Single... but not so ready to mingle.

For a while I've prayed to God about a lot of different things. A  month ago I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis (IC) and my mind has been on auto pilot since. One thing for certain is that I know I'm ready to settle down. Does this mean that I want to be married tomorrow? Nope. I've made a plan for my life and it does include being married (and maybe having another kid) by the time I am 30 (a little over 3 years from now). I don't want to rush into a marriage or marry just anybody. I want my Boaz. I could pray that God sends me someone who wants what I want. However, I'm choosing to ask God to fix me. To mold me into the person that a godly man wants as a wife and mother to his children. I want to be a total inspiration to those around me. I want to walk by faith- not by sight. I want to be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find me. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. In order for me to do this I have to commit FULLY to Christ.

For the past three years I've shared my life with an amazing man. He's truly one of my best friends and a big supporter. He's been a terrific father figure to my son. We have had our shares of ups & downs- just like any other couple... It'd be nice to say "Great news, we're getting married!" But that's not the truth, lol. We are at two different places in our lives- going in two totally different directions. Directions that don't include the other. We BOTH realized that although we have love for each other, we aren't in love with one another. To continue on like this would be a waste. It's easy for someone on the outside looking in to say "fight for it" but it's not that simple.

Maybe I'm selfish but right now I want to fight for me more... Who's to say that after I become the woman God intends for me to be that we won't find our way back to each other (probably not) but no one knows what the future holds. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship. I want to work on myself for a while. I want to focus on the things that are wrong with me. I want to nurse myself back to health or at least feel healthy again. When the time is right I know the Lord will send the perfect man- made simply for me. It gives me chills to think of great He is and all He does for an undeserving soul like mine. To think that somewhere out there, there is a a soul who will fit perfectly with mine, all because God made him for me.

I'm inpatient. I cry a lot. I like to eat. White chocolate is my weakness. I don't like leaving the house without lip-chap. Sometimes I think I'm the most prettiest girl in the world, while other times I don't see my beauty. High heels & mascara make me feel sexy. I talk a lot and not enough. I'm overly-emotional. I'm anxious. I'm afraid of the dark. I love to be held when I'm feeling down. But most importantly, I'm trying to be better than the person I was yesterday... progression, not perfection.

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm lonely.

And just because I was in a relationship didn't mean I was happy.

I'm not being rude, I'm just being honest

Times like this I miss my grandma more than ever. I miss how I could call her up and listen to the best advice given- this side of heaven. I miss my dad... even though we weren't as close as we used to be, when I began to feel this way I could drive to him, sit in my car and cry. No words needed to be said, he understood. As he wrapped his arms around me and cried with me....

I tried.

Lord knows I tried. 

But in the back of my mind, I kept hearing "stop letting people walk all over you..."
I think I am more hurt than mad because it wasn't expected. I thought we better than that, but I thought wrong. I must say thank you, it taught me a valuable lesson: I AM NOT A DOORMAT (or an atm).

When I love, I love hard. When I give, I give freely. For the most part, I don't expect anything back in return. However, I feel that if I am there when I you need me- the VERY LEAST you can do is be there when I need you. NONE. Not one of my true family or real friends can say that I haven't came through for them. I have. I will. If I got it and they need it, it's theirs. I will buy lunch. I will buy dinner. I shop for Christmas and birthday gifts for them and their kids. If they need a ride, I'm coming- half the time with no expectation of gas. I go out of my way- even when I have no energy. All I expect is for you to be there when I need. Is that too much to ask? Am I in the wrong? It'd be totally different if you actually couldn't be there for me, but when I see you being there for others I wanna be like "wtf they do for you that I didn't?"

One thing that upsets me the most is being ignored. DO. NOT. IGNORE. ME!!!! If I am texting you or calling you don't ignore it. That makes me even more upset. If I am asking you about something (constantly) don't ignore me, don't keep lying- BE HONEST! I have a lot more respect for those who just come clean instead of beating around the bush. Then when I choose to go off everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy for allowing you to make a mockery out of me for so long. Maybe I am crazy for helping you. Maybe I am crazy for giving with a smile on my face.

I despise when a person tells my child something then flakes. Not because he NEEDS you for anything but simply because when the dust settle I am the one having to explain to him why someone didn't come through. Lie to all day, everyday. It doesn't bother me one bit. But when you tell a child, MY CHILD, that you're gonna do something or you have something for him then ignore him as if he doesn't exist don't expect me to "play nice".

Over the course of my life I have learned that family will run over you, take advantage of you, and downright degrade you more than a friend will! How sad? Then you wonder why I say if it's not my mom, Coco, or the boys I could care less... And some of you have the nerve to say "you forgot about me, didn't you?" Nah.. YOU FORGOT TO BE THERE FOR ME.

So when you get the "who is this" text or reach my voicemail don't be surprised. Don't be shocked when you get ignored. It just so happened that I pulled a you on you! Don't even be appalled when you get the "please don't ever call or text me again..." message. I've had enough let downs on my life and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let someone stay in my life who can't keep their word. ADIOS!

When God speaks, you'd better listen...

My Grandma Dot had this unwavering faith that I could never understand. When bad things happened she prayed. When she couldn't pay a bill, she prayed. When she was sick, she prayed. As I grew up and had complaints of my own, she would tell me to pray. It would get on my nerves because that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I needed answers and I needed them at that moment. Now as an adult I can finally comprehend that faith. 

Unshakeable.

Unbreakable.

Unstoppable.

FAITH.

There are times that every single thing in my life goes wrong- or so it seems. I find myself in deep though, deep fears, deep tears... deep prayers. God answers prayers in three ways:

yes.

no.

wait.

I have a problem with waiting. We all do. But if there is one that I've learned is that in the midst of the storm, the Lord will send protection. That answer that I thought I needed will come in the form of a bigger blessing, if I wait. I used to tell my grandma that I had these uneasy feelings an she would tell me it was God speaking. I'd get real quiet but I never HEARD his voice. I was waiting for this manly deep voice to come from the skies and tell what I wanted to hear. That voice never came. It's been more of a feeling. But I know that feeling is God telling me what to do. What to say. Right now I'm fighting some demons and I know that if it wasn't for Him, I'd be losing. Some days are harder than others. Some days I wonder if the fight is even worth it. Then I get this feeling of security and I know it's nobody but God telling me "you're gonna make it." He gives his TOUGHEST battles to his STRONGEST soldiers. If He didn't think I could do, He wouldn't have given it to me. I believe in miracles...

You can spend your whole life running from situation to situation but when God speaks, you'd better listen.

Chronic Pain & Diseases

"Do you know what interstitial cystitis is?"

A question that I didn't have the answer to but would change my life. The minute I left the doctor's office I Googled and did some research. The hardest part? NO CURE. Two small words that left me saddened and speechless...

For years I have battled with severe pains in my pelvic area. Not the ordinary cramps that come along with the typical menstrual cycle. Cramps that have stopped me in my tracks and make me cry. Cramps that make the area from my belly button to my knees hurt soooooo much, so badly. Cramps that feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat (in that same area). Cramps that feel like someone has my insides tied up in knots and then chooses to stab me over and over... and over. Cramps that sometimes make it hard to sit- and even harder to stand/walk.

For years I have put on a fake smile and tried to laugh through those times when the pain hits. Other times the pain is so excruciating that I get in my bed in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I try not to complain because I don't want people to think that I a crybaby or that I am weak. For years I had no clue what was going on inside of my body... NOW I DO.

Although there is no "cure" for IC, there are treatments. Treatments that don't work the same for everyone. I have to change my eating habits. No more spicy food she said. BUT I LOVE SPICY FOOD. "I can prescribe you pain meds" she said. I shook my head. I have seen first hand (not personally) what being addicted to pain meds can do to a person and that is not who I want to become. I don't want to be dependent nor addicted to them. After undergoing the majority of treatments that are available there's surgery. I'm not going to lie, the thought of be "drugged" and having doctors cut me open frightens me but the thought of living with this pain for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.

To put the cherry on top my asthma is rearing it's ugly little head- bigger than ever. My doctor prescribed me a peak flow meter to monitor my breathing. I looked up my "normal" peak zone and I'm 35 below where I should be. Where is 35 below? A 60 year old woman who is my height.

And if that isn't bad she asked me if I was anxious? Of course I'm anxious. I'm a mother. Aren't we all? I thought that it was normal to feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest. She told me she could tell I was "overly- anxious". Whatever that is. While checking my heart rate (which was a high level and all I was doing was sitting) we had to stop and calm me down. How pathetic is that...

Actually it's not. I'm not pathetic. I'm not weak. I'm not a crybaby. I am being slapped in the face with the realization that I now suffer from a chronic pain/disease. One that has no cure... yet. But that doesn't make me any less of a woman. I joined this amazing group on FB with women who are going through what I am. For once in my life I don't feel so alone. So weird. This is all still new to me but I know that the Lord already knew it was coming and that He will walk with me every step of the way- no matter what happens. I was shocked at first. But now I know what to call it (although I can't pronounce it, lol). I now know that I don't have to hold my pain in or try to suppress is for other's benefit. The next time you hear someone complain about a pain or disease that you know NOTHING about- don't be so quick to judge because a lot more could be going on.

I Can Only Imagine

My social media fast has been going great. Seriously. The other night I found myself sitting crossed legged on my bed in tears. I bet you're wondering,  "how is that great?" Let me tell you...

I was so stressed out about my homework. Which is usually the time I'll get on Facebook to "chill out" for a little while. But then a little while turns into minutes. Minutes into hours. Hours into sleep. Yes, THAT bad. How awful?! I would wake up and realized I didn't finish my work and the next day I'd be rushing to finish before a deadline...

However that night it was different. I got into my usual stressed out phase. I began to feel fear. Fear that I wouldn't make the grade that I wanted. Fear that I would fail. I'm so close to this degree and I have never wanted something so bad in my life that I'm afraid something will go wrong. I've been waiting for it to happen so that internal voice will whisper "I told you so, it was too good to be true..." The harder I try, the more self doubt I have in myself. That night I closed my books. Closed me eyes... and called on Him. I took "self" out of the equation & I prayed. I told God I was tired of being so afraid- of myself. I was tired of waiting for the bad. I was tired of self doubt. I let Him know that I knew He didn't give me the spirit of fear but of wisdom. I told Him that in that moment of anxiety, stress, fear, confusion, and doubt I was giving this semester to Him. This semester and any that follows. I gave God my all, left it at His feet. I cried. Not my typical tears of sadness. These tears were of joy and hope. In that moment this amazing feeling came over me and I heard Him say "Let go and let me" and I did just that! As I sit here now, I feel those same joyous tears coming up inside. What better peace than that of the Lord? No other person could have given me that, not even myself. 

This third degree will help me in so many ways but it doesn't define who I am. It doesn't define my character. When I get to heaven He's not going to say anything about those degrees or my BPOC. He's not going to care what my GPA was. He won't care that I didn't make that A on that presentation. However, He will care as to where my faith lies- and it's ALL in Him. I have a wonderful support system with my family. If I have any questions, the staff at the school I work at are more than happy to help me. But NONE of them could ever measure up to God. He gave his only son for me. For you. For the world, for Pete's sake! Who else could have done that? Not me. If it was up to me sacrificing Avi, this world would have remained a dying world. I think about His goodness and it give me chills! Even when I am in the mist of self doubt, He believes in me. He knows where I am headed- even if I don't (Jerm 29:11). With him all things are possible (Phil.4:13). 

One of these days this world will come crumbling down. 

The dead in Christ will rise up to heaven first, then the rest in Christ shall follow. 

I don't know if I'll be one of the first or the latter.

 But what I do know that it's not you LIVE but how you DIE. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to make it to heaven. 

I can only imagine what it will be like to see my Grandma Dot again.

 I can only imagine what it'll be like to never again feel stress, anxiety, self doubt, or fear. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to never feel hunger or thirst, to never have to fight lines in Walmart. 

I can only imagine what it'll be like to hear Him say "Well done" & to bow at His feet!

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...

Accountability

My first day of my "Fasting For God" (from social media) went good. There were times when I was bored and wanted to sign in to Facebook to "browse" but I fought back the urge. When I woke up Sunday morning instead of getting on FB, I read and studied my Sunday School lesson. I actually had time to write down the answers to the questions from the lesson. During the week I normally get out of bed and go sit on the couch and watch the news while I am on (you guessed it) FACEBOOK. This morning I put the news on silence and studied my Bible plans then did some yoga. I wasn't so good at that...

It's only been a little over 24 hours and I have already been feeling better. I've been able to to talk to God freely without any distractions. No notifications while I am in church learning more about His word. It's been great. I know that He has so much more planned to me and one month won't allow all of that to come to light, HOWEVER it's a start.

I could have continued to make excuses and be upset/frustrated about my circumstances instead I decided to do something positive about it. I have came up with ideas to handle other obstacles I've been facing as well... I learned that I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I have to be held accountable for things that I say or do. Be held accountable for my thoughts. My actions.

In today's world accountability is lacking. Instead of parents allowing their children to deal with the consequences of their actions, they make excuses. Instead of giving the grade that is due teachers allow more time for students who refuse to do work on time.

How does that help?

What does that show them?

It does more harm than help.

I know that the life that I live isn't 100% perfect- no one's is (if you think that, you're in for a rude awakening). I made excuses in the past for things. I used the "so and so is doing it, so can I" excuse. But what exactly is that doing for me? NOTHING. Nothing. At. All. The only thing it's doing is making me feel okay for that moment, but when darkness falls...

I also know that I am trying. Trying soooo hard. I mess up. But I fess up as well. God doesn't want perfection, He wants progression. I can honestly say that I am progressing. Lord only knows the thoughts I thought 5-10 years ago. I chalk it up to being Him. ALL HIM. Lost is where I'd be without him.I don't need likes on Facebook or someone to double tap pictures on instagram to feel validated, the Lord does that for me!

Fasting For God

This semester definitely hasn't been the best. SOOOO MUCH going wrong. I could question God. I could give up. But I haven't. I'm not even sure why I haven't. I've cried at least twice a week for the past few weeks.

The very first day of school my dad was supposed to go to court to see about his case. I wrote him a long letter that I cried with each word. I sent it two days before he was supposed to go. Then I didn't hear back from him. NOTHING. I was afraid that the news he heard was bad and he had did something dumb. I was a nervous wreck. I kept it inside (what's new). Today I finally heard from him- court was cancelled but his faith wasn't altered. THANK YOU JESUS! The final lines in his letter "God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

Avion started acting out in school. His grades dropped (but he's still a straight A student).

The drive to and from school three days a week is taking a toll on my gas tank. The way to school isn't bad. The way back is when the tears come. It seems so small because it's just a 20 minute ride but all of these thoughts come to mind and doubt sets in. Stress arises. Tears fall...

The school's fundraiser is here (which I'm over). The fundraiser guy said "you have to make the school at least $30,000 for it to be a 'good' fundraiser..." Talk about two weeks of pressure!

Avi's class Valentine's party is approaching- which I'm planning. His basketball tourney is coming, which means bball is coming to an end. Which also means that soccer is starting.

I've been struggling with my weight and other insecurities. Yes, I said it- INSECURITIES.

It's like I'm constantly on go, taking care of everyone. Making sure everyone else is happy. But am I? Not really. Not. At. All. So now I'm here. February 1, 2014. I have decided to go on a fast from social media- Facebook and Instagram. I tend to overindulge in those two when I am feeling down. Instead it's time I pick up a Bible or fall on my knees and pray. Don't get me wrong, I read my Bible and I pray but here lately those two have taken over my life. So for February I am focusing on my relationship with God- nothing else. If others suffer or aren't happy, so be it. I need to feel like I have a purpose in life and I'm not feeling that right now. I know that this month may not bring God's purpose to life, however I believe that He will show me signs. He will allow me to feel again. I haven't "felt" in a while. I've walked around in numbness. Sadness. Anxiety. No more! I'm a child of God. Why should I ever feel as if I have no purpose? I was made in His image. Wonderfully. Fearlessly. It's time I started acting like it again. I would say I'll write in this blog each day, but I won't. However during this month-long journey I will try to come back and tell you how it's going. I don't consider this social media because I don't indulge in it as much as the other two. Maybe when I have that "ahaaa" moment and "find myself" I'll write. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll sit there in tears giving thanks to Him. Who knows?!