I am Christian. Hear me roar.

I'm not perfect. Yes, I do wrong. Trying my best but it just ain't good enough. Shunned by the world if I don't succeed. I ain't good enough but the He still loves me.

When you say you're Christian everyone expects you to never mess up. Ever. Yet, no one is perfect. So why hold mistakes against a person? One thing I've learned from my Christian journey is that I will mess up. Period. But the great thing about the Lord is that he forgives me and never holds my against me. Why can't man be like that? I know my past is full of spots and wrinkles. My future may have a few in it BUT I am a work in progress. I'm a train that's moving and everyday I'm picking up speed. God knows I'm not perfect. Name one person in the world that is. I'm not even a third of where the Lord wants me to be.

But I know I am different than I used to be (thank God).

I've prayer for people who've hurt me instead of plotting revenge. I've learned to hold my tongue instead of purposely hurting people with my words. That's takes strength!

Here lately my faith has been tested. I mean the devil has really been on me. If its not one thing its definitely another. Normally that's my que to give up. But there three things in life you do give up, give in, or give it your all. Call me crazy but I have been more motivated than ever to climb higher. I feel like I can do anything. AND I CAN. With Him all things are possible. Isn't that amazing? That it takes faith, the size of a mustard seed, for miracles we can't imagine to happen?

Motivation

Restless. Overwhelmed. Distraught. Saddened. Discouraged. Depressed.

Just a few emotions I have felt. At times I've felt like a failure. A couple of times I was on the verge of giving up. For some reason God didn't allow that. Actually not for SOME reason, for ONE reason. Avion. As I've said plenty of times before that child came along when I was at a dark place in my life. Lord knows the thoughts I was thinking. The emotions running through me. I was ready to give up. But I didn't because of him.
On my worst days that I feel like the lowest of the low I can look at him and push on. When I am around him, just us two, I feel like the most important woman alive. If I am sad he instantly cheers me.

With him I know failure is not an option.

The other day he came to me and said "mama you're the best gift I could get. I love you." Then he went on to say he wanted to get closer to God. So we got up early Sunday & went to Sunday school instead of just our normal church service. He was so excited about it. He makes me want to do better. For him.

This is a dedication to him. Because he loves me regardless.
Regardless if I'm broke.
Regardless if I wear make up.
Regardless if I'm in heels.
Regardless if I punish him.
Regardless of my faults or shortcomings.
Regardless.

That boy. My twin.
He loves me unconditionally.
What better feeling?

If I accomplish nothing else before I die, being his mom is by far the best thing I could ever be. A woman's calling is to be a Godly mom && that's what I intend on being. For Avion.

Confession: before my son I was ready to die. Really die. God blessed me with him to restore my faith & strength. It took courage to be a single mom at 17 just graduating high school. But I did it. Without Avi I doubt I could be here. For that I am eternally grateful. I owe that child my life. LITERALLY.

Single

A lot of relationships fail because one (or both) people begin to "settle". Lack of communication. Trust issues. Or forgetting that a couple is TWO... No more. No less. People rush into a relationship while they are still hurting from their last one. How is that heathly? Oh, I don't have more he answer if that's what you were thinking. I've been there before. I was in love with a person for years... 9 (maybe more) to be exact. After that ended I was hurt. But I picked up the pieces and moved on. Or so I thought. Eventually I learned that it was okay to be alone. Someone once told me that you have to learn to sit in a room by yourself and be okay with it. There's NOTHING wrong with being single. Back then I kept feeling like I was lacking something. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not skinny enough? Did I not put out enough? Looking back, I realize that I was ready to compromise who I was for someone. Somewhere I had lost me. It was a hard road to travel but I did. Alone. I was afraid because I didn't know how to be single. Especially with a child. I wanted a family and was willing to settle in order to get it. But that was nowhere near healthy. For me or Avi. I remember crying once asking God how was I gonna raise a son alone. I didn't know the first thing about being a man. [I'd been a girl/woman my whole life]. One day Avi asked me to demonstrate how boys stood up to go pee. I laughed because I realized God had a sense of humor. I struggled with being a single mom. More so because I worried what the world thought of me. It took a lot of strength, tears, lonely nights, and courage to be okay with being single. Nope. There's nothing wrong with it. I had to remind myself (and still do sometimes) that being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with ME. It means I know my worth and refuse to settle for anything or anyone less than what I deserve. It means that God is still writing my love story...

Truth: A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find it.

RELATIVEly Speaking

"Blood is thicker than water..."
I've heard this quote a million times. Scientifically, it is. Yet usually when a person says this, its about family V friendship. And that's where I would beg to differ. I have plenty of family my members that chose their "friends" over family. I must admit so do I. All in good reason though. Family can be the most judgmental people ever. && the excuse the use is because "I love you". Negative Batman. Love does not judge. Its not envious. It encourages rather than discourages. Don't get me wrong, I love my family... But if I had to chose there'd be a few less rotten apples in the barrel. Friends aren't all that marvelous either. They back stab. They talk about you. They lie. But there's always that ONE friend that no matter his long its been you can pick up where you left off. She or He will have your back despite you being wrong... But they'll tell you about it later!
My entire life has been one big fake smile... Trying to please my family so I wouldn't be a disappointment. But as I look around, I've lost who I wanted to be. In fact, I've disappointed myself. No more of that. For once, I'm doing what makes me happy, no matter how family looks down upon it. Tired of giving in to the normal. I'm different. And that's okay.
"There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."
-Proverbs 18:24

Jealous Much?

I don't think I can remember a time that I have been jealous. I mean super jealous. I've never understood why people, women in particular, get that way. Are there things I want more of in life? Yup. But do I get mad or downgrade someone because of that? Nope. If someone has something I want I will work twice as hard to obtain it. If I cant then I chalk it up as a loss. I realize that everything I want isn't everything I need.

Why do women look down on other women because of materialistic things? If you died right now would you be able to take that Michael Kohrs purse with you? Can that new car go to heaven (or hell) with you? So what's the point of being jealous? I'm not going to mad because a person can Cooke better than me. I may ask you for a recipe. I'm not gonna hate cause you have nice clothes. I'm gonna see where you got them.

I suppose I has to do with how you're raised. I was taught nothing in life comes free, you have to work for it. Truth is, you'll appreciate it more. There's something about spending your own money on something you've been having your eye on. Actually, I couldn't sit back and have a man constantly do for me. Neither could I have my parents. I love being independent.

Don't be upset or put down the next person because of jealousy. Instead work harder to obtain your goals. Jealousy is an ugly trait. Let it go!

Confession: If you only knew how bad I want to slap some sense into you. Instead I pray that God helps you.

When Crying Is Easy

"... Still acting tough. I'm my own worst enemy. Always the life of the party. Am I having fun? Not hardly. If it wasn't for my son, I'd probably be on drugs, this Jack Daniels ain't enough. When crying is easy. I can't stop these tears from falling..."
I heard this song by K. Michelle. It made me realize how many people actually deal with depression but don't let people in to help. I dealt with depression for years all by myself. I cried so much I was mentally and physically dehydrated. It started when my grandma died. No one knew that I blamed myself. I would literally beat myself up over it. I hid the physical scars with clothes and makeup. A year after her death I ended up pregnant. Those first three months I dealt with it alone. I was afraid to tell my mom because I knew I had disappointed her. I was right. We went months without talking after I told her. Or course that triggered the depression again. After having my son the biological father walked out. Adding fuel to the depression fire. On and off small things would trigger it over the years. It would get so bad I couldnt get out of bed. I'd go to sleep crying. Wake up crying. Went to work and would go to the bathroom to cry. Throughout those years I held it in. I could not have anyone thinking less of me. After all I was supposed to be this strong independent woman raising her son alone, all the while working and going to school. Couldn't show people I had a weakness. It wasn't until a couple of months ago that I let go of all those demons. I found myself laying in bed after dropping Avi off at school and the tears began to fall. It was natural to me. I started praying. I was angry. I told God I was tired of crying. Hell, I had no more tears to cry. My eyes just burned. It made me evaluate the little self esteem I had left. So many friends and family had built me up to be this strong person that I was afraid of those tears. They made me feel like a failure. Now I know they are just a part of life. Ain't nothing wrong with crying. Its how you pick yourself back up afterwards that matters...

Expectations

Its funny how when you're a child you see your entire life and how you want it. You plan your career, who you'll marry, how many children you'll have, what car you'll drive... The house you'll live in with every detail down to the picket fence out front. Never once does it cross your mind that it won't happen that way. Then you grow up. Life happens. Heartache happens. Your best friend let's you down. You realize that the people you thought would always be around are barely there.
Me? I planned on going off to college. Then law school. I was going to get married to my high school sweetheart and never wanted kids. Ever. But he broke my heart. I had a child my senior year in high school. I went to junior college. After working in the criminal justice field a few years I learned that I hate it. Haven't been married nor do I have my dream house...
I have learned that life happens when you're busy making plans. Its out of your hands. People will disappoint you. The ones you least expect are the ones who stick around. And the ones you think will be there are the first to leave. It hurts. But eventually you learn to roll with the punches & start to punch back.

I mustache you a question

What was your new year's resolution? Lose weight. Work out more. No more smoking. Mine? Nada! I just want to be a better me. I'm this way for a reason... It's how God made me. I'm embracing it. I'm also bettering myself. I want to be a better Christian. By that I will become a better mom, sister, friend, teacher, worker, etc... I had a whirlwind 2012 but it made me stronger. Made me last a little longer. I can not wait to see what 2013 has in store for me. Don't worry, I'll make sure you all get to experience it with me!