An Open Window

Someone asked if I was afraid of new beginnings. Well, duh. I don't like "new" (unless it's a new pair of shoes- then I'm all in!). Then they said "don't stand there staring at the closed door because then you will miss the open window". And that's when it hit me. I was waiting.
Waiting for the metaphorically closed door to open.
Waiting.
But it never did.
Never.
And all this time, behind me was an open window. A window that had been open for 7+ years. Sure, I had always felt the breath of fresh air the window was giving, but it didn't stop me from thinking that once that door was open, things would be so much greater. But it never opened.

When you think about it, 7 years is a long time to wait for a person. Especially one who's stubborn and refuses to give you the love that you show them time & time again. (In case you were wondering, I'm that stubborn person.) Yet you wait. Wait for them to date other people. Wait for them to be disappointed by those other people. Wait on the sideline, picking them up each time they fall- only to have them run to someone else. Why?

In my mind, that means the person is crazy. But are they? Or am I the crazy one? Crazy for praying for that man, those men. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. I could say so many wasted prayers. But, looking back they weren't wasted- I was simply praying wrong. Yes, wrong. I was praying a generic prayer. HA! As if the God I serve was a generic God. Like He doesn't have the power to move mountains. Like He can't take cancer out of someone's body.

Recently, I began to pray bolder specific prayers. Instead of praying for that man or those men (eh, lets call them boys instead), I began to pray for my "Boaz". A man that would accept me, flaws and all. Accept my stubbornness. Accepts my high maintenance. Accepts my wish-washy attitudes. Accepts my "leave me alones, wait.. why aren't you not here for me?". Accepts LaRonnica. I told God that I didn't feel worthy of having a man like that, so then I prayed He molded me into a Proverbs 31 woman so that I could accept "Boaz" when he came along. For those who don't know about Boaz, let me explain a little... (In the book of Ruth, she (Ruth) was married to one of Naomi's sons who had had died. After traveling to Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz. He helped her and took care of her, after seeing her work in the fields. Later, he married her.)

I've always been the strong independent type, maybe a little to "proud". I have never needed nor wanted a man to take care of me- which is a downfall. But the book of Ruth taught me (in today's terms) that a strong woman can take care of herself but a good (Godly) man won't let her. He comes along at just the right time and helps her. And as a Godly woman, she accepts that he was sent to her, soley for that purpose.

So while praying these bolder prayers I realized that window was still open. And by window, I mean a guy. A guy who has been waiting for me for so long. When others would have (and did) give up, he never did. Never. I'm still praying those bold specific prayers, asking God to open not only my eyes but my heart to accept this man, if he is indeed my Boaz. You see, after being hurt people, or maybe just me, tend to build this wall. Trust me when I say I have my wall built- but somehow he found away around it or over it. Either way, he's here. And he said he wasn't going anywhere. And I'd like to take him up on that :)

Breakthrough

 Over the past few weeks I have felt as if God has said this so many times to me. It's amazing how we say we trust God yet at the first sign of trouble our doubt kicks in. That's not of God. I once heard "often times when we feel like giving up our breakthrough is just around the corner, so hold on a little while longer". If I wasn't a believer of that before, I certainly am now!

Fasting from social media to get closer to God brought so many struggles and obstacles my way. I resigned from a job that had been taking so much of me from me. My doctor told me I would have to have another surgery, possibly removing an ovary. People who I thought were a friend became an enemy. It seemed like everything I thought was meant to be wasn't. That scared me. I don't like change. At. All. 

At the beginning of my fast I asked God to take away everything and everyone that was pulling me away from Him. I was looking with blind eyes and now I needed to "see" again. So He did. I wasn't prepared for that but I quickly learned to welcome it. I remember laying across my bed in tears, thinking "what now?" In that moment I realized I was truly changing because it used to be "why me?" 

A few days ago, a friend told me "we aren't meant to stay in one place forever". How very true? We start to get complacent at where we are but God doesn't want that. If He says "I put you there, you have fulfilled that purpose, now you must move on..." you had better learn to listen! Gather your things and go! That's faith- taking that first step, not seeing it, but believing it's there because of the amazing Lord we serve.

My time in between jobs were spent resting. Yes, resting. Before that, I felt as if I was constantly on the go. Soccer practices, basketball games,  football tourneys, volunteering in the after school program, my homework, Avion's homework, night classes, honor choir, pta activities, head room mom stuff... It seemed to never end. 

Ironically, right before my fast I started a book study called "breathe". So God gave me that time to breathe. At first, it was hard to "breathe" but then it got easier. After a few weeks God was ready to place me where I was needed. I was nervous at first but every person at the new school has welcomed me with open arms. My first day I was standing in the bus lane and student walked up to me and hugged me. I smiled and said "what's that for?" Her response was "everyone needs a hug, you look like you needed a big one." Everyday since she has given me that same hug. 

That was the one thing I was afraid of after leaving my job. Acceptance. But it's here, all around me. I have no clue why the Lord guided me here but I accept it. I will continue to praise Him in advance for my next blessing. I don't know what it is but I know it's on the way.

I'm living proof that giving it over to God will allow blessings to overflow abundantly into your life. You, yes you, the one reading this feeling like giving up- DON'T! Each time you feel like giving up, remember all those reasons why you've held on this long. Remember those feelings you had about it in the beginning, hold on. Even when you don't understand, say "nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done, Lord." and watch your blessings pour! Don't you dare worry, your breakthrough is around the corner- all you need is faith!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen .