Why would God allow this to happen to me?

Psalm 138:8 ensures me that the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me. But I will be the first one to admit when things get rough it's hard for me to remember that. I begin to question my purpose. In fact, I'm in a season of my life where I am unsure of so many things. When I started this blog I said I'd be completely with those that read it. So here's some brutal honesty...

For the past two years I've struggled with depression, pretty much silently- except for my doctor knowing. It wasn't until recently that I began sharing it with close friends. The depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide ran across my mind. It was hard to comprehend the things going on in my life. It was tough to know that I was trying SO HARD to be a part of God's program yet so much bad was happening. I stepped out of so many comfort zones. I became a Sunday school teacher for crying out loud! I began helping on the culinary committee at our church. I became the announcement clerk. 

YET STILL SO MUCH BAD IS COMING MY WAY.

I mean, I would be perfectly fine throughout the day. Smiling and making small talk with others. But when night came and I was all alone in my bed those thoughts would creep in. 

"You're a failure". 
"You're a bad mom."
"You're almost 30 and still single."
"Who would want to marry you anyway".
"You're clothes don't fit, lose weight."
"Still haven't graduated, what's talking so long?"

The list goes on. Sometimes I would start saying my favorite scriptures, other times I would begin to pray (and cry) out loud. However there were those times when the devil would get so loud that my prayer would be for the Lord to take me at that very moment. As shocking as that may be for some of you to read, it's how some depressed people are. We have the ability to hold it together in front of people but it's an act. My depression reminded me of my endo. It's there, no one can see the scars because they're internal BUT THEY ARE REAL. And it hurts. A lot.

I asked the Lord to take away those things and people that were distracting me from Him. Some of the things/people He has taken hurt. Some were unexpected. I felt embarrassed at some of the things. "What would people say?" "What would they think?" Here I am, paying almost $600 ($700, if you count the gas) a month for a car that I don't really like but others think is cool and compliment me for driving. Really? Missing out on things because the car note is outrageous. Not always paying my tithes and offerings because I needed that money for gas. Yeah, it's safe to say that the Lord truly humbled me. What profits a man to gain the whole world yet lose his soul?

I'm the only one of my friends without a boyfriend or a husband. Lately, I have found myself wondering why. Sometimes I wonder why God hasn't allowed a guy to fall in love with me- and that hurts. I look around, seeing how so many women mistreat the father's of their child(ren) yet that man will remain so faithful to her. I wonder why I am left to raise my son on my own? There's a lot that I can't teach him, so why hasn't God sent me a husband and Avion a father? I'm realizing that I have to process these feelings through the filter of God’s love not through the broken pieces of my heart. When I process things through the broken pieces, often the outcome is, "If God loves me so much, why would He allow this happen to me?" But when I process it through the filter of the absolute assurance of God’s love, the outcome is, "God loves me so much therefore I have to trust why He is allowing this to happen."

Over the past week, I could feel the depression creeping back in. And since I'm being honest, it made me question my purpose once again. Last night I laid in bed praying that the Lord would reveal the purpose for my current season and circumstances. I wanted to know why things were happening to me when I am trying so hard to be on the right path? Pastor A once said "the devil comes after you when you're trying to get out of sin, not when you're living in it. So you have to make sure that you stay clothed in His armor."  Truth is, I wasn't. If I was then there would be nothing that the devil could throw my way and make me feel so depressed and unworthy. There is nothing that I could ever do or say to make the Lord love me any more or any less. 

Last night was rough for me. I was texting a friend, telling I was ready to give up. Although the tears that normally come didn't fall, the feeling of emptiness was there. This morning on my way to work I began to talk to the Lord. The one thing that kept popping into my head was "Have you considered my servant Job?" It's what the Lord asked Satan in Job 1:8. Satan wanted to destroy someone who served God to show that once all the good was removed that person would turn away from the Lord. In Job 2:9 his wife asks him if he's still remaining faithful to the Lord, then she says "Curse God and die." But Job didn't. He held on. In Job 42:12 the Bible says that the Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life. Because he kept his faith, Job was rewarded with more than he had before the devil stepped in. 

When I made it to work a co-worker came into my classroom and gave me a gift. It's a devotional for for women and how to make a battle plan for prayer. I NEEDED THAT. TODAY. AT THAT MOMENT. A student came in and said "Ms. McCurdy, quiz me on my time tables. I can say them in under two minutes." And he did. And I celebrated with him. We jumped up and down and high-fived. If the Lord had taken me either of those times that I asked him then I wouldn't be able to enjoy that moment with my student. I wouldn't have been able to feel like my purpose was being fulfilled. Isaiah 55:8-9, "‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’" This season isn't for me to understand, but instead to walk through with my head held high knowing the the Lord will provide. Because He always does. ALWAYS.

Invisible Pain

What is endometriosis? What about interstitial cystitis? Those are questions I'm often asked when people wonder what's wrong with me. What are they to me? Well...

Its smiles to hide pain.
Its bloating.
Its "how far along are you?"
Its tears.
Its wacky hormones.
Its "these damn pants don't fit."
Its laying in bed.
Its exhaustion.

Its cranberry juice and water.
Its hormone therapy.

Its spice-less food.
Its going to the bathroom constantly.
Its morning pep talks to get out of bed.
Its being out of "spoons" before noon.
Its like walking around in labor.
Its stop-what-your're-doing contraction like pain.
Its "there's a chainsaw in my vagina."
Its middle of the night sweats.
Its being 28 years old having menopause like symptoms.
Its wondering if you'll have children again.
Its unbearable periods that feel like death.
Its like tiny people living on your insides constantly at war.
Its praying for the pain to subside so you can fall asleep.
Its heating-pads and pain pills.
Its walking around like your uterus is about to fall out.

Its the fetal position.
Its nausea. 

Its praying for a cure.
Its UTI after UTI.
Its being poked with needles.
It's biopsy after biopsy.
Its "pee in this cup so I can check your bladder and kidneys."
Its "does it hurt when I push here?"
Its sitting in the shower crying so that others can't see or hear.
Its walking with a limp.
Its stretchy pants and big shirts.

Its life-changing.
Its life-altering.

It's an invisible disease that no one believes unless they are going through it themselves or knows someone who is. It's not a woman being lazy or crazy. She's not "just on her period".  There is no cure. NONE. Hystorectomys aren't the answer. Removing ovaries doesn't solve the problem.