Time does NOT heal all wounds...

9 years.

4 months.

2 weeks.

4 days.

That's how long it's been. 07/25/2003: the day my life changed drastically. That's the summer day I woke up just like I had so many times before- but that day was different. That day ended a friendship that I had cherished my entire life. My grandma died. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows the close relationship I had with her. But I doubt that anyone truly knows just how much it crushed me. I was ready to die too. In fact, I even prayed that God took me that same night. I woke up the next day expecting it to be a dream, but it wasn't. Reality was, she was gone and I was left to pick of the pieces. After that, I was extremely angry. Angry at her. Angry at God. Angry at my dad for saying he would be there for me (and he wasn't). Angry that my older cousins had gotten more time with her than I had. I was bitter. The whole world was on my bad side. I questioned God. I yelled at God. I yelled at my Grandma for leaving and not saying goodbye. Or allowing me to say goodbye. I was pissed to say the least. It took me at least 5 years to go visit her grave. Even now, I still get upset for her leaving. Every year on the 25th of July I get sad. I pray for her to come back. Each year around Thanksgiving and Christmas I get depressed. It's not something I can help, just happens. The pain hits at the most random times and I'll find myself fighting back tears on the cereal aisle at Walmart or when ordering an apple fritter (her fav) at the donut shop. So many people told me that things would get better... but have they? Why do I still cry? Why can't I wake on Christmas and be happy instead of sitting in the bathroom in tears?
 It hasn't been easy. At. All. People wonder why I don't open up to them. Um, maybe because I get judged or told I shouldn't still be sad/upset. Do you think I want to cry? Who likes headaches & runny noses? Who likes being short of breath because they can't stop crying? One person even told me that crying wasn't gonna bring her back. No shit! If that was the case, she would have been back within five minutes of me finding her....
The ONLY good thing about this time of year is Avi's bday. I think that God seen my depression and blessed me with A'vion. That's why he came a month early, on Dec 20th (4 days before my grandma's bday). No matter how many times I spank him (for doing bad), no matter if I mess up cooking, no matter if I get a bad grade or pick him up late- Avion will love me. Period. (and vice versa) 
So I guess it's time to wipe these tears (for now) and pretend to be happy. Will I be sad when July comes around? Probably. When Christmas day gets her in a few days will I cry? Hell yes. Next year around this time will I still be hurting. Of course. No matter how old I get this pain WON'T go away. I was closer to her than I have been to anyone in my life. There was a special bond that NO ONE could ever understand. All I can do is live my life right and pray I make it to heaven so that I can see her again. Hug her again. Have her kiss my forehead again. Have her...

Confession: I blamed myself for my Grandma's death. I had moved in with her because of a fight I gotten into with my mom. I stayed for a couple months then moved back home. I told myself that if I had still been there I could have saved her. Instead I was too selfish and wanted more privacy. I take it so hard because I have beaten myself up over this for years... so the next time I cry in your presence and it becomes a problem (for you)- kindly go screw yourself!