Daddy...

Last Sunday I finally went to visit my biological father in jail. (pause for dramatic gasps)
I was nervous about the whole ordeal. I worked in a jail for over a year. I've know people in jail yet I have never once visited anyone. Never thought that I would. In fact, I told myself that I wouldn't visit him. He made his bed so he should have to lay in it, right? I was happy to see him and sad to leave. He looked like his old self. Like the daddy I knew when I was a kid...
I also refused to write him at first. But then I did. I wrote four pages of feelings that I had been harboring inside for almost 10 years. TEN YEARS! That's how long it's almost been since my Grandma passed.
Back to Ronnie...
Four pages of feelings.
Thoughts.
Fears.
I must admit that when I put it in the mailbox to be delivered I was afraid. I didn't even expect him to respond. But he did. Then I responded back. And we've been communicating every since. When I went to visit him I drove over an hour for only 20 minutes. Crazy, huh? Not exactly. I had been praying for him. Praying for us. You see, I am trying to change- for the better. I want to be able to teach Avi how to live in God's light by me living that way myself. How can I teach him about love and respect (for his parents) when I am harboring hatred myself?
And hatred for him is an understatement. I hated him for many reasons.
I'm not a girl with "daddy issues". But I did resent him. I have trust issues. I've never been in a relationship where there was a 100% trust.  I'm not saying that he's to blame... The guys gave me reasons but thats for a later blog post. My dad let me down. At a time when I needed him the most he wasn't around. Thinking back... Maybe he needed me too. Yes, I had lost my grandmother. The person who'd been my best friend for years. But he had lost his mother. So maybe we're both to blame. Fact is he's still my father. I still love him. I still have to do what's in God's word. And knowing this now... I feel relieved.
I am at peace with my relationship with my dad.

Confession:  At one point over these past 10 years I wondered if I would cry if my dad had died. I remember thinking once that I wouldn't. I told myself that I wouldn't even care. I prayed that the Lord would take that feeling away. That was the devil.

Heartbroken

I knew it was coming.
It was supposed to happen over 6 months ago. I knew that. But it didn't hurt any less seeing it. The house I grew up in. The house that was my second home. My safe haven. My grandma's house...

Disappointment.
Pain.
Anger.
Sad.
Hurt.
Relieved.
Feelings I feel at the very moment.

Does this means she's finally at peace? No more bad people coming in/out of the house SHE made a home. I hope so. I really hope so.

I am Christian. Hear me roar.

I'm not perfect. Yes, I do wrong. Trying my best but it just ain't good enough. Shunned by the world if I don't succeed. I ain't good enough but the He still loves me.

When you say you're Christian everyone expects you to never mess up. Ever. Yet, no one is perfect. So why hold mistakes against a person? One thing I've learned from my Christian journey is that I will mess up. Period. But the great thing about the Lord is that he forgives me and never holds my against me. Why can't man be like that? I know my past is full of spots and wrinkles. My future may have a few in it BUT I am a work in progress. I'm a train that's moving and everyday I'm picking up speed. God knows I'm not perfect. Name one person in the world that is. I'm not even a third of where the Lord wants me to be.

But I know I am different than I used to be (thank God).

I've prayer for people who've hurt me instead of plotting revenge. I've learned to hold my tongue instead of purposely hurting people with my words. That's takes strength!

Here lately my faith has been tested. I mean the devil has really been on me. If its not one thing its definitely another. Normally that's my que to give up. But there three things in life you do give up, give in, or give it your all. Call me crazy but I have been more motivated than ever to climb higher. I feel like I can do anything. AND I CAN. With Him all things are possible. Isn't that amazing? That it takes faith, the size of a mustard seed, for miracles we can't imagine to happen?

Motivation

Restless. Overwhelmed. Distraught. Saddened. Discouraged. Depressed.

Just a few emotions I have felt. At times I've felt like a failure. A couple of times I was on the verge of giving up. For some reason God didn't allow that. Actually not for SOME reason, for ONE reason. Avion. As I've said plenty of times before that child came along when I was at a dark place in my life. Lord knows the thoughts I was thinking. The emotions running through me. I was ready to give up. But I didn't because of him.
On my worst days that I feel like the lowest of the low I can look at him and push on. When I am around him, just us two, I feel like the most important woman alive. If I am sad he instantly cheers me.

With him I know failure is not an option.

The other day he came to me and said "mama you're the best gift I could get. I love you." Then he went on to say he wanted to get closer to God. So we got up early Sunday & went to Sunday school instead of just our normal church service. He was so excited about it. He makes me want to do better. For him.

This is a dedication to him. Because he loves me regardless.
Regardless if I'm broke.
Regardless if I wear make up.
Regardless if I'm in heels.
Regardless if I punish him.
Regardless of my faults or shortcomings.
Regardless.

That boy. My twin.
He loves me unconditionally.
What better feeling?

If I accomplish nothing else before I die, being his mom is by far the best thing I could ever be. A woman's calling is to be a Godly mom && that's what I intend on being. For Avion.

Confession: before my son I was ready to die. Really die. God blessed me with him to restore my faith & strength. It took courage to be a single mom at 17 just graduating high school. But I did it. Without Avi I doubt I could be here. For that I am eternally grateful. I owe that child my life. LITERALLY.

Single

A lot of relationships fail because one (or both) people begin to "settle". Lack of communication. Trust issues. Or forgetting that a couple is TWO... No more. No less. People rush into a relationship while they are still hurting from their last one. How is that heathly? Oh, I don't have more he answer if that's what you were thinking. I've been there before. I was in love with a person for years... 9 (maybe more) to be exact. After that ended I was hurt. But I picked up the pieces and moved on. Or so I thought. Eventually I learned that it was okay to be alone. Someone once told me that you have to learn to sit in a room by yourself and be okay with it. There's NOTHING wrong with being single. Back then I kept feeling like I was lacking something. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not skinny enough? Did I not put out enough? Looking back, I realize that I was ready to compromise who I was for someone. Somewhere I had lost me. It was a hard road to travel but I did. Alone. I was afraid because I didn't know how to be single. Especially with a child. I wanted a family and was willing to settle in order to get it. But that was nowhere near healthy. For me or Avi. I remember crying once asking God how was I gonna raise a son alone. I didn't know the first thing about being a man. [I'd been a girl/woman my whole life]. One day Avi asked me to demonstrate how boys stood up to go pee. I laughed because I realized God had a sense of humor. I struggled with being a single mom. More so because I worried what the world thought of me. It took a lot of strength, tears, lonely nights, and courage to be okay with being single. Nope. There's nothing wrong with it. I had to remind myself (and still do sometimes) that being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with ME. It means I know my worth and refuse to settle for anything or anyone less than what I deserve. It means that God is still writing my love story...

Truth: A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find it.

RELATIVEly Speaking

"Blood is thicker than water..."
I've heard this quote a million times. Scientifically, it is. Yet usually when a person says this, its about family V friendship. And that's where I would beg to differ. I have plenty of family my members that chose their "friends" over family. I must admit so do I. All in good reason though. Family can be the most judgmental people ever. && the excuse the use is because "I love you". Negative Batman. Love does not judge. Its not envious. It encourages rather than discourages. Don't get me wrong, I love my family... But if I had to chose there'd be a few less rotten apples in the barrel. Friends aren't all that marvelous either. They back stab. They talk about you. They lie. But there's always that ONE friend that no matter his long its been you can pick up where you left off. She or He will have your back despite you being wrong... But they'll tell you about it later!
My entire life has been one big fake smile... Trying to please my family so I wouldn't be a disappointment. But as I look around, I've lost who I wanted to be. In fact, I've disappointed myself. No more of that. For once, I'm doing what makes me happy, no matter how family looks down upon it. Tired of giving in to the normal. I'm different. And that's okay.
"There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."
-Proverbs 18:24

Jealous Much?

I don't think I can remember a time that I have been jealous. I mean super jealous. I've never understood why people, women in particular, get that way. Are there things I want more of in life? Yup. But do I get mad or downgrade someone because of that? Nope. If someone has something I want I will work twice as hard to obtain it. If I cant then I chalk it up as a loss. I realize that everything I want isn't everything I need.

Why do women look down on other women because of materialistic things? If you died right now would you be able to take that Michael Kohrs purse with you? Can that new car go to heaven (or hell) with you? So what's the point of being jealous? I'm not going to mad because a person can Cooke better than me. I may ask you for a recipe. I'm not gonna hate cause you have nice clothes. I'm gonna see where you got them.

I suppose I has to do with how you're raised. I was taught nothing in life comes free, you have to work for it. Truth is, you'll appreciate it more. There's something about spending your own money on something you've been having your eye on. Actually, I couldn't sit back and have a man constantly do for me. Neither could I have my parents. I love being independent.

Don't be upset or put down the next person because of jealousy. Instead work harder to obtain your goals. Jealousy is an ugly trait. Let it go!

Confession: If you only knew how bad I want to slap some sense into you. Instead I pray that God helps you.