A Letter To My Son

Dear son,

I wish that I could say I know how you feel but the truth is I don't. I don't know how it feels to not have that fatherly bond because I'v been blessed with two of them. I'm a woman, so there is a lot that I can never teach you, like how to stand up and pee (that was a question for Poppa). I can tell you about the birds and the bees but there will be questions that I still cannot answer. I won't know how it feels when you have your first broken heart because of some silly girl. 

But I am your mother. I carried you inside of me for 9 months (eh, more like 8, you decided you were done baking a month early). I felt you live on my inside and now I watch live on my outside. I watched you pee on the side of the toilet cause neither of knew how to aim. I've waited in front of doors so that you would learn to to open them for women. I have given you stern looks when you burp so that you say excuse me afterwards. I've made you sit out on the sidelines of games for not doing your school work, not to embarrass you but to build character.

I'm here. I will always be here. I will laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny or the ones I don't understand. I will be your number one fan, and even when you don't win, you'll always be my MVP. When your heart breaks because of that silly girl I'll be there to make your favorite meal. When you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them (or Google, cause that's what we do best).

His absence is not a bad thing. He is not a bad person. You are not a bad child. The Lord had these plans for each our lives before we were even born. I won't allow you to let this dim your light because of this pain. You are wanted. You are loved. You were born for a reason. For a purpose. You have a destiny that is so much greater than this moment of your life. Cry if you must, that's what my shoulder is for. That's why they made Kleenex. But despite your current circumstances- refuse to sink, my son, refuse to sink!

Allow these insecurities about not knowing him motivate you. Push yourself harder. Push yourself to accomplish goals despite of his absence. You asked me if I thought you could be POTUS, when I said yes- I meant it. Work for that. Mama wants to know what it's like to walk the halls of The White House. Continue to make good grades and excel in sports. He may never make it to a game but I will always be there to cheer you and embarrass you from the sideline. Sometimes we expect things from people that they don't to give. Let his absence go and allow yourself to grow.

Love, 
Mama

Existing.

"To live is the most rarest thing in the world. Most people Just exist." -Oscar Wilde

Existing. 

That's what I've been doing for about a month now. I feel like I'm on auto pilot, existing each day but not really living. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. REALLY MAD. For the past week getting up each morning has been a struggle. I felt like "what's the point?"

I've been afraid. 

I've been stressed.

I've been sad.

I've been pissed.

Honestly, I've felt more defeated than I ever have before. I've never wanted to shout out "Okay, I quit" more than I have over the past few days. Do you know what it's like to walk around with a smile on your face just so people won't ask "what's wrong"? Do you know what it's like to fight back tears in the middle of a work day just because a simple thought crosses your mind? 

I do.

For the past month I've tried to figure out ways to pay for my final semester of college. I was recently told "If I were you I'd just withdraw from classes until you're able to pay for it." Ironically, how am I ever supposed to be able to pay for it if the one thing holding me back from a "better job" is a degree. A degree that I am supposed to get in December... IF I pay for classes. Class that I can't afford.

Yesterday I broke. I found myself driving around town. No particular destination, just wanted to be alone. As I drove I kept saying "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I". I cried (seems to be a lot of that water stuff these days). After the water works I felt a "weight" lifted. No, there was no miraculous email that said my tuition had been paid for.

We sing a song at church that goes: "I'm looking for a miracle. I expect the impossible. I feel the intangible. I see the invisible. The sky is the limit to what I can have. Just believe and receive it, God will perform it today." If ever there was a time I looked for a miracle, it's now.

I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school, but I know God wouldn't dare bring me this far just to leave me here now. I like to write (obviously) so I wrote God a letter. I wrote down specific needs and placed it in my bible. Although I feel my faith slowly diminishing, I'm holding on tight to the promises that I read in the Bible. Promises like:

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I have not because I ask not.

Everything He made is very good.

He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me.

I can do all things through Christ (even pay for tuition).

If I didn't know God, I probably would have given up. Wait. Let me be honest. I do know God and I still was ready to give up. I had to remind myself of why I started this journey in the first place. Kids. I know that'll I'll never get rich teaching but I get the chance to make a difference and that means more to me than any dollar amount. I want to hear "Ms. McCurdy, because of you I didn't give up." I want to be able to say "The class that is graduating this year was the class I taught my first year of teaching." It's so frustrating to be THIS CLOSE yet so far away. Even now, as I type, my eyes are full of tears because I'm afraid that I will fail. And that scares the [bad word] out of me. Under that fear is a mustard sized piece of faith holding on to the promises that the Lord made me....