I was so stressed out about my homework. Which is usually the time I'll get on Facebook to "chill out" for a little while. But then a little while turns into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours into sleep. Yes, THAT bad. How awful?! I would wake up and realized I didn't finish my work and the next day I'd be rushing to finish before a deadline...
However that night it was different. I got into my usual stressed out phase. I began to feel fear. Fear that I wouldn't make the grade that I wanted. Fear that I would fail. I'm so close to this degree and I have never wanted something so bad in my life that I'm afraid something will go wrong. I've been waiting for it to happen so that internal voice will whisper "I told you so, it was too good to be true..." The harder I try, the more self doubt I have in myself. That night I closed my books. Closed me eyes... and called on Him. I took "self" out of the equation & I prayed. I told God I was tired of being so afraid- of myself. I was tired of waiting for the bad. I was tired of self doubt. I let Him know that I knew He didn't give me the spirit of fear but of wisdom. I told Him that in that moment of anxiety, stress, fear, confusion, and doubt I was giving this semester to Him. This semester and any that follows. I gave God my all, left it at His feet. I cried. Not my typical tears of sadness. These tears were of joy and hope. In that moment this amazing feeling came over me and I heard Him say "Let go and let me" and I did just that! As I sit here now, I feel those same joyous tears coming up inside. What better peace than that of the Lord? No other person could have given me that, not even myself.
This third degree will help me in so many ways but it doesn't define who I am. It doesn't define my character. When I get to heaven He's not going to say anything about those degrees or my BPOC. He's not going to care what my GPA was. He won't care that I didn't make that A on that presentation. However, He will care as to where my faith lies- and it's ALL in Him. I have a wonderful support system with my family. If I have any questions, the staff at the school I work at are more than happy to help me. But NONE of them could ever measure up to God. He gave his only son for me. For you. For the world, for Pete's sake! Who else could have done that? Not me. If it was up to me sacrificing Avi, this world would have remained a dying world. I think about His goodness and it give me chills! Even when I am in the mist of self doubt, He believes in me. He knows where I am headed- even if I don't (Jerm 29:11). With him all things are possible (Phil.4:13).
One of these days this world will come crumbling down.
The dead in Christ will rise up to heaven first, then the rest in Christ shall follow.
I don't know if I'll be one of the first or the latter.
But what I do know that it's not you LIVE but how you DIE.
I can only imagine what it'll be like to make it to heaven.
I can only imagine what it will be like to see my Grandma Dot again.
I can only imagine what it'll be like to never again feel stress, anxiety, self doubt, or fear.
I can only imagine what it'll be like to never feel hunger or thirst, to never have to fight lines in Walmart.
I can only imagine what it'll be like to hear Him say "Well done" & to bow at His feet!
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...
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