Memory Lane

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

This quote could not be more true! Today, I was sitting in the carpool line and I had my MP3 connected to my car. It was on a random shuffle but all of the songs played were songs that reminded me of the past. I began to wonder "what if". A lot of what if's came to mind. For a minute I began to miss the past, or at least the good memories.
What if I had stayed with someone that broke my heart time & time again and thought "I'm sorry" would fix it.
What if I had of never gotten pregnant with Avi?
What if I would have gotten to my Grandma's house a little bit earlier that morning, would she still be here?

All of those questions but not one single answer...

On the other hand, all of those heartbreaks from him made me realize what I deserved and since then I have refused to settle for less than someone's EVERYTHING. It made me realize that "I'm sorry" and "I love you" could bandage that pain for a while but... NOTHING EVER GETS HEALED IF YOU KEEP IT COVERED UP! And if I hadn't of had Avi, would I be this motivated? This driven? I wouldn't have those eyes to look into. That annoying laugh to make me shake my head. That raspy voice that gives me a headache. That soul that looks up to me and loves me- even when I'm at my worst. What if I had of gotten to my Grandma's house earlier? Maybe she would still be here- but wouldn't she also still be suffering? Who would want that for a loved one?!

Hmmm... I guess I do have some answers. But none of those is THE answer.

On a really bad day I still wish my Grandma was here to hug me & tell me everything was okay. When nothing seems to go my way and I feel like I am sinking I think "maybe Avi deserves a better mom than me..." When someone asks "how old is your son?" and I say 8 then they come back with "you look a little too young for and 8 year old, are you married?"--> I start to ask myself "why couldn't you have looked the other way when she called his phone? After all he did get you a ring..."

^^Those are my what if days. Those two words. Two small words. Such a big meaning. Powerful meaning. What. If. What if? Who knows?! Whatever happens will happen. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. I believe that God gave me Avi for a reason. A reason I may never understand since I was 17, but a reason non-the-less. That child allowed me to mature- something I don't think I would have done so quickly had he not been here. So what? I am 25 with a child and I'm not married?! I'd rather be a single mom until my dying day if that means not settling for someone who doesn't have the same mindset and faith as I do. Do I miss my Grandma? Every. Single. Day. But I know with every breath I take that she is in heaven smiling down on me. When I mess up and feel like crap- that's her making me feel guilty until I make things right.

CONFESSION: Sometimes I miss the past so much it hurts. I'll lay in bed or stand in the shower just reminiscing. It's okay to visit the past, just remember it's a visit- you can't stay there. You can't let "what if's" consume you. What's meant to be will always be.

Patience

"They talked about Jesus and look at what he became..."

I can not count how many times my grandma Dot said ^that^ to me. I would call her crying about what people said about me. I remember I went to her in tears about someone saying I have a big forehead. She looked me dead in the eyes and said "God gave you a big brain so he had to make your forehead bigger so it could fit." I believed her. I still do believe that statement. She also told me "its not what they call me but what I answer to that counts." I've been called stupid, but the two college degrees and BPOC say other wise. I've been called ugly but I the Bible tells me I'm made in God's image. What a beautiful creature indeed! I've been called a bad mother but Avi has never went without the things he needs. He pretty much has all he wants too. Not to mention he's been at the top of his class since his daycare days. I've been called fat but that just an opinion. Am I Victoria Secret model thin? Nope. I have "love handles" and one stomach roll that refuses to leave no matter what. Food is my weakness. But I don't care. That arm fat simply means that I am blessed with meals someone, somewhere isn't.
MY PAST.
Not something I'm proud of. I've made my share of mistakes. Some I'm not proud of. But each made me who I am. I had my son my senior year in high school at the age of 17.  I went from one bad relationship to another looking for a love I felt I needed. No regrets though. Without all of that I doubt I would be so close to God now. In order to have a testimony, the test comes first (look at the spelling). Someone told me they see what I post on Facebook but they know who I used to be. Key word: used. I know who I used to be too. But I've asked the Lord to forgive me. He has. I can't live in my past. I can't hold onto it either. I can't let my past dictate my future or I'll be in the same place. Who I was and who I am are two different people. Both of those are far from who I will be.
MY PRESENT
I am working on being better in every aspect of my life. Do I fail? Daily. But I ask for help from Him. I pray for patience- which is the HARDEST prayer. If you're gonna pray for it be willing and ready to go through some things. Trust me, I've been going through a lot. I guess I thought it'd get easier as a Christian but its harder. Only because the devil works harder to pull me back. Luckily, I have faith. Even at my lowest state I have faith. Because of it the Lord continues to show me His faithfulness.
MY FUTURE
Grounded in the Lord. I don't know where He'll take me but I'm ready! So the next time you want to judge me, base it off of the person I am at that moment not yesterdays or years agos. Better yet don't judge me at all. You don't know everything I've been through. You don't know my prayers to God. Be patient with me, He's not through with me yet.

Ice Cream

Question: is it better to love someone and lose or  never love someone who doesn't feel the same as you?

Answer: Fairy tales don't always come true.

If a person loves you, I mean really loves you, they WILL fight for you. Fight through the good. Fight through the bad. Fight through the mood swings. Fight through the ups. Fight through the downs. Fight when they feel there's no fight left. That is what love is. A fight. When you find "the one" there's no way you'll be able to leave. Neither will they. Its easy to settle for Mr. Right Now. But if that's not the person God intends for you to be with it won't work. That doesnt mean it'll be peaches and cream... More like rocky road. But that's still a good ice cream choice!
Don't settle for just anyone because you want that love feelings... In the end it'll just be hurt feelings.

Confession: Loving someone who doesn't love you is like waiting for a ship at the airport. Completely pointless. You can only fight for a relationship if the other person is willing to get in the ring & fight for it too.

Material Things

You drive a nice car with shiny rims? I have small boobs. Oh, I thought we were naming irrelevant things...

^Thats how I feel when people, mostly guys, brag about what they have. I hate when a boy tells me what they can do (or have done) for me. All of the things a boy can do for me I can darn sure do for myself. Sure, unexpected gifts ands surprise dates are great but I'm okay with the simple things. Give me a MAN that will get in the kitchen and cook with me (even if its just mac&cheese) and I'm hooked. A little one on one time watching movies on the couch (cell phones on silent).

Gentlemen: a way to a woman's heart is not throwing money at her. The best thing you can spend on/with a woman is TIME! Its irreplaceable.
Women: a way to a man's heart is not between your legs. Have standards. If he loves you he'll wait. He'll work twice as hard to show you.

Notice I said gentleman and women. There's a difference between them and girls & boys. Don't get them confused.

I don't care how much money you have in the bank neither how much you're willing to spend on me. None of that matters if you don't wanna spend time with me or willing to fight for me!

Baby Mama

Baby Mama<-- I absolutely hate those words.

"Who are you?"  "Oh I'm so and so's baby mama".
"Oh that's my baby mama- we just cool."

What real WOMAN would accept that title? Not me. Its plain out ignorant. Am I with my sons biological father? No. Am I just his baby's mama? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm nothing to him (as he is to me). However, I am Avion's mother. I have enjoyed being a single mother. Crazy, I know.  But I've never been that girl who would constantly sleep with a guy to keep him around. I've never been that girl that uses her child to keep the father coming back. I've never been that girl that is okay with the father of my child cheating or having multiple kids by other females. Nope... I've always been that WOMAN who knew her worth. "I come first." Ha. How about "I'm the only one... No seconds or thirds. Just me!" A real woman knows she deserves this and will refuse to allow her child's father to run in and out of the kid's life.

Do I want a family? Of course. But its going to be with a God fearing man willing to be with me AND ONLY ME. A man willing to put a ring on my finger and make me more than a "baby mama".

Confession: So many times I've wanted to hate Avion's biological father. Hate him for leaving me to raise him alone. Hate him for blaming me. Then I think of all I have accomplished. Every tear I cried made me work that much harder. Every night I had to get up to feed him or change diapers made me that much more responsible. Each time Avi hugs/kisses me makes me love him more. I selfishly don't want to share him and glad he's all mine. I've been trying to teach Avi about life- ironically, he's teaching me how to live!

Marriage

People keep asking me when I'm gonna get married or have more kids. My answer has been and will be "when I'm ready". Not only that but also when the Lord puts it on my heart. It makes no sense to get married "just because".
Just because I'm getting older.
Just because I have a child.
Just because its the right thing.
Just because my friends are.
I love you girls but I'm not rushing down the aisle so I won't be the only single one. Nope. Not me. It'll happen when its supposed to happen. I'm not the 'settling' type. I want it all. I deserve it. I also deserve a MAN that thinks I'm worth it. I'm a fighter. So I need a man who's willing to get in the ring and fight with me... For us. For Avi.
You see, when you get me you get a special deal: 2 for 1. If a man can't accept my son, why would I want him? I've been a single parent and although its hard its not impossible.
I don't want any surprises once I am married. Therefore I want to get everything out in the open before hand. I don't want to be married for a couple of years then realize my husband has a secret addiction or likes to hit me. How will I explain that to my son? I've been hurt before... I know what a broken heart feels like so I'll be damned if I'm gonna be the reason Avi has one.
The Bible talks about being equally yoked. I don't need a man who doesn't love God as much as me. I need someone who'll go to church WITH us, as a family. Someone not afraid to do mission work for others. The devil is everywhere... So I need a man who understands that and keeps his eyes open.
I'm not the prettiest, skinniest, tallest, smartest, nicest woman in the world. But when I love- I love hard. I love with all I have. Am I perfect? Heck no. But each day I try to get that much closer to the woman the Lord intends for me to be. They say you know the moment you meet someone that you're gonna marry them. If that's true I haven't met that guy yet. But I'm not discouraged. In fact I'm relieved. Who's to say I won't be married by this time next year? If I am, great. If not, even better. It'll happen on God's time. Which means it'll last a lifetime. Divorce isn't an option. I'll take my vows to heart: til death do us part. There's no fighting then leaving. That's the problem with most couples... But it won't be that way with me. That's why I'll wait until the Lord sees fit for me to marry.

Daddy...

Last Sunday I finally went to visit my biological father in jail. (pause for dramatic gasps)
I was nervous about the whole ordeal. I worked in a jail for over a year. I've know people in jail yet I have never once visited anyone. Never thought that I would. In fact, I told myself that I wouldn't visit him. He made his bed so he should have to lay in it, right? I was happy to see him and sad to leave. He looked like his old self. Like the daddy I knew when I was a kid...
I also refused to write him at first. But then I did. I wrote four pages of feelings that I had been harboring inside for almost 10 years. TEN YEARS! That's how long it's almost been since my Grandma passed.
Back to Ronnie...
Four pages of feelings.
Thoughts.
Fears.
I must admit that when I put it in the mailbox to be delivered I was afraid. I didn't even expect him to respond. But he did. Then I responded back. And we've been communicating every since. When I went to visit him I drove over an hour for only 20 minutes. Crazy, huh? Not exactly. I had been praying for him. Praying for us. You see, I am trying to change- for the better. I want to be able to teach Avi how to live in God's light by me living that way myself. How can I teach him about love and respect (for his parents) when I am harboring hatred myself?
And hatred for him is an understatement. I hated him for many reasons.
I'm not a girl with "daddy issues". But I did resent him. I have trust issues. I've never been in a relationship where there was a 100% trust.  I'm not saying that he's to blame... The guys gave me reasons but thats for a later blog post. My dad let me down. At a time when I needed him the most he wasn't around. Thinking back... Maybe he needed me too. Yes, I had lost my grandmother. The person who'd been my best friend for years. But he had lost his mother. So maybe we're both to blame. Fact is he's still my father. I still love him. I still have to do what's in God's word. And knowing this now... I feel relieved.
I am at peace with my relationship with my dad.

Confession:  At one point over these past 10 years I wondered if I would cry if my dad had died. I remember thinking once that I wouldn't. I told myself that I wouldn't even care. I prayed that the Lord would take that feeling away. That was the devil.

Heartbroken

I knew it was coming.
It was supposed to happen over 6 months ago. I knew that. But it didn't hurt any less seeing it. The house I grew up in. The house that was my second home. My safe haven. My grandma's house...

Disappointment.
Pain.
Anger.
Sad.
Hurt.
Relieved.
Feelings I feel at the very moment.

Does this means she's finally at peace? No more bad people coming in/out of the house SHE made a home. I hope so. I really hope so.