I need You now Lord

School started back this week- work and college classes.

It's been hard. Really hard. 

I've had to adjust to not having as much help IN the household as I have for the past few years. I spent the past few nights laying in my bed- in tears. Needless to say when Wednesday arrived I NEEDED TO GET TO CHURCH BECAUSE I NEEDED THE SPIRIT! When I got there I had a one-on-one session with my pastor. He is amazing! One of the first questions he asked was why it was so hard to trust people. My answer was simple (or so I thought), I said "because everyone has always let me down when I needed them the most... why trust?". Good answer LaRonnica.

WRONG!!!

Pastor came back with "So you mean to tell me EVERYONE in this world has betrayed you?" He waited for me to answer. (insert my confused look here) He went on to tell me that I'm building walls that are blocking blessings from God. For all I know God has sent someone (not necessarily relationship-wise) to help me but because I'm so hell-bent on hurts from the past that I'm missing out. Pastor explained to me that I have to let go of my past. If someone hurt me, call them out on it. Tell them how it made me feel. But don't hold the next person accountable for something they haven't done. I told him I automatically expected people to hurt me, that's life- right?! No, it isn't. He said some people, Godly people, will do for you and not expect something in return- EVER. They will do for you and won't throw it back in your face (ie: "remember that time that I did _____ for you?"). There is not one doubt in my mind that I have trust issues. And that's something that I am working on- slowly but surely. However, some people that I thought should have never let me down, did. Pastor told me to hold them accountable for that but at the same time I should stop expecting Christian values from a person who doesn't have Christ on their inside. WOW!

Which leads Pastor to his next question... how am I at forgiveness. I told him that I was getting better at it (and I am). Old me would have written you off and not thought twice about it. FOR REAL. Friends. Family. No one got a pass. You hurt me? You're dead to me. Period. I spent almost 5 years mad at biological father for something that he probably didn't even know I was hurting over- until I wrote him a 4 page letter and poured it all out. Now we are slowly building a relationship back and I can't thank God enough for that. My dad is now quoting bible verses to me, which NEVER happened before. I started praying for his soul, for his spirit- and I think that God is definitely working on that. I have forgiven people that I had grudges for and although our relationships aren't like how they used to be, I don't "hate" them. Love the sinner- hate the sin. So of course, I was feeling good with my answer at this point.... until Pastor asked me how I was at forgiving myself....

And that's when II felt the tears coming. I had to blink and scrunch up my face. I don't think anyone had ever asked me that so I was forced to think about it. REALLY THINK. The longer I though about it, the more I realized the one person I was the most upset at was me. Little ole' me. In fact I was angry at myself. I was pissed. This wasn't the life I planned for myself 15 years ago. How in the hell did I get here?! I told Pastor that I would NEVER question God but I was angry because I feel like I'm a good person, so why was all of this hardship upon me? He said "because you made a mistake, you got side tracked. You did it. But you didn't stay messed up. The Spirit convicted you because you knew better, so now you're doing better..." I told Pastor that I was still mad. I have a kid, who's biological father walked out and when he was ready to "come back" Avion didn't want anything to do with him. My son picked up a picture of him and had absolutely NO CLUE who he was. I laughed about it but deep down it hurt. Every day is a struggle. I worry. I stress. And my son doesn't deserve to suffer because of mistakes I made/make. I went on to tell Pastor that I was upset that I'm in still in school and not in a career. I'm upset that I have had one failed relationship after another, when there are people younger than me who are already married. I can't even get my kid a dog because our apartments doesn't allow animals. Where's my house with the big backyard that Avi can run around in with man's best friend? Where's my prince charming who won't give up on me when it gets to hard? Why am I living paycheck to paycheck? Why am I not where I want to be????? 

Pastor smiled and said "You are where God wants you to be!" Every struggle has made and will make you a stronger person. In the end you'll look back and say 'oooh, that's why I had to go through ____.' He told me it was time to forgive myself. Tell LaRonnica that she messed up. Forgive LaRonnica. Move on! Pastor told me there was nothing wrong with me having standards and not settling. The problem arises when I compromise. AND I'M NOT WILLING TO COMPROMISE MY CHRISTIANITY FOR ANYONE. I have to believe, really believe, that God will send me an equally yoked partner who will want the same things I want. Who will treat Avion as his own. Who will love God so much that it radiates from his soul. Who will love me the way Jesus loved the church (after all, Jesus did die for us).Who will push me to do better in all aspects of my life. 

I told Pastor that it's hard for me to believe in those things. It's hard for me not to be mad at me. I have faith, don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I know I CANNOT do this alone, I NEED HIM! Pastor told me that I have to take self out of it- completely out of it. There's no doubt that the spirit is IN me, but am I letting Him work THROUGH me. When people look at me do they always see Christ? Probably not because when things get hard I get down and that's when the devil gets happy. I have too much life inside of me to give the devil that joy. 

Not anymore. 

The devil can't have my peace. 

This world can't take my joy. 

Lord,                                                                                                                          8/28/2014

Today I am turning over a new leaf. I am coming to you as I am. Filthy. I know You accept me that way and You will wash me & make me clean. There may be times when I backslide but Father give me the wisdom to come to You for forgiveness and know that You will forgive me and will never bring it up again. Give me the strength to forgive myself as well. Help me to stop beating myself up over things of the past. Help me break down these walls, especially the ones around my heart, so that I can stop blocking blessings You send. Father I am sorry if I ever doubted You. It won't happen again. Lord I love You and I need You. I have not because I ask not- so Lord I ask all of these things in Your son Jesus name!

Your daughter,

LaRonnica McCurdy

Celibacy

Its been awhile... Let's play catch up.

Summers almost over and it's been one hell of a summer. The one person I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life with is no longer in my life. It was hard at first, because we were friends before the relationship- so I lost a love and a friend. But if the past three months have taught me anything, its thatmans rejection is God's protection. He won't take anything away without blessing you with something better. Although I can't see them I KNOW my blessings are on the way!

After all of that you'd think I'd be bitter, but I'm not. Actually I've learned a lot about LaRonnica. First, (and this may be too "raw" for some) is that I tend to use my body to keep unnecessary people in my life. No need to go into detail, I think you get the picture. I feel like maybe if I sacrifice this, I'll get that. Maybe if I give him this he'll give me his heart. Did it work? No. It left me feeling empty afterwards. I also learned that I fall too easily. I allow people to stick around who should have been gone a long time ago. I move mountains for people who wouldn't throw a rock for me.  I will cross an ocean for people who wouldn't splash in a puddle for me. I gave and I gave and what did I get in return? A broken heart and empty promises...

At my lowest point I reached out to God and although I had no words in the beginning I cried. And like most fathers who see their children crying he comforted me. As the tears flowed so did my words. I told Him my problems. I told Him my fears. I confessed my sins and I apologized. He forgave me. He won't bring it back again!

I asked Him to prepare my heart, soul, and body for my forever love. How can He do that if I'm freely giving it away to someone who doesn't deserve it? Thus, my celibacy was born (gasp). I asked God to take me take self out of it because the flesh is weak. I asked Him to help me lose myself in Him so that when my Boaz comes along he will have to seek God in order to find my heart. That could be next week, next year, or ten years from now- however I'm willing to wait so that God can prepare me for that man and vice versa. Just the thought of a God fearing man (made especially for me) being out there gives me hope.

Endo Survivial Letter

Dear Parents, Partners, Friends, Families, Employers & Doctors:

We have spent the last years of our lives apologizing for being stricken with a disease we did nothing to contract, and we can do it no longer. We are asking - again - for your understanding.  We are not responsible for failing to live up to your expectations, the way you think we should. What you seem to fail to realize, is that you are just as much a part of the cycle of the disease as we are, because you are not getting the whole of our person and our capabilities.

We are not "lazy," we are not "whiners," we do not make the pain up "in our heads."

We have endometriosis.

We know that we look healthy on the outside, and that is sometimes harder to accept than if we exhibited the disease in our every day appearance. What you don't see is what our organs look like on the inside, and you don't see what living with it has done to our emotional well-being.

When we call in sick, it's not because we need a mental health day or to "go shopping." It's because we can't get out of bed from the pain.  Do you think we like letting our careers suffer?  Would it be easier for you to understand if we said we had cancer and looked the part?

When we get emotional and cry at the seemingly silliest things, or get angry for even less reason, it's not because we are "flaky women."  It is because we are taking drug therapies to stall this incurable disease, or perhaps it's because we have come close to the breaking point after dealing day in and day out with the pain for which there is no defined cause or absolute cure.

When we can't have intimate relations with our partners, it is not because we don't love you or want to. It's because we can't. It hurts too much. And we aren't feeling real attractive right now.

When you, our parents, can't understand that since you are healthy, we should be too, but aren't - try harder. We don't understand it either. We need your support more than anyone's.

When we can't go to family gatherings or accept social invitations, it's not because we don't wish to share in your fun. It's because we feel like pariahs. You are all having such a nice time with your children and loved ones - we can't remember the last time we had a nice time, or the last time we were pain-free.  We can't have a nice time with our children (some of us); because we were robbed of that chance before we were old enough to even care about having them in the first place. Do you think we need to be reminded of our battle with infertility by watching you and your babies? Or for those of us who were blessed enough to be able to conceive, do you think we want a constant reminder that we never feel well enough to spend enough quality time with our children, or worse - that we might have passed this disease down through our genetics onto our daughters?

When you married us, you didn't know that we meant the "in sickness and in health" part literally, did you? We bet you were counting on at least a 50/50 split of that combination, rather than the 90/10 ratio you got. You are our caretakers, the ones who drive us to and from our doctors, countless surgeries, and emergency room visits. You are the ones who hear us crying in the night and see us break down during the day. You are the ones who wait on us hand and foot after surgery. You are the ones that go for months on end without sharing our beds with us. You are the ones that deal with our infertility right along with us. We strike out at you when we are hurting and angry, and you take it in stride. You are perhaps bigger victims of endometriosis than even we are. You are appreciated more than words can ever say.

Don't give up on us now.

As a medical professional, we are coming to you for help. We are asking you to do the job you were trained to do and ease our suffering. We do not need you to tell us that we are imagining the excruciating pain we live in, or worse yet, that it is "normal for a woman to hurt." Keep up with your research, find the cause of this disease and better yet, find a cure! Stop taking the easy way out and drugging us into oblivion so that we will quiet down.  We want answers and it is your job to provide them. You were the ones that took the oath to heal - why do we have to try to do your job? Do you understand what it means when we tell you that we literally can no longer live a normal life and care for ourselves and our families?  We're not drug seeking; we're answer seeking.

Are you not up to the challenge to find the answers?

To those we have called friends all our lives, why have you deserted us when we needed your compassion and understanding the most? Do you see the selfishness of your actions? When we can't get together with you, it's not because we don't like you or we don't care - it's because we are no longer capable of enjoying healthy leisure time. Our minds are consumed with our next doctor's appointments, what surgery we are going to have next, and why we feel so sick all the time. This is not about you - it never was and it never will be. It is about us. Please try to remember what the term "friend" means.

Try to walk one minute in our shoes. We have fought a war for the better part of our years. We are faced daily with physical pains we can't understand and mental anguish we can barely cope with some days. We face a society daily that doesn't even know the word "endometriosis," much less the ramifications of living with the disease. We have to face uneducated and unsympathetic doctors who tell us "it's all in your head", and "have a hysterectomy, it will cure you", or "get pregnant, it will cure you", when we know that it won't and have been dealing with infertility for the last however many years.  Can't you see that?

We have to fight to get medical treatment that insurance companies don't deem necessary, or worse, we deplete our savings because aren't able to obtain proper care unless we pay for it ourselves and travel thousands of miles to the rare specialists that are few and far between.  We have to have surgery after surgery and subject ourselves to horrific medications just to be able to get out of bed in the morning. This is not a conscious choice we made, it was the hand we were dealt. It is enough of a war we wage just to try and live with some modicum of normalcy - don't make it harder on us by not seeing the reasons why.

Endometriosis is a disease that affects all of us.

Take the time to learn about it and understand. If you can do that, and you can join us in the battle for a cure, then we can one day return to our old selves and live a normal, pain-free life. We can have healthy relationships with our loved ones. We can stop taking the painkillers that numb our suffering to a degree and become part of the living again.

Please don't judge us and declare that we are all the things we are not - until you have lived with this disease ravaging your mind and body, you cannot speak on it.

Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, someone once said. While endometriosis may not kill our physical body, it tries like hell to kill our spirit. It tries to kill every hope and dream we ever had of doing the things that make us happy.

All of us are out here searching for a cure to put an end to the disease...and we are holding our heads high in spite of endometriosis and fighting it every single day.

We are asking you to take part in that battle and work with us beating it.  Wouldn't it be nice to have back the daughter, wife, friend or loved one you once knew?

Think about it.

~The Sentiments of Millions of Endometriosis Survivors around the World~

Single... but not so ready to mingle.

For a while I've prayed to God about a lot of different things. A  month ago I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis (IC) and my mind has been on auto pilot since. One thing for certain is that I know I'm ready to settle down. Does this mean that I want to be married tomorrow? Nope. I've made a plan for my life and it does include being married (and maybe having another kid) by the time I am 30 (a little over 3 years from now). I don't want to rush into a marriage or marry just anybody. I want my Boaz. I could pray that God sends me someone who wants what I want. However, I'm choosing to ask God to fix me. To mold me into the person that a godly man wants as a wife and mother to his children. I want to be a total inspiration to those around me. I want to walk by faith- not by sight. I want to be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find me. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. In order for me to do this I have to commit FULLY to Christ.

For the past three years I've shared my life with an amazing man. He's truly one of my best friends and a big supporter. He's been a terrific father figure to my son. We have had our shares of ups & downs- just like any other couple... It'd be nice to say "Great news, we're getting married!" But that's not the truth, lol. We are at two different places in our lives- going in two totally different directions. Directions that don't include the other. We BOTH realized that although we have love for each other, we aren't in love with one another. To continue on like this would be a waste. It's easy for someone on the outside looking in to say "fight for it" but it's not that simple.

Maybe I'm selfish but right now I want to fight for me more... Who's to say that after I become the woman God intends for me to be that we won't find our way back to each other (probably not) but no one knows what the future holds. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship. I want to work on myself for a while. I want to focus on the things that are wrong with me. I want to nurse myself back to health or at least feel healthy again. When the time is right I know the Lord will send the perfect man- made simply for me. It gives me chills to think of great He is and all He does for an undeserving soul like mine. To think that somewhere out there, there is a a soul who will fit perfectly with mine, all because God made him for me.

I'm inpatient. I cry a lot. I like to eat. White chocolate is my weakness. I don't like leaving the house without lip-chap. Sometimes I think I'm the most prettiest girl in the world, while other times I don't see my beauty. High heels & mascara make me feel sexy. I talk a lot and not enough. I'm overly-emotional. I'm anxious. I'm afraid of the dark. I love to be held when I'm feeling down. But most importantly, I'm trying to be better than the person I was yesterday... progression, not perfection.

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm lonely.

And just because I was in a relationship didn't mean I was happy.

I'm not being rude, I'm just being honest

Times like this I miss my grandma more than ever. I miss how I could call her up and listen to the best advice given- this side of heaven. I miss my dad... even though we weren't as close as we used to be, when I began to feel this way I could drive to him, sit in my car and cry. No words needed to be said, he understood. As he wrapped his arms around me and cried with me....

I tried.

Lord knows I tried. 

But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing "stop letting people walk all over you..."
I think I am more hurt than mad because it wasn't expected. I thought we better than that, but I thought wrong. I must say thank you, it taught me a valuable lesson: I AM NOT A DOORMAT (or an atm).

When I love, I love hard. When I give, I give freely. For the most part, I don't expect anything back in return. However, I feel that if I am there when I you need me- the VERY LEAST you can do is be there when I need you. NONE. Not one of my true family or real friends can say that I haven't came through for them. I have. I will. If I got it and they need it, it's theirs. I will buy lunch. I will buy dinner. I shop for Christmas and birthday gifts for them and their kids. If they need a ride, I'm coming- half the time with no expectation of gas. I go out of my way- even when I have no energy. All I expect is for you to be there when I need. Is that too much to ask? Am I in the wrong? It'd be totally different if you actually couldn't be there for me, but when I see you being there for others I wanna be like "wtf they do for you that I didn't?"

One thing that upsets me the most is being ignored. DO. NOT. IGNORE. ME!!!! If I am texting you or calling you don't ignore it. That makes me even more upset. If I am asking you about something (constantly) don't ignore me, don't keep lying- BE HONEST! I have a lot more respect for those who just come clean instead of beating around the bush. Then when I choose to go off everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy for allowing you to make a mockery out of me for so long. Maybe I am crazy for helping you. Maybe I am crazy for giving with a smile on my face.

I despise when a person tells my child something then flakes. Not because he NEEDS you for anything but simply because when the dust settle I am the one having to explain to him why someone didn't come through. Lie to all day, everyday. It doesn't bother me one bit. But when you tell a child, MY CHILD, that you're gonna do something or you have something for him then ignore him as if he doesn't exist don't expect me to "play nice".

Over the course of my life I have learned that family will run over you, take advantage of you, and downright degrade you more than a friend will! How sad? Then you wonder why I say if it's not my mom, Coco, or the boys I could care less... And some of you have the nerve to say "you forgot about me, didn't you?" Nah.. YOU FORGOT TO BE THERE FOR ME.

So when you get the "who is this" text or reach my voicemail don't be surprised. Don't be shocked when you get ignored. It just so happened that I pulled a you on you! Don't even be appalled when you get the "please don't ever call or text me again..." message. I've had enough let downs on my life and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let someone stay in my life who can't keep their word. ADIOS!

When God speaks, you'd better listen...

My Grandma Dot had this unwavering faith that I could never understand. When bad things happened she prayed. When she couldn't pay a bill, she prayed. When she was sick, she prayed. As I grew up and had complaints of my own, she would tell me to pray. It would get on my nerves because that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I needed answers and I needed them at that moment. Now as an adult I can finally comprehend that faith. 

Unshakeable.

Unbreakable.

Unstoppable.

FAITH.

There are times that every single thing in my life goes wrong- or so it seems. I find myself in deep though, deep fears, deep tears... deep prayers. God answers prayers in three ways:

yes.

no.

wait.

I have a problem with waiting. We all do. But if there is one that I've learned is that in the midst of the storm, the Lord will send protection. That answer that I thought I needed will come in the form of a bigger blessing, if I wait. I used to tell my grandma that I had these uneasy feelings an she would tell me it was God speaking. I'd get real quiet but I never HEARD his voice. I was waiting for this manly deep voice to come from the skies and tell what I wanted to hear. That voice never came. It's been more of a feeling. But I know that feeling is God telling me what to do. What to say. Right now I'm fighting some demons and I know that if it wasn't for Him, I'd be losing. Some days are harder than others. Some days I wonder if the fight is even worth it. Then I get this feeling of security and I know it's nobody but God telling me "you're gonna make it." He gives his TOUGHEST battles to his STRONGEST soldiers. If He didn't think I could do, He wouldn't have given it to me. I believe in miracles...

You can spend your whole life running from situation to situation but when God speaks, you'd better listen.

Chronic Pain & Diseases

"Do you know what interstitial cystitis is?"

A question that I didn't have the answer to but would change my life. The minute I left the doctor's office I Googled and did some research. The hardest part? NO CURE. Two small words that left me saddened and speechless...

For years I have battled with severe pains in my pelvic area. Not the ordinary cramps that come along with the typical menstrual cycle. Cramps that have stopped me in my tracks and make me cry. Cramps that make the area from my belly button to my knees hurt soooooo much, so badly. Cramps that feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat (in that same area). Cramps that feel like someone has my insides tied up in knots and then chooses to stab me over and over... and over. Cramps that sometimes make it hard to sit- and even harder to stand/walk.

For years I have put on a fake smile and tried to laugh through those times when the pain hits. Other times the pain is so excruciating that I get in my bed in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I try not to complain because I don't want people to think that I a crybaby or that I am weak. For years I had no clue what was going on inside of my body... NOW I DO.

Although there is no "cure" for IC, there are treatments. Treatments that don't work the same for everyone. I have to change my eating habits. No more spicy food she said. BUT I LOVE SPICY FOOD. "I can prescribe you pain meds" she said. I shook my head. I have seen first hand (not personally) what being addicted to pain meds can do to a person and that is not who I want to become. I don't want to be dependent nor addicted to them. After undergoing the majority of treatments that are available there's surgery. I'm not going to lie, the thought of be "drugged" and having doctors cut me open frightens me but the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.

To put the cherry on top my asthma is rearing it's ugly little head- bigger than ever. My doctor prescribed me a peak flow meter to monitor my breathing. I looked up my "normal" peak zone and I'm 35 below where I should be. Where is 35 below? A 60 year old woman who is my height.

And if that isn't bad she asked me if I was anxious? Of course I'm anxious. I'm a mother. Aren't we all? I thought that it was normal to feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest. She told me she could tell I was "overly- anxious". Whatever that is. While checking my heart rate (which was a high level and all I was doing was sitting) we had to stop and calm me down. How pathetic is that...

Actually it's not. I'm not pathetic. I'm not weak. I'm not a crybaby. I am being slapped in the face with the realization that I now suffer from a chronic pain/disease. One that has no cure... yet. But that doesn't make me any less of a woman. I joined this amazing group on FB with women who are going through what I am. For once in my life I don't feel so alone. So weird. This is all still new to me but I know that the Lord already knew it was coming and that He will walk with me every step of the way- no matter what happens. I was shocked at first. But now I know what to call it (although I can't pronounce it, lol). I now know that I don't have to hold my pain in or try to suppress is for other's benefit. The next time you hear someone complain about a pain or disease that you know NOTHING about- don't be so quick to judge because a lot more could be going on.