A Letter To My Son

Dear son,

I wish that I could say I know how you feel but the truth is I don't. I don't know how it feels to not have that fatherly bond because I'v been blessed with two of them. I'm a woman, so there is a lot that I can never teach you, like how to stand up and pee (that was a question for Poppa). I can tell you about the birds and the bees but there will be questions that I still cannot answer. I won't know how it feels when you have your first broken heart because of some silly girl. 

But I am your mother. I carried you inside of me for 9 months (eh, more like 8, you decided you were done baking a month early). I felt you live on my inside and now I watch live on my outside. I watched you pee on the side of the toilet cause neither of knew how to aim. I've waited in front of doors so that you would learn to to open them for women. I have given you stern looks when you burp so that you say excuse me afterwards. I've made you sit out on the sidelines of games for not doing your school work, not to embarrass you but to build character.

I'm here. I will always be here. I will laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny or the ones I don't understand. I will be your number one fan, and even when you don't win, you'll always be my MVP. When your heart breaks because of that silly girl I'll be there to make your favorite meal. When you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them (or Google, cause that's what we do best).

His absence is not a bad thing. He is not a bad person. You are not a bad child. The Lord had these plans for each our lives before we were even born. I won't allow you to let this dim your light because of this pain. You are wanted. You are loved. You were born for a reason. For a purpose. You have a destiny that is so much greater than this moment of your life. Cry if you must, that's what my shoulder is for. That's why they made Kleenex. But despite your current circumstances- refuse to sink, my son, refuse to sink!

Allow these insecurities about not knowing him motivate you. Push yourself harder. Push yourself to accomplish goals despite of his absence. You asked me if I thought you could be POTUS, when I said yes- I meant it. Work for that. Mama wants to know what it's like to walk the halls of The White House. Continue to make good grades and excel in sports. He may never make it to a game but I will always be there to cheer you and embarrass you from the sideline. Sometimes we expect things from people that they don't to give. Let his absence go and allow yourself to grow.

Love, 
Mama

Existing.

"To live is the most rarest thing in the world. Most people Just exist." -Oscar Wilde

Existing. 

That's what I've been doing for about a month now. I feel like I'm on auto pilot, existing each day but not really living. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. REALLY MAD. For the past week getting up each morning has been a struggle. I felt like "what's the point?"

I've been afraid. 

I've been stressed.

I've been sad.

I've been pissed.

Honestly, I've felt more defeated than I ever have before. I've never wanted to shout out "Okay, I quit" more than I have over the past few days. Do you know what it's like to walk around with a smile on your face just so people won't ask "what's wrong"? Do you know what it's like to fight back tears in the middle of a work day just because a simple thought crosses your mind? 

I do.

For the past month I've tried to figure out ways to pay for my final semester of college. I was recently told "If I were you I'd just withdraw from classes until you're able to pay for it." Ironically, how am I ever supposed to be able to pay for it if the one thing holding me back from a "better job" is a degree. A degree that I am supposed to get in December... IF I pay for classes. Class that I can't afford.

Yesterday I broke. I found myself driving around town. No particular destination, just wanted to be alone. As I drove I kept saying "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I". I cried (seems to be a lot of that water stuff these days). After the water works I felt a "weight" lifted. No, there was no miraculous email that said my tuition had been paid for.

We sing a song at church that goes: "I'm looking for a miracle. I expect the impossible. I feel the intangible. I see the invisible. The sky is the limit to what I can have. Just believe and receive it, God will perform it today." If ever there was a time I looked for a miracle, it's now.

I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school, but I know God wouldn't dare bring me this far just to leave me here now. I like to write (obviously) so I wrote God a letter. I wrote down specific needs and placed it in my bible. Although I feel my faith slowly diminishing, I'm holding on tight to the promises that I read in the Bible. Promises like:

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I have not because I ask not.

Everything He made is very good.

He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me.

I can do all things through Christ (even pay for tuition).

If I didn't know God, I probably would have given up. Wait. Let me be honest. I do know God and I still was ready to give up. I had to remind myself of why I started this journey in the first place. Kids. I know that'll I'll never get rich teaching but I get the chance to make a difference and that means more to me than any dollar amount. I want to hear "Ms. McCurdy, because of you I didn't give up." I want to be able to say "The class that is graduating this year was the class I taught my first year of teaching." It's so frustrating to be THIS CLOSE yet so far away. Even now, as I type, my eyes are full of tears because I'm afraid that I will fail. And that scares the [bad word] out of me. Under that fear is a mustard sized piece of faith holding on to the promises that the Lord made me....

I want you to know...

I have never been the "bash your child's sperm donor" type, however I can only take so much. Ten years. That's how long I have raised your son. Ten years. That's how long it's been since you've seen him. Six months. That's how long it's been that I reached out to you so that A'vion could meet you- his idea, not mine. Six months. That's how long you've had excuse after excuse and never met him. 2 days. That's when you texted me around one in the morning saying you wanted to see A'vion the next day. Against my better judgment, I agreed for you to let me know when you made it to town so that y'all could meet. 24 hours. That's how much time passed without hearing a peep from you. So I texted you. There was so much I wanted to say to you. But after praying about it, all I said was that I would no longer reach out to you. When Avion turns 18 and decides that he wants to meet I will fully support him 100% but until then...

I want you know...

that you're missing out on an amazing kid.

Other than wanting to get to know you,

he didn't want shit.

I want you to know...

that it's been 10, long stressful years.

Although I wasn't ready for motherhood,

I still put aside those fears.

I want you know...

that your antics don't hurt me at all.

They hurt the child you help create,

But I'm there to catch his every fall.

I want you to know...

because of you Avi knows what disappointment is like.

& because of me he knows what unconditional love

feels like because I give it with all my might.

I want you to know...

that I don't know what it's like to not have a dad.

I was blessed with two of them,

so I can't empathize when Avi is feeling sad.

I want you to now...

that he has plenty of father figures around.

They cheer him on at his games

and help pick him up when he's down.

I want you to know...

that I'm mad as hell, no actually I'm pissed.

There's been birthdays, Christmases,

celebrations, and other milestones that you've missed.

I want you to know...

that while you're missing out on watching him grow

Avi is missing out on anything!

I just thought that you should know.

An Open Window

Someone asked if I was afraid of new beginnings. Well, duh. I don't like "new" (unless it's a new pair of shoes- then I'm all in!). Then they said "don't stand there staring at the closed door because then you will miss the open window". And that's when it hit me. I was waiting.
Waiting for the metaphorically closed door to open.
Waiting.
But it never did.
Never.
And all this time, behind me was an open window. A window that had been open for 7+ years. Sure, I had always felt the breath of fresh air the window was giving, but it didn't stop me from thinking that once that door was open, things would be so much greater. But it never opened.

When you think about it, 7 years is a long time to wait for a person. Especially one who's stubborn and refuses to give you the love that you show them time & time again. (In case you were wondering, I'm that stubborn person.) Yet you wait. Wait for them to date other people. Wait for them to be disappointed by those other people. Wait on the sideline, picking them up each time they fall- only to have them run to someone else. Why?

In my mind, that means the person is crazy. But are they? Or am I the crazy one? Crazy for praying for that man, those men. So many tears shed. So many sleepless nights. I could say so many wasted prayers. But, looking back they weren't wasted- I was simply praying wrong. Yes, wrong. I was praying a generic prayer. HA! As if the God I serve was a generic God. Like He doesn't have the power to move mountains. Like He can't take cancer out of someone's body.

Recently, I began to pray bolder specific prayers. Instead of praying for that man or those men (eh, lets call them boys instead), I began to pray for my "Boaz". A man that would accept me, flaws and all. Accept my stubbornness. Accepts my high maintenance. Accepts my wish-washy attitudes. Accepts my "leave me alones, wait.. why aren't you not here for me?". Accepts LaRonnica. I told God that I didn't feel worthy of having a man like that, so then I prayed He molded me into a Proverbs 31 woman so that I could accept "Boaz" when he came along. For those who don't know about Boaz, let me explain a little... (In the book of Ruth, she (Ruth) was married to one of Naomi's sons who had had died. After traveling to Bethlehem, Ruth met Boaz. He helped her and took care of her, after seeing her work in the fields. Later, he married her.)

I've always been the strong independent type, maybe a little to "proud". I have never needed nor wanted a man to take care of me- which is a downfall. But the book of Ruth taught me (in today's terms) that a strong woman can take care of herself but a good (Godly) man won't let her. He comes along at just the right time and helps her. And as a Godly woman, she accepts that he was sent to her, soley for that purpose.

So while praying these bolder prayers I realized that window was still open. And by window, I mean a guy. A guy who has been waiting for me for so long. When others would have (and did) give up, he never did. Never. I'm still praying those bold specific prayers, asking God to open not only my eyes but my heart to accept this man, if he is indeed my Boaz. You see, after being hurt people, or maybe just me, tend to build this wall. Trust me when I say I have my wall built- but somehow he found away around it or over it. Either way, he's here. And he said he wasn't going anywhere. And I'd like to take him up on that :)

Breakthrough

 Over the past few weeks I have felt as if God has said this so many times to me. It's amazing how we say we trust God yet at the first sign of trouble our doubt kicks in. That's not of God. I once heard "often times when we feel like giving up our breakthrough is just around the corner, so hold on a little while longer". If I wasn't a believer of that before, I certainly am now!

Fasting from social media to get closer to God brought so many struggles and obstacles my way. I resigned from a job that had been taking so much of me from me. My doctor told me I would have to have another surgery, possibly removing an ovary. People who I thought were a friend became an enemy. It seemed like everything I thought was meant to be wasn't. That scared me. I don't like change. At. All. 

At the beginning of my fast I asked God to take away everything and everyone that was pulling me away from Him. I was looking with blind eyes and now I needed to "see" again. So He did. I wasn't prepared for that but I quickly learned to welcome it. I remember laying across my bed in tears, thinking "what now?" In that moment I realized I was truly changing because it used to be "why me?" 

A few days ago, a friend told me "we aren't meant to stay in one place forever". How very true? We start to get complacent at where we are but God doesn't want that. If He says "I put you there, you have fulfilled that purpose, now you must move on..." you had better learn to listen! Gather your things and go! That's faith- taking that first step, not seeing it, but believing it's there because of the amazing Lord we serve.

My time in between jobs were spent resting. Yes, resting. Before that, I felt as if I was constantly on the go. Soccer practices, basketball games,  football tourneys, volunteering in the after school program, my homework, Avion's homework, night classes, honor choir, pta activities, head room mom stuff... It seemed to never end. 

Ironically, right before my fast I started a book study called "breathe". So God gave me that time to breathe. At first, it was hard to "breathe" but then it got easier. After a few weeks God was ready to place me where I was needed. I was nervous at first but every person at the new school has welcomed me with open arms. My first day I was standing in the bus lane and student walked up to me and hugged me. I smiled and said "what's that for?" Her response was "everyone needs a hug, you look like you needed a big one." Everyday since she has given me that same hug. 

That was the one thing I was afraid of after leaving my job. Acceptance. But it's here, all around me. I have no clue why the Lord guided me here but I accept it. I will continue to praise Him in advance for my next blessing. I don't know what it is but I know it's on the way.

I'm living proof that giving it over to God will allow blessings to overflow abundantly into your life. You, yes you, the one reading this feeling like giving up- DON'T! Each time you feel like giving up, remember all those reasons why you've held on this long. Remember those feelings you had about it in the beginning, hold on. Even when you don't understand, say "nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done, Lord." and watch your blessings pour! Don't you dare worry, your breakthrough is around the corner- all you need is faith!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen .

Before I was born...

I recently asked God a question, he answered no. Or so I thought. Nevertheless I began to praise God for that no. I thought to myself, am I worthy of just blessings and not trials or tribulations. Honestly, I'm not. So many times the Bible tells us be still and know that He is Lord. He reminds us countless time that He will fight our battles for us. We just have to learn to be still.


So in my moment of stillness the Lord sent me a revelation. God said to me "before you were born, before you were even in your mother's womb, this was planned for your life. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. The situation that you're going through is not new to Me my child. Keep the faith and know that I am Lord, I am God, and God alone."

Unknowingly to myself, God had strategically place people in my life to help me when I need. To be there to listen. To be a shoulder to lean on. To be a hand to wipe away my tears. To be my voice when I am weak. To give me advice when I need it the most.


So, I realized as it never a no. He was telling me not now, be still. He was preparing me for a testimony. Those people, those darling little angels, were there to fight for me. Maybe my answer will be no in the long run. But I have confirmation of what I hoped for. I've given people hope when they have felt hopeless. I have been to that voice in the back of their mind telling them not to give up, that they can do it. I have allowed them to feel as if they are not in these situations alone. Not even trying I have said I have done exactly what I set out to do. I have inspired, I have helped, ultimately I've changed lives. Maybe I won't be place where I want to be and I'm okay with that because I know that the Lord I serve will place me where I'm supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this chapter is closing but it does not mean that this book it's over. The enemy may think that he has won this battle, and maybe he has. But I will win the war because I have the Lord on my side.

No amount of words to express how my heart feels right now. My cup literally runneth over. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude from the help from His people... To go above and beyond to help little ol me. Someone once told me that you get what you put into this world. In the past 24 hours, I have been shown that I have put so much into this world- not even trying. That allows me to continue to step out on faith, not being able to see that next step but knowing that is there because of the LORD, the God, our Savior that we serve.

In THIS Season

I recently started a social media fast so that I can focus on God. I realized that I can still share my blogs via Facebook without being on there (I had a few people ask). Tomorrow I will be starting a fast- for 7 days, from 7 am to 7 pm I will have only liquids. During these hours I will seek God and try to get answers that I know only He can answer.


I'm in a season in my life that I don't understand, that I'm ready to be out of. When in reality you can't rush a season away. Sure, we celebrate Groundhog's Day where we think if he sees his shadows we may or may not have more winter. Truth is, spring will come exactly when its supposed to. The same goes for the seasons of my life...


I keep saying I'm so ready to graduate. I'm so ready to start my career. I'm so ready to get married. I'm so ready to have my dream house. I think if I could just "get there" I'd be happy. But with all those things, obstacles will still come. Yes, I'll graduate but my learning will never cease. Yes, I'll have a real career and get paid more, but then I'll have to pay more taxes. Yes, I'll get married but then I'll go from relationship problems to married problems. Yes, I'll have my dream house but I'll also have more bills.


In the past few days I've heard God tell me to be happy in the season I am in. Don't get so caught up in these small trivial things that I miss out on living. I watched a video from Liberty University with Catherine Caine as the speaker. She said when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and she went under the knife her thoughts weren't about her family or Twitter followers but did she fulfill her God given purpose. She said she wanted to know that if she was going home to be with our Lord, was she taking those that were supposed to go with her?


WOW! And here I am wondering if I'll ever find my Boaz and live happily ever after. Something's wrong with that. Actually, a lot is wrong with that. I'm not afraid to die because I know where I'm going, BUT am I taking people with me? Am I doing what God placed me here to do? Am I leading people to Christ? Because ultimately that's my job! That's your job. That's OUR JOB.


As Jesus ascended into heaven He said He was coming back again. Deny Him in front of our friends and He will deny us in front of His father. You do know that the ONLY way we can get to heaven is through then son, right? Well, if you didn't, now you do. God told us to go out into the highways and hedges. Don't take that in the literal form. But what He meant was those places you don't want to go or those people you don't want to speak to are probably the ones that need to be led the most. Yes, we should fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ who know God because we all need a spiritual uplift sometimes but that doesn't mean you can't tell that coworker about how good God has been to you.


I'm only a few days into my fast and I can tell that there's a lot I need answered. I can't put a time on it because that's not how He operates. Its not LaRonnica's will, it HIS WILL. Let me say that I'm thankful for that because I know I can't do this alone. I know that I need Him.


The first question that I have asked God is to show me my purpose for this season I'm currently in. Lord, what is that I can do in this season for the greatness of God? What can I say or do in this season that will lead another to Christ? I then asked for Him to bless me in this season. In this season of singleness, student-ness, sickness, financial help-needing-ness and everything else I'm going through, Lord show me how to be happy. Let me take the back burner so that in my struggles someone who doesn't know the Lord will seek Him and try Him.

Characteristics of a Good Man

I came across a blog written by Jarrid Wilson (I love his blogs!) that talked about characteristics you should want in a man. Jarrid says in this particular blog "God didn’t create you to settle." Which is something I refuse to do- especially in relationships.

Here are the 23 qualities Jarrid had in his blog (blue), with a twist from me (the pink):

1. He loves God. The Bible tells us constantly not to be unequally yoked. If I date you, it's for a purpose, hopefully marriage. So if I am choosing to spend my earthly life with you, why would I not want to spend my heavenly life with you?
2. He is driven. My drive is big, so his HAS to match. I can't carry the load for the both of us.
3. He is goal oriented. I have goals that I strive for each & everyday- so my significant other has to have goals as well. Do our goals have to match? Nope (see #5). They don't all have to be long term goals either.
4. He is chivalrous. Hold my hand. Open a door every once in a while. Leave me notes where I can find them. DATE ME!
5. He is supportive. If I decide to chop my hair off, support me, Never tell me that I am incapable of doing something. NEVER. (you'll regret it)
6. He is honest. I have a lot more respect for the truth than I do for lies. Don't try to "protect" me with a lie, I'm a big girl. I can handle it- even if it hurts.
7. He respects his parents. If you disrespect your parents, how can you respect me. I know there are certain situations but the Bible still says honor thy mother and thy father.
8. He respects your/his purity. Respect me. My thoughts. My body. My heart.
9. He shows patience. I'm hard to love at times. Be patient with me... I'm worth the wait, I promise :) 
10. He puts God first. God first. Family Second. Career Third. Everything else last. 
11. He is reliable. Don't tell me you will if you know you won't. 
12. He is trustworthy. If I put my trust in you, don't lose it. No lies. No games. 
13. He is someone you are attracted to. Beauty isn't just on the outside, I have learned to look beyond that!
14. He is always willing to help those in need. Buy the homeless man a bottle of water- it won't kill you. And maybe God will bless you later!
15. He will pray for you/with you. I want to be able to hold your hand and pray. TOGETHER. If I ask you to pray for me, just do it. No questions asked.
16. He manages his finances well. If you can't tithe but can spend $200 on tennis shoes or video games.. "Houston, we have a problem!"
17. He has a good reputation. I know everyone has a past. We change. We evolve. BUT don't let that past follow you into what we have.
18. He is willing to work hard to provide. The Bible says "if a man doesn't work, he won't eat." I'm not your mom, I won't raise you! I'm not a gold digger. We are equal.
19. He doesn’t make hasty decisions. Don't quit your job for some quick get rich scheme. Or you'll be single.
20. He doesn’t have a foul mouth. Don't ever call me out of my name. EVER. Don't ever say something you might regret- because I'll never forget. Once the words leave your mouth, no amount of "I'm sorry's" can take it back.
21. He has good manners. Say please. Say thank you. Use "yes ma'am" "no sir" when applicable. Hold open doors for others.
22. He is willing to protect you. Be my "David". 
23. He is always thinking on the bright side. Be able to encourage me, especially on my bad days.

Dear Future Husband,
Do these things && we'll live happily ever after. With ups. With downs. With highs. With lows. With good. With bad. But I promise, as long as you're fighting for us, I'm staying. 

Who Is She?

 "Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" (Danielle LaPorte)

After I read that quote I  began to ask myself that over and over. Where is that person that I used to be? Before I allowed the world to put me in categories. Before I became a "statistic". Then I marinated on this: I don’t think people love the real me. 

They love versions of me I have made to fit in. 

Versions of that they constructed in their own minds. 

The simple versions of LaRonnica.

The easy parts of her to love. 

Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? 

The girl that hated herself? 

The girl that lost control? 

The girl that gets so sad sometimes that she can’t get out of bed? 

The girl that shuts everyone out?

Who’s going to love that monster in me, who’s going to love me now?

If you don't like honesty, I advise you to stop reading now. Some of the things that I am about to say may be "too much" for you. A few weeks ago I decided to sit down and write a book, a testimony. I didn't decide this because I wanted to be on the New York best selling list or to make money. In fact, after meditating in God's word one day He spoke to me "what good is a testimony if no one ever hears it?" He was right. I've have been through so much and I'm sure that those things can help someone. So before that book becomes a reality, let me introduce you to the real me.

My name is LaRonnica. When I was 16 my grandmother died and my life changed in ways that I could never imagine. The day after she died I woke up and ran to her house thinking it was all a dream. Every step, tears fell. Before I made it there I stepped into the middle of the street- while a truck was coming. I closed my eyes and told God to take me too. He didn't. When I made it to her house, she still wasn't alive. That night I prayed that I didn't wake up the next morning. I did. 

Fast forward a few months, I give birth to my son. Not one person realized that suffered from post-partum depression. So much so that one night I decided to drive my car into the other lane. A purple truck with a gray streak on the side swerved so that it wouldn't hit me. The person driving honked but kept going. I pulled over and cried. I yelled at God "Why don't you see that I'm hurting? Why can't you just end it now? Hell has to be better than this!" He didn't take me.

I never understood why God wouldn't just let me die. I felt that my life had absolutely no purpose. After my grandma died I refused to go to church. I refused to have faith in a God that would take her away and leave me here to rot. Years passed and never once did I pray. Eventually, I got back in church. 

About 9 months ago I was forced to believe in myself again. I was forced to stop questioning why me? You're never truly aware of your strengths until being strong is your only option. You don't know what it's like to stand on your own two feet until your crutches are knocked away. Over the past few months my faith has been tested in ways no one could ever imagine. Each time I was forced to hold on tighter to God. Do you know what it feels like to be in a room with people, laughing and talking but still feel extremely lonely and depressed? I do. It feels like falling off of a boat and you're going under the water, coming back up, gasping for air, then going back under. All the while there are people staring at you- not helping. At first that idea made me mad. But then I realized, that's God way of showing me how strong I am. All I had to do was stop panicking and believe, then I could make it back to the boat. Then I could tell people my testimony of how I made it.

I told myself I was bringing someone to Christ this year but little did I know that the most important person I would bring closer to Christ would be myself. How can someone else see what God can do if I don't show them. Now it's clear that all those times I wanted to die but didn't,that I had a purpose in life. 12 years ago when I stepped in front of that truck I didn't know think that I'd go through all these things that could help another person. There a reason God kept me. Now it's time for me to live up to that potential!

If I had of died that day I would have missed out of the beautiful things that God had (and has) in store for me. "The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." - Romans 8:18

HOLD ON JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER...

2014 is over and 2015 is here. Before I left 2014 I told myself that I would lead someone to Christ in this year. I don't plan on "changing" them- just leading them. God will do all the "cleaning" himself...

This past Sunday I sat in Sunday school listening to Sister Teacher H teaching and it seemed like everything that she was saying was meant for me. Then Pastor A began his sermon "What The Holy Spirit Does For Us (Romans 8:1-5)", again it was meant for me. I have felt sermons before but I've never FELT sermons before. Confusing, I know.

It was like the Holy Ghost was on fire inside of me. I can't explain, I just know it was an amazing feeling and I've been on a "high" every since. I felt the presence of the Lord and my Grandma Dorothy. Pastor said that what God wants more than anything is to be first in our lives. So during prayer I began to tell God that I was tired and that I needed Him- more than anything or anyone. I told Him that sometimes I feel hopeless, like I can't go on. I told Him that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I told him that I wanted a peace. I told Him that I wanted to existing and start living.

Then I began to sing "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary..." I wanted my heart and soul to be so full of the Lord that people didn't have to ask- they just knew. The Lord said "I give you life and I give it to you more abundantly." So why do we not serve Him the way we should. He wakes us up day after day. He watches over us as we sleep. Yet we still don't thank Him enough. We walk into a store and the person in front of us holds the door, we say thank you. We are reaching for something on a top shelf at Walmart, the person walking by grabs it, we say thank you. So why is it so hard to thank God in EVERY situation that occurs in our life?

Here lately, I've been so focused on how my life is and its not how I want it be. On December 19th my bank account was hacked and everything was stolen hours before I was supposed to pay for my son's bday party. I sat on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. I was so mad. I yelled out "WHY? Why me Lord? Why not anyone else?" In my mind, I had had it. I was done with trying to be obedient only to get slapped in the face. I messaged my best friend and told her I was losing faith and I couldn't hold on any longer. Luckily, she knew what to say to hold me up. Not even an hour later people had bought the cupcakes for the party, sent me money for the party, got to the bowling alley, and people had paid for the party. I went outside later and there was $100 bill on my windshield saying that I had been a blessing to them so they wanted to be a blessing to me.

AIN'T HE GOOD? WON'T HE DO IT? YES HE WILL!

So many times we find ourselves questioning God and the things that happen to us. Over the past few weeks I have learned that instead of asking God why I am in a situation, I need to ask Him to shape me to be better because of that situation. I need to be able to accept the outcomes and know that it's in His will. Whatever it is God is asking me to put down, it's only because he's preparing me to pick up something even greater.

2015 will be my year. I have claimed it. John 16:24 says "Until now you have asked for nothing in my name: ask, so that your joy be made full." So I asked for things. Things that I may not get in the year 2015 but I know it's coming because the Lord can and will make a way out of no way!

What's on that list you ask? Graduation. Financial stability. A house with a huge kitchen and LOTS of counter space. Maybe even a husband :)

As for now, I am on a mission to lead people to Christ this year. Will it be you? Or you? Or all of you reading this blog, past blogs, or future blogs.