School's In

Today started out all kinds of wrong. Actually, it began last night. I began to feel anxious about today because I start my spring semester and have to drive to a different city  for classes. No big deal because it's only about 20 minutes.The problem arises when I am left wondering who's going to ENSURE my son does his homework those three nights a week? Who's going to make sure he cleans his room, brushes his teeth and takes a shower? Who's going to make sure he actually took his night meds? Then there is what is he going to eat, my sister can't cook. Don't get me wrong, I know my sister and mom are going to to take GREAT care of him but they're not me! No one has my touch when it comes to Avi...

He's on the spelling team for his school- competition is this Saturday. So with me having class until after his bedtime leaves me with only two days to study with him. No how the competition ends I am going to be proud of him! But deep inside I will feel like it's somewhat my fault if he doesn't place.  Thinking about that makes me want to puke! And cry. Then puke again.

I attended the police academy during the second semester of Avi's kindergarten year. That went on until the first semester of his 1st grade year. That was Monday-Thursday until 9:30-10pm and on Saturdays until 3 or 4. After that I started working at the county jail- night shifts from 6pm til 6am. That took it's toll on Avion and me. I hated that job because of the time it took away from my child. It made me a depressed and angry person. I was hateful. I cried numerous times in the bathroom at work. I felt as if I had neglected him and failed him as a mother (after all, I was the only "parent" he had). There were times where I didn't sleep for days because I'd get off at 6am, take him to school, watch tv, go eat lunch with him, drink coffee, go back to work, get off at 6am, go to his soccer games, take him for a victory treat, go back to work, get off at 6am, get him (and myself) ready for church, go eat, go back to work... I literally felt like I was running on fumes. I made it a priority to not miss any games, field trips, or class parties- and I didn't. But I was numb inside.

After getting a job at the school and becoming a MUCH happier person I vowed to never be away from Avi again....

But now I'm here. I get off from work at 3:30, head to class and be there by 4:30. Missing practices and some basketball games that occur during the week.Staying up all night studying and getting up at 5:30 (or earlier) to do it all again. Ironing uniforms and making lunches. Planning classroom parties and cheering Avi on from the sidelines in soccer games....

 I know that in the long run this is what's best for me, for us. I am actually looking forward to obtaining that degree in a field that I truly love with all of my heart! But something inside of me hurts. Something inside of me is sad. Something inside of me cries. The only thing I can do is pray that we both make it through this semester with our sanity. My child is smart so I know that his intelligence will continue to amaze me... it's me that I am more worried about. I take my duties as a mom serious, even more-so because I am a "young mom" and statistically I am not supposed to succeed. I don't expect anyone else to take care of my son, never have and never will. I don't like having to depend on others to help me. But as the Bible says "pride comes before a downfall" so I am pushing my pride aside and letting God work in our lives. I know that He has great plans for my life so I have to trust that. And I do. I just pray that these anxiety attacks go away or at least lessen up a little bit :(

Stay tuned... I'll let you know how this whirlwind of a semester turns out! 

Little hands make BIG impacts

When I lost my job at the sheriff's office, I felt like my whole world was ending. A month later I was given an opportunity to work with kids. After studying criminal justice for 6 years, getting  two degrees and my basic peace officer certificate I was unsure, but I needed the money and it was a source of income. Little did I know that the Lord had bigger plans for me in this job. MUCH BIGGER...

Over the past year and a half I have encountered some of the most amazing precious children EVER. I didn't think that it was possible to love another's child (outside of family) as much as I do these students. They make me smile. They make my soul happy. What started off as a job will eventually become my career. I don't think the students (or parents) know just how much I love them! 

Over the past year I have invested so much time, money, and feelings into these small people. By allowing me to help them, they actually helped me. Helped me get through a difficult time in my life when I felt unworthy and unwanted. But they've wanted me and at times "needed" me (and vice versa). I enjoy the "death squeeze" hugs they give, the never ending stories they share (that would go on for hours if I didn't stop them), their laughs, smiles, and faces. 

I've enjoyed the gummy bear science experiments, cupcake fraction lessons, shaving cream spelling quizzes and Thanksgiving feasts with pilgrims and Indians. I will never forget that and hope they never do either!

In December I had to tell them that I would no longer be apart of their day to day lives and that broke my heart just as much as theirs. I feel as though I am letting them down and walking out when in fact I am simply taking night classes so that I can become a teacher and possibly make an even bigger impact on lives. It still hurts...

My prayer for them is that they never give up on their dreams. I pray that the Lord wraps His hand around them and molds them into the some of the greatest adults ever! I see so much potential in each and every one of them and I pray that they see it for themselves. I cannot wait to see the amazing things they will accomplish as they grow. 

I hope they know that I will FOREVER be a fan cheering them on!

Two Birds, One Stone

2014 has finally arrived. I didn't make any resolutions because after a few weeks they are forgotten. However, I prayed that the Lord continues to work on me and in me. I pray that He helps me stay on the path in which He intends for me to go down... even if that means cutting certain people or things out of my life. 2013 was a good year for me but I know that 2014 will be better...

All throughout 2013 I prayed for patience. Let me tell you, that wasn't an easy prayer because the Lord really made me wait on things. I also prayed that He showed me my purpose. Often times I find myself so frustrated because I am not where I want to be but then I have to step back and take self out of it and realize that I am where He WANTS/NEEDS me to be. One thing that I learned in 2013 is that my writing has helped people. I have had people, stranger even, tell me that my blog post hit home for them or helped them. It made me feel good inside. So as I enter into 2014 I am praying that even with my busy schedule I find time to sit and write about experiences to give someone somewhere relief. I think it's fitting that my first post of this year be something good (because that's how this year will go, I've claimed it!).  What I am about to write about may make some people mad but I'm okay with that. It's something that has made me mad, angry, down, depressed, hurt, pissed for years. I've held those emotions inside, never letting ANYONE in because I didn't want to seem weak. I AM NOT WEAK. But if you keep something covered up, it never heals and I am ready for healing. I am ready for freedom...

When I was younger, much younger, my innocence was taken away from me by someone who very well knew better. Someone who was never supposed to cross those lines. You know what I mean by innocence, so I don't have to go into detail. After that happened I took that memory and hid it away, locked inside my mind with my mouth sealed shut. Years later someone (who went through that very same thing with the same person) brought it up. She asked if I remembered and I played dumb. I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to look at me differently. When my parents and grandma asked me about the incident (the "someone" finally told) I still played dumb. Never spoke about it. Didn't want anyone to know about it. I felt that in some way it was my fault. That my 7 year old self was to blame for him doing what he did. Truth is, it wasn't my fault, or anyone else's- BUT HIS. My only fault was holding it in. I should have told when it first happened. I should have yelled. I should have screamed. I should have fought harder. My grandma went to her grave with that lie that I told her when she asked. One day I found myself sitting in one of my criminal justice classes, in a discussion about molestors and I became so pissed off that I had held on to that secret for so long, that I had harvested so much hurt, pain, anger, hate because of that person. Then my anger turned towards my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my step-dad for not seeing what I had went through. They should have known, whether I told them or not. It took me a while to come to terms that it wasn't their fault nor mine. I was 7. I was afraid. I was confused. I was a victim. I was a child. I was not at fault. In that class we seen videos about a father doing that to his daughter and a guy asked the teacher why hadn't the child just told. I went home and balled my eyes out because it's not that simple. When you have someone tell you that if you tell on them they'll kill the one person that means so much to you, you tend to believe them, especially if you're 7 years old. Until this very day the mention of his name makes me pissed. I cringe. I want to throw up. I'll admit, I wanted him to die or at least feel some of the pain that he made me endure. He'll never know what I felt, not only that day but the years that followed. He's where he should be, where he can't hurt anyone else...

One of my ex boyfriends used to abuse me. It was never as bad as the stories that I had seen on TV or read in my law books, so I didn't think it was worth telling anyone. Nevertheless, it was abuse. He would physically hit me, as well as being emotionally and mentally abusive. I remember thinking I didn't deserve better and everything that was happening was somehow my fault or what I deserved. I fought back, but that only made it worse. One day I knew that I could no longer take anymore and left. I told myself that no matter what, no woman deserves to go through that. No woman deserves to go through even a second of what I went through. I learned that if he hits you once, he'll hit you again. If he calls you out of your name, it will continue. You will eventually allow that to become a cycle and unless you leave it will become your norm. I let the fear of being alone and raising my son as a single parent overpower me being able to walk away after that very first time. That's not love. A person who loves you will not put his hands on you. He will not laugh at your dreams. He will not tell you that you're ugly or worthless. He will not go to another woman to get what you can give to him. I reached my breaking point and left... you can too!

As bad as I want to hate them, I can't. As hard as it is to forgive, I have to. I walked around for years with hatred inside of me aimed towards those two people. While I was getting upset when someone said their names or I seen them, they were walking around feeling nothing. So who was really hurting by my anger? I was. I was getting flustered and hot headed by my lack of forgiveness, not them. Forgiving them is for me and me alone. You may not understand it, heck I still don't at times. But what I do know is that each night I pray that the Lord forgives me for my sins and He can't do that when I have no forgiveness for those who hurt me the most.
I don't want you to read this and think "poor girl". I'm not a weak person. I am not weak! I don't think of myself as a victim. I am a survivor. I could have easily allowed those circumstances, as well as others, dictate my life until there was no more of me left. I survived both of those incidents and I came out on top, or at least that's how I feel. I know that most people who go through those things succumb to much worse things, like falling into the trap of drug abuse, alcoholism, prostitution, or they end up with their abuser. Not me. I fought internal (and external) battles for years and by God's grace I won. I am finally free!

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave...

Tomorrow Avi turns 9... his last year in the single digits. I am so proud of the person that he is growing into be, I can't wait to see the man he becomes. With the start of each new day he amazes me in a different way. He's smart, funny, handsome, and respectful. Before he was born I had no idea how you could love a person so much unconditionally. He is the ONLY person walking earth's surface that opinion matters to me. Because of him, I want to do better. He's the reason I get up every morning. He's the reason why I stay up so late at night studying. He's the reason I want to do better, be a better person. It's because of that spunky and feisty young man that I am the woman that I am today.

It cracks me up when people ask me about his biological father and I respond with "he signed over his rights". They always say things like "I couldn't imagine that..." Honestly, I couldn't imagine having him be in his life. Call me selfish but it's true. I have gotten to enjoy every milestone in Avion's life- without missing one thing. First steps, first words, first bite of "real food", first time he made a goal/touchdown/basket, fist time he made an A. I was there to see him get baptized. I get twice the the hugs and kisses. I get all of his cuddles. Nope, I couldn't imagine having to share him every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend. Never would I want to get him every other holiday...

That kid means more to me than I mean to myself. After God, Avi is my everything. If it wasn't for those tiny fingers and toes almost 9 years ago I doubt I'd be where I am today. Looking into his face makes me see the world in a much better light. I know, as well as the others he encounters, that he will become something great. He has more potential then some adults I know. I pray that he continues to succeed at each and everything he attempts... but even if he falls short I will be there shouting and cheering him on. Pushing him forward, because unknowingly he has pushed me forward. My wish for him is to never give up. EVER. To push on, even when he feels like he can't. I want him to keep God FIRST in all he does. I want him to continue to keep education a priority. I want him to stay in sports, to keep him out of trouble...

9 years ago I was given a second chance at life- no doubt about it. I was given a chance to "make it right". Every time the Lord allows me to wake up, I want to be better than yesterday, for Avion. Somewhere along this road while trying to teach him about life, Avion has taught me how to live. He's made me so proud in these short 9 years... && if nothing else, I wanna see him be brave.

Father, I pray for you...

I hardly ever speak about my biological father. For the most part it has to do with shame. I felt like I was burdened with him his mistakes. It's taken me some some time to actually get to a place to accept things. Our relationship hasn't been "good" since my grandma Dot died. I'll admit, I hated him. Back then I had hatred for quite a few people, God included. Not only did He take my Grandma but my daddy wasn't acting like a daddy anymore. No words can explain how that felt. I said a lot of things out of anger and hurt. Looking back, I wish I hadn't- but you live and you learn. I don't have "daddy issues". My mom married a man who has never once treated me as a step-daughter. And for the first 16 years of my life, my biological father could do no wrong in my eyes (of course he did, we all do).

A little over a year ago my daddy was locked up, the reason isn't important. At first I didn't care. Honestly, I had no remorse. One day I found myself writing him a long letter and cried with every word I wrote. Shockingly, he responded. Then I responded... so on and so on.

My daddy has never been a praying man. Or at least I've never thought of him in that way. The only time he came to church was on Christmas and Easter... probably because I was on the program. Back then it wasn't important to me that he wasn't there. I kinda wished I could have only showed up those two days. I don't remember my daddy saying he'd pray for me when I was going through something. I don't remember him tucking me in and praying with me. I don't remember him bowing his head at dinnertime. Even on those occasional Sundays at church I can't remember him closing his eyes as the pastor did alter call. I'm not saying he didn't do those things, I'm saying I don't remember. Over the past few months in our letters to each other we have said we'd pray for each other. No biggie, right? It's a BIG deal to me when you've never heard your daddy say he'd pray FOR you and WITH you after you've told him something you're struggling with...

Today, I read a letter from him. Nothing out of the ordinary. At first. As I got to the end of the letter, he told me he had been struggling with something (in a previous letter he asked what I thought he should do). When I wrote him back to respond to that letter I simply said, "Let it go and let God handle it. Don't worry and He'll give you peace." In today's letter he said the same day he wrote that letter to me and mailed it, he laid down and prayed to God about that situation. When he woke up the next morning God had given him the answers (before he even got my letter). You have no idea what an amazing feeling it is to have read that. I've never heard my daddy speak of God. Of course, all people "find Jesus" behind bars- as if He was non-existent in the "free world". As I neared the end of the letter my dad wrote "P.S: She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness. -Proverbs 31:26"

Before I knew it, I was sitting here in tears. If that is not God, what is?! This time of year is hard for me due to it being my Grandma Dot's favorite time of the year and her birthday being Christmas Eve. I've also been struggling with other things. Reading that is what I needed. My daddy didn't know that. And I'm 1000% sure he had no idea of where to go in the Bible for that verse. He couldn't Google "what is something nice to say to my daughter?". There's not an app for that...

IT WAS GOD! The Lord knew my needs. He knew what I needed to see and knew that it would be a great and powerful message coming from my daddy. I'm completely and utterly overwhelmed right now...

Maybe when my daddy gets out of jail our relationship will go right back to what it was before he went in- hell. Then again, maybe he has changed back to the daddy I used to know and love. Either way, right here, right now this is what we BOTH need. He needs to be behind those bars STUDYING the word of God and send me messages. I need to be able to say how I feel and vent (even through a letter) and not be afraid of what my daddy will say/think. Our strained relationship needed this time.

Nipping It In The Bud.

 I have always been taught that if I have nothing nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all... some people wonder why I am so quiet around them. If you do me wrong, don't expect me to strike up a random conversations with you- I WON'T. Am I going to be rude every time I see you? Nope. If you speak, I'll say "hey" and go on about my day. I could say a lot. I could be just as immature. But I don't. It's a choice. I let you think what they want.

I let you say what you want.  There's not really a point in trying to prove myself to you. Despite the facts, you'll still form your own opinion. However what you say does not define me. It does not cause me to lose sleep. It doesn't cause stress or lack of eating. In other words you didn't make me so you shall not break me. But if trying to bring me down makes you feel better, by all means go ahead. My life will not stop due to your ignorance. In fact, the Bible says "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10). As much as I would like to entertain your mediocre advances, I won't. Lord knows the old me wouldn't hesitate but as I have learned though my walk with Jesus is that He will deal with those people who harm ("The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace" -Exodus 14:14). Whether you see it or not, I am a changed person. Yes, my past has it's spots but who's doesn't? I am 100% content with my life because I have given it over God. He doesn't hold my past against me. He knows I'm not perfect but he loves me- flaws and all. He sees my progress and He's okay.

I've been through a lot, more than your simple mind could ever comprehend. It's not because I am on some sort of "high horse" it's because I am tired of the same stuff day in and day out. I don't have to complain because I have the abilities to change my circumstance (as do you). I will not dim my light to make you feel better. If you're constantly saying someone thinks they're better than you, yet you've never heard them say that OBVIOUSLY ITS YOU WHO THINKS THAT- NOT THEM! It makes you look pathetic. Not them. To purposely try to hurt or harm someone is dumb. You are allowing your true colors to show and let me just say, I wouldn't want to color with them. I've prayed for things to happen in my life and they have. It's a great feeling. It's unexplainable. No matter what it is you're planning I will be the victor because I have the Lord on side. What do you have beside your little minions? I pray for my family and friends every night. Then I pray for those who have harmed me, you will be added to list. I honestly pray that in some way He speaks to you. I know that deep down there is some under lying issue that you're going through and instead of seeking God's wisdom you lash at. Other may look the other way until you're over it. Some may laugh and make you feel as if it's okay. But me, I won't do either. I'm at the point in my life where negativity has no place. Even if that means cutting people loose. I am doing what's best for me- no one else. I don't expect you to understand it. Maybe one day you will.

"Your relatives, members of your own family-- even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you, Do not trust them, though they speak well of you."  -Jeremiah 12:6

God Given Gifts

The other day while in the teacher's workroom a teacher asked me if I had ever considered going into counseling. She went on to tell me that she reads my statuses and blogs and it seems like I have a lot to offer people due to the stuff I have been through. Something she said stuck with me " You are going to do great things one day..."

Honestly, I did entertain the idea of counseling my senior year in high school. I said something about it once to a teacher- he mocked me and laughed. After that I never really gave it anymore thought. However she was right. I do have a lot to offer people. I have been through a lot. I haven't always liked to talk about it. For the most part, I kept it to myself. Who would care about the problems little ole me faced? Back then it never crossed my mind that somewhere someone else was going through a similar situation. Truth is, we all go through problems some times. I don't care how much money you have or how many degrees you possess. You may not publically go through it and your close family/friends may not even notice...

It's a very humbling experience when someone approaches you and tells you that you are a good writer and could do so much for others. I've heard many preachers talk about God given gifts and wondered what mine is. Maybe it's my writing. Maybe it's the fact that my shell has been broken and I no longer feel the need to hide or be ashamed of my past. Maybe all of those obstacles I faced was God showing me my TRUE strength. Maybe those things that left me crying in my bed some nights were SUPPOSED to happen so that I can testify to some other soul who feels just as lost as I did. Maybe becoming a single parent was a good thing because look at how hard it pushed me to succeed. Maybe I went through those heartbreaks so that I would be able to tell another girl that life goes on after he leaves. Maybe I didn't get that job because the Lord saw fit that there was something even greater for me.

Sometimes, people hurt so bad that you have to do more than PREACH a message, you have to BE a message to them. If my life is that message, so be it. If something I went through helps someone else not have to go through it, so be it.  I am slowly learning to let God use me to help someone else. No, I can't save the world. But I do believe that I have a purpose to save someone- even just one life. I don't know how or when but I know that with God's grace there is something beautiful blossoming from me, just watch!