Memory Lane

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

This quote could not be more true! Today, I was sitting in the carpool line and I had my MP3 connected to my car. It was on a random shuffle but all of the songs played were songs that reminded me of the past. I began to wonder "what if". A lot of what if's came to mind. For a minute I began to miss the past, or at least the good memories.
What if I had stayed with someone that broke my heart time & time again and thought "I'm sorry" would fix it.
What if I had of never gotten pregnant with Avi?
What if I would have gotten to my Grandma's house a little bit earlier that morning, would she still be here?

All of those questions but not one single answer...

On the other hand, all of those heartbreaks from him made me realize what I deserved and since then I have refused to settle for less than someone's EVERYTHING. It made me realize that "I'm sorry" and "I love you" could bandage that pain for a while but... NOTHING EVER GETS HEALED IF YOU KEEP IT COVERED UP! And if I hadn't of had Avi, would I be this motivated? This driven? I wouldn't have those eyes to look into. That annoying laugh to make me shake my head. That raspy voice that gives me a headache. That soul that looks up to me and loves me- even when I'm at my worst. What if I had of gotten to my Grandma's house earlier? Maybe she would still be here- but wouldn't she also still be suffering? Who would want that for a loved one?!

Hmmm... I guess I do have some answers. But none of those is THE answer.

On a really bad day I still wish my Grandma was here to hug me & tell me everything was okay. When nothing seems to go my way and I feel like I am sinking I think "maybe Avi deserves a better mom than me..." When someone asks "how old is your son?" and I say 8 then they come back with "you look a little too young for and 8 year old, are you married?"--> I start to ask myself "why couldn't you have looked the other way when she called his phone? After all he did get you a ring..."

^^Those are my what if days. Those two words. Two small words. Such a big meaning. Powerful meaning. What. If. What if? Who knows?! Whatever happens will happen. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. I believe that God gave me Avi for a reason. A reason I may never understand since I was 17, but a reason non-the-less. That child allowed me to mature- something I don't think I would have done so quickly had he not been here. So what? I am 25 with a child and I'm not married?! I'd rather be a single mom until my dying day if that means not settling for someone who doesn't have the same mindset and faith as I do. Do I miss my Grandma? Every. Single. Day. But I know with every breath I take that she is in heaven smiling down on me. When I mess up and feel like crap- that's her making me feel guilty until I make things right.

CONFESSION: Sometimes I miss the past so much it hurts. I'll lay in bed or stand in the shower just reminiscing. It's okay to visit the past, just remember it's a visit- you can't stay there. You can't let "what if's" consume you. What's meant to be will always be.