I'm a survivor

I was born 3 months too early, the doctor gave me 30 days.
But I must have had my mama's will &&  God's amazing grace.
I guess I'll keep on livin...  even if this love's to die for.
Cause your bags are packed && I ain't cryin.
Your walkin out && I'm not tryin to change your mind...

I don't believe in self pity,  it only brings you down.
I may be the queen of broken hearts, but I don't hide behind the crown.
When the deck is stacked against I just play a different game.
My roots are planted in the past && though my life is changing fast...

Who I am is who I wanna be.


The baby girl without a chance.
A victim of circumstance.
The one who oughta give up...
But she's just too hard headed.
A single mom who works 2 jobs,
who loves her kid and never stops.
With gentle hands.
And the heart of a fighter.

 I'm a survivor!

Good v Evil

So much for posting each day, huh? Eh. Things happen. Things don't happen. Christmas has come and gone. Can't say that I am not happy about that. Christmas has become to commercialized. Instead of celebrating the birth of Jesus, it has become all about toys and electronics. Every time that my son complained about something (like my nephew having more gifts under the tree) I took one of his gifts away and made him tell me what the season was really about. He quickly realized that it's not about the gifts you get but about the ones you give. After all, God GAVE us his ONLY son so that we could go to Him directly to ask for forgiveness. Jesus hung, bled, and DIED for our sins. I'm not sure about anything else in this world but I am sure that no one else would do that for a sin-filled world.

2013 is quickly approaching... I'm not for doing resolutions- they become nothing in a few weeks. However, I am making commitments to myself that I plan on keeping. For instance, I am going to cut back on sodas, until I am off of them completely. I shouldn't drink them at all because my doctor said so. Health issues. I am also going to make myself workout at least twice a week because my asthma is coming back slowly. It hurts to walk up one flight of stairs. The biggest thing would be to stop allowing small things to get me stressed and depressed. I wear my heart on my sleeve so emotionals fly freely. Instead of getting down and out I am going to remember all of the good things. Everytime that something "bad happens" I am going to write it down then burn it. Then I will write something that I am blessed to have in my life and put it in a box. Seems trivial but it's what I am going to do in order to remind myself of my blessings. I also have a Bible app on my phone to read daily to renew my faith each morning and night.

Stay tuned in 2013... I feel great things happening for me!

SELF CONTROL

The person pulling the trigger kills...
If it's not a gun, then it'll be a knife.
A car.
A hammer.
Shovel.
Poison.
Hands.
Gun control?
How about SELF CONTROL.

Forgivness

For a long time I have harbored hatred in my heart for my biological father. When my grandma died he promised me that he'd be there for me... and well he hasn't been. Numerous times I have written letters to him to explain how I feel but have thrown them away. Last week I sat down and poured my heart out to him in a long letter. He's in jail, so I had to mail it off. I honestly never expected him to write back... but he did. He's not the only that I had hatred for, there's a couple more. Some I won't name- others I just may. When I got baptized for the second time I had a one on one "counseling" class with my pastor. In one of those classes we discussed this hatred for these people. My pastor told me that no matter what my dad was still my dad. Period. I have no other choice BUT to love him. Forgiveness isn't for the other person- it's for YOU! I've learned that by holding grudges or hating a person only makes me a bitter & angry person while the person I hate is going about their everyday lives. How can I lay down at night to ask God for  forgiveness (and expect Him to) when I can't forgive those who have wronged me on earth? So here are a few people that I am forgiving:

Daddy, you promised me on the day grandma died that you'd always be here & you failed. You've failed miserably. I am not one of those girls who have "daddy issues", I am one of those women who have trust issues. I don't depend on anyone for help, especially not a man because the first man in my life (you) let me down completely. But I am over that. Hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) we can go back to the 'old us'- whatever that is. Anthony, I hated you so much for leaving me to raise A'vion alone. Your excuse was being afraid. Ha! Afraid was telling my mom in a letter that I was pregnant and running away from home. Afraid was never wanting kids because I was selfish and wanted all of the spotlight. Afraid was not knowing whether or not I'd be able to follow my dreams. But I thank you for leaving me, for leaving us. It's true- you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. A'vion became my greatest motivator. It is because of him that I am here and not dead. It is because of him that I work as hard as I do. You're leaving allowed me to shine brighter than the sun. To all of my exes, I don't regret either of you. Sure, some of you hurt me and gave me what I thought was a broken heart. But it was that pain that gave me the strength to pick up the pieces and move forward. I thank all of you because I have a real man in my life now that loves me for me- flaws in all. He doesn't care that I do "too much" for my child (R). He doesn't care that my mom worked at Red Lobster (S). He doesn't go looking for love with other girls (Q)- he's satisfied with me. And he's definitely not afraid (A). Uncle Brian, what you did was wrong. Period. I forgive you but I'll NEVER forget. You're exactly where you should be! To those "friends", I would have so much more respect if the things you said were in my face instead of behind my back. That's where you lost me. Sure, I've made mistakes & said things- but it's NOTHING I can't and won't say in your face. At times, I say things that may hurt you but it's what I feel you should hear- that's what friends do. If you can't handle that, get you another friend. Or stop telling me your business cause I'm tired of hearing your sob stories if you're gonna continue on that path. I FORGIVE YOU ALL. Have I forgotten? Not. At. All. I can talk to when I see you and I'll possibly help you if you need me but I will never forget. Never. The backstabbing, sleeping with someone I did, playing other friends against me, lying, cheating, talking about me to your cousins/family- I forgive that. I forgive you. I love you. I pray for you. That doesn't mean I need nor want y'all in my life.

Confession: I'm free.

Prayers

Yesterday was an eventful day... I went on my nephew's very first field trip as a pre-k'er (yes, I made that up). Afterwards, I heard about the shooting in Connecticut. Tragic. What would possess a person to take the life of another for no apparent reason- but a child, at that. Devastating to say the least. It makes me even more grateful for every second I have with A'vion (and Aiden). Times like this make me pray even harder. It's a cold & cruel world we live in. Prayers go out from the families involved. I pray that if you or someone you know begins to show signs of depression or any other type of disorder that you'll seek help. That is no excuse to take innocent lives.

Time does NOT heal all wounds...

9 years.

4 months.

2 weeks.

4 days.

That's how long it's been. 07/25/2003: the day my life changed drastically. That's the summer day I woke up just like I had so many times before- but that day was different. That day ended a friendship that I had cherished my entire life. My grandma died. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows the close relationship I had with her. But I doubt that anyone truly knows just how much it crushed me. I was ready to die too. In fact, I even prayed that God took me that same night. I woke up the next day expecting it to be a dream, but it wasn't. Reality was, she was gone and I was left to pick of the pieces. After that, I was extremely angry. Angry at her. Angry at God. Angry at my dad for saying he would be there for me (and he wasn't). Angry that my older cousins had gotten more time with her than I had. I was bitter. The whole world was on my bad side. I questioned God. I yelled at God. I yelled at my Grandma for leaving and not saying goodbye. Or allowing me to say goodbye. I was pissed to say the least. It took me at least 5 years to go visit her grave. Even now, I still get upset for her leaving. Every year on the 25th of July I get sad. I pray for her to come back. Each year around Thanksgiving and Christmas I get depressed. It's not something I can help, just happens. The pain hits at the most random times and I'll find myself fighting back tears on the cereal aisle at Walmart or when ordering an apple fritter (her fav) at the donut shop. So many people told me that things would get better... but have they? Why do I still cry? Why can't I wake on Christmas and be happy instead of sitting in the bathroom in tears?
 It hasn't been easy. At. All. People wonder why I don't open up to them. Um, maybe because I get judged or told I shouldn't still be sad/upset. Do you think I want to cry? Who likes headaches & runny noses? Who likes being short of breath because they can't stop crying? One person even told me that crying wasn't gonna bring her back. No shit! If that was the case, she would have been back within five minutes of me finding her....
The ONLY good thing about this time of year is Avi's bday. I think that God seen my depression and blessed me with A'vion. That's why he came a month early, on Dec 20th (4 days before my grandma's bday). No matter how many times I spank him (for doing bad), no matter if I mess up cooking, no matter if I get a bad grade or pick him up late- Avion will love me. Period. (and vice versa) 
So I guess it's time to wipe these tears (for now) and pretend to be happy. Will I be sad when July comes around? Probably. When Christmas day gets her in a few days will I cry? Hell yes. Next year around this time will I still be hurting. Of course. No matter how old I get this pain WON'T go away. I was closer to her than I have been to anyone in my life. There was a special bond that NO ONE could ever understand. All I can do is live my life right and pray I make it to heaven so that I can see her again. Hug her again. Have her kiss my forehead again. Have her...

Confession: I blamed myself for my Grandma's death. I had moved in with her because of a fight I gotten into with my mom. I stayed for a couple months then moved back home. I told myself that if I had still been there I could have saved her. Instead I was too selfish and wanted more privacy. I take it so hard because I have beaten myself up over this for years... so the next time I cry in your presence and it becomes a problem (for you)- kindly go screw yourself!

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for lots of things... not just on Thanksgiving or around 'that time' but each & everyday.
First I am thankful for God's grace and mercy- without where would I be? Then I am thankful for my family. Yes, those crazy people that I had no choice but to have in my life. (God has a sense of humor & knows I needed a little crazy in my life.) Next, would be my friends that I am thankful for. Let me go ahead and say there's a difference between friends and associates- but I'll save that for a later blog (but believe me, it's coming). I'm thankful for Starbucks & Full Throttles because they get me through my days. I'm thankful for grilled/baked boneless chicken breast because I HATE BONES!!! I'm thankful for farmers who grow potatoes because that's how I am able to devour french fries. I am thankful for my past because it's made me the woman I am today. I am thankful for who reads this... maybe just maybe one of my post will change your life or get you through "it".

Confession 3: Sometimes I cry just because of the goodness of God.

Light at the end of the tunnel

This is A'vion.
You can call him Avi.
He came along during a depressing time in my life.
My best friend, my grandma, had recently died.
12.20.04- the day I started believing in love at first sight.
His annoying laugh & raspy deep voice make my soul happy.
Thanks God. You broke the mold with this kid.

Parenting 101

I remember sitting in my juvenile delinquency class a few years
ago and having a very heated argument as to whether the parent
is to blame for a child's behavior. One guy said its impossible for
a child to do good if the parents do wrong. He blamed the parents
for how the child's behavior. I disagreed.

BUT IS IT?

Looking back now, I think it is- to a certain extent. After all, the
Bible does hold the parent responsible until the child reaches a
certain age. Yet after that, can we (as parents) put it all off on the
child?

If a woman is in an abusive relationship, and her children see this-
chances are they will see this as "normal" and think its okay.
The son will more than likely hit his spouse.
The daughter will allow her spouse to hit her.

If a parent constantly tells their child they are nothing-
eventually, they'll settle for being that. Nothing.

It starts at home. 

A phrase I've heard a lot this year as a sub and ACE aide.
We (parents) have got to stop being friends with our children and actually raise them.
By doing this, we'll become their best friends later in life- when it matters most.
If you're not ready to grow up and be a parent- allow someone else to raise your child.
It'll help them out in the long run! 
As parents we are our children's FIRST TEACHERS.
 Let's start instilling GOOD values in them NOW:

that way we won't have to worry about bailing them out LATER.

Can you be mad at the girl who sleeps during homeroom?
She stays up all night because her mom is being beaten by her new guy.
Is it fair to write up the boy who is always angry & full of rage?
His drunk dad stumbles in each night and beats him.

It. Starts. At. Home.
But does that mean it has to finish at school?
Hmmm... where do we draw the line?
Still a shade of gray!

Confession #: I never wanted kids. Like never ever. When I got pregnant I was afraid. So many thoughts running through my head and decisions to make... abortion & adoption were on my list. Selfish me, was not ready to give up the life I had planned for a kid. Yet when I held Avion for the first time, it pure. Something rare. What I needed in the deep dark depression state I had been in. Now, almost 8 years later I couldn't imagine my life without him. (yet he still gets spanked when necessary, believe that!)

Confessions

Where to begin?

God-fearing.

Mother. Daughter.

Sister. Friend.

I've loved. And I've lost.

Heart broken? Of course.

Through all of of that I've learned life does go on. At times I've laid in bed surrounded by tears, thinking that my life was over. But ya know what? I woke up the next morning. I believe that each day the Lord blesses me to see is another chance to get "it" right. What is it? Who knows?! There is a plan that God has for my mess of a life. No matter how I try to imagine how things will end, I can't. I know it's miraculous. Magical. Wonderful. 

AAAAAAMMMMAAAAZZZIIINNNGGGGG! 

What God has for me, is just that. For me. The thing about God is, He gives and gives. Even when I don't deserve it, He still gives. That's why I love that man! Do I make mistakes? Well, duh! No one is perfect. Everyday I sin and fall short of the glory of God. 

My best and worst feature is that I can brutally honest at times. 
Maybe a little too much. 

I am my own worst enemy. My past is a major heartache. I doubt I could relive it. Do I regret it? Not. One. Bit. But pain breeds strength. It's true- you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, I must be the world's strongest woman because I ain't dead yet! 

I said I would do a daily blog. 

We'll see how that goes.

No matter how often, it'll be the truth.

Remember to read the "fine print"! :)

Confession #1: I've been depressed. Not just a little. But a lot. A whole lot. Some days a lot more than others. If it wasn't for faith, I'd be gone. Long gone. Something inside of me kept pushing. It still pushes me.