I am upset that I am not where I should be in life. But where is that?! Where should I be? Who says I should be there? When I get there, do I stay there or keep pushing for more? So many times have I felt like giving up. Throwing in the towel. Sometimes it gets so bad all I can say is "Lord, help me." I cry. I scream. I look to Him and keep repeating "Lord, help me." LORD, HELP ME.
On the outside looking in, it may seem like I have it all together. But inside I am a mess. A hot mess! I have the inability to tell people no. "Ms. McCurdy can you do... " -Yes. "LaRonnica, will you...." -Of course. I once heard a someone say a pro is a person who does so many things and makes it look easy. Trust me, it's not that simple. Far. From. It.
I laid on my couch the other night, fighting back tears. I was in one of those moods where I felt as if I was drowning. Like I'm in the middle of the ocean, going under and coming up gasping for air- only to go right back under. While I feel like this all of my friends and family are in boats surrounding me- yet no one has threw out a life jacket to help save me...
Once I fell asleep that night I began dreaming... I can't recall how it started but I do remember I felt like there was a person after me, trying to kill me or something. I kept running from place to place and the person kept trying to get me. I got to my Grandma Dot's house. I was explaining all of it to her when the person was outside in the street, standing there, dressed in all black. I was so afraid. Then all of a sudden we weren't in the house, we were in an open space. The person started coming toward us. When I looked at my Grandma she started to walk away. I tried to follow her and she told me it wasn't my time to go yet. She said I had to stay and fight. I told her I couldn't. I told her I had no strength left. I just wanted to run away with her. Before she disappeared she said something. One word. "Faith".
Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up and start my busy day.
If if wasn't for faith, I have no clue where I would be. I am grateful that the Lord's amazing grace is covering me. Sometimes I have no clue how I am going to make it to the next second. And something happens to reassure me I'll make it until the next minute. Then the next hour, next day, next week, next month, next year... My life was easier when my grandma was around. It was simple. I had no worries. I felt invincible. She had an answer to every question. But was that healthy? I guess that eventually I would have had to get out and figure things out myself. That's life. It gives you the tests first then the lesson afterwards. Of course, I am not where I feel I should be. That's because I'm acting in "self". However I am where God wants me. Do I understand why? Not. At. All. But one say I will look back at this very moment, possibly this very blog post, and a light bulb will go off. That defining moment will come and I will be glad for those tears shed. In times of weakness is when I began to find my true strength.
CONFESSION: They say life is from B to D (birth to death). But what's between B and D? It's a C. It is a choice. Life is full of choices. I can choose to stay overboard and drown or I can choose to swim my ass off until I make it to shore. I will feel so much better when my feet are on solid land. Of course, it won't be easy and my arms may get tired. I can stop to take a breath, as long as I keep kicking my feet so I won't go under!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
No comments:
Post a Comment