It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Then I did. There was talk about removing ovaries and a hysterectomy. Hysterectomy isn't something a 27 year old wants to hear.
How could an "invisible" disease have so much power over a person's life? People don't see the physical aspects of it, so therefore those with it must be exaggerating, right?
WRONG.
I wish that I was exaggerating when I say things like it feels like there's a knife scraping my insides or that it feels like little bombs exploding, like I'm constantly going into labor. Peeing is a struggle for me, which feels like a life long UTI.
You can't see my pain because I hide it Everyday is a struggle for me. EVERY. DAY. I lay in bed each morning not wanting to get up, not because I want extra sleep but because I'm hurting. I get up and I get dressed. I put make-up on. I fix my hair. I go about my day with the biggest smile. The fakest smile. I literally have to laugh to stop myself from crying.
I'm constantly wanting to puke.
My bladder is constantly full- but that's due to the other disease, interstitial cystitis.
My kidneys hurt.
Sometimes I'm so bloated I look 4-5 months pregnant.
It's not that I'm gaining weight, because I haven't.
It's actually a component of the disease.
Those times I just lay on the couch "being lazy" isn't laziness at all.
Its fatigue- a component of the disease.
My "crazy hormones" aren't really crazy.
It's the medicine that I take daily to balance it all out.
Yesterday was different. I no longer wanted to hide it. I no longer wanted to be ashamed. That was the straw that broke my hypothetical camel's back....
11 years ago, I didn't want kids. ANY KIDS. AT ALL. My grandma died. My best friend moved away. I contemplated suicide. Then Avion came along and my world was changed (for the better). Now I am faced with the possibility of me never bearing another child. What will my future husband think? Would he still love me? Would he leave me? Would he even propose?
I began thinking about all the people who have multiple children and barely take care of them. How is that fair? I am not a perfect mom but I am a damn good one. How fair that I get one child who I sacrifice for on a daily basis, whom I put his needs before mine yet people are having kids to keep a person around or for more food stamps or a bigger income tax check?
How fair is it that I will be spending a future Saturday with the man who donated sperm to create Avion, along with all of his other children, when there's a possibility I can't have another? He hasn't even seen Avi in about 8-9 years but I've been here day after day after day. Yet I'm the one who's punished?
I pondered all of these things yesterday while I cried on my couch. Then I thought, 11 years ago I didn't want to be a teacher either but God placed me on this path. Obviously He knew this would happen. This isn't new to Him. When I get my own classroom I will love each of those students as if they're my own child. There's always adoption. There's always god-children.
Although I don't understand this at all, it's not my place to question God or His plans for my life. It hurts. A LOT. Thinking about it overwhelms me to the point that tears fall. I could sit here in sulk in self-pity but that doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be in pain. So even in the midst of all this confusion I still trust in the Lord to see me through. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge to him, and he will direct your path."
When it's all said and done I'll have an even greater testimony that could change a life. No matter what I will remain 100% faithful to God and maybe my faith will lead another to Christ. So in a sense, I'm giving life- which is kind of like having a baby, right? :)
1 comment:
Now I understand.. Hope all goes well for you and although u may not understand WHY this is happening to you God does and that is all that matters. U can think of this this way. U may not have future children but the child u have now has you by his side. My cousin/sister passed away in October from complications due to cancer. Although she was sick with cancer, Drs said everything was good. She passed away unexpectingly. She left behind a 3 yr old daughter and her husband. She was an only child to my aunt and uncle. It is still very hard to endure her being gone and to see my niece growing and without her mom by her side. Although we may not understand God has made our lives for us. U are great person and kids love you. U know more than anyone working with kids is the hardest job ever. We see kids and their hurt and how some of them suffer at home. All these kids may not be yours biologically but they are yours. They spend more time with us at school than they do at home. U can make a difference in this little kids hearts and that is priceless. U may not have more kids of your own but you will have other peoples kids that you can call your own and even better you can send them home when they get on your nerves or start asking for expensive stuff. You at least get to see your child grow up into a wonderful young man when a mom somewhere else cant.
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