Psalm 138:8 ensures me that the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me. But I will be the first one to admit when things get rough it's hard for me to remember that. I begin to question my purpose. In fact, I'm in a season of my life where I am unsure of so many things. When I started this blog I said I'd be completely with those that read it. So here's some brutal honesty...
For the past two years I've struggled with depression, pretty much silently- except for my doctor knowing. It wasn't until recently that I began sharing it with close friends. The depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide ran across my mind. It was hard to comprehend the things going on in my life. It was tough to know that I was trying SO HARD to be a part of God's program yet so much bad was happening. I stepped out of so many comfort zones. I became a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud! I began helping on the culinary committee at our church. I became the announcement clerk.
YET STILL SO MUCH BAD IS COMING MY WAY.
I mean, I would be perfectly fine throughout the day. Smiling and making small talk with others. But when night came and I was all alone in my bed those thoughts would creep in.
"You're a failure".
"You're a bad mom."
"You're almost 30 and still single."
"Who would want to marry you anyway".
"You're clothes don't fit, lose weight."
"Still haven't graduated, what's talking so long?"
The list goes on. Sometimes I would start saying my favorite scriptures, other times I would begin to pray (and cry) out loud. However there were those times when the devil would get so loud that my prayer would be for the Lord to take me at that very moment. As shocking as that may be for some of you to read, it's how some depressed people are. We have the ability to hold it together in front of people but it's an act. My depression reminded me of my endo. It's there, no one can see the scars because they're internal BUT THEY ARE REAL. And it hurts. A lot.
I asked the Lord to take away those things and people that were distracting me from Him. Some of the things/people He has taken hurt. Some were unexpected. I felt embarrassed at some of the things. "What would people say?" "What would they think?" Here I am, paying almost $600 ($700, if you count the gas) a month for a car that I don't really like but others think is cool and compliment me for driving. Really? Missing out on things because the car note is outrageous. Not always paying my tithes and offerings because I needed that money for gas. Yeah, it's safe to say that the Lord truly humbled me. What profits a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?
I'm the only one of my friends without a boyfriend or a husband. Lately, I have found myself wondering why. Sometimes I wonder why God hasn't allowed a guy to fall in love with me- and that hurts. I look around, seeing how so many women mistreat the father's of their child(ren) yet that man will remain so faithful to her. I wonder why I am left to raise my son on my own? There's a lot that I can't teach him, so why hasn't God sent me a husband and Avion a father? I'm realizing that I have to process these feelings through the filter of God’s love not through the broken pieces of my heart. When I process things through the broken pieces, often the outcome is, "If God loves me so much, why would He allow this happen to me?" But when I process it through the filter of the absolute assurance of God’s love, the outcome is, "God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen."
Over the past week, I could feel the depression creeping back in. And since I'm being honest, it made me question my purpose once again. Last night I laid in bed praying that the Lord would reveal the purpose for my current season and circumstances. I wanted to know why things were happening to me when I am trying so hard to be on the right path? Pastor A once said "the devil comes after you when you're trying to get out of sin, not when you're living in it. So you have to make sure that you stay clothed in His armor." Truth is, I wasn't. If I was then there would be nothing that the devil could throw my way and make me feel so depressed and unworthy. There is nothing that I could ever do or say to make the Lord love me any more or any less.
Last night was rough for me. I was texting a friend, telling I was ready to give up. Although the tears that normally come didn't fall, the feeling of emptiness was there. This morning on my way to work I began to talk to the Lord. The one thing that kept popping into my head was "Have you considered my servant Job?" It's what the Lord asked Satan in Job 1:8. Satan wanted to destroy someone who served God to show that once all the good was removed that person would turn away from the Lord. In Job 2:9 his wife asks him if he's still remaining faithful to the Lord, then she says "Curse God and die." But Job didn't. He held on. In Job 42:12 the Bible says that the Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life. Because he kept his faith, Job was rewarded with more than he had before the devil stepped in.
When I made it to work a co-worker came into my classroom and gave me a gift. It's a devotional for for women and how to make a battle plan for prayer. I NEEDED THAT. TODAY. AT THAT MOMENT. A student came in and said "Ms. McCurdy, quiz me on my time tables. I can say them in under two minutes." And he did. And I celebrated with him. We jumped up and down and high-fived. If the Lord had taken me either of those times that I asked him then I wouldn't be able to enjoy that moment with my student. I wouldn't have been able to feel like my purpose was being fulfilled. Isaiah 55:8-9, "‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’" This season isn't for me to understand, but instead to walk through with my head held high knowing the the Lord will provide. Because He always does. ALWAYS.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
Invisible Pain
What is endometriosis? What about interstitial cystitis? Those are questions I'm often asked when people wonder what's wrong with me. What are they to me? Well...
Its smiles to hide pain.
Its bloating.
Its "how far along are you?"
Its tears.
Its wacky hormones.
Its "these damn pants don't fit."
Its laying in bed.
Its exhaustion.
It's an invisible disease that no one believes unless they are going through it themselves or knows someone who is. It's not a woman being lazy or crazy. She's not "just on her period". There is no cure. NONE. Hystorectomys aren't the answer. Removing ovaries doesn't solve the problem.
Its smiles to hide pain.
Its bloating.
Its "how far along are you?"
Its tears.
Its wacky hormones.
Its "these damn pants don't fit."
Its laying in bed.
Its exhaustion.
Its cranberry juice and water.
Its hormone therapy.
Its hormone therapy.
Its spice-less food.
Its going to the bathroom constantly.
Its morning pep talks to get out of bed.
Its being out of "spoons" before noon.
Its like walking around in labor.
Its stop-what-your're-doing contraction like pain.
Its "there's a chainsaw in my vagina."
Its middle of the night sweats.
Its being 28 years old having menopause like symptoms.
Its wondering if you'll have children again.
Its unbearable periods that feel like death.
Its like tiny people living on your insides constantly at war.
Its praying for the pain to subside so you can fall asleep.
Its heating-pads and pain pills.
Its walking around like your uterus is about to fall out.
Its going to the bathroom constantly.
Its morning pep talks to get out of bed.
Its being out of "spoons" before noon.
Its like walking around in labor.
Its stop-what-your're-doing contraction like pain.
Its "there's a chainsaw in my vagina."
Its middle of the night sweats.
Its being 28 years old having menopause like symptoms.
Its wondering if you'll have children again.
Its unbearable periods that feel like death.
Its like tiny people living on your insides constantly at war.
Its praying for the pain to subside so you can fall asleep.
Its heating-pads and pain pills.
Its walking around like your uterus is about to fall out.
Its the fetal position.
Its nausea.
Its nausea.
Its praying for a cure.
Its UTI after UTI.
Its being poked with needles.
It's biopsy after biopsy.
Its "pee in this cup so I can check your bladder and kidneys."
Its "does it hurt when I push here?"
Its sitting in the shower crying so that others can't see or hear.
Its walking with a limp.
Its stretchy pants and big shirts.
Its UTI after UTI.
Its being poked with needles.
It's biopsy after biopsy.
Its "pee in this cup so I can check your bladder and kidneys."
Its "does it hurt when I push here?"
Its sitting in the shower crying so that others can't see or hear.
Its walking with a limp.
Its stretchy pants and big shirts.
Its life-changing.
Its life-altering.
Its life-altering.
It's an invisible disease that no one believes unless they are going through it themselves or knows someone who is. It's not a woman being lazy or crazy. She's not "just on her period". There is no cure. NONE. Hystorectomys aren't the answer. Removing ovaries doesn't solve the problem.
Monday, September 28, 2015
A Letter To My Son
Dear son,
I wish that I could say I know how you feel but the truth is I don't. I don't know how it feels to not have that fatherly bond because I'v been blessed with two of them. I'm a woman, so there is a lot that I can never teach you, like how to stand up and pee (that was a question for Poppa). I can tell you about the birds and the bees but there will be questions that I still cannot answer. I won't know how it feels when you have your first broken heart because of some silly girl.
But I am your mother. I carried you inside of me for 9 months (eh, more like 8, you decided you were done baking a month early). I felt you live on my inside and now I watch live on my outside. I watched you pee on the side of the toilet cause neither of knew how to aim. I've waited in front of doors so that you would learn to to open them for women. I have given you stern looks when you burp so that you say excuse me afterwards. I've made you sit out on the sidelines of games for not doing your school work, not to embarrass you but to build character.
I'm here. I will always be here. I will laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny or the ones I don't understand. I will be your number one fan, and even when you don't win, you'll always be my MVP. When your heart breaks because of that silly girl I'll be there to make your favorite meal. When you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them (or Google, cause that's what we do best).
His absence is not a bad thing. He is not a bad person. You are not a bad child. The Lord had these plans for each our lives before we were even born. I won't allow you to let this dim your light because of this pain. You are wanted. You are loved. You were born for a reason. For a purpose. You have a destiny that is so much greater than this moment of your life. Cry if you must, that's what my shoulder is for. That's why they made Kleenex. But despite your current circumstances- refuse to sink, my son, refuse to sink!
Allow these insecurities about not knowing him motivate you. Push yourself harder. Push yourself to accomplish goals despite of his absence. You asked me if I thought you could be POTUS, when I said yes- I meant it. Work for that. Mama wants to know what it's like to walk the halls of The White House. Continue to make good grades and excel in sports. He may never make it to a game but I will always be there to cheer you and embarrass you from the sideline. Sometimes we expect things from people that they don't to give. Let his absence go and allow yourself to grow.
Love,
Mama
I wish that I could say I know how you feel but the truth is I don't. I don't know how it feels to not have that fatherly bond because I'v been blessed with two of them. I'm a woman, so there is a lot that I can never teach you, like how to stand up and pee (that was a question for Poppa). I can tell you about the birds and the bees but there will be questions that I still cannot answer. I won't know how it feels when you have your first broken heart because of some silly girl.
But I am your mother. I carried you inside of me for 9 months (eh, more like 8, you decided you were done baking a month early). I felt you live on my inside and now I watch live on my outside. I watched you pee on the side of the toilet cause neither of knew how to aim. I've waited in front of doors so that you would learn to to open them for women. I have given you stern looks when you burp so that you say excuse me afterwards. I've made you sit out on the sidelines of games for not doing your school work, not to embarrass you but to build character.
I'm here. I will always be here. I will laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny or the ones I don't understand. I will be your number one fan, and even when you don't win, you'll always be my MVP. When your heart breaks because of that silly girl I'll be there to make your favorite meal. When you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them (or Google, cause that's what we do best).
His absence is not a bad thing. He is not a bad person. You are not a bad child. The Lord had these plans for each our lives before we were even born. I won't allow you to let this dim your light because of this pain. You are wanted. You are loved. You were born for a reason. For a purpose. You have a destiny that is so much greater than this moment of your life. Cry if you must, that's what my shoulder is for. That's why they made Kleenex. But despite your current circumstances- refuse to sink, my son, refuse to sink!
Allow these insecurities about not knowing him motivate you. Push yourself harder. Push yourself to accomplish goals despite of his absence. You asked me if I thought you could be POTUS, when I said yes- I meant it. Work for that. Mama wants to know what it's like to walk the halls of The White House. Continue to make good grades and excel in sports. He may never make it to a game but I will always be there to cheer you and embarrass you from the sideline. Sometimes we expect things from people that they don't to give. Let his absence go and allow yourself to grow.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Existing.
"To live is the most rarest thing in the world. Most people Just exist." -Oscar Wilde
Existing.
That's what I've been doing for about a month now. I feel like I'm on auto pilot, existing each day but not really living. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. REALLY MAD. For the past week getting up each morning has been a struggle. I felt like "what's the point?"
I've been afraid.
I've been stressed.
I've been sad.
I've been pissed.
Honestly, I've felt more defeated than I ever have before. I've never wanted to shout out "Okay, I quit" more than I have over the past few days. Do you know what it's like to walk around with a smile on your face just so people won't ask "what's wrong"? Do you know what it's like to fight back tears in the middle of a work day just because a simple thought crosses your mind?
I do.
For the past month I've tried to figure out ways to pay for my final semester of college. I was recently told "If I were you I'd just withdraw from classes until you're able to pay for it." Ironically, how am I ever supposed to be able to pay for it if the one thing holding me back from a "better job" is a degree. A degree that I am supposed to get in December... IF I pay for classes. Class that I can't afford.
Yesterday I broke. I found myself driving around town. No particular destination, just wanted to be alone. As I drove I kept saying "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I". I cried (seems to be a lot of that water stuff these days). After the water works I felt a "weight" lifted. No, there was no miraculous email that said my tuition had been paid for.
We sing a song at church that goes: "I'm looking for a miracle. I expect the impossible. I feel the intangible. I see the invisible. The sky is the limit to what I can have. Just believe and receive it, God will perform it today." If ever there was a time I looked for a miracle, it's now.
I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school, but I know God wouldn't dare bring me this far just to leave me here now. I like to write (obviously) so I wrote God a letter. I wrote down specific needs and placed it in my bible. Although I feel my faith slowly diminishing, I'm holding on tight to the promises that I read in the Bible. Promises like:
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I have not because I ask not.
Everything He made is very good.
He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me.
I can do all things through Christ (even pay for tuition).
If I didn't know God, I probably would have given up. Wait. Let me be honest. I do know God and I still was ready to give up. I had to remind myself of why I started this journey in the first place. Kids. I know that'll I'll never get rich teaching but I get the chance to make a difference and that means more to me than any dollar amount. I want to hear "Ms. McCurdy, because of you I didn't give up." I want to be able to say "The class that is graduating this year was the class I taught my first year of teaching." It's so frustrating to be THIS CLOSE yet so far away. Even now, as I type, my eyes are full of tears because I'm afraid that I will fail. And that scares the [bad word] out of me. Under that fear is a mustard sized piece of faith holding on to the promises that the Lord made me....
Monday, May 11, 2015
I want you to know...
I have never been the "bash your child's sperm donor" type, however I can only take so much. Ten years. That's how long I have raised your son. Ten years. That's how long it's been since you've seen him. Six months. That's how long it's been that I reached out to you so that A'vion could meet you- his idea, not mine. Six months. That's how long you've had excuse after excuse and never met him. 2 days. That's when you texted me around one in the morning saying you wanted to see A'vion the next day. Against my better judgment, I agreed for you to let me know when you made it to town so that y'all could meet. 24 hours. That's how much time passed without hearing a peep from you. So I texted you. There was so much I wanted to say to you. But after praying about it, all I said was that I would no longer reach out to you. When Avion turns 18 and decides that he wants to meet I will fully support him 100% but until then...
I want you know...
that you're missing out on an amazing kid.
Other than wanting to get to know you,
he didn't want shit.
I want you to know...
that it's been 10, long stressful years.
Although I wasn't ready for motherhood,
I still put aside those fears.
I want you know...
that your antics don't hurt me at all.
They hurt the child you help create,
But I'm there to catch his every fall.
I want you to know...
because of you Avi knows what disappointment is like.
& because of me he knows what unconditional love
feels like because I give it with all my might.
I want you to know...
that I don't know what it's like to not have a dad.
I was blessed with two of them,
so I can't empathize when Avi is feeling sad.
I want you to now...
that he has plenty of father figures around.
They cheer him on at his games
and help pick him up when he's down.
I want you to know...
that I'm mad as hell, no actually I'm pissed.
There's been birthdays, Christmases,
celebrations, and other milestones that you've missed.
I want you to know...
that while you're missing out on watching him grow
Avi is missing out on anything!
I just thought that you should know.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
An Open Window
Someone asked if I was afraid of new beginnings. Well, duh. I don't like "new" (unless it's a new pair of shoes- then I'm all in!). Then they said "don't stand there staring at the closed door because then you will miss the open window". And that's when it hit me. I was waiting.
Waiting for the metaphorically closed door to open.
Waiting.
But it never did.
Never.
And all this time, behind me was an open window. A window that had been open for 7+ years. Sure, I had always felt the breath of fresh air the window was giving, but it didn't stop me from thinking that once that door was open, things would be so much greater. But it never opened.
When you think about it, 7 years is a long time to wait for a person. Especially one who's stubborn and refuses to give you the love that you show them time & time again. (In case you were wondering, I'm that stubborn person.) Yet you wait. Wait for them to date other people. Wait for them to be disappointed by those other people. Wait on the sideline, picking them up each time they fall- only to have them run to someone else. Why?
In my mind, that means the person is crazy. But are they? Or am I the crazy one? Crazy for praying for that man, those men. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. I could say so many wasted prayers. But, looking back they weren't wasted- I was simply praying wrong. Yes, wrong. I was praying a generic prayer. HA! As if the God I serve was a generic God. Like He doesn't have the power to move mountains. Like He can't take cancer out of someone's body.
Recently, I began to pray bolder specific prayers. Instead of praying for that man or those men (eh, lets call them boys instead), I began to pray for my "Boaz". A man that would accept me, flaws and all. Accept my stubbornness. Accepts my high maintenance. Accepts my wish-washy attitudes. Accepts my "leave me alones, wait.. why aren't you not here for me?". Accepts LaRonnica. I told God that I didn't feel worthy of having a man like that, so then I prayed He molded me into a Proverbs 31 woman so that I could accept "Boaz" when he came along. For those who don't know about Boaz, let me explain a little... (In the book of Ruth, she (Ruth) was married to one of Naomi's sons who had had died. After traveling to Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz. He helped her and took care of her, after seeing her work in the fields. Later, he married her.)
I've always been the strong independent type, maybe a little to "proud". I have never needed nor wanted a man to take care of me- which is a downfall. But the book of Ruth taught me (in today's terms) that a strong woman can take care of herself but a good (Godly) man won't let her. He comes along at just the right time and helps her. And as a Godly woman, she accepts that he was sent to her, soley for that purpose.
So while praying these bolder prayers I realized that window was still open. And by window, I mean a guy. A guy who has been waiting for me for so long. When others would have (and did) give up, he never did. Never. I'm still praying those bold specific prayers, asking God to open not only my eyes but my heart to accept this man, if he is indeed my Boaz. You see, after being hurt people, or maybe just me, tend to build this wall. Trust me when I say I have my wall built- but somehow he found away around it or over it. Either way, he's here. And he said he wasn't going anywhere. And I'd like to take him up on that :)
Friday, March 6, 2015
Breakthrough
Over the past few weeks I have felt as if God has said this so many times to me. It's amazing how we say we trust God yet at the first sign of trouble our doubt kicks in. That's not of God. I once heard "often times when we feel like giving up our breakthrough is just around the corner, so hold on a little while longer". If I wasn't a believer of that before, I certainly am now!
Fasting from social media to get closer to God brought so many struggles and obstacles my way. I resigned from a job that had been taking so much of me from me. My doctor told me I would have to have another surgery, possibly removing an ovary. People who I thought were a friend became an enemy. It seemed like everything I thought was meant to be wasn't. That scared me. I don't like change. At. All.
At the beginning of my fast I asked God to take away everything and everyone that was pulling me away from Him. I was looking with blind eyes and now I needed to "see" again. So He did. I wasn't prepared for that but I quickly learned to welcome it. I remember laying across my bed in tears, thinking "what now?" In that moment I realized I was truly changing because it used to be "why me?"
A few days ago, a friend told me "we aren't meant to stay in one place forever". How very true? We start to get complacent at where we are but God doesn't want that. If He says "I put you there, you have fulfilled that purpose, now you must move on..." you had better learn to listen! Gather your things and go! That's faith- taking that first step, not seeing it, but believing it's there because of the amazing Lord we serve.
My time in between jobs were spent resting. Yes, resting. Before that, I felt as if I was constantly on the go. Soccer practices, basketball games, football tourneys, volunteering in the after school program, my homework, Avion's homework, night classes, honor choir, pta activities, head room mom stuff... It seemed to never end.
Ironically, right before my fast I started a book study called "breathe". So God gave me that time to breathe. At first, it was hard to "breathe" but then it got easier. After a few weeks God was ready to place me where I was needed. I was nervous at first but every person at the new school has welcomed me with open arms. My first day I was standing in the bus lane and student walked up to me and hugged me. I smiled and said "what's that for?" Her response was "everyone needs a hug, you look like you needed a big one." Everyday since she has given me that same hug.
That was the one thing I was afraid of after leaving my job. Acceptance. But it's here, all around me. I have no clue why the Lord guided me here but I accept it. I will continue to praise Him in advance for my next blessing. I don't know what it is but I know it's on the way.
I'm living proof that giving it over to God will allow blessings to overflow abundantly into your life. You, yes you, the one reading this feeling like giving up- DON'T! Each time you feel like giving up, remember all those reasons why you've held on this long. Remember those feelings you had about it in the beginning, hold on. Even when you don't understand, say "nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done, Lord." and watch your blessings pour! Don't you dare worry, your breakthrough is around the corner- all you need is faith!
Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen .
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Before I was born...
I recently asked God a question, he answered no. Or so I thought. Nevertheless I began to praise God for that no. I thought to myself, am I worthy of just blessings and not trials or tribulations. Honestly, I'm not. So many times the Bible tells us be still and know that He is Lord. He reminds us countless time that He will fight our battles for us. We just have to learn to be still.
So in my moment of stillness the Lord sent me a revelation. God said to me "before you were born, before you were even in your mother's womb, this was planned for your life. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. The situation that you're going through is not new to Me my child. Keep the faith and know that I am Lord, I am God, and God alone."
Unknowingly to myself, God had strategically place people in my life to help me when I need. To be there to listen. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be a hand to wipe away my tears. To be my voice when I am weak. To give me advice when I need it the most.
So, I realized as it never a no. He was telling me not now, be still. He was preparing me for a testimony. Those people, those darling little angels, were there to fight for me. Maybe my answer will be no in the long run. But I have confirmation of what I hoped for. I've given people hope when they have felt hopeless. I have been to that voice in the back of their mind telling them not to give up, that they can do it. I have allowed them to feel as if they are not in these situations alone. Not even trying I have said I have done exactly what I set out to do. I have inspired, I have helped, ultimately I've changed lives. Maybe I won't be place where I want to be and I'm okay with that because I know that the Lord I serve will place me where I'm supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this chapter is closing but it does not mean that this book it's over. The enemy may think that he has won this battle, and maybe he has. But I will win the war because I have the Lord on my side.
No amount of words to express how my heart feels right now. My cup literally runneth over. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the help from His people... To go above and beyond to help little ol me. Someone once told me that you get what you put into this world. In the past 24 hours, I have been shown that I have put so much into this world- not even trying. That allows me to continue to step out on faith, not being able to see that next step but knowing that is there because of the LORD, the God, our Savior that we serve.
So in my moment of stillness the Lord sent me a revelation. God said to me "before you were born, before you were even in your mother's womb, this was planned for your life. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. The situation that you're going through is not new to Me my child. Keep the faith and know that I am Lord, I am God, and God alone."
Unknowingly to myself, God had strategically place people in my life to help me when I need. To be there to listen. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be a hand to wipe away my tears. To be my voice when I am weak. To give me advice when I need it the most.
So, I realized as it never a no. He was telling me not now, be still. He was preparing me for a testimony. Those people, those darling little angels, were there to fight for me. Maybe my answer will be no in the long run. But I have confirmation of what I hoped for. I've given people hope when they have felt hopeless. I have been to that voice in the back of their mind telling them not to give up, that they can do it. I have allowed them to feel as if they are not in these situations alone. Not even trying I have said I have done exactly what I set out to do. I have inspired, I have helped, ultimately I've changed lives. Maybe I won't be place where I want to be and I'm okay with that because I know that the Lord I serve will place me where I'm supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this chapter is closing but it does not mean that this book it's over. The enemy may think that he has won this battle, and maybe he has. But I will win the war because I have the Lord on my side.
No amount of words to express how my heart feels right now. My cup literally runneth over. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the help from His people... To go above and beyond to help little ol me. Someone once told me that you get what you put into this world. In the past 24 hours, I have been shown that I have put so much into this world- not even trying. That allows me to continue to step out on faith, not being able to see that next step but knowing that is there because of the LORD, the God, our Savior that we serve.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
In THIS Season
I recently started a social media fast so that I can focus on God. I realized that I can still share my blogs via Facebook without being on there (I had a few people ask). Tomorrow I will be starting a fast- for 7 days, from 7 am to 7 pm I will have only liquids. During these hours I will seek God and try to get answers that I know only He can answer.
I'm in a season in my life that I don't understand, that I'm ready to be out of. When in reality you can't rush a season away. Sure, we celebrate Groundhog's Day where we think if he sees his shadows we may or may not have more winter. Truth is, spring will come exactly when its supposed to. The same goes for the seasons of my life...
I keep saying I'm so ready to graduate. I'm so ready to start my career. I'm so ready to get married. I'm so ready to have my dream house. I think if I could just "get there" I'd be happy. But with all those things, obstacles will still come. Yes, I'll graduate but my learning will never cease. Yes, I'll have a real career and get paid more, but then I'll have to pay more taxes. Yes, I'll get married but then I'll go from relationship problems to married problems. Yes, I'll have my dream house but I'll also have more bills.
In the past few days I've heard God tell me to be happy in the season I am in. Don't get so caught up in these small trivial things that I miss out on living. I watched a video from Liberty University with Catherine Caine as the speaker. She said when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and she went under the knife her thoughts weren't about her family or Twitter followers but did she fulfill her God given purpose. She said she wanted to know that if she was going home to be with our Lord, was she taking those that were supposed to go with her?
WOW! And here I am wondering if I'll ever find my Boaz and live happily ever after. Something's wrong with that. Actually, a lot is wrong with that. I'm not afraid to die because I know where I'm going, BUT am I taking people with me? Am I doing what God placed me here to do? Am I leading people to Christ? Because ultimately that's my job! That's your job. That's OUR JOB.
As Jesus ascended into heaven He said He was coming back again. Deny Him in front of our friends and He will deny us in front of His father. You do know that the ONLY way we can get to heaven is through then son, right? Well, if you didn't, now you do. God told us to go out into the highways and hedges. Don't take that in the literal form. But what He meant was those places you don't want to go or those people you don't want to speak to are probably the ones that need to be led the most. Yes, we should fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ who know God because we all need a spiritual uplift sometimes but that doesn't mean you can't tell that coworker about how good God has been to you.
I'm only a few days into my fast and I can tell that there's a lot I need answered. I can't put a time on it because that's not how He operates. Its not LaRonnica's will, it HIS WILL. Let me say that I'm thankful for that because I know I can't do this alone. I know that I need Him.
The first question that I have asked God is to show me my purpose for this season I'm currently in. Lord, what is that I can do in this season for the greatness of God? What can I say or do in this season that will lead another to Christ? I then asked for Him to bless me in this season. In this season of singleness, student-ness, sickness, financial help-needing-ness and everything else I'm going through, Lord show me how to be happy. Let me take the back burner so that in my struggles someone who doesn't know the Lord will seek Him and try Him.
I'm in a season in my life that I don't understand, that I'm ready to be out of. When in reality you can't rush a season away. Sure, we celebrate Groundhog's Day where we think if he sees his shadows we may or may not have more winter. Truth is, spring will come exactly when its supposed to. The same goes for the seasons of my life...
I keep saying I'm so ready to graduate. I'm so ready to start my career. I'm so ready to get married. I'm so ready to have my dream house. I think if I could just "get there" I'd be happy. But with all those things, obstacles will still come. Yes, I'll graduate but my learning will never cease. Yes, I'll have a real career and get paid more, but then I'll have to pay more taxes. Yes, I'll get married but then I'll go from relationship problems to married problems. Yes, I'll have my dream house but I'll also have more bills.
In the past few days I've heard God tell me to be happy in the season I am in. Don't get so caught up in these small trivial things that I miss out on living. I watched a video from Liberty University with Catherine Caine as the speaker. She said when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and she went under the knife her thoughts weren't about her family or Twitter followers but did she fulfill her God given purpose. She said she wanted to know that if she was going home to be with our Lord, was she taking those that were supposed to go with her?
WOW! And here I am wondering if I'll ever find my Boaz and live happily ever after. Something's wrong with that. Actually, a lot is wrong with that. I'm not afraid to die because I know where I'm going, BUT am I taking people with me? Am I doing what God placed me here to do? Am I leading people to Christ? Because ultimately that's my job! That's your job. That's OUR JOB.
As Jesus ascended into heaven He said He was coming back again. Deny Him in front of our friends and He will deny us in front of His father. You do know that the ONLY way we can get to heaven is through then son, right? Well, if you didn't, now you do. God told us to go out into the highways and hedges. Don't take that in the literal form. But what He meant was those places you don't want to go or those people you don't want to speak to are probably the ones that need to be led the most. Yes, we should fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ who know God because we all need a spiritual uplift sometimes but that doesn't mean you can't tell that coworker about how good God has been to you.
I'm only a few days into my fast and I can tell that there's a lot I need answered. I can't put a time on it because that's not how He operates. Its not LaRonnica's will, it HIS WILL. Let me say that I'm thankful for that because I know I can't do this alone. I know that I need Him.
The first question that I have asked God is to show me my purpose for this season I'm currently in. Lord, what is that I can do in this season for the greatness of God? What can I say or do in this season that will lead another to Christ? I then asked for Him to bless me in this season. In this season of singleness, student-ness, sickness, financial help-needing-ness and everything else I'm going through, Lord show me how to be happy. Let me take the back burner so that in my struggles someone who doesn't know the Lord will seek Him and try Him.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Characteristics of a Good Man
I came across a blog written by Jarrid Wilson (I love his blogs!) that talked about characteristics you should want in a man. Jarrid says in this particular blog "God didn’t create you to settle." Which is something I refuse to do- especially in relationships.
Here are the 23 qualities Jarrid had in his blog (blue), with a twist from me (the pink):
1. He loves God. The Bible tells us constantly not to be unequally yoked. If I date you, it's for a purpose, hopefully marriage. So if I am choosing to spend my earthly life with you, why would I not want to spend my heavenly life with you?
2. He is driven. My drive is big, so his HAS to match. I can't carry the load for the both of us.
3. He is goal oriented. I have goals that I strive for each & everyday- so my significant other has to have goals as well. Do our goals have to match? Nope (see #5). They don't all have to be long term goals either.
4. He is chivalrous. Hold my hand. Open a door every once in a while. Leave me notes where I can find them. DATE ME!
5. He is supportive. If I decide to chop my hair off, support me, Never tell me that I am incapable of doing something. NEVER. (you'll regret it)
6. He is honest. I have a lot more respect for the truth than I do for lies. Don't try to "protect" me with a lie, I'm a big girl. I can handle it- even if it hurts.
7. He respects his parents. If you disrespect your parents, how can you respect me. I know there are certain situations but the Bible still says honor thy mother and thy father.
8. He respects your/his purity. Respect me. My thoughts. My body. My heart.
9. He shows patience. I'm hard to love at times. Be patient with me... I'm worth the wait, I promise :)
10. He puts God first. God first. Family Second. Career Third. Everything else last.
11. He is reliable. Don't tell me you will if you know you won't.
12. He is trustworthy. If I put my trust in you, don't lose it. No lies. No games.
13. He is someone you are attracted to. Beauty isn't just on the outside, I have learned to look beyond that!
14. He is always willing to help those in need. Buy the homeless man a bottle of water- it won't kill you. And maybe God will bless you later!
15. He will pray for you/with you. I want to be able to hold your hand and pray. TOGETHER. If I ask you to pray for me, just do it. No questions asked.
16. He manages his finances well. If you can't tithe but can spend $200 on tennis shoes or video games.. "Houston, we have a problem!"
17. He has a good reputation. I know everyone has a past. We change. We evolve. BUT don't let that past follow you into what we have.
18. He is willing to work hard to provide. The Bible says "if a man doesn't work, he won't eat." I'm not your mom, I won't raise you! I'm not a gold digger. We are equal.
19. He doesn’t make hasty decisions. Don't quit your job for some quick get rich scheme. Or you'll be single.
20. He doesn’t have a foul mouth. Don't ever call me out of my name. EVER. Don't ever say something you might regret- because I'll never forget. Once the words leave your mouth, no amount of "I'm sorry's" can take it back.
21. He has good manners. Say please. Say thank you. Use "yes ma'am" "no sir" when applicable. Hold open doors for others.
22. He is willing to protect you. Be my "David".
23. He is always thinking on the bright side. Be able to encourage me, especially on my bad days.
Dear Future Husband,
Do these things && we'll live happily ever after. With ups. With downs. With highs. With lows. With good. With bad. But I promise, as long as you're fighting for us, I'm staying.
Here are the 23 qualities Jarrid had in his blog (blue), with a twist from me (the pink):
1. He loves God. The Bible tells us constantly not to be unequally yoked. If I date you, it's for a purpose, hopefully marriage. So if I am choosing to spend my earthly life with you, why would I not want to spend my heavenly life with you?
2. He is driven. My drive is big, so his HAS to match. I can't carry the load for the both of us.
3. He is goal oriented. I have goals that I strive for each & everyday- so my significant other has to have goals as well. Do our goals have to match? Nope (see #5). They don't all have to be long term goals either.
4. He is chivalrous. Hold my hand. Open a door every once in a while. Leave me notes where I can find them. DATE ME!
5. He is supportive. If I decide to chop my hair off, support me, Never tell me that I am incapable of doing something. NEVER. (you'll regret it)
6. He is honest. I have a lot more respect for the truth than I do for lies. Don't try to "protect" me with a lie, I'm a big girl. I can handle it- even if it hurts.
7. He respects his parents. If you disrespect your parents, how can you respect me. I know there are certain situations but the Bible still says honor thy mother and thy father.
8. He respects your/his purity. Respect me. My thoughts. My body. My heart.
9. He shows patience. I'm hard to love at times. Be patient with me... I'm worth the wait, I promise :)
10. He puts God first. God first. Family Second. Career Third. Everything else last.
11. He is reliable. Don't tell me you will if you know you won't.
12. He is trustworthy. If I put my trust in you, don't lose it. No lies. No games.
13. He is someone you are attracted to. Beauty isn't just on the outside, I have learned to look beyond that!
14. He is always willing to help those in need. Buy the homeless man a bottle of water- it won't kill you. And maybe God will bless you later!
15. He will pray for you/with you. I want to be able to hold your hand and pray. TOGETHER. If I ask you to pray for me, just do it. No questions asked.
16. He manages his finances well. If you can't tithe but can spend $200 on tennis shoes or video games.. "Houston, we have a problem!"
17. He has a good reputation. I know everyone has a past. We change. We evolve. BUT don't let that past follow you into what we have.
18. He is willing to work hard to provide. The Bible says "if a man doesn't work, he won't eat." I'm not your mom, I won't raise you! I'm not a gold digger. We are equal.
19. He doesn’t make hasty decisions. Don't quit your job for some quick get rich scheme. Or you'll be single.
20. He doesn’t have a foul mouth. Don't ever call me out of my name. EVER. Don't ever say something you might regret- because I'll never forget. Once the words leave your mouth, no amount of "I'm sorry's" can take it back.
21. He has good manners. Say please. Say thank you. Use "yes ma'am" "no sir" when applicable. Hold open doors for others.
22. He is willing to protect you. Be my "David".
23. He is always thinking on the bright side. Be able to encourage me, especially on my bad days.
Dear Future Husband,
Do these things && we'll live happily ever after. With ups. With downs. With highs. With lows. With good. With bad. But I promise, as long as you're fighting for us, I'm staying.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Who Is She?
"Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" (Danielle LaPorte)
After I read that quote I began to ask myself that over and over. Where is that person that I used to be? Before I allowed the world to put me in categories. Before I became a "statistic". Then I marinated on this: I don’t think people love the real me.
I told myself I was bringing someone to Christ this year but little did I know that the most important person I would bring closer to Christ would be myself. How can someone else see what God can do if I don't show them. Now it's clear that all those times I wanted to die but didn't,that I had a purpose in life. 12 years ago when I stepped in front of that truck I didn't know think that I'd go through all these things that could help another person. There a reason God kept me. Now it's time for me to live up to that potential!
After I read that quote I began to ask myself that over and over. Where is that person that I used to be? Before I allowed the world to put me in categories. Before I became a "statistic". Then I marinated on this: I don’t think people love the real me.
They love versions of me I have made to fit in.
Versions of that they constructed in their own minds.
The simple versions of LaRonnica.
The easy parts of her to love.
Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying?
The girl that hated herself?
The girl that lost control?
The girl that gets so sad sometimes that she can’t get out of bed?
The girl that shuts everyone out?
Who’s going to love that monster in me, who’s going to love me now?
If you don't like honesty, I advise you to stop reading now. Some of the things that I am about to say may be "too much" for you. A few weeks ago I decided to sit down and write a book, a testimony. I didn't decide this because I wanted to be on the New York best selling list or to make money. In fact, after meditating in God's word one day He spoke to me "what good is a testimony if no one ever hears it?" He was right. I've have been through so much and I'm sure that those things can help someone. So before that book becomes a reality, let me introduce you to the real me.
My name is LaRonnica. When I was 16 my grandmother died and my life changed in ways that I could never imagine. The day after she died I woke up and ran to her house thinking it was all a dream. Every step, tears fell. Before I made it there I stepped into the middle of the street- while a truck was coming. I closed my eyes and told God to take me too. He didn't. When I made it to her house, she still wasn't alive. That night I prayed that I didn't wake up the next morning. I did.
Fast forward a few months, I give birth to my son. Not one person realized that suffered from post-partum depression. So much so that one night I decided to drive my car into the other lane. A purple truck with a gray streak on the side swerved so that it wouldn't hit me. The person driving honked but kept going. I pulled over and cried. I yelled at God "Why don't you see that I'm hurting? Why can't you just end it now? Hell has to be better than this!" He didn't take me.
I never understood why God wouldn't just let me die. I felt that my life had absolutely no purpose. After my grandma died I refused to go to church. I refused to have faith in a God that would take her away and leave me here to rot. Years passed and never once did I pray. Eventually, I got back in church.
About 9 months ago I was forced to believe in myself again. I was forced to stop questioning why me? You're never truly aware of your strengths until being strong is your only option. You don't know what it's like to stand on your own two feet until your crutches are knocked away. Over the past few months my faith has been tested in ways no one could ever imagine. Each time I was forced to hold on tighter to God. Do you know what it feels like to be in a room with people, laughing and talking but still feel extremely lonely and depressed? I do. It feels like falling off of a boat and you're going under the water, coming back up, gasping for air, then going back under. All the while there are people staring at you- not helping. At first that idea made me mad. But then I realized, that's God way of showing me how strong I am. All I had to do was stop panicking and believe, then I could make it back to the boat. Then I could tell people my testimony of how I made it.
I told myself I was bringing someone to Christ this year but little did I know that the most important person I would bring closer to Christ would be myself. How can someone else see what God can do if I don't show them. Now it's clear that all those times I wanted to die but didn't,that I had a purpose in life. 12 years ago when I stepped in front of that truck I didn't know think that I'd go through all these things that could help another person. There a reason God kept me. Now it's time for me to live up to that potential!
If I had of died that day I would have missed out of the beautiful things that God had (and has) in store for me. "The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." - Romans 8:18
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
HOLD ON JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER...
2014 is over and 2015 is here. Before I left 2014 I told myself that I would lead someone to Christ in this year. I don't plan on "changing" them- just leading them. God will do all the "cleaning" himself...
This past Sunday I sat in Sunday school listening to Sister Teacher H teaching and it seemed like everything that she was saying was meant for me. Then Pastor A began his sermon "What The Holy Spirit Does For Us (Romans 8:1-5)", again it was meant for me. I have felt sermons before but I've never FELT sermons before. Confusing, I know.
It was like the Holy Ghost was on fire inside of me. I can't explain, I just know it was an amazing feeling and I've been on a "high" every since. I felt the presence of the Lord and my Grandma Dorothy. Pastor said that what God wants more than anything is to be first in our lives. So during prayer I began to tell God that I was tired and that I needed Him- more than anything or anyone. I told Him that sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't go on. I told Him that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I told him that I wanted a peace. I told Him that I wanted to existing and start living.
Then I began to sing "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary..." I wanted my heart and soul to be so full of the Lord that people didn't have to ask- they just knew. The Lord said "I give you life and I give it to you more abundantly." So why do we not serve Him the way we should. He wakes us up day after day. He watches over us as we sleep. Yet we still don't thank Him enough. We walk into a store and the person in front of us holds the door, we say thank you. We are reaching for something on a top shelf at Walmart, the person walking by grabs it, we say thank you. So why is it so hard to thank God in EVERY situation that occurs in our life?
Here lately, I've been so focused on how my life is and its not how I want it be. On December 19th my bank account was hacked and everything was stolen hours before I was supposed to pay for my son's bday party. I sat on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. I was so mad. I yelled out "WHY? Why me Lord? Why not anyone else?" In my mind, I had had it. I was done with trying to be obedient only to get slapped in the face. I messaged my best friend and told her I was losing faith and I couldn't hold on any longer. Luckily, she knew what to say to hold me up. Not even an hour later people had bought the cupcakes for the party, sent me money for the party, got to the bowling alley, and people had paid for the party. I went outside later and there was $100 bill on my windshield saying that I had been a blessing to them so they wanted to be a blessing to me.
AIN'T HE GOOD? WON'T HE DO IT? YES HE WILL!
So many times we find ourselves questioning God and the things that happen to us. Over the past few weeks I have learned that instead of asking God why I am in a situation, I need to ask Him to shape me to be better because of that situation. I need to be able to accept the outcomes and know that it's in His will. Whatever it is God is asking me to put down, it's only because he's preparing me to pick up something even greater.
2015 will be my year. I have claimed it. John 16:24 says "Until now you have asked for nothing in my name: ask, so that your joy be made full." So I asked for things. Things that I may not get in the year 2015 but I know it's coming because the Lord can and will make a way out of no way!
What's on that list you ask? Graduation. Financial stability. A house with a huge kitchen and LOTS of counter space. Maybe even a husband :)
As for now, I am on a mission to lead people to Christ this year. Will it be you? Or you? Or all of you reading this blog, past blogs, or future blogs.
This past Sunday I sat in Sunday school listening to Sister Teacher H teaching and it seemed like everything that she was saying was meant for me. Then Pastor A began his sermon "What The Holy Spirit Does For Us (Romans 8:1-5)", again it was meant for me. I have felt sermons before but I've never FELT sermons before. Confusing, I know.
It was like the Holy Ghost was on fire inside of me. I can't explain, I just know it was an amazing feeling and I've been on a "high" every since. I felt the presence of the Lord and my Grandma Dorothy. Pastor said that what God wants more than anything is to be first in our lives. So during prayer I began to tell God that I was tired and that I needed Him- more than anything or anyone. I told Him that sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't go on. I told Him that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I told him that I wanted a peace. I told Him that I wanted to existing and start living.
Then I began to sing "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary..." I wanted my heart and soul to be so full of the Lord that people didn't have to ask- they just knew. The Lord said "I give you life and I give it to you more abundantly." So why do we not serve Him the way we should. He wakes us up day after day. He watches over us as we sleep. Yet we still don't thank Him enough. We walk into a store and the person in front of us holds the door, we say thank you. We are reaching for something on a top shelf at Walmart, the person walking by grabs it, we say thank you. So why is it so hard to thank God in EVERY situation that occurs in our life?
Here lately, I've been so focused on how my life is and its not how I want it be. On December 19th my bank account was hacked and everything was stolen hours before I was supposed to pay for my son's bday party. I sat on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. I was so mad. I yelled out "WHY? Why me Lord? Why not anyone else?" In my mind, I had had it. I was done with trying to be obedient only to get slapped in the face. I messaged my best friend and told her I was losing faith and I couldn't hold on any longer. Luckily, she knew what to say to hold me up. Not even an hour later people had bought the cupcakes for the party, sent me money for the party, got to the bowling alley, and people had paid for the party. I went outside later and there was $100 bill on my windshield saying that I had been a blessing to them so they wanted to be a blessing to me.
AIN'T HE GOOD? WON'T HE DO IT? YES HE WILL!
So many times we find ourselves questioning God and the things that happen to us. Over the past few weeks I have learned that instead of asking God why I am in a situation, I need to ask Him to shape me to be better because of that situation. I need to be able to accept the outcomes and know that it's in His will. Whatever it is God is asking me to put down, it's only because he's preparing me to pick up something even greater.
2015 will be my year. I have claimed it. John 16:24 says "Until now you have asked for nothing in my name: ask, so that your joy be made full." So I asked for things. Things that I may not get in the year 2015 but I know it's coming because the Lord can and will make a way out of no way!
What's on that list you ask? Graduation. Financial stability. A house with a huge kitchen and LOTS of counter space. Maybe even a husband :)
As for now, I am on a mission to lead people to Christ this year. Will it be you? Or you? Or all of you reading this blog, past blogs, or future blogs.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
the fault in MY stars...
Last night I seen the movie "The Fault In Our Stars". Let me just say if you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it- get your tissue ready. I bawled for AT LEAST the last 30 minutes of the movie. I won't go into details however, the movie allowed me great insight to my current situation...
One quote stood out to me the most "“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” How very true! When I first found about my diseases I grieved. Although it could have changed me, it didn't. I wanted to ask God why but my grandma Dot taught me long ago to NEVER question God's work. At that age I didn't understand- I just didn't question Him. Now that I am older I understand more. I would be lying if I din't wanted to ask God "why me" because I did want to. I wanted to know why I try each day a better person and be more Christ-like and there are people who don't try and are in "better situations" than I am. But that's here. On Earth. And earthly gain are NOTHING compared to what heavenly gains are. For you see, in my father's house their are many mansion. If it was not true, Jesus would not have said it. But He did. OH BUT HE DID!
Before I was born God knew this was the life I would live, He had it all planned out. I made a few pitstops (mistakes) I found my way back to that path. What I want may not align up with what God wants, so I don't get it. I have to learn to accept it & be okay with His plans for me.
One quote stood out to me the most "“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” How very true! When I first found about my diseases I grieved. Although it could have changed me, it didn't. I wanted to ask God why but my grandma Dot taught me long ago to NEVER question God's work. At that age I didn't understand- I just didn't question Him. Now that I am older I understand more. I would be lying if I din't wanted to ask God "why me" because I did want to. I wanted to know why I try each day a better person and be more Christ-like and there are people who don't try and are in "better situations" than I am. But that's here. On Earth. And earthly gain are NOTHING compared to what heavenly gains are. For you see, in my father's house their are many mansion. If it was not true, Jesus would not have said it. But He did. OH BUT HE DID!
Before I was born God knew this was the life I would live, He had it all planned out. I made a few pitstops (mistakes) I found my way back to that path. What I want may not align up with what God wants, so I don't get it. I have to learn to accept it & be okay with His plans for me.
Maybe I was meant to only have one child and that one child gets so much love from me it's ridiculous. Maybe that's what Avi needs (only God knows). I remember three years ago God placing me in this school and me thinking to myself "really, an elementary school?" I told myself that this would temporary yet I am still here. A parent that I get the chance to make a difference in a different child's life every day. Does a "normal mom" get to do that? I get a billion hugs and compliments each day. When my students hurt, I hurt. When they are sad, I am sad. Isn't that what a "normal mom" does? So biologically I have one child, but for 8 hours I am a mom to numerous students who I view as MINE. I would protect them just as I would Avi. If they fell and scraped their knee, I'd fix, just like I would Avi. If they needed a hug, I'd hug them, just like I would Avi. Just like I would my own son!
The movie didn't end how I imagined, like my life won't end how I planned it. But the movie taught me that there are people out there that have it way worse than I do. The fault in my stars was me being upset and hurt about my disease. Although there are no cure for either, it's not life threatening. Yes, the pain is unbearable some days. But that pain means I'm alive. Someone else with a disease wasn't so lucky. I get to see my son grow up and have kids (I'll be a grandma, haha). Someone else doesn't get that. I get to see thousands of kids excel and do great things. And that, my friends, is my silver lining in this dark cloud of chronic disease.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
HYSTO- WHAT NOW?
At my doctor's appointment yesterday she told me that my right ovary seemed enlarged and she could a cyst on it. All I could think of was great, another thing wrong with me. I'm laying there in my own world while she talks about my uterus being tilted so far back... until I hear her say "it's a component of the endometriosis".
It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Then I did. There was talk about removing ovaries and a hysterectomy. Hysterectomy isn't something a 27 year old wants to hear.
How could an "invisible" disease have so much power over a person's life? People don't see the physical aspects of it, so therefore those with it must be exaggerating, right?
WRONG.
I wish that I was exaggerating when I say things like it feels like there's a knife scraping my insides or that it feels like little bombs exploding, like I'm constantly going into labor. Peeing is a struggle for me, which feels like a life long UTI.
You can't see my pain because I hide it Everyday is a struggle for me. EVERY. DAY. I lay in bed each morning not wanting to get up, not because I want extra sleep but because I'm hurting. I get up and I get dressed. I put make-up on. I fix my hair. I go about my day with the biggest smile. The fakest smile. I literally have to laugh to stop myself from crying.
I'm constantly wanting to puke.
My bladder is constantly full- but that's due to the other disease, interstitial cystitis.
My kidneys hurt.
Sometimes I'm so bloated I look 4-5 months pregnant.
It's not that I'm gaining weight, because I haven't.
It's actually a component of the disease.
Those times I just lay on the couch "being lazy" isn't laziness at all.
Its fatigue- a component of the disease.
My "crazy hormones" aren't really crazy.
It's the medicine that I take daily to balance it all out.
Yesterday was different. I no longer wanted to hide it. I no longer wanted to be ashamed. That was the straw that broke my hypothetical camel's back....
11 years ago, I didn't want kids. ANY KIDS. AT ALL. My grandma died. My best friend moved away. I contemplated suicide. Then Avion came along and my world was changed (for the better). Now I am faced with the possibility of me never bearing another child. What will my future husband think? Would he still love me? Would he leave me? Would he even propose?
I began thinking about all the people who have multiple children and barely take care of them. How is that fair? I am not a perfect mom but I am a damn good one. How fair that I get one child who I sacrifice for on a daily basis, whom I put his needs before mine yet people are having kids to keep a person around or for more food stamps or a bigger income tax check?
How fair is it that I will be spending a future Saturday with the man who donated sperm to create Avion, along with all of his other children, when there's a possibility I can't have another? He hasn't even seen Avi in about 8-9 years but I've been here day after day after day. Yet I'm the one who's punished?
I pondered all of these things yesterday while I cried on my couch. Then I thought, 11 years ago I didn't want to be a teacher either but God placed me on this path. Obviously He knew this would happen. This isn't new to Him. When I get my own classroom I will love each of those students as if they're my own child. There's always adoption. There's always god-children.
It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Then I did. There was talk about removing ovaries and a hysterectomy. Hysterectomy isn't something a 27 year old wants to hear.
How could an "invisible" disease have so much power over a person's life? People don't see the physical aspects of it, so therefore those with it must be exaggerating, right?
WRONG.
I wish that I was exaggerating when I say things like it feels like there's a knife scraping my insides or that it feels like little bombs exploding, like I'm constantly going into labor. Peeing is a struggle for me, which feels like a life long UTI.
You can't see my pain because I hide it Everyday is a struggle for me. EVERY. DAY. I lay in bed each morning not wanting to get up, not because I want extra sleep but because I'm hurting. I get up and I get dressed. I put make-up on. I fix my hair. I go about my day with the biggest smile. The fakest smile. I literally have to laugh to stop myself from crying.
I'm constantly wanting to puke.
My bladder is constantly full- but that's due to the other disease, interstitial cystitis.
My kidneys hurt.
Sometimes I'm so bloated I look 4-5 months pregnant.
It's not that I'm gaining weight, because I haven't.
It's actually a component of the disease.
Those times I just lay on the couch "being lazy" isn't laziness at all.
Its fatigue- a component of the disease.
My "crazy hormones" aren't really crazy.
It's the medicine that I take daily to balance it all out.
Yesterday was different. I no longer wanted to hide it. I no longer wanted to be ashamed. That was the straw that broke my hypothetical camel's back....
11 years ago, I didn't want kids. ANY KIDS. AT ALL. My grandma died. My best friend moved away. I contemplated suicide. Then Avion came along and my world was changed (for the better). Now I am faced with the possibility of me never bearing another child. What will my future husband think? Would he still love me? Would he leave me? Would he even propose?
I began thinking about all the people who have multiple children and barely take care of them. How is that fair? I am not a perfect mom but I am a damn good one. How fair that I get one child who I sacrifice for on a daily basis, whom I put his needs before mine yet people are having kids to keep a person around or for more food stamps or a bigger income tax check?
How fair is it that I will be spending a future Saturday with the man who donated sperm to create Avion, along with all of his other children, when there's a possibility I can't have another? He hasn't even seen Avi in about 8-9 years but I've been here day after day after day. Yet I'm the one who's punished?
I pondered all of these things yesterday while I cried on my couch. Then I thought, 11 years ago I didn't want to be a teacher either but God placed me on this path. Obviously He knew this would happen. This isn't new to Him. When I get my own classroom I will love each of those students as if they're my own child. There's always adoption. There's always god-children.
Although I don't understand this at all, it's not my place to question God or His plans for my life. It hurts. A LOT. Thinking about it overwhelms me to the point that tears fall. I could sit here in sulk in self-pity but that doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be in pain. So even in the midst of all this confusion I still trust in the Lord to see me through. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge to him, and he will direct your path."
When it's all said and done I'll have an even greater testimony that could change a life. No matter what I will remain 100% faithful to God and maybe my faith will lead another to Christ. So in a sense, I'm giving life- which is kind of like having a baby, right? :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
A Ram in The Bush
Last night I had a "come to Jesus". I told Him that I was tired. TIRED. Tired of everything. Tired of stress. Tired of worry. Tired of bills. Tired of struggles. Tired of obstacles. Then something amazing happened. Avion shifted in his sleep and it reminded me of my purpose.
I laid there in tears because I had no idea how I was going to tell that kid, MY KID, that his mom couldn't afford for him to go to state with the rest of his football team. Sure, he'd understand. He always had, he always will. That's the thing about Avi, he has a good heart and an old soul. I constantly feel like I am letting him down and he constantly reminds me that "it's alright". But last night I was tired. Tired of letting that amazing young man down. Why should he suffer because his mom lives paycheck to paycheck? I told him countless times to go out their on that field and give it his all and his team would make it to state. They did. Now how could I tell him he could't go? How was that fair? So I prayed. I prayed hard. Harder than I have in awhile.
The devil was working hard on me and my spirit but I asked the Lord to give me strength to fight back. I cried out to the Lord and told Him I know I can't do this on my own. I have no clue what I am doing. Being a single mom is hard work and I cannot fathom why He thought I was the right candidate for the job. Why on earth would God give me this remarkable kid to take care of without the means to actually do so?
Then God showed me my strengths. Next month Avion will 10. He's had an amazing 10 years of life so far. He gets to go on a summer vacation each year. He's flew on a plane to Vegas. He's been to Mississippi and Florida countless times. He's had a great birthday each year and five days later a greater Christmas. He's plays soccer, football, and basketball. He's a straight A student and E in conduct. He has clothes on his back, shoes on his feet, and he's never went without food. He knows Jesus and we worship together.
God opened my eyes to all of that to show me that even though I feel like I am constantly failing my son, I haven't yet and that I never will. So what, I have to scrape up money for him to be able to participate in things- I still get the job done. God has always allowed me to provide for my son. Always. I don't have to worry because God always makes a way out of no way.
And that was my "ram in the bush".
Friday, October 3, 2014
"it's not about the money, money, money..."
This morning a student's parent texted me thanking me for all I've done for their child. He said that I was a blessing to have around because his child looked up to me, felt "safe" with me, and knew I was there to calm him down no matter what.
That made me feel all warm & fuzzy!
When I enrolled in college I had decided on teaching, then I changed my to criminal justice. For six years I lived, breathed, ate, slept the justice system. Then I got a chance to work with kids and realized that it was what my heart wanted. Teaching isn't for everyone. I hear people say all the time "I don't have patience for kids" or "I couldn't spend all day in a classroom with students". But I can. It comes naturally. One doesn't teach for money- there's no money in it. So if you're looking to get rich- don't teach! There's something buried inside every teacher that makes them stay up to midnight grading papers. That same thing makes them want to pull their hair out because they've taught little Billy eight different ways and he still doesn't 'get it'. It's that same thing that you see in that teacher's eye at the end of the school year when it finally clicks in Billy. Its' that same thing that those 67's they were inputting in the computer turn into 80's and 90's. That same thing that years later Billy comes back and shows that teacher a picture of his family and tells the teacher because of her he didn't give up.
There's no price tag for that.
None.
I have spent a ton of money on students and I will continue doing it. For those 8 hours your child is in school, they belong to that teacher. You rarely hear a teacher say "my students", it's normally "my children".
It took me a little over six years to hear that little voice inside of me whispering "you were born to teach". Don't get me wrong, I love criminal justice, I still read my law books "for fun". I love shows like Law & Order. But at the end of the day nothing makes my heart feel like it does when I see a frown on a student's face turn into a smile. That first year working part-time at a school a little girl was sitting next to me and said "Ms. McCurdy I really like you a lot, I wish you were my real teacher. You should be a teacher." I smiled at her and thought "I should, shouldn't I?"
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Heaven is for Real... For Real.
A week ago my pastor's wife asked me if I had ever read the book "Heaven is For Real". I told her I had seen the movie but never read the book. She handed me the book and told me I had to read it. She then went on to explain there was a "catch". Once I was done with the book I had to pass it on to someone else, as a saint challenge. I just finished the book. One word: amazing! The movie didn't do this book justice. Some parts of this book gave me chills. It opened up my eyes to a lot of questions that I've always had. I've believed in God for as long as I can remember. As I have grown older my faith "intensified", or so I thought, until I read this book.
In the book after Colton had his experience he constantly told his parents about his experience in heaven. He was matter-of-fact with each revelation. How awesome is to know that there is Someone greater than us who already has our lives planned. A wonderful life if we just accept Him. Go to Him dirty and let him cleanse us? One part of the story a rainbow appears in the sky. Colton's parents call him outside to see it and he says "cool, I prayed for it last night". WOW! He prayed for it and got it. The Bible tell us that we have not because we ask not. So why would we not ask God for something, believe He'll give it and don't think twice or worry about it?
I just told God that I wanted a God fearing husband to complete our family. Instead of going out to look for him, I will let God answer that prayer. I believe that He will send him to me. I can't wait!
When we are younger we tell our parents we are hungry and expect them to feed us, without worry. We ask for things we want, without worry. We went to sleep and woke up, without worries. We went throughout our day- without one single worry. Why is as we grow older and our faith grows we lose that worry free faith? Child-like faith. If you haven't read this book I highly suggest you go get it. savor it. The one I read has a guide at the back that I want to devour, however I am passing the book a long to one of the ladies in my class who told me a story of child almost dying while she was driving home one night. She had to stop her car and pull over giving him cpr in the backseat while his little body turned purple and cold. It brought tears to my eyes. Lucky for her, her son recovered. Three weeks later I was given this book to read and pass along... That's God for sure!
I'm going to buy the book for myself, as well as for my son so we can read it together and both learn to have (and keep) that unwavering child like faith in the Lord.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Vulnerability
One of the main reasons why relationships don't last these days is because we're too afraid to be be vulnerable with our significant others. Men are too afraid to show affection and love. Women are too busy trying to show their independence...
I was once (still am) the latter. I have this sense of pride that doesn't always allow me to ask for help when I actually need it. I want a man to know that I don't need him. That I can get by just fine without him. It finally hit me that a man wants to feel needed, as do I. I've always been too afraid to be open with people. So here's my vulnerable side because maybe, just maybe the man that's going to give me his last name will stumble upon this blog and read this post...
- I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously. Those first few minutes before my eyes adjust after the lights go out are the worse (for me). And when I'm in the bathroom and turn the lights off before I open the door, I panic (because I think of "Bloody Mary").
- When something is funny, really funny, to me and I laugh hard, really hard, I fart (gasp).
- I hate chocolate but I love white chocolate.
- I hate being outdoors because I don't like to smell like "outside" when I come in... however before I die I want to have a romantic picnic under the stars- possibly on the back of a tailgate.
- I like watching people sleep.
- I'm afraid of failure. I think the world will stop and point.
- I'm afraid that when I'm walking down the aisle on my wedding day that I'll fall and the back of my dress will rip.
- I have always wanted to run into a guy's arm and have him pick me up then spin me around.
- I want to sing duets with my future hubby on the highway.
- I want to take goofy family photos.
- I want to paint every room in my house a different colors.
- I want to live in the country. With horses. And a pig. Maybe a sheep.
- I fall in love quickly- but I hardly ever say it.
- I like to be held at night- even when I say I don't. And there will be LOTS of times I say I don't want to be held. Hold me anyway.
- When I have a bad day I take a long shower and cry. Hard. Like really hard- snotty nose and all.
- I say I don't want more kids but truth is, I'm afraid that this disease (IC/Endo) will take over my life and I won't be able to... so I try to convince myself that I don't want them.
- I used to force myself to throw up. No one ever figured it out. I even wrote a book about it. No one ever read it.
- After I retire from teaching, I want to open up my own restaurant.
- My favorite color is pink. And green. And teal. And brown but only in the fall.
- My undies have to match my shirt or pants.
- Blood makes me queasy.
- I want my future husband to leave me sticky notes in random places.
- I want to learn how to tie ties so that I can tie them for my husband.
- I'm afraid of death- not because of where I will go but because I'll be leaving Avion without a parent.
- But the biggest thing is that I'm afraid that I don't have a soulmate... so the majority of those things won't ever happen....
What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...
I'm taking another break from Facebook. I honestly think that God is trying to speak to me but the "noise" from Facebook is overpowering my stillness. Yesterday He said "I help those who help themselves, so should you". So I'm stepping back from those that I am constantly helping or putting effort into and getting NOTHING in return. Either they will miss me and put forth the effort or I'll realize they were just another "season."
This morning I was in my closet grabbing shoes, looked up and seen a note I wrote (and taped) to the closet wall. It's more of a list of qualities I want in a husband. This has been hanging up for quite a while and never had it gotten my attention like it did this morning. I believe it was once again God speaking to me. You see, last night I laid down and began praying. I prayed for my family and friends. I thanked God for my blessings, asked for His forgiveness for my sins. I told him I wanted to be a better person for myself, for Him, for Avi, for my family, for my friends, for my Boaz-worthy future husband (if you don't know Boaz, go read the book of Ruth in the Bible). Then I paused asked God if there was something wrong with me. I contemplated settling for him and his happiness so that I wouldn't have to be lonely. So that I'd have someone to talk to each night before bed, someone to text me "good morning" or "just thinking about you, have a nice day". Why can't I just have "it" for once...
Rewind to this morning, as I am reaching for shoes on my shoe rack, and I see the "Hubby List". God was saying "Why should you settle for anything less than what is on this list?" I thought why in the HECK am I praying for a man who doesn't love me when I could be using that prayer for something else?! After all, the Bible CLEARLY says in Genesis 1:27 that I was made in the image of HIM!!! At the beginning of His Word, He says that (and repeats it). I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that guy, those guys, or him... they are absolutely made for someone else- just not me.
I can't be unequally yoked with a man simply because I am lonely. What kind of life would that be? True, I wouldn't be lonely, but would I be happy? Absolutely not. Maybe for a while but later down the road would I find myself waiting for the kids to go off to college so that I can leave that man I decided to start a family with knowing we were a match from hell?
Do I like being single? Nope. Not. At. All. I HATE IT! What? You thought I was going to say "oh yes, absolutely love my freedom of being single." Well then that'd be a lie and this honesty blog would be pointless. I once read somewhere that you should love someone so much that they feel free. So if you're with someone and you don't feel free- LEAVE. No, that's not giving you permission to go cheat (you should leave if you want to cheat) but you shouldn't feel tied down in your relationship. You should be able to hang with friends (and he with his) yet come back together at the end of the day/night and be at peace in their arms. I didn't feel like that in my last relationship (that's a later blog post).
This morning I was in my closet grabbing shoes, looked up and seen a note I wrote (and taped) to the closet wall. It's more of a list of qualities I want in a husband. This has been hanging up for quite a while and never had it gotten my attention like it did this morning. I believe it was once again God speaking to me. You see, last night I laid down and began praying. I prayed for my family and friends. I thanked God for my blessings, asked for His forgiveness for my sins. I told him I wanted to be a better person for myself, for Him, for Avi, for my family, for my friends, for my Boaz-worthy future husband (if you don't know Boaz, go read the book of Ruth in the Bible). Then I paused asked God if there was something wrong with me. I contemplated settling for him and his happiness so that I wouldn't have to be lonely. So that I'd have someone to talk to each night before bed, someone to text me "good morning" or "just thinking about you, have a nice day". Why can't I just have "it" for once...
Rewind to this morning, as I am reaching for shoes on my shoe rack, and I see the "Hubby List". God was saying "Why should you settle for anything less than what is on this list?" I thought why in the HECK am I praying for a man who doesn't love me when I could be using that prayer for something else?! After all, the Bible CLEARLY says in Genesis 1:27 that I was made in the image of HIM!!! At the beginning of His Word, He says that (and repeats it). I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that guy, those guys, or him... they are absolutely made for someone else- just not me.
I can't be unequally yoked with a man simply because I am lonely. What kind of life would that be? True, I wouldn't be lonely, but would I be happy? Absolutely not. Maybe for a while but later down the road would I find myself waiting for the kids to go off to college so that I can leave that man I decided to start a family with knowing we were a match from hell?
Do I like being single? Nope. Not. At. All. I HATE IT! What? You thought I was going to say "oh yes, absolutely love my freedom of being single." Well then that'd be a lie and this honesty blog would be pointless. I once read somewhere that you should love someone so much that they feel free. So if you're with someone and you don't feel free- LEAVE. No, that's not giving you permission to go cheat (you should leave if you want to cheat) but you shouldn't feel tied down in your relationship. You should be able to hang with friends (and he with his) yet come back together at the end of the day/night and be at peace in their arms. I didn't feel like that in my last relationship (that's a later blog post).
So what is it that I want in man? Let me just tell you!
- GOD FEARING
- Goes to church (with us- his family)
- Prays WITH me and FOR me.
- FAMILY ORIENTED
- Puts nothing/no one before us (besides God, of course)
- Treats Avi as his own (or deal is o-f-f!!!)
- Makes time for us
- at least one day/night a week
- Wants to get married
- not like tomorrow, or next year, but it has to be a goal for him.
- Wants children
- even if adopted (since I may not be able to birth more)
- PRIORITIES
- Has a degree
- or is working towards one
- eager for education
- Own car
- Doesn't have to be fancy...
- Own place to live
- No you can NOT move in with me!
- Pays own bills
- If your mom is paying your bills, what can you do for me? The bible says a MAN leads his household- not a man's mom!
- EXTRAS
- Always has to kiss me goodnight
- No going to bed mad.
- Always tells/shows he loves me DAILY.
- Compliments me on a regular basis.
- Yes, I know my worth but it's nice to feel wanted :)
- Checks to see how my day is going
- Phone call or text
- Goes to my doctor's appointments with me
- Nothing worse than sitting in a cold exam room alone in tears
- NEVER GIVES UP ON ME. NEVER EVER!
- Love me when it hurts, that's when I need it the most!
I don't think these things are too much to ask for. I am willing to put in 100% to someone who is willing to do the same. When I love, I love hard. It's for real. It's pure. It's genuine. I expect that same love in return. Period. I can't settle. I won't settle. My Boaz is somewhere in this world being prepped by God specifically for me and the thought of that will get me through these lonely times.
...and the one good thing about this single life? It's easy for my oath of celibacy!
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