the fault in MY stars...

Last night I seen the movie "The Fault In Our Stars". Let me just say if you haven't seen it and plan on seeing it- get your tissue ready. I bawled for AT LEAST the last 30 minutes of the movie. I won't go into details however, the movie allowed me great insight to my current situation...

One quote stood out to me the most "“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”  How very true! When I first found about my diseases I grieved. Although it could have changed me, it didn't.  I wanted to ask God why but my grandma Dot taught me long ago to NEVER question God's work. At that age I didn't understand- I just didn't question Him. Now that I am older I understand more. I would be lying if I din't wanted to ask God "why me" because I did want to. I wanted to know why I try each day a better person and be more Christ-like and there are people who don't try and are in "better situations" than I am. But that's here. On Earth. And earthly gain are NOTHING compared to what heavenly gains are. For you see, in my father's house their are many mansion. If it was not true, Jesus would not have said it. But He did. OH BUT HE DID! 

Before I was born God knew this was the life I would live, He had it all planned out. I made a few pitstops (mistakes) I found my way back to that path.  What I want may not align up with what God wants, so I don't get it. I have to learn to accept it & be okay with His plans for me.

Maybe I was meant to only have one child and that one child gets so much love from me it's ridiculous. Maybe that's what Avi needs (only God knows). I remember three years ago God placing me in this school and me thinking to myself "really, an elementary school?" I told myself that this would temporary yet I am still here. A parent that I get the chance to make a difference in a different child's life every day. Does a "normal mom" get to do that? I get a billion hugs and compliments each day. When my students hurt, I hurt. When they are sad, I am sad. Isn't that what a "normal mom" does? So biologically I have one child, but for 8 hours I am a mom to numerous students who I view as MINE. I would protect them just as I would Avi. If they fell and scraped their knee, I'd fix, just like I would Avi. If they needed a hug, I'd hug them, just like I would Avi. Just like I would my own son!

The movie didn't end how I imagined, like my life won't end how I planned it. But the movie taught me that there are people out there that have it way worse than I do. The fault in my stars was me being upset and hurt about my disease. Although there are no cure for either, it's not life threatening. Yes, the pain is unbearable some days. But that pain means I'm alive. Someone else with a disease wasn't so lucky. I get to see my son grow up and have kids (I'll be a grandma, haha). Someone else doesn't get that. I get to see thousands of kids excel and do great things. And that, my friends, is my silver lining in this dark cloud of chronic disease.

HYSTO- WHAT NOW?

At my doctor's appointment yesterday she told me that my right ovary seemed enlarged and she could a cyst on it. All I could think of was great, another thing wrong with me. I'm laying there in my own world while she talks about my uterus being tilted so far back... until I hear her say "it's a component of the endometriosis". 

It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Then I did. There was talk about removing ovaries and a hysterectomy. Hysterectomy isn't something a 27 year old wants to hear.

How could an "invisible" disease have so much power over a person's life? People don't see the physical aspects of it, so therefore those with it must be exaggerating, right?

WRONG.

I wish that I was exaggerating when I say things like it feels like there's a knife scraping my insides or that it feels like little bombs exploding, like I'm constantly going into labor. Peeing is a struggle for me, which feels like a life long UTI.


You can't see my pain because I hide it Everyday is a struggle for me. EVERY. DAY. I lay in bed each morning not wanting to get up, not because I want extra sleep but because I'm hurting. I get up and I get dressed. I put make-up on. I fix my hair. I go about my day with the biggest smile. The fakest smile. I literally have to laugh to stop myself from crying. 
I'm constantly wanting to puke. 
My bladder is constantly full- but that's due to the other disease, interstitial cystitis.
My kidneys hurt. 
Sometimes I'm so bloated I look 4-5 months pregnant.
It's not that I'm gaining weight, because I haven't. 
It's actually a component of the disease. 
Those times I just lay on the couch "being lazy" isn't laziness at all.
Its fatigue- a component of the disease.
My "crazy hormones" aren't really crazy.
It's the medicine that I take daily to balance it all out.

Yesterday was different. I no longer wanted to hide it. I no longer wanted to be ashamed. That was the straw that broke my hypothetical camel's back.... 

11 years ago, I didn't want kids. ANY KIDS. AT ALL. My grandma died. My best friend moved away. I contemplated suicide. Then Avion came along and my world was changed (for the better). Now I am faced with the possibility of me never bearing another child. What will my future husband think? Would he still love me? Would he leave me? Would he even propose? 

I began thinking about all the people who have multiple children and barely take care of them. How is that fair? I am not a perfect mom but I am a damn good one. How fair that I get one child who I sacrifice for on a daily basis, whom I put his needs before mine yet people are having kids to keep a person around or for more food stamps or a bigger income tax check? 

How fair is it that I will be spending a future Saturday with the man who donated sperm to create Avion, along with all of his other children, when there's a possibility I can't have another? He hasn't even seen Avi in about 8-9 years but I've been here day after day after day. Yet I'm the one who's punished?

I pondered all of these things yesterday while I cried on my couch. Then I thought, 11 years ago I didn't want to be a teacher either but God placed me on this path. Obviously He knew this would happen. This isn't new to Him. When I get my own classroom I will love each of those students as if they're my own child. There's always adoption. There's always god-children. 

Although I don't understand this at all, it's not my place to question God or His plans for my life.  It hurts. A LOT. Thinking about it overwhelms me to the point that tears fall. I could sit here in sulk in self-pity but that doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be in pain. So even in the midst of all this confusion I still trust in the Lord to see me through. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge to him, and he will direct your path." 

When it's all said and done I'll have an even greater testimony that could change a life. No matter what I will remain 100% faithful to God and maybe my faith will lead another to Christ. So in a sense, I'm giving life- which is kind of like having a baby, right? :)