Before I was born...

I recently asked God a question, he answered no. Or so I thought. Nevertheless I began to praise God for that no. I thought to myself, am I worthy of just blessings and not trials or tribulations. Honestly, I'm not. So many times the Bible tells us be still and know that He is Lord. He reminds us countless time that He will fight our battles for us. We just have to learn to be still.


So in my moment of stillness the Lord sent me a revelation. God said to me "before you were born, before you were even in your mother's womb, this was planned for your life. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. The situation that you're going through is not new to Me my child. Keep the faith and know that I am Lord, I am God, and God alone."

Unknowingly to myself, God had strategically place people in my life to help me when I need. To be there to listen. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be a hand to wipe away my tears. To be my voice when I am weak. To give me advice when I need it the most.


So, I realized as it never a no. He was telling me not now, be still. He was preparing me for a testimony. Those people, those darling little angels, were there to fight for me. Maybe my answer will be no in the long run. But I have confirmation of what I hoped for. I've given people hope when they have felt hopeless. I have been to that voice in the back of their mind telling them not to give up, that they can do it. I have allowed them to feel as if they are not in these situations alone. Not even trying I have said I have done exactly what I set out to do. I have inspired, I have helped, ultimately I've changed lives. Maybe I won't be place where I want to be and I'm okay with that because I know that the Lord I serve will place me where I'm supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this chapter is closing but it does not mean that this book it's over. The enemy may think that he has won this battle, and maybe he has. But I will win the war because I have the Lord on my side.

No amount of words to express how my heart feels right now. My cup literally runneth over. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the help from His people... To go above and beyond to help little ol me. Someone once told me that you get what you put into this world. In the past 24 hours, I have been shown that I have put so much into this world- not even trying. That allows me to continue to step out on faith, not being able to see that next step but knowing that is there because of the LORD, the God, our Savior that we serve.

In THIS Season

I recently started a social media fast so that I can focus on God. I realized that I can still share my blogs via Facebook without being on there (I had a few people ask). Tomorrow I will be starting a fast- for 7 days, from 7 am to 7 pm I will have only liquids. During these hours I will seek God and try to get answers that I know only He can answer.


I'm in a season in my life that I don't understand, that I'm ready to be out of. When in reality you can't rush a season away. Sure, we celebrate Groundhog's Day where we think if he sees his shadows we may or may not have more winter. Truth is, spring will come exactly when its supposed to. The same goes for the seasons of my life...


I keep saying I'm so ready to graduate. I'm so ready to start my career. I'm so ready to get married. I'm so ready to have my dream house. I think if I could just "get there" I'd be happy. But with all those things, obstacles will still come. Yes, I'll graduate but my learning will never cease. Yes, I'll have a real career and get paid more, but then I'll have to pay more taxes. Yes, I'll get married but then I'll go from relationship problems to married problems. Yes, I'll have my dream house but I'll also have more bills.


In the past few days I've heard God tell me to be happy in the season I am in. Don't get so caught up in these small trivial things that I miss out on living. I watched a video from Liberty University with Catherine Caine as the speaker. She said when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and she went under the knife her thoughts weren't about her family or Twitter followers but did she fulfill her God given purpose. She said she wanted to know that if she was going home to be with our Lord, was she taking those that were supposed to go with her?


WOW! And here I am wondering if I'll ever find my Boaz and live happily ever after. Something's wrong with that. Actually, a lot is wrong with that. I'm not afraid to die because I know where I'm going, BUT am I taking people with me? Am I doing what God placed me here to do? Am I leading people to Christ? Because ultimately that's my job! That's your job. That's OUR JOB.


As Jesus ascended into heaven He said He was coming back again. Deny Him in front of our friends and He will deny us in front of His father. You do know that the ONLY way we can get to heaven is through then son, right? Well, if you didn't, now you do. God told us to go out into the highways and hedges. Don't take that in the literal form. But what He meant was those places you don't want to go or those people you don't want to speak to are probably the ones that need to be led the most. Yes, we should fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ who know God because we all need a spiritual uplift sometimes but that doesn't mean you can't tell that coworker about how good God has been to you.


I'm only a few days into my fast and I can tell that there's a lot I need answered. I can't put a time on it because that's not how He operates. Its not LaRonnica's will, it HIS WILL. Let me say that I'm thankful for that because I know I can't do this alone. I know that I need Him.


The first question that I have asked God is to show me my purpose for this season I'm currently in. Lord, what is that I can do in this season for the greatness of God? What can I say or do in this season that will lead another to Christ? I then asked for Him to bless me in this season. In this season of singleness, student-ness, sickness, financial help-needing-ness and everything else I'm going through, Lord show me how to be happy. Let me take the back burner so that in my struggles someone who doesn't know the Lord will seek Him and try Him.

Characteristics of a Good Man

I came across a blog written by Jarrid Wilson (I love his blogs!) that talked about characteristics you should want in a man. Jarrid says in this particular blog "God didn’t create you to settle." Which is something I refuse to do- especially in relationships.

Here are the 23 qualities Jarrid had in his blog (blue), with a twist from me (the pink):

1. He loves God. The Bible tells us constantly not to be unequally yoked. If I date you, it's for a purpose, hopefully marriage. So if I am choosing to spend my earthly life with you, why would I not want to spend my heavenly life with you?
2. He is driven. My drive is big, so his HAS to match. I can't carry the load for the both of us.
3. He is goal oriented. I have goals that I strive for each & everyday- so my significant other has to have goals as well. Do our goals have to match? Nope (see #5). They don't all have to be long term goals either.
4. He is chivalrous. Hold my hand. Open a door every once in a while. Leave me notes where I can find them. DATE ME!
5. He is supportive. If I decide to chop my hair off, support me, Never tell me that I am incapable of doing something. NEVER. (you'll regret it)
6. He is honest. I have a lot more respect for the truth than I do for lies. Don't try to "protect" me with a lie, I'm a big girl. I can handle it- even if it hurts.
7. He respects his parents. If you disrespect your parents, how can you respect me. I know there are certain situations but the Bible still says honor thy mother and thy father.
8. He respects your/his purity. Respect me. My thoughts. My body. My heart.
9. He shows patience. I'm hard to love at times. Be patient with me... I'm worth the wait, I promise :) 
10. He puts God first. God first. Family Second. Career Third. Everything else last. 
11. He is reliable. Don't tell me you will if you know you won't. 
12. He is trustworthy. If I put my trust in you, don't lose it. No lies. No games. 
13. He is someone you are attracted to. Beauty isn't just on the outside, I have learned to look beyond that!
14. He is always willing to help those in need. Buy the homeless man a bottle of water- it won't kill you. And maybe God will bless you later!
15. He will pray for you/with you. I want to be able to hold your hand and pray. TOGETHER. If I ask you to pray for me, just do it. No questions asked.
16. He manages his finances well. If you can't tithe but can spend $200 on tennis shoes or video games.. "Houston, we have a problem!"
17. He has a good reputation. I know everyone has a past. We change. We evolve. BUT don't let that past follow you into what we have.
18. He is willing to work hard to provide. The Bible says "if a man doesn't work, he won't eat." I'm not your mom, I won't raise you! I'm not a gold digger. We are equal.
19. He doesn’t make hasty decisions. Don't quit your job for some quick get rich scheme. Or you'll be single.
20. He doesn’t have a foul mouth. Don't ever call me out of my name. EVER. Don't ever say something you might regret- because I'll never forget. Once the words leave your mouth, no amount of "I'm sorry's" can take it back.
21. He has good manners. Say please. Say thank you. Use "yes ma'am" "no sir" when applicable. Hold open doors for others.
22. He is willing to protect you. Be my "David". 
23. He is always thinking on the bright side. Be able to encourage me, especially on my bad days.

Dear Future Husband,
Do these things && we'll live happily ever after. With ups. With downs. With highs. With lows. With good. With bad. But I promise, as long as you're fighting for us, I'm staying. 

Who Is She?

 "Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" (Danielle LaPorte)

After I read that quote I  began to ask myself that over and over. Where is that person that I used to be? Before I allowed the world to put me in categories. Before I became a "statistic". Then I marinated on this: I don’t think people love the real me. 

They love versions of me I have made to fit in. 

Versions of that they constructed in their own minds. 

The simple versions of LaRonnica.

The easy parts of her to love. 

Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? 

The girl that hated herself? 

The girl that lost control? 

The girl that gets so sad sometimes that she can’t get out of bed? 

The girl that shuts everyone out?

Who’s going to love that monster in me, who’s going to love me now?

If you don't like honesty, I advise you to stop reading now. Some of the things that I am about to say may be "too much" for you. A few weeks ago I decided to sit down and write a book, a testimony. I didn't decide this because I wanted to be on the New York best selling list or to make money. In fact, after meditating in God's word one day He spoke to me "what good is a testimony if no one ever hears it?" He was right. I've have been through so much and I'm sure that those things can help someone. So before that book becomes a reality, let me introduce you to the real me.

My name is LaRonnica. When I was 16 my grandmother died and my life changed in ways that I could never imagine. The day after she died I woke up and ran to her house thinking it was all a dream. Every step, tears fell. Before I made it there I stepped into the middle of the street- while a truck was coming. I closed my eyes and told God to take me too. He didn't. When I made it to her house, she still wasn't alive. That night I prayed that I didn't wake up the next morning. I did. 

Fast forward a few months, I give birth to my son. Not one person realized that suffered from post-partum depression. So much so that one night I decided to drive my car into the other lane. A purple truck with a gray streak on the side swerved so that it wouldn't hit me. The person driving honked but kept going. I pulled over and cried. I yelled at God "Why don't you see that I'm hurting? Why can't you just end it now? Hell has to be better than this!" He didn't take me.

I never understood why God wouldn't just let me die. I felt that my life had absolutely no purpose. After my grandma died I refused to go to church. I refused to have faith in a God that would take her away and leave me here to rot. Years passed and never once did I pray. Eventually, I got back in church. 

About 9 months ago I was forced to believe in myself again. I was forced to stop questioning why me? You're never truly aware of your strengths until being strong is your only option. You don't know what it's like to stand on your own two feet until your crutches are knocked away. Over the past few months my faith has been tested in ways no one could ever imagine. Each time I was forced to hold on tighter to God. Do you know what it feels like to be in a room with people, laughing and talking but still feel extremely lonely and depressed? I do. It feels like falling off of a boat and you're going under the water, coming back up, gasping for air, then going back under. All the while there are people staring at you- not helping. At first that idea made me mad. But then I realized, that's God way of showing me how strong I am. All I had to do was stop panicking and believe, then I could make it back to the boat. Then I could tell people my testimony of how I made it.

I told myself I was bringing someone to Christ this year but little did I know that the most important person I would bring closer to Christ would be myself. How can someone else see what God can do if I don't show them. Now it's clear that all those times I wanted to die but didn't,that I had a purpose in life. 12 years ago when I stepped in front of that truck I didn't know think that I'd go through all these things that could help another person. There a reason God kept me. Now it's time for me to live up to that potential!

If I had of died that day I would have missed out of the beautiful things that God had (and has) in store for me. "The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." - Romans 8:18

HOLD ON JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER...

2014 is over and 2015 is here. Before I left 2014 I told myself that I would lead someone to Christ in this year. I don't plan on "changing" them- just leading them. God will do all the "cleaning" himself...

This past Sunday I sat in Sunday school listening to Sister Teacher H teaching and it seemed like everything that she was saying was meant for me. Then Pastor A began his sermon "What The Holy Spirit Does For Us (Romans 8:1-5)", again it was meant for me. I have felt sermons before but I've never FELT sermons before. Confusing, I know.

It was like the Holy Ghost was on fire inside of me. I can't explain, I just know it was an amazing feeling and I've been on a "high" every since. I felt the presence of the Lord and my Grandma Dorothy. Pastor said that what God wants more than anything is to be first in our lives. So during prayer I began to tell God that I was tired and that I needed Him- more than anything or anyone. I told Him that sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't go on. I told Him that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I told him that I wanted a peace. I told Him that I wanted to existing and start living.

Then I began to sing "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary..." I wanted my heart and soul to be so full of the Lord that people didn't have to ask- they just knew. The Lord said "I give you life and I give it to you more abundantly." So why do we not serve Him the way we should. He wakes us up day after day. He watches over us as we sleep. Yet we still don't thank Him enough. We walk into a store and the person in front of us holds the door, we say thank you. We are reaching for something on a top shelf at Walmart, the person walking by grabs it, we say thank you. So why is it so hard to thank God in EVERY situation that occurs in our life?

Here lately, I've been so focused on how my life is and its not how I want it be. On December 19th my bank account was hacked and everything was stolen hours before I was supposed to pay for my son's bday party. I sat on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. I was so mad. I yelled out "WHY? Why me Lord? Why not anyone else?" In my mind, I had had it. I was done with trying to be obedient only to get slapped in the face. I messaged my best friend and told her I was losing faith and I couldn't hold on any longer. Luckily, she knew what to say to hold me up. Not even an hour later people had bought the cupcakes for the party, sent me money for the party, got to the bowling alley, and people had paid for the party. I went outside later and there was $100 bill on my windshield saying that I had been a blessing to them so they wanted to be a blessing to me.

AIN'T HE GOOD? WON'T HE DO IT? YES HE WILL!

So many times we find ourselves questioning God and the things that happen to us. Over the past few weeks I have learned that instead of asking God why I am in a situation, I need to ask Him to shape me to be better because of that situation. I need to be able to accept the outcomes and know that it's in His will. Whatever it is God is asking me to put down, it's only because he's preparing me to pick up something even greater.

2015 will be my year. I have claimed it. John 16:24 says "Until now you have asked for nothing in my name: ask, so that your joy be made full." So I asked for things. Things that I may not get in the year 2015 but I know it's coming because the Lord can and will make a way out of no way!

What's on that list you ask? Graduation. Financial stability. A house with a huge kitchen and LOTS of counter space. Maybe even a husband :)

As for now, I am on a mission to lead people to Christ this year. Will it be you? Or you? Or all of you reading this blog, past blogs, or future blogs.

the fault in MY stars...

Last night I seen the movie "The Fault In Our Stars". Let me just say if you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it- get your tissue ready. I bawled for AT LEAST the last 30 minutes of the movie. I won't go into details however, the movie allowed me great insight to my current situation...

One quote stood out to me the most "“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”  How very true! When I first found about my diseases I grieved. Although it could have changed me, it didn't.  I wanted to ask God why but my grandma Dot taught me long ago to NEVER question God's work. At that age I didn't understand- I just didn't question Him. Now that I am older I understand more. I would be lying if I din't wanted to ask God "why me" because I did want to. I wanted to know why I try each day a better person and be more Christ-like and there are people who don't try and are in "better situations" than I am. But that's here. On Earth. And earthly gain are NOTHING compared to what heavenly gains are. For you see, in my father's house their are many mansion. If it was not true, Jesus would not have said it. But He did. OH BUT HE DID! 

Before I was born God knew this was the life I would live, He had it all planned out. I made a few pitstops (mistakes) I found my way back to that path.  What I want may not align up with what God wants, so I don't get it. I have to learn to accept it & be okay with His plans for me.

Maybe I was meant to only have one child and that one child gets so much love from me it's ridiculous. Maybe that's what Avi needs (only God knows). I remember three years ago God placing me in this school and me thinking to myself "really, an elementary school?" I told myself that this would temporary yet I am still here. A parent that I get the chance to make a difference in a different child's life every day. Does a "normal mom" get to do that? I get a billion hugs and compliments each day. When my students hurt, I hurt. When they are sad, I am sad. Isn't that what a "normal mom" does? So biologically I have one child, but for 8 hours I am a mom to numerous students who I view as MINE. I would protect them just as I would Avi. If they fell and scraped their knee, I'd fix, just like I would Avi. If they needed a hug, I'd hug them, just like I would Avi. Just like I would my own son!

The movie didn't end how I imagined, like my life won't end how I planned it. But the movie taught me that there are people out there that have it way worse than I do. The fault in my stars was me being upset and hurt about my disease. Although there are no cure for either, it's not life threatening. Yes, the pain is unbearable some days. But that pain means I'm alive. Someone else with a disease wasn't so lucky. I get to see my son grow up and have kids (I'll be a grandma, haha). Someone else doesn't get that. I get to see thousands of kids excel and do great things. And that, my friends, is my silver lining in this dark cloud of chronic disease.

HYSTO- WHAT NOW?

At my doctor's appointment yesterday she told me that my right ovary seemed enlarged and she could a cyst on it. All I could think of was great, another thing wrong with me. I'm laying there in my own world while she talks about my uterus being tilted so far back... until I hear her say "it's a component of the endometriosis". 

It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Then I did. There was talk about removing ovaries and a hysterectomy. Hysterectomy isn't something a 27 year old wants to hear.

How could an "invisible" disease have so much power over a person's life? People don't see the physical aspects of it, so therefore those with it must be exaggerating, right?

WRONG.

I wish that I was exaggerating when I say things like it feels like there's a knife scraping my insides or that it feels like little bombs exploding, like I'm constantly going into labor. Peeing is a struggle for me, which feels like a life long UTI.


You can't see my pain because I hide it Everyday is a struggle for me. EVERY. DAY. I lay in bed each morning not wanting to get up, not because I want extra sleep but because I'm hurting. I get up and I get dressed. I put make-up on. I fix my hair. I go about my day with the biggest smile. The fakest smile. I literally have to laugh to stop myself from crying. 
I'm constantly wanting to puke. 
My bladder is constantly full- but that's due to the other disease, interstitial cystitis.
My kidneys hurt. 
Sometimes I'm so bloated I look 4-5 months pregnant.
It's not that I'm gaining weight, because I haven't. 
It's actually a component of the disease. 
Those times I just lay on the couch "being lazy" isn't laziness at all.
Its fatigue- a component of the disease.
My "crazy hormones" aren't really crazy.
It's the medicine that I take daily to balance it all out.

Yesterday was different. I no longer wanted to hide it. I no longer wanted to be ashamed. That was the straw that broke my hypothetical camel's back.... 

11 years ago, I didn't want kids. ANY KIDS. AT ALL. My grandma died. My best friend moved away. I contemplated suicide. Then Avion came along and my world was changed (for the better). Now I am faced with the possibility of me never bearing another child. What will my future husband think? Would he still love me? Would he leave me? Would he even propose? 

I began thinking about all the people who have multiple children and barely take care of them. How is that fair? I am not a perfect mom but I am a damn good one. How fair that I get one child who I sacrifice for on a daily basis, whom I put his needs before mine yet people are having kids to keep a person around or for more food stamps or a bigger income tax check? 

How fair is it that I will be spending a future Saturday with the man who donated sperm to create Avion, along with all of his other children, when there's a possibility I can't have another? He hasn't even seen Avi in about 8-9 years but I've been here day after day after day. Yet I'm the one who's punished?

I pondered all of these things yesterday while I cried on my couch. Then I thought, 11 years ago I didn't want to be a teacher either but God placed me on this path. Obviously He knew this would happen. This isn't new to Him. When I get my own classroom I will love each of those students as if they're my own child. There's always adoption. There's always god-children. 

Although I don't understand this at all, it's not my place to question God or His plans for my life.  It hurts. A LOT. Thinking about it overwhelms me to the point that tears fall. I could sit here in sulk in self-pity but that doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be in pain. So even in the midst of all this confusion I still trust in the Lord to see me through. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge to him, and he will direct your path." 

When it's all said and done I'll have an even greater testimony that could change a life. No matter what I will remain 100% faithful to God and maybe my faith will lead another to Christ. So in a sense, I'm giving life- which is kind of like having a baby, right? :)