When God speaks, you'd better listen...

My Grandma Dot had this unwavering faith that I could never understand. When bad things happened she prayed. When she couldn't pay a bill, she prayed. When she was sick, she prayed. As I grew up and had complaints of my own, she would tell me to pray. It would get on my nerves because that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I needed answers and I needed them at that moment. Now as an adult I can finally comprehend that faith. 

Unshakeable.

Unbreakable.

Unstoppable.

FAITH.

There are times that every single thing in my life goes wrong- or so it seems. I find myself in deep though, deep fears, deep tears... deep prayers. God answers prayers in three ways:

yes.

no.

wait.

I have a problem with waiting. We all do. But if there is one that I've learned is that in the midst of the storm, the Lord will send protection. That answer that I thought I needed will come in the form of a bigger blessing, if I wait. I used to tell my grandma that I had these uneasy feelings an she would tell me it was God speaking. I'd get real quiet but I never HEARD his voice. I was waiting for this manly deep voice to come from the skies and tell what I wanted to hear. That voice never came. It's been more of a feeling. But I know that feeling is God telling me what to do. What to say. Right now I'm fighting some demons and I know that if it wasn't for Him, I'd be losing. Some days are harder than others. Some days I wonder if the fight is even worth it. Then I get this feeling of security and I know it's nobody but God telling me "you're gonna make it." He gives his TOUGHEST battles to his STRONGEST soldiers. If He didn't think I could do, He wouldn't have given it to me. I believe in miracles...

You can spend your whole life running from situation to situation but when God speaks, you'd better listen.

Chronic Pain & Diseases

"Do you know what interstitial cystitis is?"

A question that I didn't have the answer to but would change my life. The minute I left the doctor's office I Googled and did some research. The hardest part? NO CURE. Two small words that left me saddened and speechless...

For years I have battled with severe pains in my pelvic area. Not the ordinary cramps that come along with the typical menstrual cycle. Cramps that have stopped me in my tracks and make me cry. Cramps that make the area from my belly button to my knees hurt soooooo much, so badly. Cramps that feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat (in that same area). Cramps that feel like someone has my insides tied up in knots and then chooses to stab me over and over... and over. Cramps that sometimes make it hard to sit- and even harder to stand/walk.

For years I have put on a fake smile and tried to laugh through those times when the pain hits. Other times the pain is so excruciating that I get in my bed in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I try not to complain because I don't want people to think that I a crybaby or that I am weak. For years I had no clue what was going on inside of my body... NOW I DO.

Although there is no "cure" for IC, there are treatments. Treatments that don't work the same for everyone. I have to change my eating habits. No more spicy food she said. BUT I LOVE SPICY FOOD. "I can prescribe you pain meds" she said. I shook my head. I have seen first hand (not personally) what being addicted to pain meds can do to a person and that is not who I want to become. I don't want to be dependent nor addicted to them. After undergoing the majority of treatments that are available there's surgery. I'm not going to lie, the thought of be "drugged" and having doctors cut me open frightens me but the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.

To put the cherry on top my asthma is rearing it's ugly little head- bigger than ever. My doctor prescribed me a peak flow meter to monitor my breathing. I looked up my "normal" peak zone and I'm 35 below where I should be. Where is 35 below? A 60 year old woman who is my height.

And if that isn't bad she asked me if I was anxious? Of course I'm anxious. I'm a mother. Aren't we all? I thought that it was normal to feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest. She told me she could tell I was "overly- anxious". Whatever that is. While checking my heart rate (which was a high level and all I was doing was sitting) we had to stop and calm me down. How pathetic is that...

Actually it's not. I'm not pathetic. I'm not weak. I'm not a crybaby. I am being slapped in the face with the realization that I now suffer from a chronic pain/disease. One that has no cure... yet. But that doesn't make me any less of a woman. I joined this amazing group on FB with women who are going through what I am. For once in my life I don't feel so alone. So weird. This is all still new to me but I know that the Lord already knew it was coming and that He will walk with me every step of the way- no matter what happens. I was shocked at first. But now I know what to call it (although I can't pronounce it, lol). I now know that I don't have to hold my pain in or try to suppress is for other's benefit. The next time you hear someone complain about a pain or disease that you know NOTHING about- don't be so quick to judge because a lot more could be going on.