I hardly ever speak about my biological father. For the most part it has to do with shame. I felt like I was burdened with him his mistakes. It's taken me some some time to actually get to a place to accept things. Our relationship hasn't been "good" since my grandma Dot died. I'll admit, I hated him. Back then I had hatred for quite a few people, God included. Not only did He take my Grandma but my daddy wasn't acting like a daddy anymore. No words can explain how that felt. I said a lot of things out of anger and hurt. Looking back, I wish I hadn't- but you live and you learn. I don't have "daddy issues". My mom married a man who has never once treated me as a step-daughter. And for the first 16 years of my life, my biological father could do no wrong in my eyes (of course he did, we all do).
A little over a year ago my daddy was locked up, the reason isn't important. At first I didn't care. Honestly, I had no remorse. One day I found myself writing him a long letter and cried with every word I wrote. Shockingly, he responded. Then I responded... so on and so on.
My daddy has never been a praying man. Or at least I've never thought of him in that way. The only time he came to church was on Christmas and Easter... probably because I was on the program. Back then it wasn't important to me that he wasn't there. I kinda wished I could have only showed up those two days. I don't remember my daddy saying he'd pray for me when I was going through something. I don't remember him tucking me in and praying with me. I don't remember him bowing his head at dinnertime. Even on those occasional Sundays at church I can't remember him closing his eyes as the pastor did alter call. I'm not saying he didn't do those things, I'm saying I don't remember. Over the past few months in our letters to each other we have said we'd pray for each other. No biggie, right? It's a BIG deal to me when you've never heard your daddy say he'd pray FOR you and WITH you after you've told him something you're struggling with...
Today, I read a letter from him. Nothing out of the ordinary. At first. As I got to the end of the letter, he told me he had been struggling with something (in a previous letter he asked what I thought he should do). When I wrote him back to respond to that letter I simply said, "Let it go and let God handle it. Don't worry and He'll give you peace." In today's letter he said the same day he wrote that letter to me and mailed it, he laid down and prayed to God about that situation. When he woke up the next morning God had given him the answers (before he even got my letter). You have no idea what an amazing feeling it is to have read that. I've never heard my daddy speak of God. Of course, all people "find Jesus" behind bars- as if He was non-existent in the "free world". As I neared the end of the letter my dad wrote "P.S: She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. -Proverbs 31:26"
Before I knew it, I was sitting here in tears. If that is not God, what is?! This time of year is hard for me due to it being my Grandma Dot's favorite time of the year and her birthday being Christmas Eve. I've also been struggling with other things. Reading that is what I needed. My daddy didn't know that. And I'm 1000% sure he had no idea of where to go in the Bible for that verse. He couldn't Google "what is something nice to say to my daughter?". There's not an app for that...
IT WAS GOD! The Lord knew my needs. He knew what I needed to see and knew that it would be a great and powerful message coming from my daddy. I'm completely and utterly overwhelmed right now...
Maybe when my daddy gets out of jail our relationship will go right back to what it was before he went in- hell. Then again, maybe he has changed back to the daddy I used to know and love. Either way, right here, right now this is what we BOTH need. He needs to be behind those bars STUDYING the word of God and send me messages. I need to be able to say how I feel and vent (even through a letter) and not be afraid of what my daddy will say/think. Our strained relationship needed this time.
