After I read that quote I began to ask myself that over and over. Where is that person that I used to be? Before I allowed the world to put me in categories. Before I became a "statistic". Then I marinated on this: I don’t think people love the real me.
They love versions of me I have made to fit in.
Versions of that they constructed in their own minds.
The simple versions of LaRonnica.
The easy parts of her to love.
Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying?
The girl that hated herself?
The girl that lost control?
The girl that gets so sad sometimes that she can’t get out of bed?
The girl that shuts everyone out?
Who’s going to love that monster in me, who’s going to love me now?
If you don't like honesty, I advise you to stop reading now. Some of the things that I am about to say may be "too much" for you. A few weeks ago I decided to sit down and write a book, a testimony. I didn't decide this because I wanted to be on the New York best selling list or to make money. In fact, after meditating in God's word one day He spoke to me "what good is a testimony if no one ever hears it?" He was right. I've have been through so much and I'm sure that those things can help someone. So before that book becomes a reality, let me introduce you to the real me.
My name is LaRonnica. When I was 16 my grandmother died and my life changed in ways that I could never imagine. The day after she died I woke up and ran to her house thinking it was all a dream. Every step, tears fell. Before I made it there I stepped into the middle of the street- while a truck was coming. I closed my eyes and told God to take me too. He didn't. When I made it to her house, she still wasn't alive. That night I prayed that I didn't wake up the next morning. I did.
Fast forward a few months, I give birth to my son. Not one person realized that suffered from post-partum depression. So much so that one night I decided to drive my car into the other lane. A purple truck with a gray streak on the side swerved so that it wouldn't hit me. The person driving honked but kept going. I pulled over and cried. I yelled at God "Why don't you see that I'm hurting? Why can't you just end it now? Hell has to be better than this!" He didn't take me.
I never understood why God wouldn't just let me die. I felt that my life had absolutely no purpose. After my grandma died I refused to go to church. I refused to have faith in a God that would take her away and leave me here to rot. Years passed and never once did I pray. Eventually, I got back in church.
About 9 months ago I was forced to believe in myself again. I was forced to stop questioning why me? You're never truly aware of your strengths until being strong is your only option. You don't know what it's like to stand on your own two feet until your crutches are knocked away. Over the past few months my faith has been tested in ways no one could ever imagine. Each time I was forced to hold on tighter to God. Do you know what it feels like to be in a room with people, laughing and talking but still feel extremely lonely and depressed? I do. It feels like falling off of a boat and you're going under the water, coming back up, gasping for air, then going back under. All the while there are people staring at you- not helping. At first that idea made me mad. But then I realized, that's God way of showing me how strong I am. All I had to do was stop panicking and believe, then I could make it back to the boat. Then I could tell people my testimony of how I made it.
I told myself I was bringing someone to Christ this year but little did I know that the most important person I would bring closer to Christ would be myself. How can someone else see what God can do if I don't show them. Now it's clear that all those times I wanted to die but didn't,that I had a purpose in life. 12 years ago when I stepped in front of that truck I didn't know think that I'd go through all these things that could help another person. There a reason God kept me. Now it's time for me to live up to that potential!
If I had of died that day I would have missed out of the beautiful things that God had (and has) in store for me. "The pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." - Romans 8:18
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