Heaven is for Real... For Real.

A week ago my pastor's wife asked me if I had ever read the book "Heaven is For Real". I told her I had seen the movie but never read the book. She handed me the book and told me I had to read it. She then went on to explain there was a "catch". Once I was done with the book I had to pass it on to someone else, as a saint challenge. I just finished the book. One word: amazing! The movie didn't do this book justice. Some parts of this book gave me chills. It opened up my eyes to a lot of questions that I've always had. I've believed in God for as long as I can remember. As I have grown older my faith "intensified", or so I thought, until I read this book. 

In the book after Colton had his experience he constantly told his parents about his experience in heaven. He was matter-of-fact with each revelation. How awesome is to know that there is Someone greater than us who already has our lives planned. A wonderful life if we just accept Him. Go to Him dirty and let him cleanse us? One part of the story a rainbow appears in the sky. Colton's parents call him outside to see it and he says "cool, I prayed for it last night". WOW! He prayed for it and got it. The Bible tell us that we have not because we ask not. So why would we not ask God for something, believe He'll give it and don't think twice or worry about it? 

I just told God that I wanted a God fearing husband to complete our family. Instead of going out to look for him, I will let God answer that prayer. I believe that He will send him to me. I can't wait!

When we are younger we tell our parents we are hungry and expect them to feed us, without worry. We ask for things we want, without worry. We went to sleep and woke up, without worries. We went throughout our day- without one single worry. Why is as we grow older and our faith grows we lose that worry free faith? Child-like faith. If you haven't read this book I highly suggest you go get it. savor it. The one I read has a guide at the back that I want to devour, however I am passing the book a long to one of the ladies in my class who told me a story of child almost dying while she was driving home one night. She had to stop her car and pull over giving him cpr in the backseat while his little body turned purple and cold. It brought tears to my eyes. Lucky for her, her son recovered. Three weeks later I was given this book to read and pass along... That's God for sure! 

I'm going to buy the book for myself, as well as for my son so we can read it together and both learn to have (and keep) that unwavering child like faith in the Lord.

Vulnerability

One of the main reasons why relationships don't last these days is because we're too afraid to be be vulnerable with our significant others. Men are too afraid to show affection and love. Women are too busy trying to show their independence...

I was once (still am) the latter. I have this sense of pride that doesn't always allow me to ask for help when I actually need it. I want a man to know that I don't need him. That I can get by just fine without him. It finally hit me that a man wants to feel needed, as do I. I've always been too afraid to be open with people. So here's my vulnerable side because maybe, just maybe the man that's going to give me his last name will stumble upon this blog and read this post...

• I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously. Those first few minutes before my eyes adjust after the lights go out are the worse (for me). And when I'm in the bathroom and turn the lights off before I open the door, I panic (because I think of "Bloody Mary").
• When something is funny, really funny, to me and I laugh hard, really hard, I fart (gasp). 
• I hate chocolate but I love white chocolate.
• I hate being outdoors because I don't like to smell like "outside" when I come in... however before I die I want to have a romantic picnic under the stars- possibly on the back of a tailgate.
• I like watching people sleep.
• I'm afraid of failure. I think the world will stop and point.
• I'm afraid that when I'm walking down the aisle on my wedding day that I'll fall and the back of my dress will rip.
• I have always wanted to run into a guy's arm and have him pick me up then spin me around.
• I want to sing duets with my future hubby on the highway.
• I want to take goofy family photos.
• I want to paint every room in my house a different colors.
• I want to live in the country. With horses. And a pig. Maybe a sheep.
• I fall in love quickly- but I hardly ever say it.
• I like to be held at night- even when I say I don't. And there will be LOTS of times I say I don't want to be held. Hold me anyway.
• When I have a bad day I take a long shower and cry. Hard. Like really hard- snotty nose and all.
• I say I don't want more kids but truth is, I'm afraid that this disease (IC/Endo) will take over my life and I won't be able to... so I try to convince myself that I don't want them.
• I used to force myself to throw up. No one ever figured it out. I even wrote a book about it. No one ever read it.
• After I retire from teaching, I want to open up my own restaurant.
• My favorite color is pink. And green. And teal. And brown but only in the fall.
• My undies have to match my shirt or pants.
• Blood makes me queasy.
• I want my future husband to leave me sticky notes in random places. 
• I want to learn how to tie ties so that I can tie them for my husband.
• I'm afraid of death- not because of where I will go but because I'll be leaving Avion without a parent.
• But the biggest thing is that I'm afraid that I don't have a soulmate... so the majority of those things won't ever happen....

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

I'm taking another break from Facebook. I honestly think that God is trying to speak to me but the "noise" from Facebook is overpowering my stillness. Yesterday He said "I help those who help themselves, so should you". So I'm stepping back from those that I am constantly helping or putting effort into and getting NOTHING in return. Either they will miss me and put forth  the effort or I'll realize they were just another "season."

This morning I was in my closet grabbing shoes, looked up and seen a note I wrote (and taped) to the closet wall. It's more of a list of qualities I want in a husband. This has been hanging up for quite a while and never had it gotten my attention like it did this morning. I believe it was once again God speaking to me. You see, last night I laid down and began praying. I prayed for my family and friends. I thanked God for my blessings, asked for His forgiveness for my sins. I told him I wanted to be a better person for myself, for Him, for Avi, for my family, for my friends, for my Boaz-worthy future husband (if you don't know Boaz, go read the book of Ruth in the Bible). Then I paused asked God if there was something wrong with me. I contemplated settling for him and his happiness so that I wouldn't have to be lonely. So that I'd have someone to talk to each night before bed, someone to text me "good morning" or "just thinking about you, have a nice day". Why can't I just have "it" for once...

Rewind to this morning, as I am reaching for shoes on my shoe rack, and I see the "Hubby List". God was saying "Why should you settle for anything less than what is on this list?" I thought why in the HECK am I praying for a man who doesn't love me when I could be using that prayer for something else?! After all, the Bible CLEARLY says in Genesis 1:27 that I was made in the image of HIM!!! At the beginning of His Word, He says that (and repeats it). I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that guy, those guys, or him... they are absolutely made for someone else- just not me.

I can't be unequally yoked with a man simply because I am lonely.  What kind of life would that be? True, I wouldn't be lonely, but would I be happy? Absolutely not. Maybe for a while but later down the road would I find myself waiting for the kids to go off to college so that I can leave that man I decided to start a family with knowing we were a match from hell?

Do I like being single? Nope. Not. At. All. I HATE IT! What? You thought I was going to say "oh yes, absolutely love my freedom of being single." Well then that'd be a lie and this honesty blog would be pointless. I once read somewhere that you should love someone so much that they feel free. So if you're with someone and you don't feel free- LEAVE. No, that's not giving you permission to go cheat (you should leave if you want to cheat) but you shouldn't feel tied down in your relationship. You should be able to hang with friends (and he with his) yet come back together at the end of the day/night and be at peace in their arms. I didn't feel like that in my last relationship (that's a later blog post).

So what is it that I want in man? Let me just tell you!

• GOD FEARING
• Goes to church (with us- his family)
• Prays WITH me and FOR me.
• FAMILY ORIENTED
• Puts nothing/no one before us (besides God, of course)
• Treats Avi as his own (or deal is o-f-f!!!)
• Makes time for us
•  at least one day/night a week
• Wants to get married
• not like tomorrow, or next year, but it has to be a goal for him.
• Wants children
• even if adopted (since I may not be able to birth more)
• PRIORITIES
• Has a degree
• or is working towards one
• eager for education
• Own car
• Doesn't have to be fancy...
• Own place to live
• No you can NOT move in with me!
• Pays own bills
• If your mom is paying your bills, what can you do for me? The bible says a MAN leads his household- not a man's mom!
• EXTRAS
• Always has to kiss me goodnight
• No going to bed mad.
• Always tells/shows he loves me DAILY.
• Compliments me on a regular basis.
• Yes, I know my worth but it's nice to feel wanted :)
• Checks to see how my day is going
• Phone call or text
• Goes to my doctor's appointments with me
• Nothing worse than sitting in a cold exam room alone in tears
• NEVER GIVES UP ON ME. NEVER EVER!
• Love me when it hurts, that's when I need it the most!

I don't think these things are too much to ask for. I am willing to put in 100% to someone who is willing to do the same. When I love, I love hard. It's for real. It's pure. It's genuine. I expect that same love in return. Period. I can't settle. I won't settle. My Boaz is somewhere in this world being prepped by God specifically for me and the thought of that will get me through these lonely times.

...and the one good thing about this single life? It's easy for my oath of celibacy!