School's In

Today started out all kinds of wrong. Actually, it began last night. I began to feel anxious about today because I start my spring semester and have to drive to a different city  for classes. No big deal because it's only about 20 minutes.The problem arises when I am left wondering who's going to ENSURE my son does his homework those three nights a week? Who's going to make sure he cleans his room, brushes his teeth and takes a shower? Who's going to make sure he actually took his night meds? Then there is what is he going to eat, my sister can't cook. Don't get me wrong, I know my sister and mom are going to to take GREAT care of him but they're not me! No one has my touch when it comes to Avi...

He's on the spelling team for his school- competition is this Saturday. So with me having class until after his bedtime leaves me with only two days to study with him. No how the competition ends I am going to be proud of him! But deep inside I will feel like it's somewhat my fault if he doesn't place.  Thinking about that makes me want to puke! And cry. Then puke again.

I attended the police academy during the second semester of Avi's kindergarten year. That went on until the first semester of his 1st grade year. That was Monday-Thursday until 9:30-10pm and on Saturdays until 3 or 4. After that I started working at the county jail- night shifts from 6pm til 6am. That took it's toll on Avion and me. I hated that job because of the time it took away from my child. It made me a depressed and angry person. I was hateful. I cried numerous times in the bathroom at work. I felt as if I had neglected him and failed him as a mother (after all, I was the only "parent" he had). There were times where I didn't sleep for days because I'd get off at 6am, take him to school, watch tv, go eat lunch with him, drink coffee, go back to work, get off at 6am, go to his soccer games, take him for a victory treat, go back to work, get off at 6am, get him (and myself) ready for church, go eat, go back to work... I literally felt like I was running on fumes. I made it a priority to not miss any games, field trips, or class parties- and I didn't. But I was numb inside.

After getting a job at the school and becoming a MUCH happier person I vowed to never be away from Avi again....

But now I'm here. I get off from work at 3:30, head to class and be there by 4:30. Missing practices and some basketball games that occur during the week.Staying up all night studying and getting up at 5:30 (or earlier) to do it all again. Ironing uniforms and making lunches. Planning classroom parties and cheering Avi on from the sidelines in soccer games....

 I know that in the long run this is what's best for me, for us. I am actually looking forward to obtaining that degree in a field that I truly love with all of my heart! But something inside of me hurts. Something inside of me is sad. Something inside of me cries. The only thing I can do is pray that we both make it through this semester with our sanity. My child is smart so I know that his intelligence will continue to amaze me... it's me that I am more worried about. I take my duties as a mom serious, even more-so because I am a "young mom" and statistically I am not supposed to succeed. I don't expect anyone else to take care of my son, never have and never will. I don't like having to depend on others to help me. But as the Bible says "pride comes before a downfall" so I am pushing my pride aside and letting God work in our lives. I know that He has great plans for my life so I have to trust that. And I do. I just pray that these anxiety attacks go away or at least lessen up a little bit :(

Stay tuned... I'll let you know how this whirlwind of a semester turns out!