When Crying Is Easy

"... Still acting tough. I'm my own worst enemy. Always the life of the party. Am I having fun? Not hardly. If it wasn't for my son, I'd probably be on drugs, this Jack Daniels ain't enough. When crying is easy. I can't stop these tears from falling..."
I heard this song by K. Michelle. It made me realize how many people actually deal with depression but don't let people in to help. I dealt with depression for years all by myself. I cried so much I was mentally and physically dehydrated. It started when my grandma died. No one knew that I blamed myself. I would literally beat myself up over it. I hid the physical scars with clothes and makeup. A year after her death I ended up pregnant. Those first three months I dealt with it alone. I was afraid to tell my mom because I knew I had disappointed her. I was right. We went months without talking after I told her. Or course that triggered the depression again. After having my son the biological father walked out. Adding fuel to the depression fire. On and off small things would trigger it over the years. It would get so bad I couldnt get out of bed. I'd go to sleep crying. Wake up crying. Went to work and would go to the bathroom to cry. Throughout those years I held it in. I could not have anyone thinking less of me. After all I was supposed to be this strong independent woman raising her son alone, all the while working and going to school. Couldn't show people I had a weakness. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I let go of all those demons. I found myself laying in bed after dropping Avi off at school and the tears began to fall. It was natural to me. I started praying. I was angry. I told God I was tired of crying. Hell, I had no more tears to cry. My eyes just burned. It made me evaluate the little self esteem I had left. So many friends and family had built me up to be this strong person that I was afraid of those tears. They made me feel like a failure. Now I know they are just a part of life. Ain't nothing wrong with crying. Its how you pick yourself back up afterwards that matters...