Oh, I wish...

 

As I sit here thinking about the past ten years I still can not believe that you're not here. I never imagined my life without you and I honestly don't know how I have survived this long without you. You were my "go-to". If there was ever a question I didn't have an answer for you did.  The day you died, a piece of me was lost. Maybe it died with you. There are times that my heart aches so bad that I just want to curl up and cry. But what would that solve? Tears won't bring you back, trust me I've cried a million trillion billion of them. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I cry. I read a Bible verse, it reminds me of you. I cry. I see an older woman in bifocals, it reminds me of you. I cry. Sometimes thunder storms make me cry. Christmas Eve will never be the same for me. For years I didn't eat Chicken & Dressing. The smell made me miss you. The thing that hurts the most is that you weren't here for some of the most important days of my life. You didn't see me graduate high school or either of my college graduations. You didn't see me graduate from the police academy. You didn't see me give birth to A'vion. He will never know the warmth you give. He'll never know what your hugs feel like. He'll never know your undeniable faith. You aren't here to see me be a mother, I'm not the best but I am trying. You won't be here to see me get my teaching certificate. You won't be here to see me walk down the aisle. I know that it's selfish to want you here but I NEED YOU HERE. Ten years later and it still doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I have to hold back tears sometimes so no one will see my pain. It doesn't seem fair that others have their grandmas and they only go visit them on holidays or special occasions. I've finally gotten over blaming myself for your death but it doesn't make this pain any less. This year, daddy isn't here for me to go to. He understood my pain. He didn't care about my tears. The pain is here. It's real. It's hard for me to breathe. 

Today I will cry. I will scream. I will shout. I will curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. I will mourn you. I will pray. And anyone who tells me it's past time to be over you will get punched in the face....