This is me: Take it or Leave it.: August 2014

School started back this week- work and college classes.

It's been hard. Really hard.

I've had to adjust to not having as much help IN the household as I have for the past few years. I spent the past few nights laying in my bed- in tears. Needless to say when Wednesday arrived I NEEDED TO GET TO CHURCH BECAUSE I NEEDED THE SPIRIT! When I got there I had a one-on-one session with my pastor. He is amazing! One of the first questions he asked was why it was so hard to trust people. My answer was simple (or so I thought), I said "because everyone has always let me down when I needed them the most... why trust?". Good answer LaRonnica.

WRONG!!!

Pastor came back with "So you mean to tell me EVERYONE in this world has betrayed you?" He waited for me to answer. (insert my confused look here) He went on to tell me that I'm building walls that are blocking blessings from God. For all I know God has sent someone (not necessarily relationship-wise) to help me but because I'm so hell-bent on hurts from the past that I'm missing out. Pastor explained to me that I have to let go of my past. If someone hurt me, call them out on it. Tell them how it made me feel. But don't hold the next person accountable for something they haven't done. I told him I automatically expected people to hurt me, that's life- right?! No, it isn't. He said some people, Godly people, will do for you and not expect something in return- EVER. They will do for you and won't throw it back in your face (ie: "remember that time that I did _____ for you?"). There is not one doubt in my mind that I have trust issues. And that's something that I am working on- slowly but surely. However, some people that I thought should have never let me down, did. Pastor told me to hold them accountable for that but at the same time I should stop expecting Christian values from a person who doesn't have Christ on their inside. WOW!

Which leads Pastor to his next question... how am I at forgiveness. I told him that I was getting better at it (and I am). Old me would have written you off and not thought twice about it. FOR REAL. Friends. Family. No one got a pass. You hurt me? You're dead to me. Period. I spent almost 5 years mad at biological father for something that he probably didn't even know I was hurting over- until I wrote him a 4 page letter and poured it all out. Now we are slowly building a relationship back and I can't thank God enough for that. My dad is now quoting bible verses to me, which NEVER happened before. I started praying for his soul, for his spirit- and I think that God is definitely working on that. I have forgiven people that I had grudges for and although our relationships aren't like how they used to be, I don't "hate" them. Love the sinner- hate the sin. So of course, I was feeling good with my answer at this point.... until Pastor asked me how I was at forgiving myself....

And that's when II felt the tears coming. I had to blink and scrunch up my face. I don't think anyone had ever asked me that so I was forced to think about it. REALLY THINK. The longer I though about it, the more I realized the one person I was the most upset at was me. Little ole' me. In fact I was angry at myself. I was pissed. This wasn't the life I planned for myself 15 years ago. How in the hell did I get here?! I told Pastor that I would NEVER question God but I was angry because I feel like I'm a good person, so why was all of this hardship upon me? He said "because you made a mistake, you got side tracked. You did it. But you didn't stay messed up. The Spirit convicted you because you knew better, so now you're doing better..." I told Pastor that I was still mad. I have a kid, who's biological father walked out and when he was ready to "come back" Avion didn't want anything to do with him. My son picked up a picture of him and had absolutely NO CLUE who he was. I laughed about it but deep down it hurt. Every day is a struggle. I worry. I stress. And my son doesn't deserve to suffer because of mistakes I made/make. I went on to tell Pastor that I was upset that I'm in still in school and not in a career. I'm upset that I have had one failed relationship after another, when there are people younger than me who are already married. I can't even get my kid a dog because our apartments doesn't allow animals. Where's my house with the big backyard that Avi can run around in with man's best friend? Where's my prince charming who won't give up on me when it gets to hard? Why am I living paycheck to paycheck? Why am I not where I want to be?????

Pastor smiled and said "You are where God wants you to be!" Every struggle has made and will make you a stronger person. In the end you'll look back and say 'oooh, that's why I had to go through ____.' He told me it was time to forgive myself. Tell LaRonnica that she messed up. Forgive LaRonnica. Move on! Pastor told me there was nothing wrong with me having standards and not settling. The problem arises when I compromise. AND I'M NOT WILLING TO COMPROMISE MY CHRISTIANITY FOR ANYONE. I have to believe, really believe, that God will send me an equally yoked partner who will want the same things I want. Who will treat Avion as his own. Who will love God so much that it radiates from his soul. Who will love me the way Jesus loved the church (after all, Jesus did die for us).Who will push me to do better in all aspects of my life.

I told Pastor that it's hard for me to believe in those things. It's hard for me not to be mad at me. I have faith, don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I know I CANNOT do this alone, I NEED HIM! Pastor told me that I have to take self out of it- completely out of it. There's no doubt that the spirit is IN me, but am I letting Him work THROUGH me. When people look at me do they always see Christ? Probably not because when things get hard I get down and that's when the devil gets happy. I have too much life inside of me to give the devil that joy.

Not anymore.

The devil can't have my peace.

This world can't take my joy.

Lord, 8/28/2014

Today I am turning over a new leaf. I am coming to you as I am. Filthy. I know You accept me that way and You will wash me & make me clean. There may be times when I backslide but Father give me the wisdom to come to You for forgiveness and know that You will forgive me and will never bring it up again. Give me the strength to forgive myself as well. Help me to stop beating myself up over things of the past. Help me break down these walls, especially the ones around my heart, so that I can stop blocking blessings You send. Father I am sorry if I ever doubted You. It won't happen again. Lord I love You and I need You. I have not because I ask not- so Lord I ask all of these things in Your son Jesus name!

Your daughter,

LaRonnica McCurdy

Its been awhile... Let's play catch up.

Summers almost over and it's been one hell of a summer. The one person I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life with is no longer in my life. It was hard at first, because we were friends before the relationship- so I lost a love and a friend. But if the past three months have taught me anything, its thatmans rejection is God's protection. He won't take anything away without blessing you with something better. Although I can't see them I KNOW my blessings are on the way!

After all of that you'd think I'd be bitter, but I'm not. Actually I've learned a lot about LaRonnica. First, (and this may be too "raw" for some) is that I tend to use my body to keep unnecessary people in my life. No need to go into detail, I think you get the picture. I feel like maybe if I sacrifice this, I'll get that. Maybe if I give him this he'll give me his heart. Did it work? No. It left me feeling empty afterwards. I also learned that I fall too easily. I allow people to stick around who should have been gone a long time ago. I move mountains for people who wouldn't throw a rock for me. I will cross an ocean for people who wouldn't splash in a puddle for me. I gave and I gave and what did I get in return? A broken heart and empty promises...

At my lowest point I reached out to God and although I had no words in the beginning I cried. And like most fathers who see their children crying he comforted me. As the tears flowed so did my words. I told Him my problems. I told Him my fears. I confessed my sins and I apologized. He forgave me. He won't bring it back again!

I asked Him to prepare my heart, soul, and body for my forever love. How can He do that if I'm freely giving it away to someone who doesn't deserve it? Thus, my celibacy was born (gasp). I asked God to take me take self out of it because the flesh is weak. I asked Him to help me lose myself in Him so that when my Boaz comes along he will have to seek God in order to find my heart. That could be next week, next year, or ten years from now- however I'm willing to wait so that God can prepare me for that man and vice versa. Just the thought of a God fearing man (made especially for me) being out there gives me hope.