The most dangerous place in the world? Between a mother and her son!

For the past 8 (almost 9) years I have had the privilege of being the mother to the most amazing kid ever created (in my eyes). I'm sure all mothers feel that way about their children. If you don't, you don't have a pulse. Through all of my highs and lows it has been that kid that has pulled me through or pushed me harder. The bond between mothers and sons are unbreakable but ours possess some sort of magic...

When I started this blog I vowed that I would be honest- no matter what. No matter the topic. So here is a topic that I don't like talking about because it's emotional for me. I'll address it though...

A'vion's father walked out on me when I was pregnant with him. Silly me, I wanted a family for my son so after he was born we tried it again. Whatever "it" was, it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be. I accepted that. He was a lesson learned- I swore I would never settle for less than I deserve and I haven't, for A'vion's sake. Through the years we heard from the donor of sperm MAYBE once a year- if that. By "heard" I mean he would message me on facebook (and myspace). For the most part the messages all sounded the same "How are you guys doing? I've been thinking about you..." Of course I would direct the conversation to Avion. Then and argument would occur. Normally those arguments would get me down. Last night was different. He messaged me the typical message. I responded. He asked if Avion played sports and wanted to know the game schedule. THIS IS WHERE I STRUGGLED. So I texted two of my close friends for advice. I prayed over it. Then I sat my son down and tried to explain to him the situation. Anyone who knows my son, knows he is absolutely intelligent. His response to inviting the donor of sperm to a game was "If he didn't want to be in my life then, why does he want to come to a game now? If he is my REAL DAD why isn't he REALLY here with me (in my life)?" Those words crushed me. I had no explanation for that. Then again, it's not my place to explain that. So when I messaged the donor of sperm back with Avion's response he tells me I should of told Avion I kept him away and that I made him sign over his rights. I don't like to argue about past situations. But let's be clear about a  few things:
1.) He had 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend visitations (per court papers). He was to pick Avi up at 6pm on Fridays and return him to me no later then 6pm on Sundays.
Call me crazy but when I get a text message at 5:30 Sunday evening saying I am not bringing him back, I'll bring him to you Tuesday that boiled my blood. So yes, me and my sister drove to a different city and I took my child from you. And you wanted me to explain this to Avion. What was I supposed to say? That the entire time I had o endure some of your family members calling me out of my name. That each of those weekends I had to send a car-seat and baby bag full of clothes, pampers, formula, bottles, wipes, pacis, etc because you didn't have any!
2.) I asked you to sign over your rights. At any time you could have said no. You could have fought for your rights IF YOU WANTED TO.  Before you signed on the dotted line you should have thought about the future  or the damage you may cause. Yes, I asked because at the time I was having to count child support as income for my financial aid and my rent. I wasn't receiving any support and I didn't think that was fair. I sat in my landlord's office in tears because she was going to raise my rent. I gave her my password to the attorney general's website so she could see for herself (and print out) that I in fact was not receiving any support. You and your father went to my lawyer's office AHEAD OF TIME AND SAT OUTSIDE waiting for them to draw up paperwork for the termination of rights. Who paid $1100? Me, that's who. Did I complain? HELL NO.
3.) You supported a child that you never got to see? What support was that? The $4 or $5 dollars I got in child support every few months? Or the $1.31 that was my first payment and I laughed about then took Avi to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate- just because I could. Or the income tax refund that was taken from you and given to me AFTER the termination of rights because you had been behind in child support. Then I had to endure being told what a bad mother I was. How I was "raising my son white y letting him play the guitar and play soccer..."
It takes a hell of a whole lot more than money and coming to sporting events to be a parent. No one but God knows the tears I have cried because I had no clue how to raise a child, let alone be a single mother at the age of 17. I could have easily been a coward like you and put him off on someone else. But I wasn't raised that way. As scared and confused as I was I stepped and did what I was supposed to do AS A MOTHER. I could have easily been one of those moms who used the child to keep the father around, but why? I was much to strong for that- even when I didn't believe I was. I am far from a perfect mother but I would give that little boy my last breath if I had to. I was there for his first steps, every stomach virus, his first word, his first time kicking a soccer ball into a goal, his first 100 on a spelling test, every fall or scrape of the knee, everything that upset him. You don't know how big his eyes light up when he accomplishes something- even if it is small. You have no clue that he gets upset when I order pepperoni pizza and don't get jalapenos. You don't know that in second grade he got so obsessed with Titanic that he he saved up all his money to buy books on it. You have no idea that he likes to watch Law and Order to see if he can figure out the crime before the detectives. You missed out on some amazing things that he has done. He's one of the smarted kids I know. When he's passionate about something he puts his all into it. He loves helping others. He is funny and tells the most lamest jokes but I still laugh anyways. You don't know that when he grows up he wants to be a spy. You have no idea that he is already picking out colleges that he wants to attend.
YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE. Don't blame me because you were a coward. For once, accept that you messed up. You wanted me to tell him "everything". Well I couldn't. Because then I would have had to tell him about all of lies, the cheating, the abuse, you getting one of my "best: friends pregnant, the gun, how you had a girlfriend that live in the same apartments as us and you never came to see him... need I go on? No sir, I don't have to tell him anything, he's smart and he understands a lot more than a normal 8 year old. I don't have to put you down (and I have never done that), the fact that you aren't in his life does that. If blaming me makes you feel better about yourself, go do that. But one day he may want to meet you. I can only pray that by then you have manned up. Or maybe when he's older he'll stumble across this very blog...

Put it in ALL of the papers, I'm not afraid. They can read all about it.

What is understood does not need to be explained. Obviously, you don't understand. So let me explain....
I have never once thought that I was "better" than anyone. I believe that we are all afforded the same opportunities. What we do with those opportunities is up to us. I refuse to allow any one the joy in seeing me fail. I refuse to allow anyone to be able to hold anything I've done in the past against me. You can not and will not dictate my future. Plain and simple. Since you want to throw hissy fits and TRY to throw "slugs" and wanna talk about my past, here it goes:

Let's talk about all of the worries and tears I had as a 17 year old pregnant girl in her senior year of high school. Let's talk about what it was like to be told (by family) how I was never going to amount to anything as a single mother. Let's talk about how I missed ONE DAY of my senior year and begged my doctor to allow me to go back to school so that I could be able to graduate with my class. Let's talk about how I worked until the day I went into labor and then returned to work not even three weeks later. Let's talk about how I NEVER asked Avion's biological father for anything. Everything that he needed I provided. Did I do it alone? No. I had help from my parents and sister. Let's talk about how I did graduate ON TIME. Let's talk about how I went to college and got TWO DEGREES. Let's talk about how I received my Basic Peace Officer Certificate. Let's talk about how I worked 12 hour night shifts and never once missed one of Avi's soccer games, classroom parties, or field trips. Let's talk about all of the sacrifices that I have made for him and never once have I regretted a thing.

So you see, for all the bad you think you know- I've done twice as much good. I'm not perfect. I do not claim to be. But for all of those things that I have done in the past, I have asked God to forgive me. I have a peace with my past, something you will never know because you are too simple minded. By trying to expose someone or "air their dirty laundry" because your mad shows not only your immaturity but your ignorance. I could definitely be as silly as you and start naming off the LONG list of the skeletons in your closet. I could make Facebook statuses to get people to like or comment on to be messy. But what would that prove? That I am just as ignorant as you! And I am not. It's always been said that the people that frown upon you the most is "your own kind". In my situation "my kind" isn't other black people, it's family. What a sad sad case.

I will not ever belittle myself or dumb myself down to make you feel better. Misery loves company and I am too blessed to allow you to bring me down with your miserable-ness. The difference between me and you isn't that I think that I am better. The difference is that I refuse to settle. PERIOD. Another difference between us is that I don't care what anyone walking this earth's surface thinks of me. I don't care about their judgments or who they think I am. What you think of me or say about my past won't push me into hell any more than it will stop me from entering into heaven.
Avi's father wasn't good for me- lesson learned. I didn't try to make him stick around because I had his child. I accepted the responsibility. My close "friends" backstabbed me- lesson learned. I don't go out to eat or clubbing with them. And I sure as hell don't share a baby daddy with my friends. I majored in criminal justice for 6 years and got my BPOC and worked at the jail for a year, I hated it- lesson learned. I didn't continue to wallow in self pity, I got up and found something I am passionate about- teaching. I got tired of getting cars from the mom and pop dealerships- lesson learned. I went out and got me a newer model car. The ONLY help I got was my step dad cosigning. I didn't ask him or my mom for my down payment. I don't like certain parts of this town- so why would I live there and raise my child there? It's not called being better, it's called not settling. My car isn't this nicest but it's mine. My job isn't the best but I love those students as if they were my own. My apartment isn't in the nicest neighborhood but I don't have to worry at night.

Am I so independent that I don't need help? NO FREAKING WAY. The Bible says that pride comes before your biggest downfall. Do I need help? At times. But I can honestly say that any money that I have ever gotten from my parents or sister, I have paid them back. When I have extra money I give it to them or buy them things. I don't wait for handouts. I don't think this world owes me a damn thing. Everything I got, I've worked my ass off to have and I will not feel bad for it. Instead of saying "she thinks she's better..." stop settling. Stop settling for that guy that shows you a little attention. If he can't do for you AND YOUR KIDS, why are you entertaining him? MOVE ON. For the past three years the same man has been in my life. Even when we aren't doing well, he still does for Avion. And if we ended tomorrow, he would continue to play the father role in my son's life because that is the kind of bond they have. Can you say that about the boys you have in and out of your bed?

What I am tired of is how the first thing that comes out of your mouth when your mad is "she thinks she's better...". SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. Your just not happy with your life and want others to feel just as bad. BUT I WON'T. I WILL NOT feel bad for anything. My kid wears name brands because I work hard to buy it for him. But he also wears stuff from WalMart. And I love me some Goodwill, thrift stores, and garage sales.

That saying "blood is thicker than water" is only true when it comes to science. I'm tired of all of this insanity. No longer will I allow it in my life. If I don't speak to you, oh well. Get over it. It's not that I think I am better, it's that you are too messed up in the head and I have no room for that. You are who you surround yourself with and I am not going to become a Debbie Downer like you. As family, I love you. But I do not have to like you. I do not have to pretend to like you. I do not have to speak to you. SO I WON'T. Don't expect me to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. No, I will not cook for you, bake you a cake, babysit your children, drive you to the store, let you borrow money, or give you some of what I have. Instead I will pray even harder that the Lord guides you to get all of that evilness, hatred, selfishness, and ignorance out of your heart and soul. The devil comes in many forms- even family. With that being said, I am letting go and letting God handle all of that mess you bring. Go serve it up to someone else. I don't need it nor want it. Goodbye.

Just Keep Swimming

One thing that I've learned in the past 26 years is that often times the minute you feel like giving up a breakthrough is soon to come. So many times I've wanted to quit. Throw in the towel. Straight up give in. Then some sign from God appears assuring me that I'm gonna be just fine. For the past 8 1/2 years that sign came in the form of the most adorable kid I've ever laid eyes on. Sometimes that sign was remembering something my Grandma Dot had said. Sometimes that sign was getting a phone call or text from my mom or sister. Whatever form that sign came in or will come in, it pushed me to hold on a little tighter. With every heartbreak. Every tear. Every disappointment. Every trial and tribulation... there's been this little voice inside of me saying "you can do it, but you gotta keep going..."
Its hard to keep going when you feel like you have no strength to persevere. Its hard when you feel like you're carrying the weight of thw world on your shoulders, with no one to pass it to so you can take a break. Its hard to keep going when the harder you pray for peace the devil serves up a heaping plate of hell! Its hard when you cry yourself to sleep each night because you just don't know but then wake up the next morning forcing a smile so no one will ask "whats wrong?"
Do you even care or are you just nosey?

However, life can be summed up in three words: it goes on!
He broke my heart. Life went on. I lived before him, I'll live after him.
She stabbed me in my back. Life went on.
My grandma died. Life went on.
I became a single parent. Life went on.
I made a bad grade. Life went on.
I lost my job. Life went on.
Friends became enemie. Life went on.
Life went on.
It went on.
 IT. WENT. ON.

Sometimes, you gotta wipe away the tears. Get over your fears. Put your big girl panties on. Look life in the face and say BRING IT...
&& just keep swimming.

Oh, I wish...

 

As I sit here thinking about the past ten years I still can not believe that you're not here. I never imagined my life without you and I honestly don't know how I have survived this long without you. You were my "go-to". If there was ever a question I didn't have an answer for you did.  The day you died, a piece of me was lost. Maybe it died with you. There are times that my heart aches so bad that I just want to curl up and cry. But what would that solve? Tears won't bring you back, trust me I've cried a million trillion billion of them. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I cry. I read a Bible verse, it reminds me of you. I cry. I see an older woman in bifocals, it reminds me of you. I cry. Sometimes thunder storms make me cry. Christmas Eve will never be the same for me. For years I didn't eat Chicken & Dressing. The smell made me miss you. The thing that hurts the most is that you weren't here for some of the most important days of my life. You didn't see me graduate high school or either of my college graduations. You didn't see me graduate from the police academy. You didn't see me give birth to A'vion. He will never know the warmth you give. He'll never know what your hugs feel like. He'll never know your undeniable faith. You aren't here to see me be a mother, I'm not the best but I am trying. You won't be here to see me get my teaching certificate. You won't be here to see me walk down the aisle. I know that it's selfish to want you here but I NEED YOU HERE. Ten years later and it still doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I have to hold back tears sometimes so no one will see my pain. It doesn't seem fair that others have their grandmas and they only go visit them on holidays or special occasions. I've finally gotten over blaming myself for your death but it doesn't make this pain any less. This year, daddy isn't here for me to go to. He understood my pain. He didn't care about my tears. The pain is here. It's real. It's hard for me to breathe. 

Today I will cry. I will scream. I will shout. I will curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. I will mourn you. I will pray. And anyone who tells me it's past time to be over you will get punched in the face....

This is my now

Its been a year since Iost my job at the sheriff's office.
A YEAR. 365 DAYS.

I'll admit, I was afraid at first. I had no clue what I would I do next. There were days (and many nights) I found myself in tears. I felt unworthy for so many reasons. I had let a job define my worth. A JOB! I remember praying that the Lord would bless me with a job. Any job. I was willing to settle. Looking back, I wonder where I would be if He had of answered that prayer. Definitely not here...
Where is here? Here is finding out who I am. Here is finding out what makes me happy. Here is being able to spend more time with my son. Here is not having to sacrifice my health, sanity, faith, or life for a job.

Soon after losing my job, I was given the opportunity to be able to work with children. I was nervous. Actually, that's an understatement. That opportunity turned into a huge blessing.  Over the past year I have grown so close to some amazing children, whom I feel are my own. On Monday, I start on my third degree... a teacher certificate. After 7 years of crimina justice, a lot of people think I'm crazy. But I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I know it is. I find myself missing my students, I never missed any inmates. I have a chance to change lives. I have to the chance to make an impact on a child's life (in a good way). The inmates were usually too far gone. I love being out in public and having these little munchkins run up to me with smiles and his, instead of ducking and dodging ex inmates. It feels amazing to be appreciated. It feels great to say I have a career, not a job.
Sure, I'm afraid of this new chapter. But I'm hella excited too!  I know that God will guide me and keep me, so I'm not worried. Right here. Right now. This is where I am supposed to be!

My Body.

I'm 5'2.
116 lbs.
My legs measure 31".
My stomach measures 29".

I am the girl that LOVES to take pictures but has never been comfortable in my own body.

When I was younger it was my big head and lips that made me insecure. People had always made fun of them & laughed along with them, all the while hurting inside. As I grew older it was my butt & boobs- or lack there of. In middle school and the beginning of high school I was told I had no shape. Now its my...
Well, pretty much everything. I hate my stomach. I hate that my legs rub together. I hate that I am now in a size 5 when last year I was a size 3. I hate that my hair is at an awkward phase and seems to have stopped growing. I hate that my arms jiggle. For the past month, maybe even longer, I've been in a constant struggle with myself about my body. I have been working out on/off.

But I'm still not happy.

I almost had an emotional breakdown & talked to a few friends. They gave me some really encouraging words to help me out of my funk. But it wasn't until today, while sitting on my couch (tired from running two miles), I had an "ahaa" moment...

I was watching Wendy Williams (yes I watch it sometimes), and her guest was Alyssa Milano. Alyssa was talking about her young son. Wendy asked her about her weight and if she felt pressured to lose it. Alyssa said "I was 170 lbs when I gave birth. I am 5'2, that's huge for my frame. But the moment I held my son I could have cared less about those pounds. I realized my body was made to do profound things. My stomach or body will never be the same but so what?"

I sat there glued to my seat. Oh how right she is! I gave birth to Avion over 8 years ago, my thighs spread and will probably never be back to a size 0 that I was in High School. My stomach isn't the flattest but at one point not there was a child in there. Another life! A woman's body was created for child birth. Her hips are supposed to spread.

I was made in the image of the Lord. He makes no mistakes, why think He started with me? I'll have days when I still want to put on sweats and stay in bed but then I'll also have days when I feel beautiful- inside and out.

Church Folks.

After my Grandma died in 2003 I stopped going to church for a LONG time. I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at myself. And the few times I did walk through a church door I felt the stares. I could smell the judgments (I was a young mom after all). But I wonder if any of those Christians realized they were doing more harm than helping? Then I heard this song by Lyfe Jennings and it made me realize I wasn't alone. And I could judge those Christians back BUT I'd be in the same situation as them, so I won't judge YOU know, I'll pray for you. On the other hand, I can have church at my own house, after all it's not about the buidling- it's about the soul and believe me my soul is in the Lord.

 

MADE UP MY MIND: LYFE JENNINGS

 

Lord, they really think they foolin' you, by comin' to church on Sunday...

Prayin' and layin' hands on folks.

Stompin' and jumpin' around, fakin' the Holy Ghost. 

But it's a thin line between walkin' it and talkin' it.

 

And livin' it and givin' it or just pretendin' it's alright.

And did they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes?

Lord, did they really think that by fakin' they were saved that they would get the same reward?

And Lord who they think they jivin' by singin' these songs full of glory?

Then out in the world it's a different story I'm runnin' out of people to pray for me! And I'm not tryin' to act like I'm the perfect woman

But if you speak about it, you should be about it.

Not just preach about it all day.

 

Cause if you do you run the risk of chasin' some of the most beautiful people away.

 

And it is never my intention to discourage you. 

Rather encourage you to change your life today.

So that maybe thy will, will be done On Earth as it is in Heaven.
&& hopefully they will see How much they really be discouragin' a little old sinner like me.