The most dangerous place in the world? Between a mother and her son!

For the past 8 (almost 9) years I have had the privilege of being the mother to the most amazing kid ever created (in my eyes). I'm sure all mothers feel that way about their children. If you don't, you don't have a pulse. Through all of my highs and lows it has been that kid that has pulled me through or pushed me harder. The bond between mothers and sons are unbreakable but ours possess some sort of magic...

When I started this blog I vowed that I would be honest- no matter what. No matter the topic. So here is a topic that I don't like talking about because it's emotional for me. I'll address it though...

A'vion's father walked out on me when I was pregnant with him. Silly me, I wanted a family for my son so after he was born we tried it again. Whatever "it" was, it didn't work. It wasn't meant to be. I accepted that. He was a lesson learned- I swore I would never settle for less than I deserve and I haven't, for A'vion's sake. Through the years we heard from the donor of sperm MAYBE once a year- if that. By "heard" I mean he would message me on facebook (and myspace). For the most part the messages all sounded the same "How are you guys doing? I've been thinking about you..." Of course I would direct the conversation to Avion. Then and argument would occur. Normally those arguments would get me down. Last night was different. He messaged me the typical message. I responded. He asked if Avion played sports and wanted to know the game schedule. THIS IS WHERE I STRUGGLED. So I texted two of my close friends for advice. I prayed over it. Then I sat my son down and tried to explain to him the situation. Anyone who knows my son, knows he is absolutely intelligent. His response to inviting the donor of sperm to a game was "If he didn't want to be in my life then, why does he want to come to a game now? If he is my REAL DAD why isn't he REALLY here with me (in my life)?" Those words crushed me. I had no explanation for that. Then again, it's not my place to explain that. So when I messaged the donor of sperm back with Avion's response he tells me I should of told Avion I kept him away and that I made him sign over his rights. I don't like to argue about past situations. But let's be clear about a  few things:
1.) He had 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend visitations (per court papers). He was to pick Avi up at 6pm on Fridays and return him to me no later then 6pm on Sundays.
Call me crazy but when I get a text message at 5:30 Sunday evening saying I am not bringing him back, I'll bring him to you Tuesday that boiled my blood. So yes, me and my sister drove to a different city and I took my child from you. And you wanted me to explain this to Avion. What was I supposed to say? That the entire time I had o endure some of your family members calling me out of my name. That each of those weekends I had to send a car-seat and baby bag full of clothes, pampers, formula, bottles, wipes, pacis, etc because you didn't have any!
2.) I asked you to sign over your rights. At any time you could have said no. You could have fought for your rights IF YOU WANTED TO.  Before you signed on the dotted line you should have thought about the future  or the damage you may cause. Yes, I asked because at the time I was having to count child support as income for my financial aid and my rent. I wasn't receiving any support and I didn't think that was fair. I sat in my landlord's office in tears because she was going to raise my rent. I gave her my password to the attorney general's website so she could see for herself (and print out) that I in fact was not receiving any support. You and your father went to my lawyer's office AHEAD OF TIME AND SAT OUTSIDE waiting for them to draw up paperwork for the termination of rights. Who paid $1100? Me, that's who. Did I complain? HELL NO.
3.) You supported a child that you never got to see? What support was that? The $4 or $5 dollars I got in child support every few months? Or the $1.31 that was my first payment and I laughed about then took Avi to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate- just because I could. Or the income tax refund that was taken from you and given to me AFTER the termination of rights because you had been behind in child support. Then I had to endure being told what a bad mother I was. How I was "raising my son white y letting him play the guitar and play soccer..."
It takes a hell of a whole lot more than money and coming to sporting events to be a parent. No one but God knows the tears I have cried because I had no clue how to raise a child, let alone be a single mother at the age of 17. I could have easily been a coward like you and put him off on someone else. But I wasn't raised that way. As scared and confused as I was I stepped and did what I was supposed to do AS A MOTHER. I could have easily been one of those moms who used the child to keep the father around, but why? I was much to strong for that- even when I didn't believe I was. I am far from a perfect mother but I would give that little boy my last breath if I had to. I was there for his first steps, every stomach virus, his first word, his first time kicking a soccer ball into a goal, his first 100 on a spelling test, every fall or scrape of the knee, everything that upset him. You don't know how big his eyes light up when he accomplishes something- even if it is small. You have no clue that he gets upset when I order pepperoni pizza and don't get jalapenos. You don't know that in second grade he got so obsessed with Titanic that he he saved up all his money to buy books on it. You have no idea that he likes to watch Law and Order to see if he can figure out the crime before the detectives. You missed out on some amazing things that he has done. He's one of the smarted kids I know. When he's passionate about something he puts his all into it. He loves helping others. He is funny and tells the most lamest jokes but I still laugh anyways. You don't know that when he grows up he wants to be a spy. You have no idea that he is already picking out colleges that he wants to attend.
YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE. Don't blame me because you were a coward. For once, accept that you messed up. You wanted me to tell him "everything". Well I couldn't. Because then I would have had to tell him about all of lies, the cheating, the abuse, you getting one of my "best: friends pregnant, the gun, how you had a girlfriend that live in the same apartments as us and you never came to see him... need I go on? No sir, I don't have to tell him anything, he's smart and he understands a lot more than a normal 8 year old. I don't have to put you down (and I have never done that), the fact that you aren't in his life does that. If blaming me makes you feel better about yourself, go do that. But one day he may want to meet you. I can only pray that by then you have manned up. Or maybe when he's older he'll stumble across this very blog...