The most dangerous place in the world? Between a mother and her son!

For the past 8 (almost 9) years I have had the privilege of being the mother to the most amazing kid ever created (in my eyes). I'm sure all mothers feel that way about their children. If you don't, you don't have a pulse. Through all of my highs and lows it has been that kid that has pulled me through or pushed me harder. The bond between mothers and sons are unbreakable but ours possess some sort of magic...

When I started this blog I vowed that I would be honest- no matter what. No matter the topic. So here is a topic that I don't like talking about because it's emotional for me. I'll address it though...

A'vion's father walked out on me when I was pregnant with him. Silly me, I wanted a family for my son so after he was born we tried it again. Whatever "it" was, it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be. I accepted that. He was a lesson learned- I swore I would never settle for less than I deserve and I haven't, for A'vion's sake. Through the years we heard from the donor of sperm MAYBE once a year- if that. By "heard" I mean he would message me on facebook (and myspace). For the most part the messages all sounded the same "How are you guys doing? I've been thinking about you..." Of course I would direct the conversation to Avion. Then and argument would occur. Normally those arguments would get me down. Last night was different. He messaged me the typical message. I responded. He asked if Avion played sports and wanted to know the game schedule. THIS IS WHERE I STRUGGLED. So I texted two of my close friends for advice. I prayed over it. Then I sat my son down and tried to explain to him the situation. Anyone who knows my son, knows he is absolutely intelligent. His response to inviting the donor of sperm to a game was "If he didn't want to be in my life then, why does he want to come to a game now? If he is my REAL DAD why isn't he REALLY here with me (in my life)?" Those words crushed me. I had no explanation for that. Then again, it's not my place to explain that. So when I messaged the donor of sperm back with Avion's response he tells me I should of told Avion I kept him away and that I made him sign over his rights. I don't like to argue about past situations. But let's be clear about a  few things:
1.) He had 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend visitations (per court papers). He was to pick Avi up at 6pm on Fridays and return him to me no later then 6pm on Sundays.
Call me crazy but when I get a text message at 5:30 Sunday evening saying I am not bringing him back, I'll bring him to you Tuesday that boiled my blood. So yes, me and my sister drove to a different city and I took my child from you. And you wanted me to explain this to Avion. What was I supposed to say? That the entire time I had o endure some of your family members calling me out of my name. That each of those weekends I had to send a car-seat and baby bag full of clothes, pampers, formula, bottles, wipes, pacis, etc because you didn't have any!
2.) I asked you to sign over your rights. At any time you could have said no. You could have fought for your rights IF YOU WANTED TO.  Before you signed on the dotted line you should have thought about the future  or the damage you may cause. Yes, I asked because at the time I was having to count child support as income for my financial aid and my rent. I wasn't receiving any support and I didn't think that was fair. I sat in my landlord's office in tears because she was going to raise my rent. I gave her my password to the attorney general's website so she could see for herself (and print out) that I in fact was not receiving any support. You and your father went to my lawyer's office AHEAD OF TIME AND SAT OUTSIDE waiting for them to draw up paperwork for the termination of rights. Who paid $1100? Me, that's who. Did I complain? HELL NO.
3.) You supported a child that you never got to see? What support was that? The $4 or $5 dollars I got in child support every few months? Or the $1.31 that was my first payment and I laughed about then took Avi to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate- just because I could. Or the income tax refund that was taken from you and given to me AFTER the termination of rights because you had been behind in child support. Then I had to endure being told what a bad mother I was. How I was "raising my son white y letting him play the guitar and play soccer..."
It takes a hell of a whole lot more than money and coming to sporting events to be a parent. No one but God knows the tears I have cried because I had no clue how to raise a child, let alone be a single mother at the age of 17. I could have easily been a coward like you and put him off on someone else. But I wasn't raised that way. As scared and confused as I was I stepped and did what I was supposed to do AS A MOTHER. I could have easily been one of those moms who used the child to keep the father around, but why? I was much to strong for that- even when I didn't believe I was. I am far from a perfect mother but I would give that little boy my last breath if I had to. I was there for his first steps, every stomach virus, his first word, his first time kicking a soccer ball into a goal, his first 100 on a spelling test, every fall or scrape of the knee, everything that upset him. You don't know how big his eyes light up when he accomplishes something- even if it is small. You have no clue that he gets upset when I order pepperoni pizza and don't get jalapenos. You don't know that in second grade he got so obsessed with Titanic that he he saved up all his money to buy books on it. You have no idea that he likes to watch Law and Order to see if he can figure out the crime before the detectives. You missed out on some amazing things that he has done. He's one of the smarted kids I know. When he's passionate about something he puts his all into it. He loves helping others. He is funny and tells the most lamest jokes but I still laugh anyways. You don't know that when he grows up he wants to be a spy. You have no idea that he is already picking out colleges that he wants to attend.
YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE. Don't blame me because you were a coward. For once, accept that you messed up. You wanted me to tell him "everything". Well I couldn't. Because then I would have had to tell him about all of lies, the cheating, the abuse, you getting one of my "best: friends pregnant, the gun, how you had a girlfriend that live in the same apartments as us and you never came to see him... need I go on? No sir, I don't have to tell him anything, he's smart and he understands a lot more than a normal 8 year old. I don't have to put you down (and I have never done that), the fact that you aren't in his life does that. If blaming me makes you feel better about yourself, go do that. But one day he may want to meet you. I can only pray that by then you have manned up. Or maybe when he's older he'll stumble across this very blog...

Put it in ALL of the papers, I'm not afraid. They can read all about it.

What is understood does not need to be explained. Obviously, you don't understand. So let me explain....
I have never once thought that I was "better" than anyone. I believe that we are all afforded the same opportunities. What we do with those opportunities is up to us. I refuse to allow any one the joy in seeing me fail. I refuse to allow anyone to be able to hold anything I've done in the past against me. You can not and will not dictate my future. Plain and simple. Since you want to throw hissy fits and TRY to throw "slugs" and wanna talk about my past, here it goes:

Let's talk about all of the worries and tears I had as a 17 year old pregnant girl in her senior year of high school. Let's talk about what it was like to be told (by family) how I was never going to amount to anything as a single mother. Let's talk about how I missed ONE DAY of my senior year and begged my doctor to allow me to go back to school so that I could be able to graduate with my class. Let's talk about how I worked until the day I went into labor and then returned to work not even three weeks later. Let's talk about how I NEVER asked Avion's biological father for anything. Everything that he needed I provided. Did I do it alone? No. I had help from my parents and sister. Let's talk about how I did graduate ON TIME. Let's talk about how I went to college and got TWO DEGREES. Let's talk about how I received my Basic Peace Officer Certificate. Let's talk about how I worked 12 hour night shifts and never once missed one of Avi's soccer games, classroom parties, or field trips. Let's talk about all of the sacrifices that I have made for him and never once have I regretted a thing.

So you see, for all the bad you think you know- I've done twice as much good. I'm not perfect. I do not claim to be. But for all of those things that I have done in the past, I have asked God to forgive me. I have a peace with my past, something you will never know because you are too simple minded. By trying to expose someone or "air their dirty laundry" because your mad shows not only your immaturity but your ignorance. I could definitely be as silly as you and start naming off the LONG list of the skeletons in your closet. I could make Facebook statuses to get people to like or comment on to be messy. But what would that prove? That I am just as ignorant as you! And I am not. It's always been said that the people that frown upon you the most is "your own kind". In my situation "my kind" isn't other black people, it's family. What a sad sad case.

I will not ever belittle myself or dumb myself down to make you feel better. Misery loves company and I am too blessed to allow you to bring me down with your miserable-ness. The difference between me and you isn't that I think that I am better. The difference is that I refuse to settle. PERIOD. Another difference between us is that I don't care what anyone walking this earth's surface thinks of me. I don't care about their judgments or who they think I am. What you think of me or say about my past won't push me into hell any more than it will stop me from entering into heaven.
Avi's father wasn't good for me- lesson learned. I didn't try to make him stick around because I had his child. I accepted the responsibility. My close "friends" backstabbed me- lesson learned. I don't go out to eat or clubbing with them. And I sure as hell don't share a baby daddy with my friends. I majored in criminal justice for 6 years and got my BPOC and worked at the jail for a year, I hated it- lesson learned. I didn't continue to wallow in self pity, I got up and found something I am passionate about- teaching. I got tired of getting cars from the mom and pop dealerships- lesson learned. I went out and got me a newer model car. The ONLY help I got was my step dad cosigning. I didn't ask him or my mom for my down payment. I don't like certain parts of this town- so why would I live there and raise my child there? It's not called being better, it's called not settling. My car isn't this nicest but it's mine. My job isn't the best but I love those students as if they were my own. My apartment isn't in the nicest neighborhood but I don't have to worry at night.

Am I so independent that I don't need help? NO FREAKING WAY. The Bible says that pride comes before your biggest downfall. Do I need help? At times. But I can honestly say that any money that I have ever gotten from my parents or sister, I have paid them back. When I have extra money I give it to them or buy them things. I don't wait for handouts. I don't think this world owes me a damn thing. Everything I got, I've worked my ass off to have and I will not feel bad for it. Instead of saying "she thinks she's better..." stop settling. Stop settling for that guy that shows you a little attention. If he can't do for you AND YOUR KIDS, why are you entertaining him? MOVE ON. For the past three years the same man has been in my life. Even when we aren't doing well, he still does for Avion. And if we ended tomorrow, he would continue to play the father role in my son's life because that is the kind of bond they have. Can you say that about the boys you have in and out of your bed?

What I am tired of is how the first thing that comes out of your mouth when your mad is "she thinks she's better...". SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. Your just not happy with your life and want others to feel just as bad. BUT I WON'T. I WILL NOT feel bad for anything. My kid wears name brands because I work hard to buy it for him. But he also wears stuff from WalMart. And I love me some Goodwill, thrift stores, and garage sales.

That saying "blood is thicker than water" is only true when it comes to science. I'm tired of all of this insanity. No longer will I allow it in my life. If I don't speak to you, oh well. Get over it. It's not that I think I am better, it's that you are too messed up in the head and I have no room for that. You are who you surround yourself with and I am not going to become a Debbie Downer like you. As family, I love you. But I do not have to like you. I do not have to pretend to like you. I do not have to speak to you. SO I WON'T. Don't expect me to respond to text messages or answer phone calls. No, I will not cook for you, bake you a cake, babysit your children, drive you to the store, let you borrow money, or give you some of what I have. Instead I will pray even harder that the Lord guides you to get all of that evilness, hatred, selfishness, and ignorance out of your heart and soul. The devil comes in many forms- even family. With that being said, I am letting go and letting God handle all of that mess you bring. Go serve it up to someone else. I don't need it nor want it. Goodbye.