Oh, I wish...

 

As I sit here thinking about the past ten years I still can not believe that you're not here. I never imagined my life without you and I honestly don't know how I have survived this long without you. You were my "go-to". If there was ever a question I didn't have an answer for you did.  The day you died, a piece of me was lost. Maybe it died with you. There are times that my heart aches so bad that I just want to curl up and cry. But what would that solve? Tears won't bring you back, trust me I've cried a million trillion billion of them. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I cry. I read a Bible verse, it reminds me of you. I cry. I see an older woman in bifocals, it reminds me of you. I cry. Sometimes thunder storms make me cry. Christmas Eve will never be the same for me. For years I didn't eat Chicken & Dressing. The smell made me miss you. The thing that hurts the most is that you weren't here for some of the most important days of my life. You didn't see me graduate high school or either of my college graduations. You didn't see me graduate from the police academy. You didn't see me give birth to A'vion. He will never know the warmth you give. He'll never know what your hugs feel like. He'll never know your undeniable faith. You aren't here to see me be a mother, I'm not the best but I am trying. You won't be here to see me get my teaching certificate. You won't be here to see me walk down the aisle. I know that it's selfish to want you here but I NEED YOU HERE. Ten years later and it still doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I have to hold back tears sometimes so no one will see my pain. It doesn't seem fair that others have their grandmas and they only go visit them on holidays or special occasions. I've finally gotten over blaming myself for your death but it doesn't make this pain any less. This year, daddy isn't here for me to go to. He understood my pain. He didn't care about my tears. The pain is here. It's real. It's hard for me to breathe. 

Today I will cry. I will scream. I will shout. I will curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. I will mourn you. I will pray. And anyone who tells me it's past time to be over you will get punched in the face....

This is my now

Its been a year since Iost my job at the sheriff's office.
A YEAR. 365 DAYS.

I'll admit, I was afraid at first. I had no clue what I would I do next. There were days (and many nights) I found myself in tears. I felt unworthy for so many reasons. I had let a job define my worth. A JOB! I remember praying that the Lord would bless me with a job. Any job. I was willing to settle. Looking back, I wonder where I would be if He had of answered that prayer. Definitely not here...
Where is here? Here is finding out who I am. Here is finding out what makes me happy. Here is being able to spend more time with my son. Here is not having to sacrifice my health, sanity, faith, or life for a job.

Soon after losing my job, I was given the opportunity to be able to work with children. I was nervous. Actually, that's an understatement. That opportunity turned into a huge blessing.  Over the past year I have grown so close to some amazing children, whom I feel are my own. On Monday, I start on my third degree... a teacher certificate. After 7 years of crimina justice, a lot of people think I'm crazy. But I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I know it is. I find myself missing my students, I never missed any inmates. I have a chance to change lives. I have to the chance to make an impact on a child's life (in a good way). The inmates were usually too far gone. I love being out in public and having these little munchkins run up to me with smiles and his, instead of ducking and dodging ex inmates. It feels amazing to be appreciated. It feels great to say I have a career, not a job.
Sure, I'm afraid of this new chapter. But I'm hella excited too!  I know that God will guide me and keep me, so I'm not worried. Right here. Right now. This is where I am supposed to be!