Im not sure....

It's 12:52, I pull into my apartments and it hits me how "uncertain" I am. I wouldn't call it depression... Much more of uncertainty. I just spent the last 4 hours away and I smiled, laughed, giggled, joked... Pretty much the happiest I've been in awhile. Yet I turn my turning signal on towards the apartments and it hits me how unhappy I am....
Its time to fix that! I should not feel this way to a place I pay half of the rent. Neither should I keep pretending as if I am happy. A change is gonna come. Soon. And very soon.
No more feeling as if I am "begging". What's meant to be will be and what's not won't ever be. If its in His will, I'll have it. If its not, I won't. Simple. As. That.
Confession: I tend to allow people to stay in my life more than they deserve due to me not wanting other people to judge me. Honestly, screw you! Only God can judge me. Why should I suffer for your lack of maturity?! She can have it. Lord knows I can do bad by myself! Adios.

Before the Ring

Everyone keeps asking me about marriage. On one hand I think I may be ready, on the other I am not so sure. Of course, I want to. What girl doesn't?! In fact, I have pretty much planned it out. During a recent conversation with my pastor, he asked me if I have heard about the book Before the Ring. He told me to go get it. We were talking about my current relationship situation (whatever that is). It got me thinking...

When you get married, "two become one". I know what I want and I know what I won't settle for- which is why I am not married now. I have a few fears...
(1) becoming fat- but that's another blog (sooner rather than later).
(2) being a horrible mother (who's kid is just as horrible)
(3) marrying someone who doesn't take my kid as their own...

You see, I am a packaged deal. When I marry someone I want it to be FOREVER. So it was to be right. Like Bible right. When we get married will Avion be introduced as a son or a step-son, there's a difference! Will he be "my son" or "our son". What happens if I have another child by my husband, will Avi be treated differently? Will I resent that second child because my husband cares more for his biological child rather than the child he gained by marriage? REAL QUESTIONS!

I also like to know things. No so much as being controlling or noisy BUT I do expect my husband to be able to tell me where he is going, as well as me telling him. I expect us to have a great sense of communication- because that is key in any relationship, especially a marriage.

I don't think I could ever be a stay at home mom. I am easily bored. Not to mention that I have a huge problem depending on people. One thing I fear most about marriage is becoming too dependent on my husband. What if he leaves? What happens then?

Another thing my pastor said during our conversation is that I have to get over my insecurities. I have to learn to let go of the past hurt and pain. I need to learn to open up and share my feelings. <-- None of those things come natural to me. My guard is always up. I don't like letting people in (because I am afraid that I'll get hurt). Even the Bible says "Above all else guard your heart".

I am slowly learning that it is okay to let someone in. It's okay if I let go of all of the past hurts- they are only bringing me down. Just because someone hurt me in the past doesn't mean that people in my future will do the same- even if I do get hurt again, it's okay! It's only prepping me to become an amazing wife, right?!

Let it Shine

Let me start off by saying that I have an amazing pastor. He is someone that I can go to who is nonjudgmental and gives some of the best advice. He took over our church a few years ago. At the time I was not into church- whatever that mean. When my grandma Dot died (almost) 10 years ago I was very angry at God. I questioned Him and was extremely upset. I never went back to True Vine (my Grandma's church) again. I would go to my MawMaw's church every once in a while. Don't get me wrong, after I got over the frustration and depression I asked for God to forgive me for questioning Him. I still prayed. I still talked to God. But it was mostly when I needed Him. About four and half years ago I went to a church service at Mt. Elem (my church home now), I was going through a tough time and I really needed some sort of direction. The sermon that day really spoke to me! Something inside of me moved that day. I remember texting one of the ladies at the church and asking her how I could rededicate my life. A few days later the pastor came to me and we spoke about rededicating my life to God. Pastor Anthony asked me if I had been saved before, I replied yes. He asked me how I knew and I said "I was baptized when I was little..." He smiled and said how else I knew. I drew a blank and stood there looking at him. He asked me if I had ever prayed the sinner's prayer. I shook my head. He handed me a Bible and told me to turn to Romans 10:9-10 and say the verse out loud... "(9)If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe with your heart that God raised Him from the dead, thou shall be saved. (10) For with the heart you believe unto righteousness and with the mouth you confess- giving you salvation." After reading this he held my hand and prayed over me. I started taking classes with Pastor Anthony and got baptized (when I truly understood the meaning). There was a lot that I kept inside. Stuff that no one ever knew because I was too afraid or too ashamed to tell. But when I was in class (one on one) with pastor, I could say it and not worry. I remember on Father's day that year I explained to him how I had hatred for my biological father. He listened to my whole story. He handed me tissue as I cried. He then pointed me back to the Bible (thou shall honor your father and mother).

Fast forward until last night... at Bible study Pastor pulled me aside and spoke with me. He told me that he was proud of me for being in the young adult Easter skit. He was surprised to see me because usually had an excuse as to why I couldn't do something. I told him how excited I was to be a part of it and how the play had touched me. He responded with "why haven't you done anything about that?" I was confused. He then went on to say that God blesses us so that we can bless others. Even if it's with a simple story of how we got through a situation. Maybe there is someone going through that situation and feels as if there is no way out... I'm 25 (26 in a few months) but I have been through a lot.

I've had people who mean the world to me let me down.
I've had people who were supposed to be here for me, walk away or say things that hurt me to the core. I've loved and lost.
I had a baby when I was 16.
I was told by family that I would never be anything if I kept my son.
I was told by a customer I was headed to hell for having a kid out of marriage.
I was told by the world that I couldn't raise a kid as a single mother and make it out (statistics).
I've been told that I am too fat. My head is too big. I'm not pretty enough...

But I got over it. I GOT OVER IT! I moved past it. I overcame it. It was hard. Extremely hard. A million tears and sleepless nights. Thousands of hows, whens, whys. Hundreds of doubts. If I learned nothing else I learned that I am one strong person. Looking back on the past few years I have no clue as to how I overcame it, other than faith....

So why keep that all inside? Why not share it with someone else? I am sure than somewhere someone is going through or will go through what I went through and need some light to be shed. SO THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE. LET IT SHINE. LET IT SHINE. OH, LET IT SHINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Confession: Many nights I prayed to God to take my life. I questioned my purpose. I questioned why He had let things happen to me. Never once did I ask God, "why not me?" I still have NO CLUE what my purpose is in life, however I know that the Lord has something spectacular planned. One say soon, real soon, I will stand before a crown and tell them my marvelous testimony. Don't worry- I'll post it in my blog too! :)

Overboard

Here lately, I feel  ____________. In case you didn't get it, it's blank. People keep asking me "are you okay" and I honestly have no answer. How do I feel? I feel so much that I feel nothing at all. Complete numbness.
I am upset that I am not where I should be in life. But where is that?! Where should I be? Who says I should be there? When I get there, do I stay there or keep pushing for more? So many times have I felt like giving up. Throwing in the towel. Sometimes it gets so bad all I can say is "Lord, help me." I cry. I scream. I look to Him and keep repeating "Lord, help me." LORD, HELP ME.
On the outside looking in, it may seem like I have it all together. But inside I am a mess. A hot mess! I have the inability to tell people no. "Ms. McCurdy can you do... " -Yes. "LaRonnica, will you...." -Of course. I once heard a someone say a pro is a person who does so many things and makes it look easy. Trust me, it's not that simple. Far. From. It.
I laid on my couch the other night, fighting back tears. I was in one of those moods where I felt as if I was drowning. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean, going under and coming up gasping for air- only to go right back under. While I feel like this all of my friends and family are in boats surrounding me- yet no one has threw out a life jacket to help save me...
Once I fell asleep that night I began dreaming... I can't recall how it started but I do remember I felt like there was a person after me, trying to kill me or something. I kept running from place to place and the person kept trying to get me. I got to my Grandma Dot's house. I was explaining all of it to her when the person was outside in the street, standing there, dressed in all black. I was so afraid. Then all of a sudden we weren't in the house, we were in an open space. The person started coming toward us. When I looked at my Grandma she started to walk away. I tried to follow her and she told me it wasn't my time to go yet. She said I had to stay and fight. I told her I couldn't. I told her I had no strength left. I just wanted to run away with her. Before she disappeared she said something. One word. "Faith".
Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up and start my busy day.
If if wasn't for faith, I have no clue where I would be. I am grateful that the Lord's amazing grace is covering me. Sometimes I have no clue how I am going to make it to the next second. And something happens to reassure me I'll make it until the next minute. Then the next hour, next day, next week, next month, next year...  My life was easier when my grandma was around. It was simple. I had no worries. I felt invincible. She had an answer to every question. But was that healthy? I guess that eventually I would have had to get out and figure things out myself. That's life. It gives you the tests first then the lesson afterwards. Of course, I am not where I feel I should be. That's because I'm acting in "self". However I am where God wants me. Do I understand why? Not. At. All. But one say I will look back at this very moment, possibly this very blog post, and a light bulb will go off. That defining moment will come and I will be glad for those tears shed. In times of weakness is when I began to find my true strength.
CONFESSION: They say life is from B to D (birth to death). But what's between B and D? It's a C. It is a choice. Life is full of choices. I can choose to stay overboard and drown or I can choose to swim my ass off until I make it to shore. I will feel so much better when my feet are on solid land. Of course, it won't be easy and my arms may get tired. I can stop to take a breath, as long as I keep kicking my feet so I won't go under!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

One Woman Can.

One Woman Can.
&& that one woman is ME.

I sell Mary Kay, so this past weekend I went to a career conference. This was my first one and I was pretty hesitant. I paid $80 a couple months back but kept trying to find an excuse as to why I shouldn't go. The days leading up to the conference I kept saying I was going to text my director and cancel. But something would happen and I would forget. Well Thursday rolls around and its the day before I leave. Needless to say, I had no other choice but to go.

So I went.

And I must admit I am glad that did. Not only did I have a great time with a wonderful group of women, I learned a lot of stuff. Most importantly, I learned more about myself...
I am wonderfully and fearfully made by Him. Who is Him? The Lord, of course. I felt so much of His presence in those meetings. So much knowledge gained. Four top millionaires talked to us about their journeys through Mary Kay. Funny thing is, they had the same doubts as I do...
Here I am, almost 26 years old, a single parent. I have two college degrees and a basic peace officer certificate. But I want nothing to do with criminal justice. I worked in that field and learned I disliked it. Now I work with children and I absolutely adore them. I also love that I'm at home more with my own son. I don't have to depend in my parents to help raise him because I'm working night shifts.

I may never be like those four top millionaires that spoke to us but I will succeed at whatever I put my mind on because I have the Lord on my side. He says "Be still and I will fight your battles.". If He is WITH me, which can be AGAINST me?

Confession: The day I went on administrative leave from my old job I went to a MK meeting. I signed my agreement that night. I was afraid that I had just wasted $100. Looking back, I see that I gained so much more! I am amongst God-fearing women who have the same goals and dreams as I do. I have people who motivate me and encourage me to push forward. I wasn't getting that at my old job. I used to work from 6pm-6am and hardly ever saw my son. Now I'm always at home. I tuck him at night. I tell him I love him & kiss his cheeks. I am at every soccer game to see every goal he makes. Mary Kay didn't give me extra money, it gave me "me" back. It helped me find myself. I can finally breathe!

If not now, then when...

"Why put off til tomorrow what you can do today?"

I hated that saying growing up. Boy, did I hear it. A LOT! I'm not saying I was a lazy child. Okay, maybe just a little. But I figured, I have the time why can't it wait?
Fast forward some years...

I've come to realize we actually don't have time. So many young people have lost their lives over small insignificant things. Older people pass on... Its just their time to go. I often say I have no regrets. But if I could have one "do over", it'd be to call my grandma on July 24, 2003 and tell her how much I appreciated her. How much I loved her. How she was my best friend. My protector. But you know what I used that last phone call for? To complain how much my sister got on my nerves. To complain. My last words to her was a complaint. Nearly ten years and I still beat myself up over that.

If her death taught me nothing else, it taught me not to put off things. If you love someone, say it. If you you miss them, tell them. If they hurt you, bring it to light.

I wear my heart on my sleeves. I cry at sappy chick flicks. Let's not even get started on Lifetime movies/shows. I had this ex boyfriend, my first love. I just knew we'd get married. Obviously we didn't, lol. But back then no one could have told me differently. So many break ups and make ups and not once did I love him any less. So many other girls. And guys. But my heart had never left him.  9 years of that. It got old. All of those empty "I'm sorrys". Those heartless "I love yous". I used to see him and wonder what if. Thankfully now I am over those. What if can tear you up inside!

I have no problem telling a person how I feel. Good or bad. I've settled for way less than I've deserved. But not anymore. No more putting my all in something to only get a portion back. I love hard. I get stressed and cranky. But if you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best!!! If you can't understand that, adios!

Confession: Once, after breaking up with that above ex,  I was extremely heart broken. He had moved on and had no problem flaunting his new girlfriend in my face. Talk about broken! One day I got the courage to tell him how I felt. We got back together for a few years. But of course it ended. What's so great about that, huh? I found a courage I never knew I had. 20 seconds of extreme courage and something great came... I found I possessed strength!

Dinner is served.

"Did you know you were married to Zeddrick?"
-Nope. Didn't know that.
"Yes you did! My mama told me you were with him and yall live together with your kid."

Yes. This really happened to me. A child asked me this. Why this child knows so much about my personal life is beyond me. Why "adults" discuss another's personal business is also beyond me. AND WITH A CHILD!!! This wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me. It happened a few weeks ago with another child who informed me that their mom didn't like me. REALLY!!!!

 I will NEVER sit and have a conversation with A'vion about one of my exes and his new girl. For one, he's my past. Most likely for a reason. Two: I have better things to do with my life. For you to sit around and discuss me means that you are pretty pathetic! You're a simple minded person.

Personally, I am too busy of a person to sit around thinking about my past relationships with Avi. Soccer practices. Soccer games. PTA stuff. Room mom planning. School. Working at TWO schools. Making up dance routines. Finding crafts for my kinders. Carpooling. Mary Kay. Guitar lessons...

Need I go on?!

Do I think about my past? Yes. Do I discuss those events with my child? NEVER. Why would I? Have you ever heard that saying "stay in a child's place?" I see why it's so hard for some kids... their parents treat them like friends instead of being the parent. That's disgusting. The same things that make you laugh now will make you cry later!

If I have an issue with another adult, I go to that adult. I don't sit around telling A'vion that I don't like them or they used to date one of my exes...  This is how I see it: he's my ex. He was an appetizer that I sampled and didn't like. So I sent him back. And now I am waiting on the entree God will send me in due time. And once the Lord blesses me with him, we'll have dessert (our happily ever after- forever).

Confession: At one point I was that person who held grudges. Sometimes for no reason at all. I would let exes get to me by flaunting there new girl. And I would hate her. HATE. But one day I realized how silly that was (I was in high school). He was her problem now! Why was I mad? I am almost 26 years old and I have more things to do with my time and better things to discuss with my child than past relationships.