Forgivness

For a long time I have harbored hatred in my heart for my biological father. When my grandma died he promised me that he'd be there for me... and well he hasn't been. Numerous times I have written letters to him to explain how I feel but have thrown them away. Last week I sat down and poured my heart out to him in a long letter. He's in jail, so I had to mail it off. I honestly never expected him to write back... but he did. He's not the only that I had hatred for, there's a couple more. Some I won't name- others I just may. When I got baptized for the second time I had a one on one "counseling" class with my pastor. In one of those classes we discussed this hatred for these people. My pastor told me that no matter what my dad was still my dad. Period. I have no other choice BUT to love him. Forgiveness isn't for the other person- it's for YOU! I've learned that by holding grudges or hating a person only makes me a bitter & angry person while the person I hate is going about their everyday lives. How can I lay down at night to ask God for  forgiveness (and expect Him to) when I can't forgive those who have wronged me on earth? So here are a few people that I am forgiving:

Daddy, you promised me on the day grandma died that you'd always be here & you failed. You've failed miserably. I am not one of those girls who have "daddy issues", I am one of those women who have trust issues. I don't depend on anyone for help, especially not a man because the first man in my life (you) let me down completely. But I am over that. Hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) we can go back to the 'old us'- whatever that is. Anthony, I hated you so much for leaving me to raise A'vion alone. Your excuse was being afraid. Ha! Afraid was telling my mom in a letter that I was pregnant and running away from home. Afraid was never wanting kids because I was selfish and wanted all of the spotlight. Afraid was not knowing whether or not I'd be able to follow my dreams. But I thank you for leaving me, for leaving us. It's true- you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. A'vion became my greatest motivator. It is because of him that I am here and not dead. It is because of him that I work as hard as I do. You're leaving allowed me to shine brighter than the sun. To all of my exes, I don't regret either of you. Sure, some of you hurt me and gave me what I thought was a broken heart. But it was that pain that gave me the strength to pick up the pieces and move forward. I thank all of you because I have a real man in my life now that loves me for me- flaws in all. He doesn't care that I do "too much" for my child (R). He doesn't care that my mom worked at Red Lobster (S). He doesn't go looking for love with other girls (Q)- he's satisfied with me. And he's definitely not afraid (A). Uncle Brian, what you did was wrong. Period. I forgive you but I'll NEVER forget. You're exactly where you should be! To those "friends", I would have so much more respect if the things you said were in my face instead of behind my back. That's where you lost me. Sure, I've made mistakes & said things- but it's NOTHING I can't and won't say in your face. At times, I say things that may hurt you but it's what I feel you should hear- that's what friends do. If you can't handle that, get you another friend. Or stop telling me your business cause I'm tired of hearing your sob stories if you're gonna continue on that path. I FORGIVE YOU ALL. Have I forgotten? Not. At. All. I can talk to when I see you and I'll possibly help you if you need me but I will never forget. Never. The backstabbing, sleeping with someone I did, playing other friends against me, lying, cheating, talking about me to your cousins/family- I forgive that. I forgive you. I love you. I pray for you. That doesn't mean I need nor want y'all in my life.

Confession: I'm free.