you know what it's like to walk around with a smile on your face just so people won't ask "what's wrong"? Do you know what it's like to fight back tears in the middle of a work day just because a simple thought crosses your mind? 

I do.

For the past month I've tried to figure out ways to pay for my final semester of college. I was recently told "If I were you I'd just withdraw from classes until you're able to pay for it." Ironically, how am I ever supposed to be able to pay for it if the one thing holding me back from a "better job" is a degree. A degree that I am supposed to get in December... IF I pay for classes. Class that I can't afford.

Yesterday I broke. I found myself driving around town. No particular destination, just wanted to be alone. As I drove I kept saying "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I". I cried (seems to be a lot of that water stuff these days). After the water works I felt a "weight" lifted. No, there was no miraculous email that said my tuition had been paid for.

We sing a song at church that goes: "I'm looking for a miracle. I expect the impossible. I feel the intangible. I see the invisible. The sky is the limit to what I can have. Just believe and receive it, God will perform it today." If ever there was a time I looked for a miracle, it's now.

I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school, but I know God wouldn't dare bring me this far just to leave me here now. I like to write (obviously) so I wrote God a letter. I wrote down specific needs and placed it in my bible. Although I feel my faith slowly diminishing, I'm holding on tight to the promises that I read in the Bible. Promises like:

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I have not because I ask not.

Everything He made is very good.

He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me.

I can do all things through Christ (even pay for tuition).

If I didn't know God, I probably would have given up. Wait. Let me be honest. I do know God and I still was ready to give up. I had to remind myself of why I started this journey in the first place. Kids. I know that'll I'll never get rich teaching but I get the chance to make a difference and that means more to me than any dollar amount. I want to hear "Ms. McCurdy, because of you I didn't give up." I want to be able to say "The class that is graduating this year was the class I taught my first year of teaching." It's so frustrating to be THIS CLOSE yet so far away. Even now, as I type, my eyes are full of tears because I'm afraid that I will fail. And that scares the [bad word] out of me. Under that fear is a mustard sized piece of faith holding on to the promises that the Lord made me....

I want you to know...

I have never been the "bash your child's sperm donor" type, however I can only take so much. Ten years. That's how long I have raised your son. Ten years. That's how long it's been since you've seen him. Six months. That's how long it's been that I reached out to you so that A'vion could meet you- his idea, not mine. Six months. That's how long you've had excuse after excuse and never met him. 2 days. That's when you texted me around one in the morning saying you wanted to see A'vion the next day. Against my better judgment, I agreed for you to let me know when you made it to town so that y'all could meet. 24 hours. That's how much time passed without hearing a peep from you. So I texted you. There was so much I wanted to say to you. But after praying about it, all I said was that I would no longer reach out to you. When Avion turns 18 and decides that he wants to meet I will fully support him 100% but until then...

I want you know...

that you're missing out on an amazing kid.

Other than wanting to get to know you,

he didn't want shit.

I want you to know...

that it's been 10, long stressful years.

Although I wasn't ready for motherhood,

I still put aside those fears.

I want you know...

that your antics don't hurt me at all.

They hurt the child you help create,

But I'm there to catch his every fall.

I want you to know...

because of you Avi knows what disappointment is like.

& because of me he knows what unconditional love

feels like because I give it with all my might.

I want you to know...

that I don't know what it's like to not have a dad.

I was blessed with two of them,

so I can't empathize when Avi is feeling sad.

I want you to now...

that he has plenty of father figures around.

They cheer him on at his games

and help pick him up when he's down.

I want you to know...

that I'm mad as hell, no actually I'm pissed.

There's been birthdays, Christmases,

celebrations, and other milestones that you've missed.

I want you to know...

that while you're missing out on watching him grow

Avi is missing out on anything!

I just thought that you should know.

An Open Window

Someone asked if I was afraid of new beginnings. Well, duh. I don't like "new" (unless it's a new pair of shoes- then I'm all in!). Then they said "don't stand there staring at the closed door because then you will miss the open window". And that's when it hit me. I was waiting.
Waiting for the metaphorically closed door to open.
Waiting.
But it never did.
Never.
And all this time, behind me was an open window. A window that had been open for 7+ years. Sure, I had always felt the breath of fresh air the window was giving, but it didn't stop me from thinking that once that door was open, things would be so much greater. But it never opened.

When you think about it, 7 years is a long time to wait for a person. Especially one who's stubborn and refuses to give you the love that you show them time & time again. (In case you were wondering, I'm that stubborn person.) Yet you wait. Wait for them to date other people. Wait for them to be disappointed by those other people. Wait on the sideline, picking them up each time they fall- only to have them run to someone else. Why?

In my mind, that means the person is crazy. But are they? Or am I the crazy one? Crazy for praying for that man, those men. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. I could say so many wasted prayers. But, looking back they weren't wasted- I was simply praying wrong. Yes, wrong. I was praying a generic prayer. HA! As if the God I serve was a generic God. Like He doesn't have the power to move mountains. Like He can't take cancer out of someone's body.

Recently, I began to pray bolder specific prayers. Instead of praying for that man or those men (eh, lets call them boys instead), I began to pray for my "Boaz". A man that would accept me, flaws and all. Accept my stubbornness. Accepts my high maintenance. Accepts my wish-washy attitudes. Accepts my "leave me alones, wait.. why aren't you not here for me?". Accepts LaRonnica. I told God that I didn't feel worthy of having a man like that, so then I prayed He molded me into a Proverbs 31 woman so that I could accept "Boaz" when he came along. For those who don't know about Boaz, let me explain a little... (In the book of Ruth, she (Ruth) was married to one of Naomi's sons who had had died. After traveling to Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz. He helped her and took care of her, after seeing her work in the fields. Later, he married her.)

I've always been the strong independent type, maybe a little to "proud". I have never needed nor wanted a man to take care of me- which is a downfall. But the book of Ruth taught me (in today's terms) that a strong woman can take care of herself but a good (Godly) man won't let her. He comes along at just the right time and helps her. And as a Godly woman, she accepts that he was sent to her, soley for that purpose.

So while praying these bolder prayers I realized that window was still open. And by window, I mean a guy. A guy who has been waiting for me for so long. When others would have (and did) give up, he never did. Never. I'm still praying those bold specific prayers, asking God to open not only my eyes but my heart to accept this man, if he is indeed my Boaz. You see, after being hurt people, or maybe just me, tend to build this wall. Trust me when I say I have my wall built- but somehow he found away around it or over it. Either way, he's here. And he said he wasn't going anywhere. And I'd like to take him up on that :)

Breakthrough

 Over the past few weeks I have felt as if God has said this so many times to me. It's amazing how we say we trust God yet at the first sign of trouble our doubt kicks in. That's not of God. I once heard "often times when we feel like giving up our breakthrough is just around the corner, so hold on a little while longer". If I wasn't a believer of that before, I certainly am now!

Fasting from social media to get closer to God brought so many struggles and obstacles my way. I resigned from a job that had been taking so much of me from me. My doctor told me I would have to have another surgery, possibly removing an ovary. People who I thought were a friend became an enemy. It seemed like everything I thought was meant to be wasn't. That scared me. I don't like change. At. All. 

At the beginning of my fast I asked God to take away everything and everyone that was pulling me away from Him. I was looking with blind eyes and now I needed to "see" again. So He did. I wasn't prepared for that but I quickly learned to welcome it. I remember laying across my bed in tears, thinking "what now?" In that moment I realized I was truly changing because it used to be "why me?" 

A few days ago, a friend told me "we aren't meant to stay in one place forever". How very true? We start to get complacent at where we are but God doesn't want that. If He says "I put you there, you have fulfilled that purpose, now you must move on..." you had better learn to listen! Gather your things and go! That's faith- taking that first step, not seeing it, but believing it's there because of the amazing Lord we serve.

My time in between jobs were spent resting. Yes, resting. Before that, I felt as if I was constantly on the go. Soccer practices, basketball games,  football tourneys, volunteering in the after school program, my homework, Avion's homework, night classes, honor choir, pta activities, head room mom stuff... It seemed to never end. 

Ironically, right before my fast I started a book study called "breathe". So God gave me that time to breathe. At first, it was hard to "breathe" but then it got easier. After a few weeks God was ready to place me where I was needed. I was nervous at first but every person at the new school has welcomed me with open arms. My first day I was standing in the bus lane and student walked up to me and hugged me. I smiled and said "what's that for?" Her response was "everyone needs a hug, you look like you needed a big one." Everyday since she has given me that same hug. 

That was the one thing I was afraid of after leaving my job. Acceptance. But it's here, all around me. I have no clue why the Lord guided me here but I accept it. I will continue to praise Him in advance for my next blessing. I don't know what it is but I know it's on the way.

I'm living proof that giving it over to God will allow blessings to overflow abundantly into your life. You, yes you, the one reading this feeling like giving up- DON'T! Each time you feel like giving up, remember all those reasons why you've held on this long. Remember those feelings you had about it in the beginning, hold on. Even when you don't understand, say "nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done, Lord." and watch your blessings pour! Don't you dare worry, your breakthrough is around the corner- all you need is faith!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen .