Honestly, I wanna see you be brave...

Tomorrow Avi turns 9... his last year in the single digits. I am so proud of the person that he is growing into be, I can't wait to see the man he becomes. With the start of each new day he amazes me in a different way. He's smart, funny, handsome, and respectful. Before he was born I had no idea how you could love a person so much unconditionally. He is the ONLY person walking earth's surface that opinion matters to me. Because of him, I want to do better. He's the reason I get up every morning. He's the reason why I stay up so late at night studying. He's the reason I want to do better, be a better person. It's because of that spunky and feisty young man that I am the woman that I am today.

It cracks me up when people ask me about his biological father and I respond with "he signed over his rights". They always say things like "I couldn't imagine that..." Honestly, I couldn't imagine having him be in his life. Call me selfish but it's true. I have gotten to enjoy every milestone in Avion's life- without missing one thing. First steps, first words, first bite of "real food", first time he made a goal/touchdown/basket, fist time he made an A. I was there to see him get baptized. I get twice the the hugs and kisses. I get all of his cuddles. Nope, I couldn't imagine having to share him every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend. Never would I want to get him every other holiday...

That kid means more to me than I mean to myself. After God, Avi is my everything. If it wasn't for those tiny fingers and toes almost 9 years ago I doubt I'd be where I am today. Looking into his face makes me see the world in a much better light. I know, as well as the others he encounters, that he will become something great. He has more potential then some adults I know. I pray that he continues to succeed at each and everything he attempts... but even if he falls short I will be there shouting and cheering him on. Pushing him forward, because unknowingly he has pushed me forward. My wish for him is to never give up. EVER. To push on, even when he feels like he can't. I want him to keep God FIRST in all he does. I want him to continue to keep education a priority. I want him to stay in sports, to keep him out of trouble...

9 years ago I was given a second chance at life- no doubt about it. I was given a chance to "make it right". Every time the Lord allows me to wake up, I want to be better than yesterday, for Avion. Somewhere along this road while trying to teach him about life, Avion has taught me how to live. He's made me so proud in these short 9 years... && if nothing else, I wanna see him be brave.

Father, I pray for you...

I hardly ever speak about my biological father. For the most part it has to do with shame. I felt like I was burdened with him his mistakes. It's taken me some some time to actually get to a place to accept things. Our relationship hasn't been "good" since my grandma Dot died. I'll admit, I hated him. Back then I had hatred for quite a few people, God included. Not only did He take my Grandma but my daddy wasn't acting like a daddy anymore. No words can explain how that felt. I said a lot of things out of anger and hurt. Looking back, I wish I hadn't- but you live and you learn. I don't have "daddy issues". My mom married a man who has never once treated me as a step-daughter. And for the first 16 years of my life, my biological father could do no wrong in my eyes (of course he did, we all do).

A little over a year ago my daddy was locked up, the reason isn't important. At first I didn't care. Honestly, I had no remorse. One day I found myself writing him a long letter and cried with every word I wrote. Shockingly, he responded. Then I responded... so on and so on.

My daddy has never been a praying man. Or at least I've never thought of him in that way. The only time he came to church was on Christmas and Easter... probably because I was on the program. Back then it wasn't important to me that he wasn't there. I kinda wished I could have only showed up those two days. I don't remember my daddy saying he'd pray for me when I was going through something. I don't remember him tucking me in and praying with me. I don't remember him bowing his head at dinnertime. Even on those occasional Sundays at church I can't remember him closing his eyes as the pastor did alter call. I'm not saying he didn't do those things, I'm saying I don't remember. Over the past few months in our letters to each other we have said we'd pray for each other. No biggie, right? It's a BIG deal to me when you've never heard your daddy say he'd pray FOR you and WITH you after you've told him something you're struggling with...

Today, I read a letter from him. Nothing out of the ordinary. At first. As I got to the end of the letter, he told me he had been struggling with something (in a previous letter he asked what I thought he should do). When I wrote him back to respond to that letter I simply said, "Let it go and let God handle it. Don't worry and He'll give you peace." In today's letter he said the same day he wrote that letter to me and mailed it, he laid down and prayed to God about that situation. When he woke up the next morning God had given him the answers (before he even got my letter). You have no idea what an amazing feeling it is to have read that. I've never heard my daddy speak of God. Of course, all people "find Jesus" behind bars- as if He was non-existent in the "free world". As I neared the end of the letter my dad wrote "P.S: She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. -Proverbs 31:26"

Before I knew it, I was sitting here in tears. If that is not God, what is?! This time of year is hard for me due to it being my Grandma Dot's favorite time of the year and her birthday being Christmas Eve. I've also been struggling with other things. Reading that is what I needed. My daddy didn't know that. And I'm 1000% sure he had no idea of where to go in the Bible for that verse. He couldn't Google "what is something nice to say to my daughter?". There's not an app for that...

IT WAS GOD! The Lord knew my needs. He knew what I needed to see and knew that it would be a great and powerful message coming from my daddy. I'm completely and utterly overwhelmed right now...

Maybe when my daddy gets out of jail our relationship will go right back to what it was before he went in- hell. Then again, maybe he has changed back to the daddy I used to know and love. Either way, right here, right now this is what we BOTH need. He needs to be behind those bars STUDYING the word of God and send me messages. I need to be able to say how I feel and vent (even through a letter) and not be afraid of what my daddy will say/think. Our strained relationship needed this time.

Nipping It In The Bud.

 I have always been taught that if I have nothing nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all... some people wonder why I am so quiet around them. If you do me wrong, don't expect me to strike up a random conversations with you- I WON'T. Am I going to be rude every time I see you? Nope. If you speak, I'll say "hey" and go on about my day. I could say a lot. I could be just as immature. But I don't. It's a choice. I let you think what they want.

I let you say what you want.  There's not really a point in trying to prove myself to you. Despite the facts, you'll still form your own opinion. However what you say does not define me. It does not cause me to lose sleep. It doesn't cause stress or lack of eating. In other words you didn't make me so you shall not break me. But if trying to bring me down makes you feel better, by all means go ahead. My life will not stop due to your ignorance. In fact, the Bible says "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10). As much as I would like to entertain your mediocre advances, I won't. Lord knows the old me wouldn't hesitate but as I have learned though my walk with Jesus is that He will deal with those people who harm ("The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace" -Exodus 14:14). Whether you see it or not, I am a changed person. Yes, my past has it's spots but who's doesn't? I am 100% content with my life because I have given it over God. He doesn't hold my past against me. He knows I'm not perfect but he loves me- flaws and all. He sees my progress and He's okay.

I've been through a lot, more than your simple mind could ever comprehend. It's not because I am on some sort of "high horse" it's because I am tired of the same stuff day in and day out. I don't have to complain because I have the abilities to change my circumstance (as do you). I will not dim my light to make you feel better. If you're constantly saying someone thinks they're better than you, yet you've never heard them say that OBVIOUSLY ITS YOU WHO THINKS THAT- NOT THEM! It makes you look pathetic. Not them. To purposely try to hurt or harm someone is dumb. You are allowing your true colors to show and let me just say, I wouldn't want to color with them. I've prayed for things to happen in my life and they have. It's a great feeling. It's unexplainable. No matter what it is you're planning I will be the victor because I have the Lord on side. What do you have beside your little minions? I pray for my family and friends every night. Then I pray for those who have harmed me, you will be added to list. I honestly pray that in some way He speaks to you. I know that deep down there is some under lying issue that you're going through and instead of seeking God's wisdom you lash at. Other may look the other way until you're over it. Some may laugh and make you feel as if it's okay. But me, I won't do either. I'm at the point in my life where negativity has no place. Even if that means cutting people loose. I am doing what's best for me- no one else. I don't expect you to understand it. Maybe one day you will.

"Your relatives, members of your own family-- even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you, Do not trust them, though they speak well of you."  -Jeremiah 12:6

God Given Gifts

The other day while in the teacher's workroom a teacher asked me if I had ever considered going into counseling. She went on to tell me that she reads my statuses and blogs and it seems like I have a lot to offer people due to the stuff I have been through. Something she said stuck with me " You are going to do great things one day..."

Honestly, I did entertain the idea of counseling my senior year in high school. I said something about it once to a teacher- he mocked me and laughed. After that I never really gave it anymore thought. However she was right. I do have a lot to offer people. I have been through a lot. I haven't always liked to talk about it. For the most part, I kept it to myself. Who would care about the problems little ole me faced? Back then it never crossed my mind that somewhere someone else was going through a similar situation. Truth is, we all go through problems some times. I don't care how much money you have or how many degrees you possess. You may not publically go through it and your close family/friends may not even notice...

It's a very humbling experience when someone approaches you and tells you that you are a good writer and could do so much for others. I've heard many preachers talk about God given gifts and wondered what mine is. Maybe it's my writing. Maybe it's the fact that my shell has been broken and I no longer feel the need to hide or be ashamed of my past. Maybe all of those obstacles I faced was God showing me my TRUE strength. Maybe those things that left me crying in my bed some nights were SUPPOSED to happen so that I can testify to some other soul who feels just as lost as I did. Maybe becoming a single parent was a good thing because look at how hard it pushed me to succeed. Maybe I went through those heartbreaks so that I would be able to tell another girl that life goes on after he leaves. Maybe I didn't get that job because the Lord saw fit that there was something even greater for me.

Sometimes, people hurt so bad that you have to do more than PREACH a message, you have to BE a message to them. If my life is that message, so be it. If something I went through helps someone else not have to go through it, so be it.  I am slowly learning to let God use me to help someone else. No, I can't save the world. But I do believe that I have a purpose to save someone- even just one life. I don't know how or when but I know that with God's grace there is something beautiful blossoming from me, just watch!

The most dangerous place in the world? Between a mother and her son!

For the past 8 (almost 9) years I have had the privilege of being the mother to the most amazing kid ever created (in my eyes). I'm sure all mothers feel that way about their children. If you don't, you don't have a pulse. Through all of my highs and lows it has been that kid that has pulled me through or pushed me harder. The bond between mothers and sons are unbreakable but ours possess some sort of magic...

When I started this blog I vowed that I would be honest- no matter what. No matter the topic. So here is a topic that I don't like talking about because it's emotional for me. I'll address it though...

A'vion's father walked out on me when I was pregnant with him. Silly me, I wanted a family for my son so after he was born we tried it again. Whatever "it" was, it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be. I accepted that. He was a lesson learned- I swore I would never settle for less than I deserve and I haven't, for A'vion's sake. Through the years we heard from the donor of sperm MAYBE once a year- if that. By "heard" I mean he would message me on facebook (and myspace). For the most part the messages all sounded the same "How are you guys doing? I've been thinking about you..." Of course I would direct the conversation to Avion. Then and argument would occur. Normally those arguments would get me down. Last night was different. He messaged me the typical message. I responded. He asked if Avion played sports and wanted to know the game schedule. THIS IS WHERE I STRUGGLED. So I texted two of my close friends for advice. I prayed over it. Then I sat my son down and tried to explain to him the situation. Anyone who knows my son, knows he is absolutely intelligent. His response to inviting the donor of sperm to a game was "If he didn't want to be in my life then, why does he want to come to a game now? If he is my REAL DAD why isn't he REALLY here with me (in my life)?" Those words crushed me. I had no explanation for that. Then again, it's not my place to explain that. So when I messaged the donor of sperm back with Avion's response he tells me I should of told Avion I kept him away and that I made him sign over his rights. I don't like to argue about past situations. But let's be clear about a  few things:
1.) He had 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend visitations (per court papers). He was to pick Avi up at 6pm on Fridays and return him to me no later then 6pm on Sundays.
Call me crazy but when I get a text message at 5:30 Sunday evening saying I am not bringing him back, I'll bring him to you Tuesday that boiled my blood. So yes, me and my sister drove to a different city and I took my child from you. And you wanted me to explain this to Avion. What was I supposed to say? That the entire time I had o endure some of your family members calling me out of my name. That each of those weekends I had to send a car-seat and baby bag full of clothes, pampers, formula, bottles, wipes, pacis, etc because you didn't have any!
2.) I asked you to sign over your rights. At any time you could have said no. You could have fought for your rights IF YOU WANTED TO.  Before you signed on the dotted line you should have thought about the future  or the damage you may cause. Yes, I asked because at the time I was having to count child support as income for my financial aid and my rent. I wasn't receiving any support and I didn't think that was fair. I sat in my landlord's office in tears because she was going to raise my rent. I gave her my password to the attorney general's website so she could see for herself (and print out) that I in fact was not receiving any support. You and your father went to my lawyer's office AHEAD OF TIME AND SAT OUTSIDE waiting for them to draw up paperwork for the termination of rights. Who paid $1100? Me, that's who. Did I complain? HELL NO.
3.) You supported a child that you never got to see? What support was that? The $4 or $5 dollars I got in child support every few months? Or the $1.31 that was my first payment and I laughed about then took Avi to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate- just because I could. Or the income tax refund that was taken from you and given to me AFTER the termination of rights because you had been behind in child support. Then I had to endure being told what a bad mother I was. How I was "raising my son white y letting him play the guitar and play soccer..."
It takes a hell of a whole lot more than money and coming to sporting events to be a parent. No one but God knows the tears I have cried because I had no clue how to raise a child, let alone be a single mother at the age of 17. I could have easily been a coward like you and put him off on someone else. But I wasn't raised that way. As scared and confused as I was I stepped and did what I was supposed to do AS A MOTHER. I could have easily been one of those moms who used the child to keep the father around, but why? I was much to strong for that- even when I didn't believe I was. I am far from a perfect mother but I would give that little boy my last breath if I had to. I was there for his first steps, every stomach virus, his first word, his first time kicking a soccer ball into a goal, his first 100 on a spelling test, every fall or scrape of the knee, everything that upset him. You don't know how big his eyes light up when he accomplishes something- even if it is small. You have no clue that he gets upset when I order pepperoni pizza and don't get jalapenos. You don't know that in second grade he got so obsessed with Titanic that he he saved up all his money to buy books on it. You have no idea that he likes to watch Law and Order to see if he can figure out the crime before the detectives. You missed out on some amazing things that he has done. He's one of the smarted kids I know. When he's passionate about something he puts his all into it. He loves helping others. He is funny and tells the most lamest jokes but I still laugh anyways. You don't know that when he grows up he wants to be a spy. You have no idea that he is already picking out colleges that he wants to attend.
YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE. Don't blame me because you were a coward. For once, accept that you messed up. You wanted me to tell him "everything". Well I couldn't. Because then I would have had to tell him about all of lies, the cheating, the abuse, you getting one of my "best: friends pregnant, the gun, how you had a girlfriend that live in the same apartments as us and you never came to see him... need I go on? No sir, I don't have to tell him anything, he's smart and he understands a lot more than a normal 8 year old. I don't have to put you down (and I have never done that), the fact that you aren't in his life does that. If blaming me makes you feel better about yourself, go do that. But one day he may want to meet you. I can only pray that by then you have manned up. Or maybe when he's older he'll stumble across this very blog...

Put it in ALL of the papers, I'm not afraid. They can read all about it.

What is understood does not need to be explained. Obviously, you don't understand. So let me explain....
I have never once thought that I was "better" than anyone. I believe that we are all afforded the same opportunities. What we do with those opportunities is up to us. I refuse to allow any one the joy in seeing me fail. I refuse to allow anyone to be able to hold anything I've done in the past against me. You can not and will not dictate my future. Plain and simple. Since you want to throw hissy fits and TRY to throw "slugs" and wanna talk about my past, here it goes:

Let's talk about all of the worries and tears I had as a 17 year old pregnant girl in her senior year of high school. Let's talk about what it was like to be told (by family) how I was never going to amount to anything as a single mother. Let's talk about how I missed ONE DAY of my senior year and begged my doctor to allow me to go back to school so that I could be able to graduate with my class. Let's talk about how I worked until the day I went into labor and then returned to work not even three weeks later. Let's talk about how I NEVER asked Avion's biological father for anything. Everything that he needed I provided. Did I do it alone? No. I had help from my parents and sister. Let's talk about how I did graduate ON TIME. Let's talk about how I went to college and got TWO DEGREES. Let's talk about how I received my Basic Peace Officer Certificate. Let's talk about how I worked 12 hour night shifts and never once missed one of Avi's soccer games, classroom parties, or field trips. Let's talk about all of the sacrifices that I have made for him and never once have I regretted a thing.

So you see, for all the bad you think you know- I've done twice as much good. I'm not perfect. I do not claim to be. But for all of those things that I have done in the past, I have asked God to forgive me. I have a peace with my past, something you will never know because you are too simple minded. By trying to expose someone or "air their dirty laundry" because your mad shows not only your immaturity but your ignorance. I could definitely be as silly as you and start naming off the LONG list of the skeletons in your closet. I could make Facebook statuses to get people to like or comment on to be messy. But what would that prove? That I am just as ignorant as you! And I am not. It's always been said that the people that frown upon you the most is "your own kind". In my situation "my kind" isn't other black people, it's family. What a sad sad case.

I will not ever belittle myself or dumb myself down to make you feel better. Misery loves company and I am too blessed to allow you to bring me down with your miserable-ness. The difference between me and you isn't that I think that I am better. The difference is that I refuse to settle. PERIOD. Another difference between us is that I don't care what anyone walking this earth's surface thinks of me. I don't care about their judgments or who they think I am. What you think of me or say about my past won't push me into hell any more than it will stop me from entering into heaven.
Avi's father wasn't good for me- lesson learned. I didn't try to make him stick around because I had his child. I accepted the responsibility. My close "friends" backstabbed me- lesson learned. I don't go out to eat or clubbing with them. And I sure as hell don't share a baby daddy with my friends. I majored in criminal justice for 6 years and got my BPOC and worked at the jail for a year, I hated it- lesson learned. I didn't continue to wallow in self pity, I got up and found something I am passionate about- teaching. I got tired of getting cars from the mom and pop dealerships- lesson learned. I went out and got me a newer model car. The ONLY help I got was my step dad cosigning. I didn't ask him or my mom for my down payment. I don't like certain parts of this town- so why would I live there and raise my child there? It's not called being better, it's called not settling. My car isn't this nicest but it's mine. My job isn't the best but I love those students as if they were my own. My apartment isn't in the nicest neighborhood but I don't have to worry at night.

Am I so independent that I don't need help? NO FREAKING WAY. The Bible says that pride comes before your biggest downfall. Do I need help? At times. But I can honestly say that any money that I have ever gotten from my parents or sister, I have paid them back. When I have extra money I give it to them or buy them things. I don't wait for handouts. I don't think this world owes me a damn thing. Everything I got, I've worked my ass off to have and I will not feel bad for it. Instead of saying "she thinks she's better..." stop settling. Stop settling for that guy that shows you a little attention. If he can't do for you AND YOUR KIDS, why are you entertaining him? MOVE ON. For the past three years the same man has been in my life. Even when we aren't doing well, he still does for Avion. And if we ended tomorrow, he would continue to play the father role in my son's life because that is the kind of bond they have. Can you say that about the boys you have in and out of your bed?

What I am tired of is how the first thing that comes out of your mouth when your mad is "she thinks she's better...". SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. Your just not happy with your life and want others to feel just as bad. BUT I WON'T. I WILL NOT feel bad for anything. My kid wears name brands because I work hard to buy it for him. But he also wears stuff from WalMart. And I love me some Goodwill, thrift stores, and garage sales.

That saying "blood is thicker than water" is only true when it comes to science. I'm tired of all of this insanity. No longer will I allow it in my life. If I don't speak to you, oh well. Get over it. It's not that I think I am better, it's that you are too messed up in the head and I have no room for that. You are who you surround yourself with and I am not going to become a Debbie Downer like you. As family, I love you. But I do not have to like you. I do not have to pretend to like you. I do not have to speak to you. SO I WON'T. Don't expect me to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. No, I will not cook for you, bake you a cake, babysit your children, drive you to the store, let you borrow money, or give you some of what I have. Instead I will pray even harder that the Lord guides you to get all of that evilness, hatred, selfishness, and ignorance out of your heart and soul. The devil comes in many forms- even family. With that being said, I am letting go and letting God handle all of that mess you bring. Go serve it up to someone else. I don't need it nor want it. Goodbye.

Just Keep Swimming

One thing that I've learned in the past 26 years is that often times the minute you feel like giving up a breakthrough is soon to come. So many times I've wanted to quit. Throw in the towel. Straight up give in. Then some sign from God appears assuring me that I'm gonna be just fine. For the past 8 1/2 years that sign came in the form of the most adorable kid I've ever laid eyes on. Sometimes that sign was remembering something my Grandma Dot had said. Sometimes that sign was getting a phone call or text from my mom or sister. Whatever form that sign came in or will come in, it pushed me to hold on a little tighter. With every heartbreak. Every tear. Every disappointment. Every trial and tribulation... there's been this little voice inside of me saying "you can do it, but you gotta keep going..."
Its hard to keep going when you feel like you have no strength to persevere. Its hard when you feel like you're carrying the weight of thw world on your shoulders, with no one to pass it to so you can take a break. Its hard to keep going when the harder you pray for peace the devil serves up a heaping plate of hell! Its hard when you cry yourself to sleep each night because you just don't know but then wake up the next morning forcing a smile so no one will ask "whats wrong?"
Do you even care or are you just nosey?

However, life can be summed up in three words: it goes on!
He broke my heart. Life went on. I lived before him, I'll live after him.
She stabbed me in my back. Life went on.
My grandma died. Life went on.
I became a single parent. Life went on.
I made a bad grade. Life went on.
I lost my job. Life went on.
Friends became enemie. Life went on.
Life went on.
It went on.
 IT. WENT. ON.

Sometimes, you gotta wipe away the tears. Get over your fears. Put your big girl panties on. Look life in the face and say BRING IT...
&& just keep swimming.

Oh, I wish...

 

As I sit here thinking about the past ten years I still can not believe that you're not here. I never imagined my life without you and I honestly don't know how I have survived this long without you. You were my "go-to". If there was ever a question I didn't have an answer for you did.  The day you died, a piece of me was lost. Maybe it died with you. There are times that my heart aches so bad that I just want to curl up and cry. But what would that solve? Tears won't bring you back, trust me I've cried a million trillion billion of them. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. I cry. I read a Bible verse, it reminds me of you. I cry. I see an older woman in bifocals, it reminds me of you. I cry. Sometimes thunder storms make me cry. Christmas Eve will never be the same for me. For years I didn't eat Chicken & Dressing. The smell made me miss you. The thing that hurts the most is that you weren't here for some of the most important days of my life. You didn't see me graduate high school or either of my college graduations. You didn't see me graduate from the police academy. You didn't see me give birth to A'vion. He will never know the warmth you give. He'll never know what your hugs feel like. He'll never know your undeniable faith. You aren't here to see me be a mother, I'm not the best but I am trying. You won't be here to see me get my teaching certificate. You won't be here to see me walk down the aisle. I know that it's selfish to want you here but I NEED YOU HERE. Ten years later and it still doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that I have to hold back tears sometimes so no one will see my pain. It doesn't seem fair that others have their grandmas and they only go visit them on holidays or special occasions. I've finally gotten over blaming myself for your death but it doesn't make this pain any less. This year, daddy isn't here for me to go to. He understood my pain. He didn't care about my tears. The pain is here. It's real. It's hard for me to breathe. 

Today I will cry. I will scream. I will shout. I will curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head. I will mourn you. I will pray. And anyone who tells me it's past time to be over you will get punched in the face....

This is my now

Its been a year since Iost my job at the sheriff's office.
A YEAR. 365 DAYS.

I'll admit, I was afraid at first. I had no clue what I would I do next. There were days (and many nights) I found myself in tears. I felt unworthy for so many reasons. I had let a job define my worth. A JOB! I remember praying that the Lord would bless me with a job. Any job. I was willing to settle. Looking back, I wonder where I would be if He had of answered that prayer. Definitely not here...
Where is here? Here is finding out who I am. Here is finding out what makes me happy. Here is being able to spend more time with my son. Here is not having to sacrifice my health, sanity, faith, or life for a job.

Soon after losing my job, I was given the opportunity to be able to work with children. I was nervous. Actually, that's an understatement. That opportunity turned into a huge blessing.  Over the past year I have grown so close to some amazing children, whom I feel are my own. On Monday, I start on my third degree... a teacher certificate. After 7 years of crimina justice, a lot of people think I'm crazy. But I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. In fact, I know it is. I find myself missing my students, I never missed any inmates. I have a chance to change lives. I have to the chance to make an impact on a child's life (in a good way). The inmates were usually too far gone. I love being out in public and having these little munchkins run up to me with smiles and his, instead of ducking and dodging ex inmates. It feels amazing to be appreciated. It feels great to say I have a career, not a job.
Sure, I'm afraid of this new chapter. But I'm hella excited too!  I know that God will guide me and keep me, so I'm not worried. Right here. Right now. This is where I am supposed to be!

My Body.

I'm 5'2.
116 lbs.
My legs measure 31".
My stomach measures 29".

I am the girl that LOVES to take pictures but has never been comfortable in my own body.

When I was younger it was my big head and lips that made me insecure. People had always made fun of them & laughed along with them, all the while hurting inside. As I grew older it was my butt & boobs- or lack there of. In middle school and the beginning of high school I was told I had no shape. Now its my...
Well, pretty much everything. I hate my stomach. I hate that my legs rub together. I hate that I am now in a size 5 when last year I was a size 3. I hate that my hair is at an awkward phase and seems to have stopped growing. I hate that my arms jiggle. For the past month, maybe even longer, I've been in a constant struggle with myself about my body. I have been working out on/off.

But I'm still not happy.

I almost had an emotional breakdown & talked to a few friends. They gave me some really encouraging words to help me out of my funk. But it wasn't until today, while sitting on my couch (tired from running two miles), I had an "ahaa" moment...

I was watching Wendy Williams (yes I watch it sometimes), and her guest was Alyssa Milano. Alyssa was talking about her young son. Wendy asked her about her weight and if she felt pressured to lose it. Alyssa said "I was 170 lbs when I gave birth. I am 5'2, that's huge for my frame. But the moment I held my son I could have cared less about those pounds. I realized my body was made to do profound things. My stomach or body will never be the same but so what?"

I sat there glued to my seat. Oh how right she is! I gave birth to Avion over 8 years ago, my thighs spread and will probably never be back to a size 0 that I was in High School. My stomach isn't the flattest but at one point not there was a child in there. Another life! A woman's body was created for child birth. Her hips are supposed to spread.

I was made in the image of the Lord. He makes no mistakes, why think He started with me? I'll have days when I still want to put on sweats and stay in bed but then I'll also have days when I feel beautiful- inside and out.

Church Folks.

After my Grandma died in 2003 I stopped going to church for a LONG time. I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at myself. And the few times I did walk through a church door I felt the stares. I could smell the judgments (I was a young mom after all). But I wonder if any of those Christians realized they were doing more harm than helping? Then I heard this song by Lyfe Jennings and it made me realize I wasn't alone. And I could judge those Christians back BUT I'd be in the same situation as them, so I won't judge YOU know, I'll pray for you. On the other hand, I can have church at my own house, after all it's not about the buidling- it's about the soul and believe me my soul is in the Lord.

 

MADE UP MY MIND: LYFE JENNINGS

 

Lord, they really think they foolin' you, by comin' to church on Sunday...

Prayin' and layin' hands on folks.

Stompin' and jumpin' around, fakin' the Holy Ghost. 

But it's a thin line between walkin' it and talkin' it.

 

And livin' it and givin' it or just pretendin' it's alright.

And did they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes?

Lord, did they really think that by fakin' they were saved that they would get the same reward?

And Lord who they think they jivin' by singin' these songs full of glory?

Then out in the world it's a different story I'm runnin' out of people to pray for me! And I'm not tryin' to act like I'm the perfect woman

But if you speak about it, you should be about it.

Not just preach about it all day.

 

Cause if you do you run the risk of chasin' some of the most beautiful people away.

 

And it is never my intention to discourage you. 

Rather encourage you to change your life today.

So that maybe thy will, will be done On Earth as it is in Heaven.
&& hopefully they will see How much they really be discouragin' a little old sinner like me. 

Im not sure....

It's 12:52, I pull into my apartments and it hits me how "uncertain" I am. I wouldn't call it depression... Much more of uncertainty. I just spent the last 4 hours away and I smiled, laughed, giggled, joked... Pretty much the happiest I've been in awhile. Yet I turn my turning signal on towards the apartments and it hits me how unhappy I am....
Its time to fix that! I should not feel this way to a place I pay half of the rent. Neither should I keep pretending as if I am happy. A change is gonna come. Soon. And very soon.
No more feeling as if I am "begging". What's meant to be will be and what's not won't ever be. If its in His will, I'll have it. If its not, I won't. Simple. As. That.
Confession: I tend to allow people to stay in my life more than they deserve due to me not wanting other people to judge me. Honestly, screw you! Only God can judge me. Why should I suffer for your lack of maturity?! She can have it. Lord knows I can do bad by myself! Adios.

Before the Ring

Everyone keeps asking me about marriage. On one hand I think I may be ready, on the other I am not so sure. Of course, I want to. What girl doesn't?! In fact, I have pretty much planned it out. During a recent conversation with my pastor, he asked me if I have heard about the book Before the Ring. He told me to go get it. We were talking about my current relationship situation (whatever that is). It got me thinking...

When you get married, "two become one". I know what I want and I know what I won't settle for- which is why I am not married now. I have a few fears...
(1) becoming fat- but that's another blog (sooner rather than later).
(2) being a horrible mother (who's kid is just as horrible)
(3) marrying someone who doesn't take my kid as their own...

You see, I am a packaged deal. When I marry someone I want it to be FOREVER. So it was to be right. Like Bible right. When we get married will Avion be introduced as a son or a step-son, there's a difference! Will he be "my son" or "our son". What happens if I have another child by my husband, will Avi be treated differently? Will I resent that second child because my husband cares more for his biological child rather than the child he gained by marriage? REAL QUESTIONS!

I also like to know things. No so much as being controlling or noisy BUT I do expect my husband to be able to tell me where he is going, as well as me telling him. I expect us to have a great sense of communication- because that is key in any relationship, especially a marriage.

I don't think I could ever be a stay at home mom. I am easily bored. Not to mention that I have a huge problem depending on people. One thing I fear most about marriage is becoming too dependent on my husband. What if he leaves? What happens then?

Another thing my pastor said during our conversation is that I have to get over my insecurities. I have to learn to let go of the past hurt and pain. I need to learn to open up and share my feelings. <-- None of those things come natural to me. My guard is always up. I don't like letting people in (because I am afraid that I'll get hurt). Even the Bible says "Above all else guard your heart".

I am slowly learning that it is okay to let someone in. It's okay if I let go of all of the past hurts- they are only bringing me down. Just because someone hurt me in the past doesn't mean that people in my future will do the same- even if I do get hurt again, it's okay! It's only prepping me to become an amazing wife, right?!

Let it Shine

Let me start off by saying that I have an amazing pastor. He is someone that I can go to who is nonjudgmental and gives some of the best advice. He took over our church a few years ago. At the time I was not into church- whatever that mean. When my grandma Dot died (almost) 10 years ago I was very angry at God. I questioned Him and was extremely upset. I never went back to True Vine (my Grandma's church) again. I would go to my MawMaw's church every once in a while. Don't get me wrong, after I got over the frustration and depression I asked for God to forgive me for questioning Him. I still prayed. I still talked to God. But it was mostly when I needed Him. About four and half years ago I went to a church service at Mt. Elem (my church home now), I was going through a tough time and I really needed some sort of direction. The sermon that day really spoke to me! Something inside of me moved that day. I remember texting one of the ladies at the church and asking her how I could rededicate my life. A few days later the pastor came to me and we spoke about rededicating my life to God. Pastor Anthony asked me if I had been saved before, I replied yes. He asked me how I knew and I said "I was baptized when I was little..." He smiled and said how else I knew. I drew a blank and stood there looking at him. He asked me if I had ever prayed the sinner's prayer. I shook my head. He handed me a Bible and told me to turn to Romans 10:9-10 and say the verse out loud... "(9)If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe with your heart that God raised Him from the dead, thou shall be saved. (10) For with the heart you believe unto righteousness and with the mouth you confess- giving you salvation." After reading this he held my hand and prayed over me. I started taking classes with Pastor Anthony and got baptized (when I truly understood the meaning). There was a lot that I kept inside. Stuff that no one ever knew because I was too afraid or too ashamed to tell. But when I was in class (one on one) with pastor, I could say it and not worry. I remember on Father's day that year I explained to him how I had hatred for my biological father. He listened to my whole story. He handed me tissue as I cried. He then pointed me back to the Bible (thou shall honor your father and mother).

Fast forward until last night... at Bible study Pastor pulled me aside and spoke with me. He told me that he was proud of me for being in the young adult Easter skit. He was surprised to see me because usually had an excuse as to why I couldn't do something. I told him how excited I was to be a part of it and how the play had touched me. He responded with "why haven't you done anything about that?" I was confused. He then went on to say that God blesses us so that we can bless others. Even if it's with a simple story of how we got through a situation. Maybe there is someone going through that situation and feels as if there is no way out... I'm 25 (26 in a few months) but I have been through a lot.

I've had people who mean the world to me let me down.
I've had people who were supposed to be here for me, walk away or say things that hurt me to the core. I've loved and lost.
I had a baby when I was 16.
I was told by family that I would never be anything if I kept my son.
I was told by a customer I was headed to hell for having a kid out of marriage.
I was told by the world that I couldn't raise a kid as a single mother and make it out (statistics).
I've been told that I am too fat. My head is too big. I'm not pretty enough...

But I got over it. I GOT OVER IT! I moved past it. I overcame it. It was hard. Extremely hard. A million tears and sleepless nights. Thousands of hows, whens, whys. Hundreds of doubts. If I learned nothing else I learned that I am one strong person. Looking back on the past few years I have no clue as to how I overcame it, other than faith....

So why keep that all inside? Why not share it with someone else? I am sure than somewhere someone is going through or will go through what I went through and need some light to be shed. SO THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE. LET IT SHINE. LET IT SHINE. OH, LET IT SHINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Confession: Many nights I prayed to God to take my life. I questioned my purpose. I questioned why He had let things happen to me. Never once did I ask God, "why not me?" I still have NO CLUE what my purpose is in life, however I know that the Lord has something spectacular planned. One say soon, real soon, I will stand before a crown and tell them my marvelous testimony. Don't worry- I'll post it in my blog too! :)

Overboard

Here lately, I feel  ____________. In case you didn't get it, it's blank. People keep asking me "are you okay" and I honestly have no answer. How do I feel? I feel so much that I feel nothing at all. Complete numbness.
I am upset that I am not where I should be in life. But where is that?! Where should I be? Who says I should be there? When I get there, do I stay there or keep pushing for more? So many times have I felt like giving up. Throwing in the towel. Sometimes it gets so bad all I can say is "Lord, help me." I cry. I scream. I look to Him and keep repeating "Lord, help me." LORD, HELP ME.
On the outside looking in, it may seem like I have it all together. But inside I am a mess. A hot mess! I have the inability to tell people no. "Ms. McCurdy can you do... " -Yes. "LaRonnica, will you...." -Of course. I once heard a someone say a pro is a person who does so many things and makes it look easy. Trust me, it's not that simple. Far. From. It.
I laid on my couch the other night, fighting back tears. I was in one of those moods where I felt as if I was drowning. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean, going under and coming up gasping for air- only to go right back under. While I feel like this all of my friends and family are in boats surrounding me- yet no one has threw out a life jacket to help save me...
Once I fell asleep that night I began dreaming... I can't recall how it started but I do remember I felt like there was a person after me, trying to kill me or something. I kept running from place to place and the person kept trying to get me. I got to my Grandma Dot's house. I was explaining all of it to her when the person was outside in the street, standing there, dressed in all black. I was so afraid. Then all of a sudden we weren't in the house, we were in an open space. The person started coming toward us. When I looked at my Grandma she started to walk away. I tried to follow her and she told me it wasn't my time to go yet. She said I had to stay and fight. I told her I couldn't. I told her I had no strength left. I just wanted to run away with her. Before she disappeared she said something. One word. "Faith".
Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up and start my busy day.
If if wasn't for faith, I have no clue where I would be. I am grateful that the Lord's amazing grace is covering me. Sometimes I have no clue how I am going to make it to the next second. And something happens to reassure me I'll make it until the next minute. Then the next hour, next day, next week, next month, next year...  My life was easier when my grandma was around. It was simple. I had no worries. I felt invincible. She had an answer to every question. But was that healthy? I guess that eventually I would have had to get out and figure things out myself. That's life. It gives you the tests first then the lesson afterwards. Of course, I am not where I feel I should be. That's because I'm acting in "self". However I am where God wants me. Do I understand why? Not. At. All. But one say I will look back at this very moment, possibly this very blog post, and a light bulb will go off. That defining moment will come and I will be glad for those tears shed. In times of weakness is when I began to find my true strength.
CONFESSION: They say life is from B to D (birth to death). But what's between B and D? It's a C. It is a choice. Life is full of choices. I can choose to stay overboard and drown or I can choose to swim my ass off until I make it to shore. I will feel so much better when my feet are on solid land. Of course, it won't be easy and my arms may get tired. I can stop to take a breath, as long as I keep kicking my feet so I won't go under!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

One Woman Can.

One Woman Can.
&& that one woman is ME.

I sell Mary Kay, so this past weekend I went to a career conference. This was my first one and I was pretty hesitant. I paid $80 a couple months back but kept trying to find an excuse as to why I shouldn't go. The days leading up to the conference I kept saying I was going to text my director and cancel. But something would happen and I would forget. Well Thursday rolls around and its the day before I leave. Needless to say, I had no other choice but to go.

So I went.

And I must admit I am glad that did. Not only did I have a great time with a wonderful group of women, I learned a lot of stuff. Most importantly, I learned more about myself...
I am wonderfully and fearfully made by Him. Who is Him? The Lord, of course. I felt so much of His presence in those meetings. So much knowledge gained. Four top millionaires talked to us about their journeys through Mary Kay. Funny thing is, they had the same doubts as I do...
Here I am, almost 26 years old, a single parent. I have two college degrees and a basic peace officer certificate. But I want nothing to do with criminal justice. I worked in that field and learned I disliked it. Now I work with children and I absolutely adore them. I also love that I'm at home more with my own son. I don't have to depend in my parents to help raise him because I'm working night shifts.

I may never be like those four top millionaires that spoke to us but I will succeed at whatever I put my mind on because I have the Lord on my side. He says "Be still and I will fight your battles.". If He is WITH me, which can be AGAINST me?

Confession: The day I went on administrative leave from my old job I went to a MK meeting. I signed my agreement that night. I was afraid that I had just wasted $100. Looking back, I see that I gained so much more! I am amongst God-fearing women who have the same goals and dreams as I do. I have people who motivate me and encourage me to push forward. I wasn't getting that at my old job. I used to work from 6pm-6am and hardly ever saw my son. Now I'm always at home. I tuck him at night. I tell him I love him & kiss his cheeks. I am at every soccer game to see every goal he makes. Mary Kay didn't give me extra money, it gave me "me" back. It helped me find myself. I can finally breathe!

If not now, then when...

"Why put off til tomorrow what you can do today?"

I hated that saying growing up. Boy, did I hear it. A LOT! I'm not saying I was a lazy child. Okay, maybe just a little. But I figured, I have the time why can't it wait?
Fast forward some years...

I've come to realize we actually don't have time. So many young people have lost their lives over small insignificant things. Older people pass on... Its just their time to go. I often say I have no regrets. But if I could have one "do over", it'd be to call my grandma on July 24, 2003 and tell her how much I appreciated her. How much I loved her. How she was my best friend. My protector. But you know what I used that last phone call for? To complain how much my sister got on my nerves. To complain. My last words to her was a complaint. Nearly ten years and I still beat myself up over that.

If her death taught me nothing else, it taught me not to put off things. If you love someone, say it. If you you miss them, tell them. If they hurt you, bring it to light.

I wear my heart on my sleeves. I cry at sappy chick flicks. Let's not even get started on Lifetime movies/shows. I had this ex boyfriend, my first love. I just knew we'd get married. Obviously we didn't, lol. But back then no one could have told me differently. So many break ups and make ups and not once did I love him any less. So many other girls. And guys. But my heart had never left him.  9 years of that. It got old. All of those empty "I'm sorrys". Those heartless "I love yous". I used to see him and wonder what if. Thankfully now I am over those. What if can tear you up inside!

I have no problem telling a person how I feel. Good or bad. I've settled for way less than I've deserved. But not anymore. No more putting my all in something to only get a portion back. I love hard. I get stressed and cranky. But if you cant handle me at my worst, you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best!!! If you can't understand that, adios!

Confession: Once, after breaking up with that above ex,  I was extremely heart broken. He had moved on and had no problem flaunting his new girlfriend in my face. Talk about broken! One day I got the courage to tell him how I felt. We got back together for a few years. But of course it ended. What's so great about that, huh? I found a courage I never knew I had. 20 seconds of extreme courage and something great came... I found I possessed strength!

Dinner is served.

"Did you know you were married to Zeddrick?"
-Nope. Didn't know that.
"Yes you did! My mama told me you were with him and yall live together with your kid."

Yes. This really happened to me. A child asked me this. Why this child knows so much about my personal life is beyond me. Why "adults" discuss another's personal business is also beyond me. AND WITH A CHILD!!! This wouldn't be the first time this has happened to me. It happened a few weeks ago with another child who informed me that their mom didn't like me. REALLY!!!!

 I will NEVER sit and have a conversation with A'vion about one of my exes and his new girl. For one, he's my past. Most likely for a reason. Two: I have better things to do with my life. For you to sit around and discuss me means that you are pretty pathetic! You're a simple minded person.

Personally, I am too busy of a person to sit around thinking about my past relationships with Avi. Soccer practices. Soccer games. PTA stuff. Room mom planning. School. Working at TWO schools. Making up dance routines. Finding crafts for my kinders. Carpooling. Mary Kay. Guitar lessons...

Need I go on?!

Do I think about my past? Yes. Do I discuss those events with my child? NEVER. Why would I? Have you ever heard that saying "stay in a child's place?" I see why it's so hard for some kids... their parents treat them like friends instead of being the parent. That's disgusting. The same things that make you laugh now will make you cry later!

If I have an issue with another adult, I go to that adult. I don't sit around telling A'vion that I don't like them or they used to date one of my exes...  This is how I see it: he's my ex. He was an appetizer that I sampled and didn't like. So I sent him back. And now I am waiting on the entree God will send me in due time. And once the Lord blesses me with him, we'll have dessert (our happily ever after- forever).

Confession: At one point I was that person who held grudges. Sometimes for no reason at all. I would let exes get to me by flaunting there new girl. And I would hate her. HATE. But one day I realized how silly that was (I was in high school). He was her problem now! Why was I mad? I am almost 26 years old and I have more things to do with my time and better things to discuss with my child than past relationships.

Memory Lane

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

This quote could not be more true! Today, I was sitting in the carpool line and I had my MP3 connected to my car. It was on a random shuffle but all of the songs played were songs that reminded me of the past. I began to wonder "what if". A lot of what if's came to mind. For a minute I began to miss the past, or at least the good memories.
What if I had stayed with someone that broke my heart time & time again and thought "I'm sorry" would fix it.
What if I had of never gotten pregnant with Avi?
What if I would have gotten to my Grandma's house a little bit earlier that morning, would she still be here?

All of those questions but not one single answer...

On the other hand, all of those heartbreaks from him made me realize what I deserved and since then I have refused to settle for less than someone's EVERYTHING. It made me realize that "I'm sorry" and "I love you" could bandage that pain for a while but... NOTHING EVER GETS HEALED IF YOU KEEP IT COVERED UP! And if I hadn't of had Avi, would I be this motivated? This driven? I wouldn't have those eyes to look into. That annoying laugh to make me shake my head. That raspy voice that gives me a headache. That soul that looks up to me and loves me- even when I'm at my worst. What if I had of gotten to my Grandma's house earlier? Maybe she would still be here- but wouldn't she also still be suffering? Who would want that for a loved one?!

Hmmm... I guess I do have some answers. But none of those is THE answer.

On a really bad day I still wish my Grandma was here to hug me & tell me everything was okay. When nothing seems to go my way and I feel like I am sinking I think "maybe Avi deserves a better mom than me..." When someone asks "how old is your son?" and I say 8 then they come back with "you look a little too young for and 8 year old, are you married?"--> I start to ask myself "why couldn't you have looked the other way when she called his phone? After all he did get you a ring..."

^^Those are my what if days. Those two words. Two small words. Such a big meaning. Powerful meaning. What. If. What if? Who knows?! Whatever happens will happen. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. I believe that God gave me Avi for a reason. A reason I may never understand since I was 17, but a reason non-the-less. That child allowed me to mature- something I don't think I would have done so quickly had he not been here. So what? I am 25 with a child and I'm not married?! I'd rather be a single mom until my dying day if that means not settling for someone who doesn't have the same mindset and faith as I do. Do I miss my Grandma? Every. Single. Day. But I know with every breath I take that she is in heaven smiling down on me. When I mess up and feel like crap- that's her making me feel guilty until I make things right.

CONFESSION: Sometimes I miss the past so much it hurts. I'll lay in bed or stand in the shower just reminiscing. It's okay to visit the past, just remember it's a visit- you can't stay there. You can't let "what if's" consume you. What's meant to be will always be.

Patience

"They talked about Jesus and look at what he became..."

I can not count how many times my grandma Dot said ^that^ to me. I would call her crying about what people said about me. I remember I went to her in tears about someone saying I have a big forehead. She looked me dead in the eyes and said "God gave you a big brain so he had to make your forehead bigger so it could fit." I believed her. I still do believe that statement. She also told me "its not what they call me but what I answer to that counts." I've been called stupid, but the two college degrees and BPOC say other wise. I've been called ugly but I the Bible tells me I'm made in God's image. What a beautiful creature indeed! I've been called a bad mother but Avi has never went without the things he needs. He pretty much has all he wants too. Not to mention he's been at the top of his class since his daycare days. I've been called fat but that just an opinion. Am I Victoria Secret model thin? Nope. I have "love handles" and one stomach roll that refuses to leave no matter what. Food is my weakness. But I don't care. That arm fat simply means that I am blessed with meals someone, somewhere isn't.
MY PAST.
Not something I'm proud of. I've made my share of mistakes. Some I'm not proud of. But each made me who I am. I had my son my senior year in high school at the age of 17.  I went from one bad relationship to another looking for a love I felt I needed. No regrets though. Without all of that I doubt I would be so close to God now. In order to have a testimony, the test comes first (look at the spelling). Someone told me they see what I post on Facebook but they know who I used to be. Key word: used. I know who I used to be too. But I've asked the Lord to forgive me. He has. I can't live in my past. I can't hold onto it either. I can't let my past dictate my future or I'll be in the same place. Who I was and who I am are two different people. Both of those are far from who I will be.
MY PRESENT
I am working on being better in every aspect of my life. Do I fail? Daily. But I ask for help from Him. I pray for patience- which is the HARDEST prayer. If you're gonna pray for it be willing and ready to go through some things. Trust me, I've been going through a lot. I guess I thought it'd get easier as a Christian but its harder. Only because the devil works harder to pull me back. Luckily, I have faith. Even at my lowest state I have faith. Because of it the Lord continues to show me His faithfulness.
MY FUTURE
Grounded in the Lord. I don't know where He'll take me but I'm ready! So the next time you want to judge me, base it off of the person I am at that moment not yesterdays or years agos. Better yet don't judge me at all. You don't know everything I've been through. You don't know my prayers to God. Be patient with me, He's not through with me yet.

Ice Cream

Question: is it better to love someone and lose or  never love someone who doesn't feel the same as you?

Answer: Fairy tales don't always come true.

If a person loves you, I mean really loves you, they WILL fight for you. Fight through the good. Fight through the bad. Fight through the mood swings. Fight through the ups. Fight through the downs. Fight when they feel there's no fight left. That is what love is. A fight. When you find "the one" there's no way you'll be able to leave. Neither will they. Its easy to settle for Mr. Right Now. But if that's not the person God intends for you to be with it won't work. That doesnt mean it'll be peaches and cream... More like rocky road. But that's still a good ice cream choice!
Don't settle for just anyone because you want that love feelings... In the end it'll just be hurt feelings.

Confession: Loving someone who doesn't love you is like waiting for a ship at the airport. Completely pointless. You can only fight for a relationship if the other person is willing to get in the ring & fight for it too.

Material Things

You drive a nice car with shiny rims? I have small boobs. Oh, I thought we were naming irrelevant things...

^Thats how I feel when people, mostly guys, brag about what they have. I hate when a boy tells me what they can do (or have done) for me. All of the things a boy can do for me I can darn sure do for myself. Sure, unexpected gifts ands surprise dates are great but I'm okay with the simple things. Give me a MAN that will get in the kitchen and cook with me (even if its just mac&cheese) and I'm hooked. A little one on one time watching movies on the couch (cell phones on silent).

Gentlemen: a way to a woman's heart is not throwing money at her. The best thing you can spend on/with a woman is TIME! Its irreplaceable.
Women: a way to a man's heart is not between your legs. Have standards. If he loves you he'll wait. He'll work twice as hard to show you.

Notice I said gentleman and women. There's a difference between them and girls & boys. Don't get them confused.

I don't care how much money you have in the bank neither how much you're willing to spend on me. None of that matters if you don't wanna spend time with me or willing to fight for me!

Baby Mama

Baby Mama<-- I absolutely hate those words.

"Who are you?"  "Oh I'm so and so's baby mama".
"Oh that's my baby mama- we just cool."

What real WOMAN would accept that title? Not me. Its plain out ignorant. Am I with my sons biological father? No. Am I just his baby's mama? Absolutely not. In fact, I'm nothing to him (as he is to me). However, I am Avion's mother. I have enjoyed being a single mother. Crazy, I know.  But I've never been that girl who would constantly sleep with a guy to keep him around. I've never been that girl that uses her child to keep the father coming back. I've never been that girl that is okay with the father of my child cheating or having multiple kids by other females. Nope... I've always been that WOMAN who knew her worth. "I come first." Ha. How about "I'm the only one... No seconds or thirds. Just me!" A real woman knows she deserves this and will refuse to allow her child's father to run in and out of the kid's life.

Do I want a family? Of course. But its going to be with a God fearing man willing to be with me AND ONLY ME. A man willing to put a ring on my finger and make me more than a "baby mama".

Confession: So many times I've wanted to hate Avion's biological father. Hate him for leaving me to raise him alone. Hate him for blaming me. Then I think of all I have accomplished. Every tear I cried made me work that much harder. Every night I had to get up to feed him or change diapers made me that much more responsible. Each time Avi hugs/kisses me makes me love him more. I selfishly don't want to share him and glad he's all mine. I've been trying to teach Avi about life- ironically, he's teaching me how to live!

Marriage

People keep asking me when I'm gonna get married or have more kids. My answer has been and will be "when I'm ready". Not only that but also when the Lord puts it on my heart. It makes no sense to get married "just because".
Just because I'm getting older.
Just because I have a child.
Just because its the right thing.
Just because my friends are.
I love you girls but I'm not rushing down the aisle so I won't be the only single one. Nope. Not me. It'll happen when its supposed to happen. I'm not the 'settling' type. I want it all. I deserve it. I also deserve a MAN that thinks I'm worth it. I'm a fighter. So I need a man who's willing to get in the ring and fight with me... For us. For Avi.
You see, when you get me you get a special deal: 2 for 1. If a man can't accept my son, why would I want him? I've been a single parent and although its hard its not impossible.
I don't want any surprises once I am married. Therefore I want to get everything out in the open before hand. I don't want to be married for a couple of years then realize my husband has a secret addiction or likes to hit me. How will I explain that to my son? I've been hurt before... I know what a broken heart feels like so I'll be damned if I'm gonna be the reason Avi has one.
The Bible talks about being equally yoked. I don't need a man who doesn't love God as much as me. I need someone who'll go to church WITH us, as a family. Someone not afraid to do mission work for others. The devil is everywhere... So I need a man who understands that and keeps his eyes open.
I'm not the prettiest, skinniest, tallest, smartest, nicest woman in the world. But when I love- I love hard. I love with all I have. Am I perfect? Heck no. But each day I try to get that much closer to the woman the Lord intends for me to be. They say you know the moment you meet someone that you're gonna marry them. If that's true I haven't met that guy yet. But I'm not discouraged. In fact I'm relieved. Who's to say I won't be married by this time next year? If I am, great. If not, even better. It'll happen on God's time. Which means it'll last a lifetime. Divorce isn't an option. I'll take my vows to heart: til death do us part. There's no fighting then leaving. That's the problem with most couples... But it won't be that way with me. That's why I'll wait until the Lord sees fit for me to marry.