Existing.
That's what I've been doing for about a month now. I feel like I'm on auto pilot, existing each day but not really living. I was mad at myself for feeling this way. REALLY MAD. For the past week getting up each morning has been a struggle. I felt like "what's the point?"
I've been afraid.
I've been stressed.
I've been sad.
I've been pissed.
Honestly, I've felt more defeated than I ever have before. I've never wanted to shout out "Okay, I quit" more than I have over the past few days. Do you know what it's like to walk around with a smile on your face just so people won't ask "what's wrong"? Do you know what it's like to fight back tears in the middle of a work day just because a simple thought crosses your mind?
I do.
For the past month I've tried to figure out ways to pay for my final semester of college. I was recently told "If I were you I'd just withdraw from classes until you're able to pay for it." Ironically, how am I ever supposed to be able to pay for it if the one thing holding me back from a "better job" is a degree. A degree that I am supposed to get in December... IF I pay for classes. Class that I can't afford.
Yesterday I broke. I found myself driving around town. No particular destination, just wanted to be alone. As I drove I kept saying "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I". I cried (seems to be a lot of that water stuff these days). After the water works I felt a "weight" lifted. No, there was no miraculous email that said my tuition had been paid for.
We sing a song at church that goes: "I'm looking for a miracle. I expect the impossible. I feel the intangible. I see the invisible. The sky is the limit to what I can have. Just believe and receive it, God will perform it today." If ever there was a time I looked for a miracle, it's now.
I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school, but I know God wouldn't dare bring me this far just to leave me here now. I like to write (obviously) so I wrote God a letter. I wrote down specific needs and placed it in my bible. Although I feel my faith slowly diminishing, I'm holding on tight to the promises that I read in the Bible. Promises like:
He will never leave me nor forsake me.
I have not because I ask not.
Everything He made is very good.
He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me.
I can do all things through Christ (even pay for tuition).
If I didn't know God, I probably would have given up. Wait. Let me be honest. I do know God and I still was ready to give up. I had to remind myself of why I started this journey in the first place. Kids. I know that'll I'll never get rich teaching but I get the chance to make a difference and that means more to me than any dollar amount. I want to hear "Ms. McCurdy, because of you I didn't give up." I want to be able to say "The class that is graduating this year was the class I taught my first year of teaching." It's so frustrating to be THIS CLOSE yet so far away. Even now, as I type, my eyes are full of tears because I'm afraid that I will fail. And that scares the [bad word] out of me. Under that fear is a mustard sized piece of faith holding on to the promises that the Lord made me....
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