A Ram in The Bush

Last night I had a "come to Jesus". I told Him that I was tired. TIRED. Tired of everything. Tired of stress. Tired of worry. Tired of bills. Tired of struggles. Tired of obstacles. Then something amazing happened. Avion shifted in his sleep and it reminded me of my purpose. 

I laid there in tears because I had no idea how I was going to tell that kid, MY KID, that his mom couldn't afford for him to go to state with the rest of his football team. Sure, he'd understand. He always had, he always will. That's the thing about Avi, he has a good heart and an old soul. I constantly feel like I am letting him down and he constantly reminds me that "it's alright". But last night I was tired. Tired of letting that amazing young man down. Why should he suffer because his mom lives paycheck to paycheck? I told him countless times to go out their on that field and give it his all and his team would make it to state. They did. Now how could I tell him he could't go? How was that fair? So I prayed. I prayed hard. Harder than I have in awhile. 

The devil was working hard on me and my spirit but I asked the Lord to give me strength to fight back. I cried out to the Lord and told Him I know I can't do this on my own. I have no clue what I am doing. Being a single mom is hard work and I cannot fathom why He thought I was the right candidate for the job. Why on earth would God give me this remarkable kid to take care of without the means to actually do so? 

Then God showed me my strengths. Next month Avion will 10. He's had an amazing 10 years of life so far. He gets to go on a summer vacation each year. He's flew on a plane to Vegas. He's been to Mississippi and Florida countless times. He's had a great birthday each year and five days later a greater Christmas. He's plays soccer, football, and basketball. He's a straight A student and E in conduct. He has clothes on his back, shoes on his feet, and he's never went without food. He knows Jesus and we worship together.

God opened my eyes to all of that to show me that even though I feel like I am constantly failing my son, I haven't yet and that I never will. So what, I have to scrape up money for him to be able to participate in things- I still get the job done. God has always allowed me to provide for my son. Always. I don't have to worry because God always makes a way out of no way.

And that was my "ram in the bush". 

"it's not about the money, money, money..."

This morning a student's parent texted me thanking me for all I've done for their child. He said that I was a blessing to have around because his child looked up to me, felt "safe" with me, and knew I was there to calm him down no matter what.

That made me feel all warm & fuzzy! 

When I enrolled in college I had decided on teaching, then I changed my to criminal justice. For six years I lived, breathed, ate, slept the justice system. Then I got a chance to work with kids and realized that it was what my heart wanted. Teaching isn't for everyone. I hear people say all the time "I don't have patience for kids" or "I couldn't spend all day in a classroom with students". But I can. It comes naturally. One doesn't teach for money- there's no money in it. So if you're looking to get rich- don't teach! There's something buried inside every teacher that makes them stay up to midnight grading papers. That same thing makes them want to pull their hair out because they've taught little Billy eight different ways and he still doesn't 'get it'. It's that same thing that you see in that teacher's eye at the end of the school year when it finally clicks in Billy. Its' that same thing that those 67's they were inputting in the computer turn into 80's and 90's. That same thing that years later Billy comes back and shows that teacher a picture of his family and tells the teacher because of her he didn't give up.

There's no price tag for that.

None.

I have spent a ton of money on students and I will continue doing it. For those 8 hours your child is in school, they belong to that teacher. You rarely hear a teacher say "my students", it's normally "my children". 

It took me a little over six years to hear that little voice inside of me whispering "you were born to teach". Don't get me wrong, I love criminal justice, I still read my law books "for fun". I love shows like Law & Order. But at the end of the day nothing makes my heart feel like it does when I see a frown on a student's face turn into a smile. That first year working part-time at a school a little girl was sitting next to me and said "Ms. McCurdy I really like you a lot, I wish you were my real teacher. You should be a teacher." I smiled at her and thought "I should, shouldn't I?"

Heaven is for Real... For Real.

A week ago my pastor's wife asked me if I had ever read the book "Heaven is For Real". I told her I had seen the movie but never read the book. She handed me the book and told me I had to read it. She then went on to explain there was a "catch". Once I was done with the book I had to pass it on to someone else, as a saint challenge. I just finished the book. One word: amazing! The movie didn't do this book justice. Some parts of this book gave me chills. It opened up my eyes to a lot of questions that I've always had. I've believed in God for as long as I can remember. As I have grown older my faith "intensified", or so I thought, until I read this book. 

In the book after Colton had his experience he constantly told his parents about his experience in heaven. He was matter-of-fact with each revelation. How awesome is to know that there is Someone greater than us who already has our lives planned. A wonderful life if we just accept Him. Go to Him dirty and let him cleanse us? One part of the story a rainbow appears in the sky. Colton's parents call him outside to see it and he says "cool, I prayed for it last night". WOW! He prayed for it and got it. The Bible tell us that we have not because we ask not. So why would we not ask God for something, believe He'll give it and don't think twice or worry about it? 

I just told God that I wanted a God fearing husband to complete our family. Instead of going out to look for him, I will let God answer that prayer. I believe that He will send him to me. I can't wait!

When we are younger we tell our parents we are hungry and expect them to feed us, without worry. We ask for things we want, without worry. We went to sleep and woke up, without worries. We went throughout our day- without one single worry. Why is as we grow older and our faith grows we lose that worry free faith? Child-like faith. If you haven't read this book I highly suggest you go get it. savor it. The one I read has a guide at the back that I want to devour, however I am passing the book a long to one of the ladies in my class who told me a story of child almost dying while she was driving home one night. She had to stop her car and pull over giving him cpr in the backseat while his little body turned purple and cold. It brought tears to my eyes. Lucky for her, her son recovered. Three weeks later I was given this book to read and pass along... That's God for sure! 

I'm going to buy the book for myself, as well as for my son so we can read it together and both learn to have (and keep) that unwavering child like faith in the Lord.

Vulnerability

One of the main reasons why relationships don't last these days is because we're too afraid to be be vulnerable with our significant others. Men are too afraid to show affection and love. Women are too busy trying to show their independence...

I was once (still am) the latter. I have this sense of pride that doesn't always allow me to ask for help when I actually need it. I want a man to know that I don't need him. That I can get by just fine without him. It finally hit me that a man wants to feel needed, as do I. I've always been too afraid to be open with people. So here's my vulnerable side because maybe, just maybe the man that's going to give me his last name will stumble upon this blog and read this post...

• I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously. Those first few minutes before my eyes adjust after the lights go out are the worse (for me). And when I'm in the bathroom and turn the lights off before I open the door, I panic (because I think of "Bloody Mary").
• When something is funny, really funny, to me and I laugh hard, really hard, I fart (gasp). 
• I hate chocolate but I love white chocolate.
• I hate being outdoors because I don't like to smell like "outside" when I come in... however before I die I want to have a romantic picnic under the stars- possibly on the back of a tailgate.
• I like watching people sleep.
• I'm afraid of failure. I think the world will stop and point.
• I'm afraid that when I'm walking down the aisle on my wedding day that I'll fall and the back of my dress will rip.
• I have always wanted to run into a guy's arm and have him pick me up then spin me around.
• I want to sing duets with my future hubby on the highway.
• I want to take goofy family photos.
• I want to paint every room in my house a different colors.
• I want to live in the country. With horses. And a pig. Maybe a sheep.
• I fall in love quickly- but I hardly ever say it.
• I like to be held at night- even when I say I don't. And there will be LOTS of times I say I don't want to be held. Hold me anyway.
• When I have a bad day I take a long shower and cry. Hard. Like really hard- snotty nose and all.
• I say I don't want more kids but truth is, I'm afraid that this disease (IC/Endo) will take over my life and I won't be able to... so I try to convince myself that I don't want them.
• I used to force myself to throw up. No one ever figured it out. I even wrote a book about it. No one ever read it.
• After I retire from teaching, I want to open up my own restaurant.
• My favorite color is pink. And green. And teal. And brown but only in the fall.
• My undies have to match my shirt or pants.
• Blood makes me queasy.
• I want my future husband to leave me sticky notes in random places. 
• I want to learn how to tie ties so that I can tie them for my husband.
• I'm afraid of death- not because of where I will go but because I'll be leaving Avion without a parent.
• But the biggest thing is that I'm afraid that I don't have a soulmate... so the majority of those things won't ever happen....

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

I'm taking another break from Facebook. I honestly think that God is trying to speak to me but the "noise" from Facebook is overpowering my stillness. Yesterday He said "I help those who help themselves, so should you". So I'm stepping back from those that I am constantly helping or putting effort into and getting NOTHING in return. Either they will miss me and put forth  the effort or I'll realize they were just another "season."

This morning I was in my closet grabbing shoes, looked up and seen a note I wrote (and taped) to the closet wall. It's more of a list of qualities I want in a husband. This has been hanging up for quite a while and never had it gotten my attention like it did this morning. I believe it was once again God speaking to me. You see, last night I laid down and began praying. I prayed for my family and friends. I thanked God for my blessings, asked for His forgiveness for my sins. I told him I wanted to be a better person for myself, for Him, for Avi, for my family, for my friends, for my Boaz-worthy future husband (if you don't know Boaz, go read the book of Ruth in the Bible). Then I paused asked God if there was something wrong with me. I contemplated settling for him and his happiness so that I wouldn't have to be lonely. So that I'd have someone to talk to each night before bed, someone to text me "good morning" or "just thinking about you, have a nice day". Why can't I just have "it" for once...

Rewind to this morning, as I am reaching for shoes on my shoe rack, and I see the "Hubby List". God was saying "Why should you settle for anything less than what is on this list?" I thought why in the HECK am I praying for a man who doesn't love me when I could be using that prayer for something else?! After all, the Bible CLEARLY says in Genesis 1:27 that I was made in the image of HIM!!! At the beginning of His Word, He says that (and repeats it). I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that guy, those guys, or him... they are absolutely made for someone else- just not me.

I can't be unequally yoked with a man simply because I am lonely.  What kind of life would that be? True, I wouldn't be lonely, but would I be happy? Absolutely not. Maybe for a while but later down the road would I find myself waiting for the kids to go off to college so that I can leave that man I decided to start a family with knowing we were a match from hell?

Do I like being single? Nope. Not. At. All. I HATE IT! What? You thought I was going to say "oh yes, absolutely love my freedom of being single." Well then that'd be a lie and this honesty blog would be pointless. I once read somewhere that you should love someone so much that they feel free. So if you're with someone and you don't feel free- LEAVE. No, that's not giving you permission to go cheat (you should leave if you want to cheat) but you shouldn't feel tied down in your relationship. You should be able to hang with friends (and he with his) yet come back together at the end of the day/night and be at peace in their arms. I didn't feel like that in my last relationship (that's a later blog post).

So what is it that I want in man? Let me just tell you!

• GOD FEARING
• Goes to church (with us- his family)
• Prays WITH me and FOR me.
• FAMILY ORIENTED
• Puts nothing/no one before us (besides God, of course)
• Treats Avi as his own (or deal is o-f-f!!!)
• Makes time for us
•  at least one day/night a week
• Wants to get married
• not like tomorrow, or next year, but it has to be a goal for him.
• Wants children
• even if adopted (since I may not be able to birth more)
• PRIORITIES
• Has a degree
• or is working towards one
• eager for education
• Own car
• Doesn't have to be fancy...
• Own place to live
• No you can NOT move in with me!
• Pays own bills
• If your mom is paying your bills, what can you do for me? The bible says a MAN leads his household- not a man's mom!
• EXTRAS
• Always has to kiss me goodnight
• No going to bed mad.
• Always tells/shows he loves me DAILY.
• Compliments me on a regular basis.
• Yes, I know my worth but it's nice to feel wanted :)
• Checks to see how my day is going
• Phone call or text
• Goes to my doctor's appointments with me
• Nothing worse than sitting in a cold exam room alone in tears
• NEVER GIVES UP ON ME. NEVER EVER!
• Love me when it hurts, that's when I need it the most!

I don't think these things are too much to ask for. I am willing to put in 100% to someone who is willing to do the same. When I love, I love hard. It's for real. It's pure. It's genuine. I expect that same love in return. Period. I can't settle. I won't settle. My Boaz is somewhere in this world being prepped by God specifically for me and the thought of that will get me through these lonely times.

...and the one good thing about this single life? It's easy for my oath of celibacy! 

I need You now Lord

School started back this week- work and college classes.

It's been hard. Really hard. 

I've had to adjust to not having as much help IN the household as I have for the past few years. I spent the past few nights laying in my bed- in tears. Needless to say when Wednesday arrived I NEEDED TO GET TO CHURCH BECAUSE I NEEDED THE SPIRIT! When I got there I had a one-on-one session with my pastor. He is amazing! One of the first questions he asked was why it was so hard to trust people. My answer was simple (or so I thought), I said "because everyone has always let me down when I needed them the most... why trust?". Good answer LaRonnica.

WRONG!!!

Pastor came back with "So you mean to tell me EVERYONE in this world has betrayed you?" He waited for me to answer. (insert my confused look here) He went on to tell me that I'm building walls that are blocking blessings from God. For all I know God has sent someone (not necessarily relationship-wise) to help me but because I'm so hell-bent on hurts from the past that I'm missing out. Pastor explained to me that I have to let go of my past. If someone hurt me, call them out on it. Tell them how it made me feel. But don't hold the next person accountable for something they haven't done. I told him I automatically expected people to hurt me, that's life- right?! No, it isn't. He said some people, Godly people, will do for you and not expect something in return- EVER. They will do for you and won't throw it back in your face (ie: "remember that time that I did _____ for you?"). There is not one doubt in my mind that I have trust issues. And that's something that I am working on- slowly but surely. However, some people that I thought should have never let me down, did. Pastor told me to hold them accountable for that but at the same time I should stop expecting Christian values from a person who doesn't have Christ on their inside. WOW!

Which leads Pastor to his next question... how am I at forgiveness. I told him that I was getting better at it (and I am). Old me would have written you off and not thought twice about it. FOR REAL. Friends. Family. No one got a pass. You hurt me? You're dead to me. Period. I spent almost 5 years mad at biological father for something that he probably didn't even know I was hurting over- until I wrote him a 4 page letter and poured it all out. Now we are slowly building a relationship back and I can't thank God enough for that. My dad is now quoting bible verses to me, which NEVER happened before. I started praying for his soul, for his spirit- and I think that God is definitely working on that. I have forgiven people that I had grudges for and although our relationships aren't like how they used to be, I don't "hate" them. Love the sinner- hate the sin. So of course, I was feeling good with my answer at this point.... until Pastor asked me how I was at forgiving myself....

And that's when II felt the tears coming. I had to blink and scrunch up my face. I don't think anyone had ever asked me that so I was forced to think about it. REALLY THINK. The longer I though about it, the more I realized the one person I was the most upset at was me. Little ole' me. In fact I was angry at myself. I was pissed. This wasn't the life I planned for myself 15 years ago. How in the hell did I get here?! I told Pastor that I would NEVER question God but I was angry because I feel like I'm a good person, so why was all of this hardship upon me? He said "because you made a mistake, you got side tracked. You did it. But you didn't stay messed up. The Spirit convicted you because you knew better, so now you're doing better..." I told Pastor that I was still mad. I have a kid, who's biological father walked out and when he was ready to "come back" Avion didn't want anything to do with him. My son picked up a picture of him and had absolutely NO CLUE who he was. I laughed about it but deep down it hurt. Every day is a struggle. I worry. I stress. And my son doesn't deserve to suffer because of mistakes I made/make. I went on to tell Pastor that I was upset that I'm in still in school and not in a career. I'm upset that I have had one failed relationship after another, when there are people younger than me who are already married. I can't even get my kid a dog because our apartments doesn't allow animals. Where's my house with the big backyard that Avi can run around in with man's best friend? Where's my prince charming who won't give up on me when it gets to hard? Why am I living paycheck to paycheck? Why am I not where I want to be????? 

Pastor smiled and said "You are where God wants you to be!" Every struggle has made and will make you a stronger person. In the end you'll look back and say 'oooh, that's why I had to go through ____.' He told me it was time to forgive myself. Tell LaRonnica that she messed up. Forgive LaRonnica. Move on! Pastor told me there was nothing wrong with me having standards and not settling. The problem arises when I compromise. AND I'M NOT WILLING TO COMPROMISE MY CHRISTIANITY FOR ANYONE. I have to believe, really believe, that God will send me an equally yoked partner who will want the same things I want. Who will treat Avion as his own. Who will love God so much that it radiates from his soul. Who will love me the way Jesus loved the church (after all, Jesus did die for us).Who will push me to do better in all aspects of my life. 

I told Pastor that it's hard for me to believe in those things. It's hard for me not to be mad at me. I have faith, don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I know I CANNOT do this alone, I NEED HIM! Pastor told me that I have to take self out of it- completely out of it. There's no doubt that the spirit is IN me, but am I letting Him work THROUGH me. When people look at me do they always see Christ? Probably not because when things get hard I get down and that's when the devil gets happy. I have too much life inside of me to give the devil that joy. 

Not anymore. 

The devil can't have my peace. 

This world can't take my joy. 

Lord,                                                                                                                          8/28/2014

Today I am turning over a new leaf. I am coming to you as I am. Filthy. I know You accept me that way and You will wash me & make me clean. There may be times when I backslide but Father give me the wisdom to come to You for forgiveness and know that You will forgive me and will never bring it up again. Give me the strength to forgive myself as well. Help me to stop beating myself up over things of the past. Help me break down these walls, especially the ones around my heart, so that I can stop blocking blessings You send. Father I am sorry if I ever doubted You. It won't happen again. Lord I love You and I need You. I have not because I ask not- so Lord I ask all of these things in Your son Jesus name!

Your daughter,

LaRonnica McCurdy

Celibacy

Its been awhile... Let's play catch up.

Summers almost over and it's been one hell of a summer. The one person I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life with is no longer in my life. It was hard at first, because we were friends before the relationship- so I lost a love and a friend. But if the past three months have taught me anything, its thatmans rejection is God's protection. He won't take anything away without blessing you with something better. Although I can't see them I KNOW my blessings are on the way!

After all of that you'd think I'd be bitter, but I'm not. Actually I've learned a lot about LaRonnica. First, (and this may be too "raw" for some) is that I tend to use my body to keep unnecessary people in my life. No need to go into detail, I think you get the picture. I feel like maybe if I sacrifice this, I'll get that. Maybe if I give him this he'll give me his heart. Did it work? No. It left me feeling empty afterwards. I also learned that I fall too easily. I allow people to stick around who should have been gone a long time ago. I move mountains for people who wouldn't throw a rock for me.  I will cross an ocean for people who wouldn't splash in a puddle for me. I gave and I gave and what did I get in return? A broken heart and empty promises...

At my lowest point I reached out to God and although I had no words in the beginning I cried. And like most fathers who see their children crying he comforted me. As the tears flowed so did my words. I told Him my problems. I told Him my fears. I confessed my sins and I apologized. He forgave me. He won't bring it back again!

I asked Him to prepare my heart, soul, and body for my forever love. How can He do that if I'm freely giving it away to someone who doesn't deserve it? Thus, my celibacy was born (gasp). I asked God to take me take self out of it because the flesh is weak. I asked Him to help me lose myself in Him so that when my Boaz comes along he will have to seek God in order to find my heart. That could be next week, next year, or ten years from now- however I'm willing to wait so that God can prepare me for that man and vice versa. Just the thought of a God fearing man (made especially for me) being out there gives me hope.