Just Keep Swimming

One thing that I've learned in the past 26 years is that often times the minute you feel like giving up a breakthrough is soon to come. So many times I've wanted to quit. Throw in the towel. Straight up give in. Then some sign from God appears assuring me that I'm gonna be just fine. For the past 8 1/2 years that sign came in the form of the most adorable kid I've ever laid eyes on. Sometimes that sign was remembering something my Grandma Dot had said. Sometimes that sign was getting a phone call or text from my mom or sister. Whatever form that sign came in or will come in, it pushed me to hold on a little tighter. With every heartbreak. Every tear. Every disappointment. Every trial and tribulation... there's been this little voice inside of me saying "you can do it, but you gotta keep going..."
Its hard to keep going when you feel like you have no strength to persevere. Its hard when you feel like you're carrying the weight of thw world on your shoulders, with no one to pass it to so you can take a break. Its hard to keep going when the harder you pray for peace the devil serves up a heaping plate of hell! Its hard when you cry yourself to sleep each night because you just don't know but then wake up the next morning forcing a smile so no one will ask "whats wrong?"
Do you even care or are you just nosey?

However, life can be summed up in three words: it goes on!
He broke my heart. Life went on. I lived before him, I'll live after him.
She stabbed me in my back. Life went on.
My grandma died. Life went on.
I became a single parent. Life went on.
I made a bad grade. Life went on.
I lost my job. Life went on.
Friends became enemie. Life went on.
Life went on.
It went on.
 IT. WENT. ON.

Sometimes, you gotta wipe away the tears. Get over your fears. Put your big girl panties on. Look life in the face and say BRING IT...
&& just keep swimming.

Oh, I wish...

 

As I sit here thinking about the past ten years I still can not believe that you're not here. I never imagined my life without you and I honestly don't know how I have survived this long without you. You were my "go-to". If there was ever a question I didn't have an answer for you did.  The day you died, a piece of me was lost. Maybe it died with you. There are times that my heart aches so bad that I just want to curl up and cry. But what would that solve? Tears won't bring you back, trust me I've cried a million trillion billion of them. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I cry. I read a Bible verse, it reminds me of you. I cry. I see an older woman in bifocals, it reminds me of you. I cry. Sometimes thunder storms make me cry. Christmas Eve will never be the same for me. For years I didn't eat Chicken & Dressing. The smell made me miss you. The thing that hurts the most is that you weren't here for some of the most important days of my life. You didn't see me graduate high school or either of my college graduations. You didn't see me graduate from the police academy. You didn't see me give birth to A'vion. He will never know the warmth you give. He'll never know what your hugs feel like. He'll never know your undeniable faith. You aren't here to see me be a mother, I'm not the best but I am trying. You won't be here to see me get my teaching certificate. You won't be here to see me walk down the aisle. I know that it's selfish to want you here but I NEED YOU HERE. Ten years later and it still doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I have to hold back tears sometimes so no one will see my pain. It doesn't seem fair that others have their grandmas and they only go visit them on holidays or special occasions. I've finally gotten over blaming myself for your death but it doesn't make this pain any less. This year, daddy isn't here for me to go to. He understood my pain. He didn't care about my tears. The pain is here. It's real. It's hard for me to breathe. 

Today I will cry. I will scream. I will shout. I will curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. I will mourn you. I will pray. And anyone who tells me it's past time to be over you will get punched in the face....

This is my now

Its been a year since Iost my job at the sheriff's office.
A YEAR. 365 DAYS.

I'll admit, I was afraid at first. I had no clue what I would I do next. There were days (and many nights) I found myself in tears. I felt unworthy for so many reasons. I had let a job define my worth. A JOB! I remember praying that the Lord would bless me with a job. Any job. I was willing to settle. Looking back, I wonder where I would be if He had of answered that prayer. Definitely not here...
Where is here? Here is finding out who I am. Here is finding out what makes me happy. Here is being able to spend more time with my son. Here is not having to sacrifice my health, sanity, faith, or life for a job.

Soon after losing my job, I was given the opportunity to be able to work with children. I was nervous. Actually, that's an understatement. That opportunity turned into a huge blessing.  Over the past year I have grown so close to some amazing children, whom I feel are my own. On Monday, I start on my third degree... a teacher certificate. After 7 years of crimina justice, a lot of people think I'm crazy. But I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I know it is. I find myself missing my students, I never missed any inmates. I have a chance to change lives. I have to the chance to make an impact on a child's life (in a good way). The inmates were usually too far gone. I love being out in public and having these little munchkins run up to me with smiles and his, instead of ducking and dodging ex inmates. It feels amazing to be appreciated. It feels great to say I have a career, not a job.
Sure, I'm afraid of this new chapter. But I'm hella excited too!  I know that God will guide me and keep me, so I'm not worried. Right here. Right now. This is where I am supposed to be!

My Body.

I'm 5'2.
116 lbs.
My legs measure 31".
My stomach measures 29".

I am the girl that LOVES to take pictures but has never been comfortable in my own body.

When I was younger it was my big head and lips that made me insecure. People had always made fun of them & laughed along with them, all the while hurting inside. As I grew older it was my butt & boobs- or lack there of. In middle school and the beginning of high school I was told I had no shape. Now its my...
Well, pretty much everything. I hate my stomach. I hate that my legs rub together. I hate that I am now in a size 5 when last year I was a size 3. I hate that my hair is at an awkward phase and seems to have stopped growing. I hate that my arms jiggle. For the past month, maybe even longer, I've been in a constant struggle with myself about my body. I have been working out on/off.

But I'm still not happy.

I almost had an emotional breakdown & talked to a few friends. They gave me some really encouraging words to help me out of my funk. But it wasn't until today, while sitting on my couch (tired from running two miles), I had an "ahaa" moment...

I was watching Wendy Williams (yes I watch it sometimes), and her guest was Alyssa Milano. Alyssa was talking about her young son. Wendy asked her about her weight and if she felt pressured to lose it. Alyssa said "I was 170 lbs when I gave birth. I am 5'2, that's huge for my frame. But the moment I held my son I could have cared less about those pounds. I realized my body was made to do profound things. My stomach or body will never be the same but so what?"

I sat there glued to my seat. Oh how right she is! I gave birth to Avion over 8 years ago, my thighs spread and will probably never be back to a size 0 that I was in High School. My stomach isn't the flattest but at one point not there was a child in there. Another life! A woman's body was created for child birth. Her hips are supposed to spread.

I was made in the image of the Lord. He makes no mistakes, why think He started with me? I'll have days when I still want to put on sweats and stay in bed but then I'll also have days when I feel beautiful- inside and out.

Church Folks.

After my Grandma died in 2003 I stopped going to church for a LONG time. I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at myself. And the few times I did walk through a church door I felt the stares. I could smell the judgments (I was a young mom after all). But I wonder if any of those Christians realized they were doing more harm than helping? Then I heard this song by Lyfe Jennings and it made me realize I wasn't alone. And I could judge those Christians back BUT I'd be in the same situation as them, so I won't judge YOU know, I'll pray for you. On the other hand, I can have church at my own house, after all it's not about the buidling- it's about the soul and believe me my soul is in the Lord.

 

MADE UP MY MIND: LYFE JENNINGS

 

Lord, they really think they foolin' you, by comin' to church on Sunday...

Prayin' and layin' hands on folks.

Stompin' and jumpin' around, fakin' the Holy Ghost. 

But it's a thin line between walkin' it and talkin' it.

 

And livin' it and givin' it or just pretendin' it's alright.

And did they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes?

Lord, did they really think that by fakin' they were saved that they would get the same reward?

And Lord who they think they jivin' by singin' these songs full of glory?

Then out in the world it's a different story I'm runnin' out of people to pray for me! And I'm not tryin' to act like I'm the perfect woman

But if you speak about it, you should be about it.

Not just preach about it all day.

 

Cause if you do you run the risk of chasin' some of the most beautiful people away.

 

And it is never my intention to discourage you. 

Rather encourage you to change your life today.

So that maybe thy will, will be done On Earth as it is in Heaven.
&& hopefully they will see How much they really be discouragin' a little old sinner like me. 

Im not sure....

It's 12:52, I pull into my apartments and it hits me how "uncertain" I am. I wouldn't call it depression... Much more of uncertainty. I just spent the last 4 hours away and I smiled, laughed, giggled, joked... Pretty much the happiest I've been in awhile. Yet I turn my turning signal on towards the apartments and it hits me how unhappy I am....
Its time to fix that! I should not feel this way to a place I pay half of the rent. Neither should I keep pretending as if I am happy. A change is gonna come. Soon. And very soon.
No more feeling as if I am "begging". What's meant to be will be and what's not won't ever be. If its in His will, I'll have it. If its not, I won't. Simple. As. That.
Confession: I tend to allow people to stay in my life more than they deserve due to me not wanting other people to judge me. Honestly, screw you! Only God can judge me. Why should I suffer for your lack of maturity?! She can have it. Lord knows I can do bad by myself! Adios.

Before the Ring

Everyone keeps asking me about marriage. On one hand I think I may be ready, on the other I am not so sure. Of course, I want to. What girl doesn't?! In fact, I have pretty much planned it out. During a recent conversation with my pastor, he asked me if I have heard about the book Before the Ring. He told me to go get it. We were talking about my current relationship situation (whatever that is). It got me thinking...

When you get married, "two become one". I know what I want and I know what I won't settle for- which is why I am not married now. I have a few fears...
(1) becoming fat- but that's another blog (sooner rather than later).
(2) being a horrible mother (who's kid is just as horrible)
(3) marrying someone who doesn't take my kid as their own...

You see, I am a packaged deal. When I marry someone I want it to be FOREVER. So it was to be right. Like Bible right. When we get married will Avion be introduced as a son or a step-son, there's a difference! Will he be "my son" or "our son". What happens if I have another child by my husband, will Avi be treated differently? Will I resent that second child because my husband cares more for his biological child rather than the child he gained by marriage? REAL QUESTIONS!

I also like to know things. No so much as being controlling or noisy BUT I do expect my husband to be able to tell me where he is going, as well as me telling him. I expect us to have a great sense of communication- because that is key in any relationship, especially a marriage.

I don't think I could ever be a stay at home mom. I am easily bored. Not to mention that I have a huge problem depending on people. One thing I fear most about marriage is becoming too dependent on my husband. What if he leaves? What happens then?

Another thing my pastor said during our conversation is that I have to get over my insecurities. I have to learn to let go of the past hurt and pain. I need to learn to open up and share my feelings. <-- None of those things come natural to me. My guard is always up. I don't like letting people in (because I am afraid that I'll get hurt). Even the Bible says "Above all else guard your heart".

I am slowly learning that it is okay to let someone in. It's okay if I let go of all of the past hurts- they are only bringing me down. Just because someone hurt me in the past doesn't mean that people in my future will do the same- even if I do get hurt again, it's okay! It's only prepping me to become an amazing wife, right?!