I Can Only Imagine

My social media fast has been going great. Seriously. The other night I found myself sitting crossed legged on my bed in tears. I bet you're wondering,  "how is that great?" Let me tell you...

I was so stressed out about my homework. Which is usually the time I'll get on Facebook to "chill out" for a little while. But then a little while turns into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours into sleep. Yes, THAT bad. How awful?! I would wake up and realized I didn't finish my work and the next day I'd be rushing to finish before a deadline...

However that night it was different. I got into my usual stressed out phase. I began to feel fear. Fear that I wouldn't make the grade that I wanted. Fear that I would fail. I'm so close to this degree and I have never wanted something so bad in my life that I'm afraid something will go wrong. I've been waiting for it to happen so that internal voice will whisper "I told you so, it was too good to be true..." The harder I try, the more self doubt I have in myself. That night I closed my books. Closed me eyes... and called on Him. I took "self" out of the equation & I prayed. I told God I was tired of being so afraid- of myself. I was tired of waiting for the bad. I was tired of self doubt. I let Him know that I knew He didn't give me the spirit of fear but of wisdom. I told Him that in that moment of anxiety, stress, fear, confusion, and doubt I was giving this semester to Him. This semester and any that follows. I gave God my all, left it at His feet. I cried. Not my typical tears of sadness. These tears were of joy and hope. In that moment this amazing feeling came over me and I heard Him say "Let go and let me" and I did just that! As I sit here now, I feel those same joyous tears coming up inside. What better peace than that of the Lord? No other person could have given me that, not even myself. 

This third degree will help me in so many ways but it doesn't define who I am. It doesn't define my character. When I get to heaven He's not going to say anything about those degrees or my BPOC. He's not going to care what my GPA was. He won't care that I didn't make that A on that presentation. However, He will care as to where my faith lies- and it's ALL in Him. I have a wonderful support system with my family. If I have any questions, the staff at the school I work at are more than happy to help me. But NONE of them could ever measure up to God. He gave his only son for me. For you. For the world, for Pete's sake! Who else could have done that? Not me. If it was up to me sacrificing Avi, this world would have remained a dying world. I think about His goodness and it give me chills! Even when I am in the mist of self doubt, He believes in me. He knows where I am headed- even if I don't (Jerm 29:11). With him all things are possible (Phil.4:13). 

One of these days this world will come crumbling down. 

The dead in Christ will rise up to heaven first, then the rest in Christ shall follow. 

I don't know if I'll be one of the first or the latter.

 But what I do know that it's not you LIVE but how you DIE. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to make it to heaven. 

I can only imagine what it will be like to see my Grandma Dot again.

 I can only imagine what it'll be like to never again feel stress, anxiety, self doubt, or fear. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to never feel hunger or thirst, to never have to fight lines in Walmart. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to hear Him say "Well done" & to bow at His feet!

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...

Accountability

My first day of my "Fasting For God" (from social media) went good. There were times when I was bored and wanted to sign in to Facebook to "browse" but I fought back the urge. When I woke up Sunday morning instead of getting on FB, I read and studied my Sunday School lesson. I actually had time to write down the answers to the questions from the lesson. During the week I normally get out of bed and go sit on the couch and watch the news while I am on (you guessed it) FACEBOOK. This morning I put the news on silence and studied my Bible plans then did some yoga. I wasn't so good at that...

It's only been a little over 24 hours and I have already been feeling better. I've been able to to talk to God freely without any distractions. No notifications while I am in church learning more about His word. It's been great. I know that He has so much more planned to me and one month won't allow all of that to come to light, HOWEVER it's a start.

I could have continued to make excuses and be upset/frustrated about my circumstances instead I decided to do something positive about it. I have came up with ideas to handle other obstacles I've been facing as well... I learned that I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I have to be held accountable for things that I say or do. Be held accountable for my thoughts. My actions.

In today's world accountability is lacking. Instead of parents allowing their children to deal with the consequences of their actions, they make excuses. Instead of giving the grade that is due teachers allow more time for students who refuse to do work on time.

How does that help?

What does that show them?

It does more harm than help.

I know that the life that I live isn't 100% perfect- no one's is (if you think that, you're in for a rude awakening). I made excuses in the past for things. I used the "so and so is doing it, so can I" excuse. But what exactly is that doing for me? NOTHING. Nothing. At. All. The only thing it's doing is making me feel okay for that moment, but when darkness falls...

I also know that I am trying. Trying soooo hard. I mess up. But I fess up as well. God doesn't want perfection, He wants progression. I can honestly say that I am progressing. Lord only knows the thoughts I thought 5-10 years ago. I chalk it up to being Him. ALL HIM. Lost is where I'd be without him.I don't need likes on Facebook or someone to double tap pictures on instagram to feel validated, the Lord does that for me!

Fasting For God

This semester definitely hasn't been the best. SOOOO MUCH going wrong. I could question God. I could give up. But I haven't. I'm not even sure why I haven't. I've cried at least twice a week for the past few weeks.

The very first day of school my dad was supposed to go to court to see about his case. I wrote him a long letter that I cried with each word. I sent it two days before he was supposed to go. Then I didn't hear back from him. NOTHING. I was afraid that the news he heard was bad and he had did something dumb. I was a nervous wreck. I kept it inside (what's new). Today I finally heard from him- court was cancelled but his faith wasn't altered. THANK YOU JESUS! The final lines in his letter "God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

Avion started acting out in school. His grades dropped (but he's still a straight A student).

The drive to and from school three days a week is taking a toll on my gas tank. The way to school isn't bad. The way back is when the tears come. It seems so small because it's just a 20 minute ride but all of these thoughts come to mind and doubt sets in. Stress arises. Tears fall...

The school's fundraiser is here (which I'm over). The fundraiser guy said "you have to make the school at least $30,000 for it to be a 'good' fundraiser..." Talk about two weeks of pressure!

Avi's class Valentine's party is approaching- which I'm planning. His basketball tourney is coming, which means bball is coming to an end. Which also means that soccer is starting.

I've been struggling with my weight and other insecurities. Yes, I said it- INSECURITIES.

It's like I'm constantly on go, taking care of everyone. Making sure everyone else is happy. But am I? Not really. Not. At. All. So now I'm here. February 1, 2014. I have decided to go on a fast from social media- Facebook and Instagram. I tend to overindulge in those two when I am feeling down. Instead it's time I pick up a Bible or fall on my knees and pray. Don't get me wrong, I read my Bible and I pray but here lately those two have taken over my life. So for February I am focusing on my relationship with God- nothing else. If others suffer or aren't happy, so be it. I need to feel like I have a purpose in life and I'm not feeling that right now. I know that this month may not bring God's purpose to life, however I believe that He will show me signs. He will allow me to feel again. I haven't "felt" in a while. I've walked around in numbness. Sadness. Anxiety. No more! I'm a child of God. Why should I ever feel as if I have no purpose? I was made in His image. Wonderfully. Fearlessly. It's time I started acting like it again. I would say I'll write in this blog each day, but I won't. However during this month-long journey I will try to come back and tell you how it's going. I don't consider this social media because I don't indulge in it as much as the other two. Maybe when I have that "ahaaa" moment and "find myself" I'll write. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll sit there in tears giving thanks to Him. Who knows?!