An Open Window

Someone asked if I was afraid of new beginnings. Well, duh. I don't like "new" (unless it's a new pair of shoes- then I'm all in!). Then they said "don't stand there staring at the closed door because then you will miss the open window". And that's when it hit me. I was waiting.
Waiting for the metaphorically closed door to open.
Waiting.
But it never did.
Never.
And all this time, behind me was an open window. A window that had been open for 7+ years. Sure, I had always felt the breath of fresh air the window was giving, but it didn't stop me from thinking that once that door was open, things would be so much greater. But it never opened.

When you think about it, 7 years is a long time to wait for a person. Especially one who's stubborn and refuses to give you the love that you show them time & time again. (In case you were wondering, I'm that stubborn person.) Yet you wait. Wait for them to date other people. Wait for them to be disappointed by those other people. Wait on the sideline, picking them up each time they fall- only to have them run to someone else. Why?

In my mind, that means the person is crazy. But are they? Or am I the crazy one? Crazy for praying for that man, those men. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. I could say so many wasted prayers. But, looking back they weren't wasted- I was simply praying wrong. Yes, wrong. I was praying a generic prayer. HA! As if the God I serve was a generic God. Like He doesn't have the power to move mountains. Like He can't take cancer out of someone's body.

Recently, I began to pray bolder specific prayers. Instead of praying for that man or those men (eh, lets call them boys instead), I began to pray for my "Boaz". A man that would accept me, flaws and all. Accept my stubbornness. Accepts my high maintenance. Accepts my wish-washy attitudes. Accepts my "leave me alones, wait.. why aren't you not here for me?". Accepts LaRonnica. I told God that I didn't feel worthy of having a man like that, so then I prayed He molded me into a Proverbs 31 woman so that I could accept "Boaz" when he came along. For those who don't know about Boaz, let me explain a little... (In the book of Ruth, she (Ruth) was married to one of Naomi's sons who had had died. After traveling to Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz. He helped her and took care of her, after seeing her work in the fields. Later, he married her.)

I've always been the strong independent type, maybe a little to "proud". I have never needed nor wanted a man to take care of me- which is a downfall. But the book of Ruth taught me (in today's terms) that a strong woman can take care of herself but a good (Godly) man won't let her. He comes along at just the right time and helps her. And as a Godly woman, she accepts that he was sent to her, soley for that purpose.

So while praying these bolder prayers I realized that window was still open. And by window, I mean a guy. A guy who has been waiting for me for so long. When others would have (and did) give up, he never did. Never. I'm still praying those bold specific prayers, asking God to open not only my eyes but my heart to accept this man, if he is indeed my Boaz. You see, after being hurt people, or maybe just me, tend to build this wall. Trust me when I say I have my wall built- but somehow he found away around it or over it. Either way, he's here. And he said he wasn't going anywhere. And I'd like to take him up on that :)